relationship question

Posted on: Tue, 03/18/2008 - 8:07am
pateach's picture
Joined: 05/16/2007 - 09:00

Okay, for those of you who have a severe peanut allergy and a significant other:
How long do you wait to kiss after the person ate peanuts? When does it become safe? How do you talk about this with your bf/gf? I need as much advice as I can get! :-)

Posted on: Tue, 03/18/2008 - 8:31am
phoenixrizing69's picture
Joined: 12/21/2007 - 10:54

I'm actually in that my boyfriend has basically put himself on the same diet as I am. He also works at a camp where it is inevitable that at times the only food that is available is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, in those cases, he stops eating peanut butter/nuts at least a week before he sees me. His campers make sure of that too! But he generally doesn't eat nuts/peanuts at all.

Posted on: Tue, 03/25/2008 - 6:30am
ChicagoChris's picture
Joined: 03/24/2008 - 16:33

I'm actually in the same boat,. Was just diagnosed with PA/TNA @ 26, and the last thing I want it to do is affect my relationship. I know it will because going out to eat isn't really a safe option anymore, but this kissing is beyond hard to deal with.
Any tips/comments/experience would be greatly appreciated. I'm loosing sleep over this.

Posted on: Tue, 03/25/2008 - 10:43am
phoenixrizing69's picture
Joined: 12/21/2007 - 10:54

Chicago Chris,
You don't have to stop eating out completely. I definitely don't. I do take a lot of precautions especially after my first severe reaction happened after eating out. I can't bring myself to step foot in an Applebee's since. But you can find a list of restaurants that are really good about accomodating FA's. Carry your epi-pen with you ALWAYS! About the kissing part. Talk to your significant other about it. Let him/her know your concerns about it. I lucked out and my significant other knows to stop eating things that could send me into a reaction. If he does by accident, he lets me know. Generally he stops eating foods that have nuts or peanuts in them a week before he sees me (we live in two different states). My sig. other knew about my FA prior to us dating and so he was already making the necessary accomodations. Hope this helped.

Posted on: Wed, 03/26/2008 - 6:31am
nutty1's picture
Joined: 02/24/2008 - 12:46

I agree, you don't have to stop eating out. You want this to impact your life in the least restrictive way possible, so just keep that in perspective. You will learn with time how sensitive you are to Peanuts, and will learn what you can and can't do. Its scary in the beginning when you read about what can happen it can be very alarming, but everyone is different so you don't have to become a single person and never go out just because you have this, you just need to alter your lifestyle to some degree.

Posted on: Tue, 04/01/2008 - 5:49am
sidni's picture
Joined: 08/28/2004 - 09:00

I won't kiss my boyfriend at ALL for 24 hours after he's eaten nuts, and then all he is getting is a little one! I stay away a few days even if that's maybe unreasonable. He was a peanut butter ADDICT before me... Now he doesn't eat it at all, unless I'm out of town for a week or vice versa. He usually has an affair with some Thai food the first night I'm gone. ha ha ha.
You definitely don't have to stop eating out, just take good precautions! One thing I have learned is that if you find places you like to go that have been safe for you, tipping well and becoming a "regular" makes you a lot safer-- people go out of their way to take care of you and watch out for you!

Posted on: Fri, 04/04/2008 - 8:36pm
Moni's picture
Joined: 06/06/2007 - 09:00

The day I met my husband was the day that peanuts (all nuts actually) were omitted from his life. He went away for four nights once and he was so excited, he said, on my first night I'm going to have a massive bag of peanuts, so I'll be clear of them by the time I get home (he hadn't eaten them for years). When he arrived home I asked him how his peanuts were and he said OH DAM, I forgot to have them, it was quite funny.
If you have a life threatening allergy they will give up the peanuts for you without battering an eyelid. From the night I met my DH, it was never an issue, he was the one telling others not to eat them around me. Even before him, I always told them, from the word go, you date me and you can't eat any peanuts and the only time I had one that did (we stopped to get icecream and I waited in the car and he got back in the car with a PEANUT BRITTLE ICECREAM, we were not together very long after that!
And you don't have to stop eating out, just always be careful when you are out (I often call the restaurant if its an asian restaurant, if I don't know it well and check what oil they cook with), but I always tell the waiter/waitress, that I have PA and to make sure that the meal I have ordered does not contain nuts or nut products/nut oils etc, if you order dessert, remind them, no nuts. It's never been a problem for me, they are 99% of the time understanding and check with the chef and I've been doing it for almost 40 years.

Posted on: Sun, 04/13/2008 - 11:36pm
sidni's picture
Joined: 08/28/2004 - 09:00

Ahahah, I love this because my boyfriend has often done the same thing... We both travel a lot, and everytime we're apart I tell him to get his peanut fix... And it's remarkable how often he forgets!!! :) He's stricter about nuts than me at this point; if someone's eating something around me he'll say "STOP WAIT WHAT IS THAT!!!!!" While I'm not paying a lick of attention. Ha ha ha

Posted on: Fri, 04/18/2008 - 8:04am
phoenixrizing69's picture
Joined: 12/21/2007 - 10:54

Same fiancee is just as strict if not stricter about it. One time, I forgot to ask the wait staff about what the fries were cooked in, and when he ordered he asked for me. He works in NC and I live in VA so we don't see each other as often as we would like too, but he forgets that he can eat them when he knows he won't be seeing me for a while.

