Your child\'s PA influence decision about more kids?

Posted on: Sat, 02/24/2001 - 11:16pm
Mir's picture
Mir
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Joined: 02/12/2001 - 09:00

pUgh I just typed this all out of my browser crashed... will try to remember what all I said... and apologies if this has been discussed before, but I couldn't find it./p
pMy DH thinks I'm a complete nutcase (pardon the pun) for thinking that--now that we know about DS's PA--maybe we shouldn't have more kids. We know that there is a genetic component in allergies, and since neither of us have food allergies it would seem that our chances of having ANOTHER PA child are slim (although statistically it was a slim chance to have the PA child we have). My DH's feeling is that "he's happy and healthy and there's a lot more that could be wrong with him." I agree and I'm thankful for my little guy every day! But I also feel that I'd almost be knowingly playing roulette if we decided to have another./p
pIt's not as if I require a genetically perfect child or anything. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] My DD got glasses before her second birthday (also a genetic condition) and that never figured into our family-building decisions at all. DH thinks these two situations are comparable. But in my eyes, my DD is dealing with a small inconvenience, while my PA DS is dealing with a life-long, life-THREATENING burden. I very much feel that this has to be consideration in the future. I feel badly enough for Isaac... how would I feel if I had ANOTHER PA child, knowing what I know now??/p
pI'm not asking for anyone to solve this for me. And we are very open to adoption so a decision either way wouldn't necessarily mean the end of our family expansion. I guess I'm just looking to find out if I'm the ONLY person who thinks this way. Is my DH right, am I overreacting?/p
pMiriam/p

Posted on: Sun, 02/25/2001 - 12:36am
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Joined: 01/30/2001 - 09:00

My first born, Noah, has the peanut allergy. My daughter appears to have nothing yet, 21 months. We are considering having another and the possiblity of having another PA kid never crossed our minds. I don't think we will have another PA kid, postive thinking. You should not dwell on it, since the chances are most likely minimal. Does anyone on this board have two or more kids with PA allergy?
Good Luck, Kayla

Posted on: Sun, 02/25/2001 - 12:38am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Mir, I don't think this is a bizarre question. I know that Bensmom had started a similar thread maybe about 6 months ago and got great response. It's too bad the search feature isn't working so you could at least see what great response she got and then add it to what you're going to get here.
Now, me, personally, I didn't have any choice. I was 7 months pregnant with my second child when I found out Jesse was PA.
For me, I had already made the decision that I was only going to have two children and arranged for a tubal ligation as soon as my daughter was born.
But, it wasn't until maybe three months ago that I found out my daughter wasn't PA. The thing with me, and my "comfort zone" is that my daughter won't be exposed to or eating peanut products as long as she lives at home with her brother anyway. So, it really didn't matter if she was PA or not, to me.
I only had to find out if she was before she entered the school system. I can't have the school system taking precautions for a PA child when the child is not PA.
Miriam, I'm hoping that you will get some response from people that either did decide or decided against having other children once they learned they had a PA child.
As I say, I can't really answer "properly" since my second and last was already well on the way when I found out about her brother's PA. Somehow I'd like to think that PA wouldn't affect my decision, but I'm not sure.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Sun, 02/25/2001 - 4:13am
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Joined: 02/11/2001 - 09:00

MY 19 MONTH OLD SON IS PA, HOWEVER THAT DID NOT STOP ME FROM CONSIDERING HAVING ANOTHER CHILD. I AM ALMOST 5 MONTHS PREGNANT WITH MY SECOND CHILD. IM NOT WORRIED IF THIS CHILD IS GOING TO BE PA OR NOT. IF IT IS, WELL, WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT ANYWAYS FOR OUR SON SO WE WOULD JUST KEEP ON DOING WHAT WE ARE DOING.
IF YOU TRULY WANT ANOTHER CHILD DONT LET THIS STOP YOU.

Posted on: Sun, 02/25/2001 - 5:07am
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Joined: 01/04/2001 - 09:00

Miriam, you are not overreacting by taking your DS's PA status into consideration with regards to having more children.
After my DD's diagnosis, I had a similar conversation with my DH. I was reluctant to continue trying to conceive our second child (we had just started trying a few months prior to Emily's diagnosis). My DH did not agree with my concerns (would another child be PA too, can I still give Emily the attention she needs, etc.), but he said that it was ultimately my decision because I am Emily's primary caregiver.
I have decided to continue trying for another child. There are many reasons that I came to this decision. Mainly, we would like Emily to have a sibling to grow up with. I will, of course, do everything possible to prevent another child from developing this allergy. But no matter how many children with PA that God chooses to give me, I know my DH and I will do everything we can to ensure PA doesn't stop them from having full and happy lives.
Again, I don't think you are overreating for taking PA into consideration in such a big decision. It has only been three months since my DD's diagnosis, but PA has already become a factor of just about all of my decisions.
Take care, Anne

Posted on: Sun, 02/25/2001 - 5:51am
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Miriam--my husband and I knew my older son was severely PA before I ever became pregnant with my second son, but it was never an issue-we knew we wanted 2 kids. However I was much "smarter" my second time around, never ate peanuts while I was pregnant, never exposed my second baby to any of the high allergy risk foods such as milk and wheat until he was over 1 year old, and breastfed him till he was around 14 months. He is 7 now and has never been exposed to peanuts. Even with all these precautions, he is still PA but at a much lower level than my older son. I am hoping he is one of the lucky 20% that may outgrow his allergy.
So if you do want more children, I think the odds are on your side that if you keep your home and your diet peanut free, and keep your baby away from high risk foods, your next child may not be allergic. I am an "almost only child" (my only sibling is 15 years older than me) and I really missed having a brother or sister closer to my own age.

