What would you do...

Posted on: Wed, 06/28/2006 - 1:21pm
anonymous's picture
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We have family visit once a year, now that my mom lives with us they visit here. It is an aunt that has come every year since I can remember.
Last year, I caught restaurant leftovers stored at my house, as well my aunt sat in the LR with chocolate, turned out it was no nuts (hershey's special dark) but at the time my son was reacting to soy lecithin as well, so it was not allowed in the house. Then there was the family reunion, packed my kids a picnic, set up our own table, anyone welcome to join, but wipe your hands (wipes provided). Well my aunt proceeds to meet and greet, picking in everyone's food, shaking hands, then comes to our table and puts her hand in our food. I asked her to wash her hands and got rid of the item she contaminated, so she proceeds to loudly berate me. Did I mention she's an ordained minister in the Salvation Army? Anyways I figure I will never go to another one of these reunions, problem solved.
This year, the deal was OK, visit, no outside food. I will provide chocolate, and anything else needed, and I have.
So today DH has lost wallet and checkbook after grocery shopping, we look everywhere, nothing. In anticipation of having to open a whole new checking account, I begin checking the dumb places we put keys and checkbooks when putting away groceries, we sometimes store overflow in my mom's fridge. So as I'm checking her cupboards and fridge, I find a nut contaminated chocolate bar and choc covered espresso beans also nut contaminated in her freezer that my Aunt has stashed.
So now of course they are playing the victims, the "I'll leave if you want me to" **** , and I am ticked. DH is at work, I'd like to kick Aunt out, but am afraid dh would have a fit. He'll be home about 2 am, but he's been doing overtime and I hate to hit him with this as soon as he walks in the door.
I deal with enough of this in the world, I will not at home. I am at least not allowing my aunt to stay here anymore when she visits, she lives in NJ. I had a simple rule, DO NOT BRING ANY FOOD. Mom knew about the coffee beans but said she didn't think it was a problem. Keep in mind I specifically mentioned the chocolate incident from last year, and everyone agreed to no food, so I don't know how far I should take this with my mom. She knows better and has been very good since I caught her with the contraband walnuts last year, but now this. She knew that Aunt had put those things in her freezer, and saw her eating them, and knows and agreed to the no outside food rule.
I am beyond ticked, had hoped to sleep tonight, but don't see it happening now without major sedatives.

Posted on: Wed, 06/28/2006 - 1:36pm
VariegatedRB's picture
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Personally, *I* wouldn't freak out about may contains if that's what they are. If they actually *have* nuts, I would be very upset. I would throw the food out and explain (in the am after everyone has slept on it!) to mom after aunt leaves (in order to 1. be a gracious host and 2. keep peace in the family) that since she won't support the rules in order to keep her grandchild safe that she won't be able to have aunt come as a guest. Next year, when visiting time comes round... I would find some other option- even if it meant (and I don't know what options are available/the details of your situation) putting mom & aunt in a hotel room for a week...
I would remind mom that it is YOUR house, that she needs to respect YOUR rules, and that you have gone out of the way to make her (and her guests) comfortable.
Now... RELAX! You need to sleep so you can be a good mommmy! Venting here is good! Remind yourself that the foods likely are no risk to ds. If anything *has* to be decontaminated, do it, but then remind yourself ds is safe.
The problem here is disrespect at this point, not safety.
Tara P

