was i rude?

Posted on: Sat, 06/12/2004 - 12:10pm
lalow's picture
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The other day, while traveling, we stopped at a dennys. I thought my son might like some fries and started to ask the waitress about the oil they fry in. She came back saying it was vegtable oil. When I continued to question her she just said that was all she knew and walked off. I would have left but I had alot of family with me so I sat down with my son on my lap and refused to order anything for him or me. (he wouldnt sit in his high chair so I knew he would try to eat what was on my plate). So we just nibbled on his food while the others ate. I didnt think I was too rude but made it clear I couldnt order anything with no more information than that. Perhaps I should have asked to speak to someone else but I am new at all this and get flustered easily. When we left my husband said I was rude, I guess for not ordering anything. I HATE going out! I was pretty annoyed with him. He never asks questions, just assumes that I will and asks me what is o.k.

Posted on: Sat, 06/12/2004 - 1:16pm
California Mom's picture
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Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

I don't think you were rude at all. I am just sorry that you and your son were not able to safely order anything to eat. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] Next time I do think it would be good to ask if you could speak with the manager.
If it's any consolation for the future, Denny's is one of the places that we think of as "safe". We have eaten there many times over the years with my pa and tna nine year old dd. She has never had any problems.
It is a tough journey. I hope your dh will become more supportive. My dh thinks that about half of what I say to other people is rude, by the way. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img]
Take care, Miriam

Posted on: Sat, 06/12/2004 - 3:37pm
erik's picture
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Joined: 05/15/2001 - 09:00

You were not rude at all. The waitress provided rotten customer service. She should have investigated further for you. She did not deserve any tip for that poor service.
Next time, I would recommend you ask to speak to the manager. That is what I do and I usually find the manager to be well informed and helpful in the restaurants I visit.
You may want to write a letter to the restaurant manager to inform him that his staff are providing poor customer service and hopefully that might make a difference.

Posted on: Sat, 06/12/2004 - 4:02pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

lalow, I agree with both California Mom and erik. You were not rude. You kept your son safe because you did not get the answers you want and, more importantly, DESERVED from the waitress. Vegetable oil, IMHO, is not a *good* enough answer.
Now, as far as your DH thinking that you were rude, I'm like California Mom there as well. Half the time, my very social, outgoing, chatty husband will think that I am rude when I'm not. Using a restaurant as an example, even if we go in without the children and I don't have to ask PA questions particularly (say we're just ordering a breakfast together), he thinks it's rude when I don't make eye contact with the waitress when I'm ordering. That is one of the biggest difficulties I have in life, I know that nowadays it is considered a "big" deal and you're *supposed* to make eye contact with people, but I have a hard time with it. He thinks I'm being rude. I'm just being me.
When our son had the anaphylactic reaction where he almost died, my DH was still in denial about our son's PA.
I started to scream very loudly when Jesse put the pb rice krispie square up to his lip - scream - at a church function. My husband was mortified. He was really embarrassed, thought I was making a scene, you get my drift.
He would never think that to-day, six years later.
I also don't care for rotten customer service. I figure, if you're in a position that requires you to provide customer service than you *should* provide it well. I don't mean gushing over you and asking how your food is before you even get a bite in your mouth, but just *good* service. That extends to other places as well, like stores.
And, if I feel I'm not getting "good" customer service, depending on where I am, I will leave. So, your DH should consider himself lucky that you didn't leave, especially because the waitress couldn't/wouldn't get an answer to your question and neither you nor your son could eat.
Actually, and nothing against your husband, but think about it. Who was the ruder of the two of you? In reality? You, who sat there and ate nothing so that your son was "safe" or him for sitting there, not perhaps speaking up on your behalf, and then eating? And again, nothing against your husband.
If he mentions to you again that he thinks you were rude, I'd just turn it around and say, well, bloody he**, I thought you were rude and here's why.
No, I don't think you were rude at all.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------

Posted on: Sat, 06/12/2004 - 11:40pm
DRobbins's picture
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Joined: 07/19/2001 - 09:00

