Patsmommy-
I am so sorry for you and what you are going through and yes I can totally understand. I don't think it is wrong to be angry. You are protecting your precious son. But like others have said if they only see our angry they don't see the PA side and think we are overreacting. If we are calm and talk about it then even though they may not understand it may be easier for them to take.
I know it can be very scary to be in a situation like that and to know that your child, even though he's not eating anything could still have a reaction.
It doesn't feel okay if people know about your childs allergy but still put them in that situation. Especially since it is family it can be more upsetting.
Some members of our family don't always get it - they are set in their ways -and that is fine for them - but we have a dd who is 3 and if they want to see her then they have to make sure there are no nuts around or they don't see her. Harsh as that is it's reality. It's real cut and dry your protecting your child and you can expect them to do the same. But it does take time.
I have been angry before about this but to solve that problem for ourselves we just don't put ourselves in those kind of situations anymore.
Like Deegann said call ahead talk to the host and see what is on the menu then you can make a chose based upon that. If it is simply not safe decline and thank them for the invite. If you must attend something stay for the important part and then before the food is served leave. But at least you attended and your child is safe.
I am sure if your kicked them in the teeth you would feel great for the moment but they still would not get. It's not rocket science to us but to them it is.
To work through the anger I would just say you could try to talk to your MIL/SIL/DH if you thought it would help or the next family gathering just opt out and do something else.
I don't know if that helps much - but I know from reading other posts here that a lot of us have experienced similiar situations and felt the same way as you.
We all come in a place in those times that causes us to look at the big picture and see if it is really worth it to us to be with them for sake of family or to not to keep our little ones safe. Sometimes families figure it out - other times they won't.
For us it just takes more planning and a lot more communication no matter who we are going to be with or where we are going.
I hope for the best for you and your families and that you can resolve this and keep your little one safe. Take Care.
[This message has been edited by toomanynuts (edited May 02, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by toomanynuts (edited May 02, 2004).]

its happened to me to!
my gradma and grampa didn't 'get it' and filled my stocking with CASHEWS!!!!

Patsmommy, I am so sorry this happened. I would be livid & blow my stack. It is hard not to only show your anger when these people are family & should understand.
I deal with all my in-laws because dh won't/can't ??I dunno. I have just recently had an argument with my mil about going to her relatives(great aunt's, 2nd cousin's etc) in July. We had said we were going & I am becoming more anxious about it, because I know what will happen, it will be a nut nightmare. (this would be a week long trip 8 hours from home)
I do not want to go, I explained my reasons to mil and she blew up & said "you're right, you may as well never go" Then we talked calmly & she agreed these things would happen(serving nuts, baking with nuts, not letting me bring his own food, etc. etc.) & said it would be terrible for her too!!!!
Hopefully we are not going, as I will forgo being polite in their home to keep my son safe.
Keep up what you are doing, we can only pray these family members will get it one day.

Patsmommy, I was in a similar situation last September. My PA DD was asked to be a flower girl in my niece's wedding (my DH's brother). It was until July that I was told they were serving pistachio stuffed chicken breasts for the dinner! Now, by bil is a doctor and knows how severe she is, but that was what the menu was going to be!
Luckily, my DH and I were in total agreement and we left for the dinner portion of the wedding. He told his DB that if she couldn't eat, then we all couldn't eat (there's 6 of us). Being from out of town, we didn't know where to eat, so we got take-out Wendy's and ate in the car! I also brought my own cooler of safe foods and drink for her us only. I even brought my own cake so we could all eat cake while everyone else was.
Do I have some anger toward my bil now? You better believe it! He could've easily changed the menu. Personally, I think they were all probably caught up in the excitement and since they don't deal with the allergy 24/7 like we do, the just don't think about it!

PatsMommy...
I know what you mean about feeling like "kicking them in the teeth". I always had a close relationship w/ my In-Laws until my DS was diagnosed w/ a Peanut Allergy. It is amazing how a serious situation can make you see someones true colors. I agree w/ everyone else, it is best to try and talk to them first and provide them w/ info. Don't be afraid to tell them that their actions could lead to the death of your child. This sounds so scary, but people need to hear how serious this is. If they don't make the environment 100% safe next time, I would pick up and leave immediately. I also think that your DH needs to address them since they are his family and they may be more likely to listen to what he has to say. HUGS to you!!

I can relate to this. At my oldest dc's First Communion reception 3 years ago, I had specifically asked months ahead of time that food with obvious nut products not be served. The CCD coordinator said she would take care of it. The first thing we saw when we walked into the room were huge bowls of nuts on "every" table. Her face swelled up like a balloon and we had to leave. We have had similiar incidents before so my dh and I decided that we would no longer attend church functions with food served. I think getting up and leaving or not showing up at all (which is likely what I suggest you do the next time around) does make a statement. They have chosen to isolate you and your family from this special occasion by knowingly not caring enough about the safety of your dc by serving so many obvious nut items. Yesterday was my 2nd dc's First Communion and we decided to take her to the reception. In the middle of each meat platter was a huge cheese ball with nuts. My dc (now almost 12) did not feel safe eating the food and I respected her decision. I had offered to find some safe things for her to eat.
I can't help but wonder since your in-law is so nasty if she isn't hoping to provoke a confrontation with you by serving so many nut items...or maybe she is just very self-centered...only cares about what food her family likes. Either way, I feel for you and can understand why you got so upset.

Don't apologize, don't feel bad. Your anger was justified. You were protecting your son, and that is the first job of a mother.
More than once, I was the bad guy, I was the *itch to both sides of the family. One time, I even made my sister cry. I told her my friends cared more about my son than his own aunts. Then, miracle upon miracle, they changed. All of them. Now, they would not even consider eating peanuts or nuts around my kids.
Keep up the good work. You're being a great mom.

Patsmommy, hi, I wouldn't worry too much about what happened. If your sil is like mine, she would've found something to bitch about you for anyways. Whether I do something or not, in which case she makes something up, she starts something. I have totally cut myself off from her and my life is so much less stressful.
If I had kicked her in the teeth everytime I wanted to, she'd have no teeth and I'd be in jail [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
You did what you had to, so be it.