Losing friends over dd\'s PA!

Posted on: Tue, 03/09/2004 - 2:51pm
Mom2Sariah's picture
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Joined: 12/14/2003 - 09:00

Has anyone lost close friends because people don't understand your children's PA?

I have a friend of 10yrs that got mad because I wouldn't let her 4yr old play with my dd's toys while he was eating snacks that I couldn't find out if were peanut products or not. This is just another issue of people not understanding the danger of PA's!
I am most annoyed because I had just finished telling her about my dd's last reaction because of someone touching her ear after touching peanut products!
It boggles my mind how people would rather their kids be able to play with toys instead of teaching them that it could kill someone w/out the proper precautions.

Does anyone have any personal stories that they would be willing to share with me? My dd (19mo) has only had her PA since 12/03 and I feel like I've been in tears the whole time! I need a friend that understands to work through my emotions with!

Who do you turn to when having PA issues?

Emotionally overwhelmed in Idaho~Cindy

Posted on: Tue, 03/09/2004 - 10:49pm
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Joined: 03/07/2004 - 09:00

Hi,My Ds is 24 months old and I know how you are feeling...I am very happy I found this board.I havent lost any friends of yet to this but I am feeling some exclusion for me and my Ds with others.I am sorry I cant offer more advice of yet but there really seems to be alot of people here that have been dealing with it for some time more than you and I ..Take care email me if you would like to chit chat or just need support!! Casey
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Casey-Ann DS:Tyler 4 Cats,DogsDS:Joshua 2 PA,mold,Cats,Dogs, Cock Roaches,

Posted on: Wed, 03/10/2004 - 12:55am
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Anonymous (not verified)

Cindy,
I haven't lost any friends over this, but live 2000 miles from where I grew up and all my family and friends. I have 2 PA DD's and feel we all stay to ourselves so to speak. I am glad my daughters have each other. I just wanted to tell you, even though I have been dealing with this longer, I do understand what you are feeling. Where in Idaho do you live? I live in the next state over. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] If you ever need to vent or chat, just email.

Posted on: Wed, 03/10/2004 - 1:28am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Cindy, I'm an adult with pa - so it's totally different issues for me, but I remember when my friend's son had his first reaction to fish, and eventually it did cost his mom, and him, and his brother a friend.
'P' and her boys were visiting her friend 'C'. On the way home, 'P's son started coughing and by the time they got home he was in ana. A neighbour drove her to the hospital and when she got home she called me because I was the only one she knew who had a food allergy. She also called 'C' to tell her what happened. She was not angry and did not at all blame 'C'. It was her BEST friend and she just wanted to talk. 'C's response was something like "fish is good for you".
Eventually 'P's son wanted to play with his friend again so she called 'C' to find out if it was OK to bring him over. Sure. 'C' served fish again. 'P' took her son and left.
'C' then made a big stink about how people make up all this allergy stuff just because they have fussy kids. 'P's son loved fish and is one of the least fussy kids I know. 'C' said that if it was her child "he'd just have to learn to get over that d*** allergy wouldn't he"
At school 'P' did not request a fish ban, or even a fish free room. He does react to smell and touch, so she asked that nobody at his table be allowed to eat fish. If anyone was eating fish he would ask his lunchroom supervisor (me) if he could move to a safe seat. And he got to pick two friends to go with him.
Usually if he had to move it was because of 'C's son bringing fish. All the other kids told their mom's they didn't want fish in their lunch because it could hurt their friend (and also they wanted to be picked to change seats). 'C's son probably said it to, but she didn't care. It did break up the boys friendship as well as the mom's. And eventually their two older brothers stopped hanging around together too.
***********
Personally, I think my friend was better off giving up that friendship. With friends like that, who needs enemies.
I am sorry you've been hurt by a friend, especially one that you've been friend's with so long. But I truly believe MOST people have good hearts and care. Eventually you may find the opposite happens - someone who takes that extra step to keep your daughter safe might become a close friend.

Posted on: Wed, 03/10/2004 - 2:46am
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Joined: 12/14/2003 - 09:00

Casey-Ann~I might just take you up on chit chatting. The last two weeks have been awful PA-wise. Things come in good spurts too though. THanks
mom2nickie~I'm in Southeastern Idaho. What state are you in? Thanks for the words even though you might not think it was much just a response of anykind made me feel better at this point. THanks
AnnaMarie~Thank you for sharing your friends story. It's easier going through things knowing I'm not the only one to go through it. Although, I am sure your friend had just as hard of a time with it. I am also interested in your experience with being an adult with a PA. Did you grow up with it? If so, did you have any school problems? thanks again!
Hugs to you all~Cindy

Posted on: Wed, 03/10/2004 - 3:03am
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Joined: 05/06/2003 - 09:00

AnnaMarie, what a depressing story. That other mother didn't sound terribly bright, and acted unnaturally full of revenge against a small child (is it really normal to send in that much fish unless you are making a point? Maybe it is, it just seems odd (fishy!!) to me.) This person shouldn't be a friend anyway, most likely, I bet we'd say if we knew more about her. Ick.