Posted on: Fri, 04/18/2008 - 8:34am
DianaMarie's picture
Joined: 04/17/2008 - 21:49

Hello! Nice to meet ya! I am new here :)
I am the one with nut allergies. My husband can have what he wants. Nut products are not allowed in our room by our computer and he keeps his snacks in the trunk in a plastic bag for work.
He brushes his teeth, and to be honest it's hard to kiss even after that....
We live in a household where I have to battle against allergens. Once we are able to move our home will be peanut/tree nut free and nothing will be allowed in the car or front door.....
It's so difficult for the person without allergies. I always have to ask him what he has eaten before he gets close....
I personally would wait several days before I allowed the kissing....and I do.

Posted on: Fri, 04/18/2008 - 8:43am
phoenixrizing69's picture
Joined: 12/21/2007 - 10:54

I'm sorry that your current household is not accepting of your allergy. It has taken my parents and sister's a while to start adjusting to the fact that they weren't allowed to have peanuts and tree nuts while I'm home from college. I am thoroughly blessed to have a fiancee that is completely understanding about my allergy and puts himself on the same dietary restrictions that I have to because of my allergy. I hope things get easier for you.

Posted on: Fri, 04/18/2008 - 9:10am
DianaMarie's picture
Joined: 04/17/2008 - 21:49

Thanks hun! You are so lucky to have a great guy. My huby is pretty good about it. My Dad's side thinks I am lying. My Dad thinks I am blowing it out of the water and that he can't do what he wants in his kitchen. Not getting started on my "mother".
Lmaooo.....I have an epi-pen, ER records and loads of medical to prove I have my allergies. My in-laws are more concerned than my own family! :) It's not all bad I guess.
Hope to keep hearing from you and everyone else! :) Have a great day!!! :)

Posted on: Fri, 04/18/2008 - 10:08am
phoenixrizing69's picture
Joined: 12/21/2007 - 10:54

Yeah it took a while for my parents and sister's to realize how serious it is...a phone call at 11:30 pm from the camp director (my boss), i work at a camp during the summer, and another phone call from my roommate in october finally got it so they started understanding. My future mother-in-law is so concerned everytime i come over. Unfortunately, my suitemates just don't understand that i could die from this and they keep telling me that you can't react from peanut dust in the least the school year is almost over for me.

Posted on: Thu, 04/24/2008 - 3:14pm
ShulerC's picture
Joined: 04/24/2008 - 22:01

Hey there everyone, new to the board, so a very tiny bio will accompany this:
I'm 19 year old man and I live in Ohio. I've been allergic to Peanuts and all nuts that grow on the same type of plant since I was born (older brother also, he was the guinea pig for me :D)
This thread is of interest to me because I have a related question, so I thought "Why make a new topic and waste time"
Here it is:
I am DEATHLY allergic to Peanuts, I take all the precautions I can. I'm currently single after the girl I was with in HS went off to school last year, it was an amicable split and all, the only thing is, we'd been friends forever so naturally the peanuts weren't a big deal with her. In fact, I'd say that nearly everyone in my grade had heard about my deathly weakness in passing. My name's Clark, so the eventual Kryptonite jokes always pop up. Now that I'm back on the market I have a problem, how do I bring this up with a date?
A lot of people in here seem to have understanding partners and such from established relationships who've had some time to get this all straight. How do I tell the girl that I just asked out that if she eats a PB&J for lunch, and (disclosure: I'm very charming, so things have always moved quickly for me) basically convey to her: I think I have a damn good chance of making out, or more, with you tonight or on the next date or whatever. If you eat peanuts too close to our date, I may die.
Anyone have any advice on how to effectively bring this up beforehand, but without making it sound like I've got my sights set on a wild night of passion before we even get to the restaurant?
A date's a date, doesn't have to end with anything like that, but if it does, I'd rather not die. I just don't want to seem like I've got one goal in mind (sex) because I don't, I'd just like to have my bases covered.
Thanks for navigating my ramble, its a bit late for me, figured I'd just get this out and go to bed. See ya!

Posted on: Thu, 04/24/2008 - 3:36pm
phoenixrizing69's picture
Joined: 12/21/2007 - 10:54

For me, I met my fiancee while working at a summer camp, so the whole staff knew from the beginning that I was allergic to peanuts and tree nuts. I definitely cracked some random joke about it while a group of us were sitting around talking about pet peeves of ours...I mentioned my biggest pet peeve was people bringing nuts/peanuts around me. After the summer, it has just kind of naturally come up in conversations about why I can only eat at certain restaurants, don't eat certain foods, etc. I find that that is one of the easiest ways to inform someone of your food allergy. It would definitely be better to mention your allergy to potential dates while making the plans, instead of waiting until you are on the date. Hope this helps...