I don't think you were rude, either, although I will point out that maybe you should have been even *more* assertive, asking to speak to either a chef or a manager so you could get a real answer and not have to give up getting some food yourself.
The answer "vegetable oil" is one of my pet peeves. It's good enough for an answer if the question was "Do you use animal fat or vegetable oil for frying?", but that's about it. And when wait-staff tell me that their food is cooked in vegetable oil after I ask specifically about peanut oil, it drives me batty -- do they think that peanuts are minerals or animals? No? then they must be vegetable! Do they think that if it's called "vegetable oil" it comes from carrots and broccoli? Sheesh.
I always end up explaining that vegetable oil can come from any type of plant, and it's usually soybean oil, corn oil, canola oil or olive oil or a mixture, but I need them to check that there's no peanut oil in the mixture. That usually gets me a better answer, and if not, I ask for the chef or kitchen manager.
The world is full of stupid people, but I can't imagine that when I worked as a waitress I was that dumb and uncaring about my customer's health.
--Debbie
[This message has been edited by DRobbins (edited June 13, 2004).]

Posted on: Sat, 06/12/2004 - 11:59pm
lalow's picture
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Joined: 03/24/2004 - 09:00

I spoke with my husband again about the restaurant. He thought I was rude because I pouted. Perhaps I did. He has promised to ask all the questions next time. I dont think he should all the time of course but perhaps this way he will get to see how it is. I guess in some ways I have been feeling all the responsibility in this.
------------------
Lalow
James 2yrs NKA
Ben 17 months PA,MA,possible EA, and SA

Posted on: Sun, 06/13/2004 - 12:25am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

lalow, okay, you were rude because you were pouting. I can see what your husband is saying, I think.
It's odd, but once my DH did get over his denial re our son's PA, we never had to really worry about who was going to ask questions in restaurants, etc. It's just done.
He was the one that had a table wiped down at Dairy Queen a couple of years ago (the night that we all decided, as a family, PA son included, that we were not doing Dairy Queen anymore).
But yes, on the whole, I think you will find that as the Mom you will probably take on most of the responsibility for your child's allergy until they get older and start taking some themselves.
When it comes to school matters or dealing with manufacturers, I've always done that.
I once asked my DH what would happen if I dropped dead tomorrow, how would he handle PA and he said as long as he was able to visit this site and had one member's e-mail address that I trusted, he would be okay. LOL!
I know how difficult it can be to ask questions in restaurants. As I posted above in the story about not making eye contact with the waitress and how my DH thinks that's rude, I have never been one to "speak up". PA has made me learn how to speak up because I have to.
It's as DRobbins posted, really about becoming assertive and you will get there. It does take time.
Along the way, since it is a journey, you will also teach your child to ask the same questions in restaurants.
Even yesterday, we went to McDonald's. My daughter, who is 6, loves going up to buy the sundaes after the kids finish their meal. I said to her, Em, if they ask you if you would like peanuts or nuts, just say no, thank-you. The peanuts/nuts here come pre-packaged.
Well, yesterday, for the first time, someone actually did ask her if she wanted peanuts/nuts for the two sundaes and she said no thank-you. She knows why.
It will all work out okay. Now I'm just interested in seeing how your Chinese Food restaurant experience goes. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------

Posted on: Sun, 06/13/2004 - 1:54pm
AlwaysAvoidAnaphylaxis's picture
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Joined: 06/23/2001 - 09:00

You were not rude at all! I would have demanded to speak to the head chef/manager , whoever was in charge, and told them about the rudeness of the waitress. Then I would have asked for specific details about the way the fries are made. I would have even asked to go back into the kitchen to double check. My goal is to help my child stay safe and feel included at the same time and sometimes that isn't so easy! It gets easier as time goes on. Keep on truckin

Posted on: Mon, 06/14/2004 - 2:43am
CorinneM1's picture
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Joined: 06/20/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by lalow:
[b] The other day, while traveling, we stopped at a dennys. I thought my son might like some fries and started to ask the waitress about the oil they fry in. She came back saying it was vegtable oil. When I continued to question her she just said that was all she knew and walked off. I would have left but I had alot of family with me so I sat down with my son on my lap and refused to order anything for him or me. (he wouldnt sit in his high chair so I knew he would try to eat what was on my plate). So we just nibbled on his food while the others ate. I didnt think I was too rude but made it clear I couldnt order anything with no more information than that. Perhaps I should have asked to speak to someone else but I am new at all this and get flustered easily. When we left my husband said I was rude, I guess for not ordering anything. I HATE going out! I was pretty annoyed with him. He never asks questions, just assumes that I will and asks me what is o.k.[/b]
I don't think that you were rude, but rather that the waitress was. If she didn't have the time or the patience to speak with you, all she would have had to do was say, "I am not sure, but let me get my manager and perhaps s/he will be better able to address your questions".
In the future should a wait staff person make you feel uneasy or if you feel that they don't understand your questions, I would simply say "I know that you are terribly busy and I don't mean to hold you up from your other customers, but I need to know this information. Can you please ask your manager to speak with me about this matter? I really appreciate it". All of the time with a smile on your face.