Posted on: Wed, 03/10/2004 - 3:23am
Kim M's picture
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Joined: 06/09/2001 - 09:00

I did sort of lose a friend because of my daughter's allergy. There is a long thread here from last Sept/Oct detailing the whole story. [url="http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum1/HTML/004172.html"]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum1/HTML/004172.html[/url]
The abbreviated story is that we were at the beach, and she ate some trail mix with peanuts. I asked her not to touch my daughter because she had eaten peanuts. I emailed to explain why I had acted the way I had, and had to email again because of no response. When I finally got a response, I really didn't feel good about it. And I want to make clear that I wasn't really angry about her eating the peanuts as much I was about her not seeming to understand how serious it was. Honestly, if she had just come back and said, "I'm so sorry, I just didn't realize" everything would have been fine. But she didn't, and it escalated pretty badly, and I was most hurt that she never admitted she did something wrong or said she was sorry that she put my daughter's life at risk.
A few months went by and I tried to patch things up, and finally just called her to see if we could talk things through. We ended on a pretty good note, and we started emailing again, but I just can't feel the same about her. I've just sort of drifted away from returning the emails. It makes me very sad.

Posted on: Wed, 03/10/2004 - 4:18am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Mom2Sariah and Casey-Ann, welcome! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] I've been dealing with my son's PA for 6 years now and I can't say that I've lost any friends because of his PA, but let's put it this way, we certainly haven't gained any and I do believe PA plays into it. I have always posted on the board about my belief that my PA son is not invited to birthday parties because of his PA and I also think that's why he's not invited on play-dates or other things as well.
It's not so much about me losing friends but about my son's ability to make friends outside of school. It's really quite sad.
We do live quite aways from family (both his Father's and mine) so I'm not sure how our families would really deal with PA either. They do seem to "get it" but then they don't really have to deal with it very often.
On the up-side, I have had some absolutely tremendous experiences with people - one woman in the previous town I lived in wanted to be friends with me and wanted our children to be friends as well. She arranged for a play-date for the children and really an afternoon for her and I to get to know each other. The night before we went over, she scrubbed every one of her children's toys that my children may come into contact with in the play room. She was and still is a truly amazing woman and great friend.
I think I also have a great deal of guilt that plays into all of this as well. We have had to move quite a bit, especially during the last three years and I really feel if we had stayed in our previous town where the other children grew up knowing my son was PA and seemed to deal with it really well, he would have more friends, more birthday party invitations, more sleep-overs or play-dates.
Since moving here, he has changed schools each year and as he gets older (he's now 8) he's finding it more difficult to make friends even though he is so outgoing and social and again, I do think PA does come into other parent's/children's decision about whether or not to invite my son for whatever.
As far as you losing a friend because of PA, I am so sorry. It is extremely easy for me to say that you are better off finding out now and that your friend isn't worth your time if she can't understand your child's PA, recognize it and "get it", but that's easier said than done. Just as when I read about people having difficulties with their families with regard to PA, I feel really sad and disheartened for the person experiencing it.
However, having said all of that, and also having said how easy it is to say all of that ( [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img] great grammar), I do basically believe it to be true and that you will recover.
I had a friend for a long period of time and every time I would talk to her on the phone (we didn't live in the same city anymore), I would feel really crappy afterward. Something she said always made me feel just crappy. I realized that it was a toxic relationship and although I desperately wanted to keep our friendship because we had been friends for so long, I came to realize that that crappy feeling was better gone and if that meant the friendship was gone as well, so be it.
I'm wondering if it's possible for you to subtly educate your friend and see if she is one of the people who will come to "get it" or if you should stop wasting your time and energy on the friendship.
And, having said all of that, I still feel very sad for you. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img]
I'm going to try to find the thread re Positive Experiences so that you can read about some wonderful people "out there" who have chosen to "get it" for the sake of friendship or even the simple inclusion of a PA child at a birthday party.
Also, you'll be okay. You found PA.com. You have found the best place for support, caring, concern, encouragement, and information.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Wed, 03/10/2004 - 4:21am
Mom2Sariah's picture
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Kim H~ I did go back and read your whole story along with all of the responses. Thank you for giving me the link. I am just as shocked at your friends comment and how it ended as I am with my friend. Although it has not ended and I am in the waiting period for her to email me back. I am sort of expecting her to not answer like your friend did not. I am not sure that I can let things just slide or end the relationship so easily if she does not admit that she is wrong. I guess I am in the same kind of situation that you were in. THank you again for your story!
Hugs~Cindy

Posted on: Wed, 03/10/2004 - 7:46am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Cindy, I developed my allergies when I was near 30 so I never had to deal with school problems. There are a few adults on the board who did grow up with it and I'll try to put links here to anything I can find.
Stacey, yes, the person was very revengeful, in many aspects of her life. Neither of the boys were regulars in the lunch room, but since they tended to be in the same clubs they usually both stayed on the same days. And I agree that she sent fish just to make a point. I can so I will.
She was never actually a friend of mine - I had entire different issues with her but most did revolve around the safety of children in and around school.

Posted on: Wed, 03/10/2004 - 8:11am
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

My 7 yr old PA DS has many friends at school, sports, scouts etc....Many of them come over to visit. However, my son has only been to 2 of his friends houses. The other parents are ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED to have him over. Many have stated this directly to me. I look at it like "oh well, their loss." On a brighter note: One mom actually took note of all peanut products in the house right down to the dog food. She later consulted with be about inviting my son over. She cleaned with soap and water the areas that she suspected peanuts residue (ex: dog food area) and then put the dogs out where the kids would not be around them. This mom even watched with her husband the epi-pen video! She was (is still) a blessing. She has no idea just how many ways she helped my son. The boys had a blast!

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