Posted on: Fri, 04/25/2008 - 6:29am
nutty1's picture
Joined: 02/24/2008 - 12:46

From a womans perspective, I agree that you need to tell people BEFORE you actually have your date about your PA. I wouldn't tell them all the details about it being deadly, etc before your date, but I would certainly mention it. Since many people go to restaurants for dates, you could frame it like " I need to tell you up front that I have PA so I have to be choosy about where we eat"- something to that affect. You could also come up with some clever, yet light-hearted way to say "and I can't give you a kiss good-night if you've eaten any peanuts in the last couple day" or something like that, say it in a joking way. Then, if you have a few dates and you think this might be something long-term, you need to fill her in on all the details of PA, the good, the bad, and the ugly- so to speak.

Posted on: Wed, 07/23/2008 - 2:08am
princesshinmighty's picture
Joined: 04/27/2002 - 09:00

Hey Clark, welcome to the board!
As a woman with the allergy, I know that I have to be careful about how I present it so that the men that I go out with don't presume that I'm "easy" and think that they're going to have their way with me on a first date...
So I bring it up in conversation - ie, when we're discussing what the plans are, I let them know "well, we can't do places like Texas Roadhouse or Joes Crab Shack, etc due to my nut and shellfish allergies." They usually ask about them, and I will go into details.
The way I discuss it, obviously, depends on how the talk goes - I've had discussions where I say "any type of bodily fluid can carry the proteins in it that I'm allergic to - sweat, blood, tears, saliva, etc." That way it doesn't bring up the presumptuous "semen" or anything like that.

Posted on: Wed, 08/20/2008 - 8:49am
sidni's picture
Joined: 08/28/2004 - 09:00

I definitely think the best way to bring it up is when you're having a casual conversation or talking about where to go on a date. A lot of people will ask you questions about it, which gives you an easy opportunity to elaborate. But honesty is best, and plenty of people aren't uptight about acknowledging that yea, if things work out, you're going to want a kiss good night.
When I'm touching on the "body fluids" topic, I try to present it with a bit of a laugh, and try to talk about the less sexual aspects, so no one makes big assumptions. For example, mentioning that the proteins can be carried by body fluids, so if I get a wicked meal and you just can't resist stealing my fork to try it, your residual saliva could be problematic if you've eaten nuts! And certain people, I've known I can just be direct with them, you know?
Good luck.

Posted on: Fri, 08/22/2008 - 9:21am
danni's picture
Joined: 08/22/2008 - 16:01

I have been dating a guy for nearly a year and a half now and even though he isnt.. he has adopted "being allergic to peanuts and tree nuts" just so there isnt any accidents. There have been a few occasions where his family will make stuff with nuts [he wont eat it] but then his family will share his drinks and such [which at first i took as being inconsiderate but now i realise that they just dont understand] and i waited a few days to kiss him.

Posted on: Sun, 10/04/2009 - 3:05pm
Inchoate's picture
Joined: 10/04/2009 - 21:54

I'm not allergic to peanuts, but my boyfriend is. He's been allergic since he was a little kid and he's 23 now. He has a deathly allergy and has had multiple anaphylactc reactions landing him in the hospital. :( He also has asthma and allergies to cashews and pistachios. He is also allergic to pretty much everything on an allergy test. (As a side note, I got an allergy test this past winter and all my levels were 0. Here's to hoping our kids get my genes.)
We wait, at most, 3 hours to kiss. If I'm eating something with only a tiny amount of peanuts(such as a granola bar with "peanut flour" as the last ingredient") then we may kiss sooner if I brush my teeth. However, if I eat a PB&J sandwich or something with large amounts of peanuts we do wait 3 hours.
This may seem like a very short time to some people, but it's what he's done in all his relationships. He is extremely allergic, including airborne peanut reactions.
I would encourage everyone to do what feels safe to them. However, I wanted to share a different approach than what was presented already.

Posted on: Mon, 05/09/2011 - 5:54am
Samantha418's picture
Joined: 04/11/2011 - 12:44

I'm 22 and have had a severe PA my entire life. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over two years now, and we just moved in together. He pretty much gave up eating all peanuts and nuts in fear of making me sick. When we first started dating, he didn't really understand the allergy. Then, about a year ago when I went into shock and was admitted to the ER, he took one look at me and from then on has taken my allergy more seriously than anything else. If he eats something that says "may contain" he will brush his teeth and use mouth wash before even going near me! He's a sweetie and is totally understanding (but when he's out of town he does sneak in a Thai dish here and there). I'm so glad I met someone that treats my allery as seriously as I do, even though he doesn't have it! :)
Also, for advice on how to bring it up to a new date, I say tell them immediately. My boyfriend and I met at a campus organization. One day we had to do work together and he brought in a bag of peanut m&m's and I immediately said "Ummm can you not eat those I'm like deathly allergic". I find that being really brash and somewhat comical about it makes it easier to break the ice. He didn't really understand me at first and gave me a weird look when I asked him to wash his hands before we did work together, but the fact that he went right to the bathroom and washed them anyway and never brought peanuts near me again confirmed the fact that I knew he had a crush on me :) if the person is worth your time at all, they will understand (eventually) the severity of a PA. Til then, hold your head high and don't worry about being "that guy" that has the annoying allergy. Makes us unique :)

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