Posted on: Mon, 06/14/2004 - 11:53am
KarenT's picture
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Joined: 10/30/1999 - 09:00

If it was me, I would e-mail the company telling them my concerns, let them know which Denny's it was and if you remember the waitress's name. Ask for an ingredients list or type of vegetable oil they use.
You may end up with a gift certificate for Denny's.
------------------
Karalot

Posted on: Mon, 06/14/2004 - 12:50pm
kelly01's picture
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Joined: 03/19/2001 - 09:00

I would not try to judge whether you were rude or not, because we all have our reasons for reacting.
For myself, the one thing I try to keep in mind, is that my son watches how I respond to these types of situations. I try my best to focus on getting the results that would be best for my son. If the end result I am looking for is to ensure that the food was safe for him so we could stay and enjoy the party, I would focus on finding someone who could answer the questions for me.
Kelly

Posted on: Mon, 06/14/2004 - 2:12pm
ALLERGYMOM's picture
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Joined: 10/09/2003 - 09:00

It is hard for us to eat at those places bc ds is also allergic to eggs.
I dont think you were rude at all. I think you did a great job and went with your instinct [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] I am sorry you and your ds could not eat [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] You mentioned that you are new to this. I used to hate to go out to eat but now after 4 years of dealing with MFA (anaphylaxes to all, contact reactive to all and inhalation reactive to fish) I have learned where to go and what to ask. I have also learned to go with my instinct and do what I feel is right for my ds and if someone gets mad or upset with me they will get over it. I would never get over it if something happened to my DS.
My dh never ask the questions either. Maybe he would if I gave him a chance. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] I dont though bc I like to feel in control with this situation. Not that I dont think he could not do it. Its just that I have always done it. So I feel more comfortable doing it.
------------------
Have A Great Day

Posted on: Wed, 11/02/2005 - 10:29am
Sandy1's picture
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Joined: 09/17/2005 - 09:00

I know this is a very old post,but did your dh ever get on your side? Or is he still in denial?
My dh keeps quiet and lets me do all the talking when it comes to our ds p.a.
He thinks he is the boss for everything else(or I let him think he is! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img])

Posted on: Wed, 11/02/2005 - 9:47pm
lalow's picture
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Joined: 03/24/2004 - 09:00

This brought back memories. It has been over a year since that post. That was like the first trip we took after his allergy testing. I was trying to avoid eggs, soy, milk, nuts, peanuts and bananas at the time. I think I was just trying to order him some fries. We are down to milk, soy and peanuts/nuts now. (he is not allergic to tree nuts but we avoid them for now). Yes, dh is better about it now. I still ask all the questions primarily. He is starting to read labels when he goes to the store (which is rare) but still brings home alot of stuff ds cant eat (I just read the labels when he gets here). He always feels bad when he does this so is getting better. I have accepted that I will be primarily responsible for this in that way and I think he just relies on me for that. He doesnt get embarressed anymore when I ask question now and doesnt call me rude.
------------------
Lalow
James 3yrs, NKA
Ben 2 yrs, PA and MA and SA

Posted on: Wed, 11/02/2005 - 9:50pm
lalow's picture
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Joined: 03/24/2004 - 09:00

That reminds me. this summer we went on a trip and went to mcdonalds. I tried to get some allergy information about the breakfasts there and the people acted like they had no idea what I was talking about and no way to find out about ingrediants. The kids were already playing so we just let them play without buying anything and left. I spoke with the maneger. It was weird.
------------------
Lalow
James 3yrs, NKA
Ben 2 yrs, PA and MA and SA