Posted on: Wed, 06/28/2006 - 2:24pm
Corvallis Mom's picture
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I agree-- from the perspective of having handled these things both ways. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img]
The big knock-down-drag-out scene... Ugly.
The sweet "DH and I really need to talk to you about something" after you have calmed down? Better... not guaranteed not to result in an ugly scene (clearly, given this person's hx) but still preferable.
I recommend that when your DH is ready to discuss this with you, that you should emphasize that this probably wasn't a matter of actual safety so much as total disrespect for the rules of the house.
Before she leaves? Tell her that next visit, she's shacking up at the local motel. And tell her why.
Then? When she shows up, make it a point to ask her if she is hauling any food over your doorstep and then calmly confiscate it. Literally block her entry into your house until she answers (remember-- SHE has forced you to be the food police).
I had to do this a few times with my mom and stepdad but they finally got it.
Sorry this visit has gone sooooo badly for you!
Breathe in and out slowly and eat some safe chocolate (since you obviously aren't going to be saving any for Auntie... heh heh heh.)
Think happy thoughts and try to get some sleep! {{hugs}}
[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Wed, 06/28/2006 - 4:41pm
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Why is family so much harder to deal with? I mean, my Mom's Group has come to the point where they have no nuts at anything for us, ask before they even hand Aiden a cracker to feed to a duck (he has multiple allergies) and have one food free event per week (though have asked what Aiden can eat to have on hand for the kids that just can't wait.) The woman who suggested doing this only knew me in passing!! So how is it a virtual stranger gets it and my own family is clueless?
So you want to know what I would do? Personally, I would earn a black belt in karate and kick your aunt to the curb. Honestly, I would like to do that to more than a few members of my husband's family as well. At Christmas, his aunt had nuts on the table and of course people were snacking on them. My husband got up, removed the offending bowls and reminded his aunt about my son's allergies. He then asked that everyone washed their hands and faces after dinner and to please refrain from kissing Aiden. I was SO proud of him. Her response, "But they aren't peanuts." What part of all nuts are to be avoided, don't you get??? His cousin was very sympathetic and said she understood exactly where we were coming from. Fast forward to Easter, Easter egg hunt at his cousin's house along with a dinner buffet. What's on the table? Peanut butter cookies and other peanut containing chocolate bites. Not only that - they were on the edge of the table. Despite telling her daughter repeatedly that we brought Aiden's food for him and he can't eat anything on that table because it would make him sick, she kindly unwraps a Snickers bite and tries to give it to him. It took an hour and half to get there, we stayed 20 minutes. We have not been to another family outing since then - only to have them here. Heard from another cousin's wife, that his aunt says we want to keep Aiden in a plastic bubble for the rest of his life. And if I do? What business is it of theirs?
Aiden was diagnosed PA (among others) in August of last year when he was just short of 8 months old. We were told the usual, avoid peanuts of any kind, nuts, may contains, legumes, etc. You know what? I'm sticking to it. I have an absolutely nil comfort level at this time and while it keeps me from sleeping at night, it keeps Aiden breathing on a daily basis. We have not had a reaction, nor do I know how he would react if he was to come in contact. We have had too many close calls with other allergens that we didn't know about. Maybe, just maybe my dilligence will pay off and my son will be allergy free someday. Or maybe not and I will have to relax my comfort level (I just can't see this as happening right now). In the meantime though, respect my wishes because you don't have a clue what it's like to think you could possibly never see your child again because someone selfishly can't abide by your rules. You don't read the In Memory posts on this site and see what allergies can do. You aren't reduced to tears everytime you have to respond to yet another selfish family member.
I apologize if I digressed. But as you can tell, this is one touchy subject for me too.
------------------
Mommy to Aiden 1/26/05 PA,wheat,barley,soy,egg and others yet to be discovered DS#2 is due July 15, 2006 who we hope will be AF

Posted on: Wed, 06/28/2006 - 11:41pm
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I agree with the others who said that there is no risk to your child from may contains in the fridge, but that isn`t the point. It isn`t my house; it is your house and if these are your rules then they should be followed. I have been living with this much longer than most on this board (my pa/milk allergic dd is 11), so what I would do is just throw them away and say nothing. When she comes to you asking where her candy is, just act totally innocent and say "I guess you forgot, but we don`t allow this in the house due to _____`s peanut allergy." I personally believe if she wants to sneak it in, then you have every right to sneak it out. I would act like you thought she just forgot, and maybe she really did forget(not that it makes it okay, my aunt asks every time we go out to breakfast if dd would like to try restaurant pancakes, eggs, bacon, etc., all of which is impossible due to milk allergy. It drives me crazy that after all these years she still can`t remember.)

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:13am
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Thanks all for your POV's. My aunt did not forget, she prefers the fancier chocolate (apparently the special dark she snuck in last year is no longer good enough, that is what I bought her). She took the offending items to her car last night after they were discovered. Her and my mom are on a field trip today to visit some friends, I will talk to hubby when he gets up. If they bring home any packages I plan to search them, I won't kick her out, but she is not staying here again. Both her and my mom are the give them an inch they'll take a mile sort. I don't know what to do with my mom, she has been so good, now this.
I realize the danger was slight on the chocolate bar, it was a tree nut risk only, but she snuck it in and hid it. My mom didn't even know she had the chocolate bar. The rule was that she bring in no food, we are now accomodating my nephew's egg allergy as well as our peanut/tree nut and s
On a lighter note, onions make my aunt horrribly sick, so I put post it notes around the kitchen that said "no onion" to remind me because I chop up onion in everything. My aunt said, "well for one week it won't kill you not to have onions" funny how people are isn't it?
Live and learn, I will NOT host again.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:26am
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French onion soup for dinner tonight??
------------------
Mommy to Aiden 1/26/05 PA,wheat,barley,soy,egg and others yet to be discovered DS#2 is due July 15, 2006 who we hope will be AF