Posted on: Sun, 02/25/2001 - 1:21pm
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Hello People! remember there are some others besides me on this website that have PA and I for one am just furious whenever this subject pops up. How can you begin to think that a baby should not be born just because you may worry or be inconvenienced with his/her PA? How do you imagine telling your first child that you decided not to allow another child into the family because the little baby just may come into this world with PA? And how do our lives count? Am I too much a burden on my husband and family because they too have to stay away from peanuts in the house and near me? Get a grip lady. PA is something some of us have to live with and unfortunately so do our immediate families. It's not the big thing you make it out to be. You probably are a very nice person and didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings but just listen to yourself next time and be careful of what your child hears you say.

Posted on: Sun, 02/25/2001 - 2:34pm
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Joined: 12/02/1999 - 09:00

Mir, please do not let the possibility of PA influence your decision! I've been PA all my life and to be honest it never crossed my mind that my children WOULDN'T be PA. Sure enough they both are. You say your DD's glasses are merely an inconvenience while your DS's PA is a life-long, life-threatening burden. I beg to differ. I NEVER felt my PA was a burden. It is now and always has been a mere inconvenience. Yes, I am severely PA. Yes, I've experienced anaphylaxis. Yes, I am very touch and smell sensitive. Does any of this interfere with my living a happy, fulfilling life? NO! In fact, most days I don't even consciously think about my allergy just like I don't think about breathing or blinking.
For myself, it is much harder being the parent of a PA child than actually having PA. I'm sure it was difficult for my parents but they never projected their feeling onto me and I try to do the same for my children. I worry about my children's safety, but I have never once felt badly for my children because they have PA.
Rebekah

Posted on: Sun, 02/25/2001 - 10:14pm
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Mir
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Joined: 02/12/2001 - 09:00

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts on this. It is particularly helpful for me to hear from those of you who are adults with PA rather than just parents of PA kids like myself.
I'm guessing from the feedback that I was somehow unclear here. As far as any inconvenience to MYSELF over PA, big deal. That was not my focus or point at all. Someone pointed out that since they already have a protocol for their PA child it hardly matters if they have another child with PA. I'm fully cognizant of the fact that I am now dealing with it and whether it's one kid or 20 with PA makes no difference to ME. My concern is for my son (and any future children) when grown to adulthood and no longer being taken care of. Give me a break, people, he's only 1 and we just found out about this a month ago. How do I know how he'll feel about it when he's 10, or 18, or 30? Right now I am terrified for his life and safety, and how do I know he won't have a hard time coping with this when he's older? Is it unreasonable for me to feel badly for him?
Rebekah, I want to thank you for expressing yourself so clearly and showing me that PA is just a part of your life and not a burden. That's wonderful for me to know and I very much appreciate your sharing that with me without judgement. That was exactly what I needed to hear.
Veteran.pa, I'm sorry that I've offended you. Clearly this is a sore subject for you as it is evident that you neither read my post carefully nor truly cared if you hurt my feelings. I came here for education and you're probably in a wonderful place to give it to me. However, treating me like a insensitive monster and telling me to get a grip teaches me nothing other than that you're mad simply because the subject came up. I would love to hear more about your experience but I'm not interested in arguing or being accused. No matter how stupid you may think I am, I'm sure you can agree that I wouldn't be here if I didn't care. I'm here to learn so that I can be the best parent to my child; you can educate me or you can deride me. One of those choices helps us all (including my PA son) and the other helps no one.
Thanks again, everyone.
Miriam

Posted on: Mon, 03/05/2001 - 6:41am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Miriam, I had forgotten to check on this thread after I posted my response, which I usually do. I'm really not clear if the search feature is working here or not, but if it is, please try to find Bensmom's thread on having another child. I can clearly tell you that she got a lot of response, with differing opinions, and the thread did not become contentious. Or, if you're not able to find it, perhaps you'd be able to e-mail her and see what she, specifically has to say. I do know that it was her that posted the question before and I also know that she got a lot more response than you did.
From your last post, above, I'm really feeling that you need more input and actually deserve more input on this, but, for whatever reason, once a thread becomes contentious people tend to stay away from it. I'd try to find the one Bensmom started, with the caution that a lot of the people that responded to her then are no longer posting on the board now, but they are PA parents/people regardless. Jeez, I'm not even clear if she didn't revive this thread recently herself. I may try to check for you.
I certainly know where you were coming from and I believe your last post particularly clarified it for those people that may have misunderstood your original thread starter upon first reading.
I even know some random thoughts that pop into my head about having one PA child and one non-PA child, none of them negative about my PA child, but I know they have a lot to do about fear, fear for the rest of his life that I will not have with my daughter. I think it's a really complex thing and I can't begin to explain it properly here, but I would have felt totally comfortable if my non-PA daughter had turned out to be PA.
Then my concerns about each child would have been equal.
Also, since you are relatively new to PA, and your child is SO young, I think people replying to you should take into consideration the fact that you are afraid right now and have every right to be. You haven't been dealing with it for 3 or more years yet. You're afraid and that's okay.
I'm going to try to find Bensmom thread. If I find it, I'm actually going to raise it again so you can see it.
I hope you get some more response Miriam, because, although I can understand why some PA adults may be offended by this question, it is still a question that obviously not only you have had.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Mon, 03/05/2001 - 6:51am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Mir, I have just raised Bensmom's thread, Thinking of Having Another Baby. She had 39 responses, which is a heckuva lot more than you received to the same question. I'm hoping raising this again may be of some help to you.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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