Posted on: Fri, 11/04/2005 - 6:47pm
gw_mom3's picture
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Joined: 02/14/2000 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by lalow:
[b]That reminds me. this summer we went on a trip and went to mcdonalds. I tried to get some allergy information about the breakfasts there and the people acted like they had no idea what I was talking about and no way to find out about ingrediants. The kids were already playing so we just let them play without buying anything and left. I spoke with the maneger. It was weird.
[/b]
That's so aggravating. When I contacted mcd's a few years ago, they told me that all of their employees are trained about allergies. I guess the ones in our town were absent that day.
------------------
==============
[b]~Gale~[/b]

Posted on: Wed, 11/09/2005 - 12:06am
Carefulmom's picture
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About the original post, since the frier is cross contaminated with everything else that has been fried in the fryer, doesn`t that pretty much rule out the fries anyhow (if dealing with milk allergy, almost certainly something with milk was in that fryer earlier that day---breaded chicken seems to be the most common one).
About McDonalds, again if dealing with milk allergy I would not advise it due to their total lack of concern for cross contamination. I witnessed an employee pick up a piece of cheese to make a cheeseburger and then touch pretty much everything else. I also witnessed them using the same tongs for their chicken strips without milk and their chicken mcnuggets with milk. They absolutely don`t have a clue about cross contamination there. The website is great with all their allergy information, but at the actual place where they cook it, they cross contaminate everything with everything else. It might be an option if you are only pa, but definitely not with milk allergy.

Posted on: Wed, 11/09/2005 - 4:10am
lalow's picture
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Yes, I agree about the cross contamination with milk.. it is true really for all restaurants. Although I try to be very very careful about peanuts and trace amounts etc. With my sons milk allergy I am more lax. For example I will let him eat foods run on the same lines or may contains milk. He has not reacted to this and I guess I am taking a chance he will not outgrow the allergy as quickly I have found it very difficult to avoid it totally.
------------------
Lalow
James 3yrs, NKA
Ben 2 yrs, PA and MA and SA

Posted on: Wed, 11/09/2005 - 11:01am
Carefulmom's picture
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Well, I guess that is true. But after Sabrina Shannon died from tongs that were used for French fries and the tongs were cross contaminated, it really scares me. The only restaurant we eat at is PF Changs where they bring out a brand new wok if you have food allergies, therefore there is no chance of cross contamination with anything. And since they are Chinese, almost none of their dishes have milk, and only one dish has peanuts. So cross contamination is not an issue. We found one other restaurant with some vegan nut free items that is very allergy aware. Other than that, we can`t do restaurants due to the cross contamination.

Posted on: Wed, 11/09/2005 - 11:47am
lalow's picture
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It does deffinately cut down on restaurants. But then taking small kids does too. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------
Lalow
James 3yrs, NKA
Ben 2 yrs, PA and MA and SA

Posted on: Mon, 03/27/2006 - 7:52am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

No, I don't think you were rude, you just said what you said.
Since there are obviously deeper issues between you and SIL, I wouldn't spend too much time and energy thinking about what she said.
Can I just surmise something?
I'm NOT saying that SIL isn't negating your son's allergies. But I'm thinking that maybe she was just really really happy that her child could eat something safely and she did want to express that sheer joy and also have her son thank you regardless. KWIM?
(If you like, please see my thread under Living with PA about a Birthday Party question).
It sounds like you may deal with the FA's differently and certainly she may sound over-the-top, but I'm trying to look at it from a positive point of view (at a time when I have NOTHING positive to say about my SIL).
Unless you think that she was trying to negate your son's allergies again, I would take it for a more simple exclamation of joy and thanks on the part of the woman and her child (trying to see the *good* in people).
But if that's NOT the feeling you're getting and you know the dynamics, then don't let it bother you, and no, you weren't rude.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------
"That was Polanski. Nicholson got his nose cut."

Posted on: Mon, 03/27/2006 - 9:02am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Maybe she was trying to point out to her son that some people can make things that are safe for him to eat? Truthfully, I wouldn't have been so blunt to say in your nephew's presence that you had made it for your son, and not for him. If just SIL was there, then I would clarify that point. However, that could feel like a rejection to your nephew--- like you extended the effort for your son, but not for him (of course you do more for your own child, but that might not be how the world seems to a kid). Personally, I would have said that you were happy you had made a cake that both your son and your nephew could eat because it was safe from ____ (list all the allergens).