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:47am
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Good one Jennifer, I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks this way.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:55am
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The only thing I can think to add to the rest of the comments - is to remind them, that you are doing this for the safety and sanity of your child. That your child deserves to feel safe in his own home. That is the reason for the rule - it's not just some crazy "rule" you've decided to impose on your family members.
I might even have this conversation around ds depending on his age. Maybe a good dose of old fashioned guilt might smack some sense into them?
And I would definitely remind them how they would feel if their contraband caused a life threatening reaction. Would their childish prank really be worth risking their grandson/grandnephew's life. Because that is what it is - a childish prank to try to get around the house rules without being caught.
------------------
Sherlyn
Mom to 6.5 year old twins Ben & Mike - one PA & the other not.
Stay Informed And Peanut Free!

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 1:42am
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Another point is that when they force you to repeatedly address this, it is not lost on your child. My dd does not like these issues being discussed, when they involve conflict and rules being broken. Maybe you can play on that side of it. Because you do have to caution your child to be careful around an auntie who sneaks in unsafe foods. I have had to tell to ask her uncle of he has had nuts and to wash his hands and to avoid his kisses. It makes her feel a bit upset that he doesn not be more careful for her, and she loves him so. becca

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 3:16am
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Dh in support of me, does not want to kick out the aunt, but is willing to post signs and help conduct "customs" style searches at the door.
We will have a sit down with the offenders later and I'll let you all know how it goes.
Thank you all for the support.
Huge hugs to all of you!
Wendy

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 6:25am
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How much longer is the aunt visiting? If it's only another day or two, let her stay, but do speak to her and do those searches. But if it is longer, it seems to me she will likely find some way to sneak more stuff in.
I do agree that if it is may contains, you shouldn't flip out over his safety. But you have every right to be irate over the rule breaking, and have every reason to expect that the next time it could be worse. So don't let there be a next time. When she wants to visit again, explain why she will never be allowed to stay with you again. And if she fusses over it, remind her that she is the one who thinks chocolate is more important than your son's life.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 7:27am
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Quote:Originally posted by JenniferKSwan:
[b]French onion soup for dinner tonight??
[/b]
How about frying up one of those "bloomin' onions" tonight? Serve it with a little onion sauce. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/cool.gif[/img]

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 10:37am
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Well, the Aunt was gone all day, came back at 5 pm tonite, walked in the door, shook a Wal-Mart bag at me and said "It's a cell phone, no nuts!", which I thought was kind of snotty, but I let it slide and told her DH and I wanted to talk with her and my mom tomorrow around 10 am. So she says "Am I in trouble?" I explained that we wanted to talk because everyone agreed to the rules ahead of time, then she got argumentative saying there were no warnings on the packages, yet refused to get them out of her car so I could show her where to look. She then packed and went to the motel down the road.
She has not once apologized, claims it was innocent, then it's everybody's fault but hers.
We will see if she actually comes to talk to my dh in the morning like she told my mom she would. I'll be interested to see if she's as snide with him as she was with me.
I have to say I'm stunned, I just can't imagine what people are thinking sometimes. I had one simple rule, no outside food, and for one week as a guest in our home she refused to honor that, then becomes rude when caught.
I can at least say I did all I could, and I'm grateful I bit my tongue and was respectful. I still feel bad though, what a rotten position to put someone in.
I'll have to wait and see what transpires tomorrow.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 11:10am
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Don't feel bad. You have not done ANYTHING wrong.
You have been patient. You have been fair.
You allowed her to come back after she messed up last year... and she messed up again!
Mom knows better... but even grown-ups cave under peer pressure sometimes.
I would have been lenient had the rule been "no food that has nuts or has a may contain warning" and she claimed to miss the warning...
BUT the rule was NO FOOD- so it matters not one bit whether or not there was a warning on the label. The rule was clear, she chose to break it.
She CHOSE to break the (clear, simple) rule (again); therefore, SHE CHOSE not to be invited back!
She is a difficult person. She is the one with the problem.
I have dealt with some aunts like that (not over PA issues), too. You just have to learn to shake it off. You gave her a chance- she blew it. Be nice to her, but don't trust her!
Tara P