Posted on: Mon, 03/27/2006 - 9:36am
fos4snt's picture
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Joined: 09/20/2005 - 09:00

I agree with Mookie, but I also know that family dynamics come into play and sometimes make it hard to think through how something like that could affect [i]the kids[/i].
I do understand you're feelings, though, Therese. But if a situation like this arises again in the future, think about Mookie's intelligent response. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
You weren't rude, just taken aback.
~phos

Posted on: Mon, 03/27/2006 - 11:10pm
momtotwokidz's picture
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Joined: 10/02/2005 - 09:00

Yes, I don't like that I said that in front of my nephew. I have let comments slide before and I think I was just ready for something to be said, and when she did, I jumped, and should have just let it go. I think I am going to call and apologize for what I said, and clarify what i meant, to SIL, I know i always need to keep my side of the street clean and that is what I need to do,
Therese

Posted on: Tue, 03/28/2006 - 9:32am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Without knowing the family dynamics, maybe just hugging your nephew and saying something to the effect of you being happy BOTH could enjoy the cake without worry. If your SIL is sort of "snotty", I think it bugs those type more when you don't even acknowledge their stupid comments, no manner of reason will change their mindset, some people just look for an argument.

Posted on: Mon, 03/27/2006 - 7:52am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

No, I don't think you were rude, you just said what you said.
Since there are obviously deeper issues between you and SIL, I wouldn't spend too much time and energy thinking about what she said.
Can I just surmise something?
I'm NOT saying that SIL isn't negating your son's allergies. But I'm thinking that maybe she was just really really happy that her child could eat something safely and she did want to express that sheer joy and also have her son thank you regardless. KWIM?
(If you like, please see my thread under Living with PA about a Birthday Party question).
It sounds like you may deal with the FA's differently and certainly she may sound over-the-top, but I'm trying to look at it from a positive point of view (at a time when I have NOTHING positive to say about my SIL).
Unless you think that she was trying to negate your son's allergies again, I would take it for a more simple exclamation of joy and thanks on the part of the woman and her child (trying to see the *good* in people).
But if that's NOT the feeling you're getting and you know the dynamics, then don't let it bother you, and no, you weren't rude.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------
"That was Polanski. Nicholson got his nose cut."

Posted on: Mon, 03/27/2006 - 9:02am
anonymous's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Maybe she was trying to point out to her son that some people can make things that are safe for him to eat? Truthfully, I wouldn't have been so blunt to say in your nephew's presence that you had made it for your son, and not for him. If just SIL was there, then I would clarify that point. However, that could feel like a rejection to your nephew--- like you extended the effort for your son, but not for him (of course you do more for your own child, but that might not be how the world seems to a kid). Personally, I would have said that you were happy you had made a cake that both your son and your nephew could eat because it was safe from ____ (list all the allergens).

Posted on: Mon, 03/27/2006 - 9:36am
fos4snt's picture
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Joined: 09/20/2005 - 09:00

I agree with Mookie, but I also know that family dynamics come into play and sometimes make it hard to think through how something like that could affect [i]the kids[/i].
I do understand you're feelings, though, Therese. But if a situation like this arises again in the future, think about Mookie's intelligent response. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
You weren't rude, just taken aback.
~phos

Posted on: Mon, 03/27/2006 - 11:10pm
momtotwokidz's picture
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Joined: 10/02/2005 - 09:00

Yes, I don't like that I said that in front of my nephew. I have let comments slide before and I think I was just ready for something to be said, and when she did, I jumped, and should have just let it go. I think I am going to call and apologize for what I said, and clarify what i meant, to SIL, I know i always need to keep my side of the street clean and that is what I need to do,
Therese

Posted on: Tue, 03/28/2006 - 9:32am
anonymous's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Without knowing the family dynamics, maybe just hugging your nephew and saying something to the effect of you being happy BOTH could enjoy the cake without worry. If your SIL is sort of "snotty", I think it bugs those type more when you don't even acknowledge their stupid comments, no manner of reason will change their mindset, some people just look for an argument.

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People with pollen allergies need to stay away from some foods. If you have allergic rhinitis in the spring or fall, you may not realize that you...

Of course, everyone knows that if you have a peanut allergy that you should avoid peanuts, peanut butter, peanut butter cookies and foods that...

Eating at a nut-free lunch table in school is a safety precaution that causes some students to feel isolated from their peers. Unfortunately,...