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:26pm
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I think that some one should fill that Walmart bag full of onions and whop her a good one when she's sleeping! All kidding aside, Auntie is an adult and made the decision on her own to bring food into the home. Safe food or not it was prearranged and she decided not to follow the rules. Time for some Natural Consiquences.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:33pm
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For those that don't know, smooneyh has been a huge support for me through this, and had auntie come home and shook that Wal-mart bag at me in front of her, I'd be on here trying to raise bail money for my dear, incarcerated friend.
My only regret is that it is not dog show weekend at the local motel where auntie has gone.
Thanks to all for the support.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 2:57pm
Corvallis Mom's picture
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No jury in the world would convict her.
I think that as long as you and your DH continue to be firm and respectful, there is NO WAY that this passive-aggressive twit is going to come away from this having painted you as nut-jobs.
I for one feel (as I'm [i]just sure you do too[/i]) sooooooo [i]pleased[/i] that she has found an arrangement which is going to work better for everyone. I'd tell her that. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
{{{hugs}}} to you and to your DH for being so great about all of this.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 9:47pm
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Quote:Originally posted by hblmom:
[b] what a rotten position to put someone in.
[/b]
I agree. She put you in a rotten position. I think she knew it too, and tried to use it. It is terrible for a guest to put a host in a position where they have to choose between their family's safety and being a "good host." You made the right choice.
Edited for spelling.
[This message has been edited by Jimmy's mom (edited June 30, 2006).]

Posted on: Fri, 06/30/2006 - 1:37am
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I have a friend that literally survives on PB&J sandwiches (I promise, I'm not exaggerating this). On previous visits, our first stop after picking her up from the airport was to pick up her PB, jelly, water and snacks (she is diabetic and prefers to have her food available to keep her sugar at a good level). She is also a very picky eater, so if she doesn't like what I have made, she will make her faithful sandwhich.
I thought for sure she was going to be a problem since her visit was scheduled 2 weeks after my son was diagnosed. That was so not the case. She was actually more dilligent than I was at the time (I was still in the overwhelmed state). We made the same stop and she picked up other safe foods for herself, making sure to read all labels and avoiding anythign that was even processed with nuts. We had planned to visit her parents for a few days in NC. She called her parents as soon as she heard about Aiden's diagnosis and made sure that her parents put up all nut products and were aware of all of his allergies. She even did some research about his other allergies and told us we were going shopping to see the options. Well our local healthfood store (farmer's market really) had an extensive selection of wheat, egg, soy free products. Okay, so I was feeling like this was doable - until she pointed out that it was next to a make your own nut butter bar and would it be cross contaminated? (That's another argument I have altogether, like why wheat free breads which are made for those with allergies are processed on contaminated lines?)
When she left I thanked her for everything - especially about giving up peanut butter for the week. She said not to even think about it "I can survive a week without nuts, you can't survive without Aiden for a lifetime!" Whenever I hear someone complaining about the "Sacrifice" they have to make for my child, I think about that one comment and it allows me the strength to go on.
------------------
Mommy to Aiden 1/26/05 PA,wheat,barley,soy,egg and others yet to be discovered DS#2 is due July 15, 2006 who we hope will be AF

Posted on: Mon, 07/03/2006 - 7:21am
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I totally understand your frustration! As parents of PA kids we are constantly on "alert" for the safety of our kids. For my own sanity our home is completely peanut free. We don't have any peanut products or "may contains" products. I need our home to be a safe haven for my PA son and for me. For your guests to violate your safe haven is inconsiderate and rude. How you wish to handle that is completely your call.............the mother bear in all of us would like to drop kick them to the curb..............but maybe a more tactful approach is to sit them down and explain to them the severity of ds's allergy (again) only this time make them watch the instructional video on how to administer an epi-pen or if you don't have one, instruct them yourself....tell them that your house rule is that everyone under your roof needs to know how to administer this pen in case ds needs it..................maybe then they'll get it. Good luck and let us know how it goes [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Wed, 06/28/2006 - 1:36pm
VariegatedRB's picture
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Personally, *I* wouldn't freak out about may contains if that's what they are. If they actually *have* nuts, I would be very upset. I would throw the food out and explain (in the am after everyone has slept on it!) to mom after aunt leaves (in order to 1. be a gracious host and 2. keep peace in the family) that since she won't support the rules in order to keep her grandchild safe that she won't be able to have aunt come as a guest. Next year, when visiting time comes round... I would find some other option- even if it meant (and I don't know what options are available/the details of your situation) putting mom & aunt in a hotel room for a week...
I would remind mom that it is YOUR house, that she needs to respect YOUR rules, and that you have gone out of the way to make her (and her guests) comfortable.
Now... RELAX! You need to sleep so you can be a good mommmy! Venting here is good! Remind yourself that the foods likely are no risk to ds. If anything *has* to be decontaminated, do it, but then remind yourself ds is safe.
The problem here is disrespect at this point, not safety.
Tara P

Posted on: Wed, 06/28/2006 - 2:24pm
Corvallis Mom's picture
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I agree-- from the perspective of having handled these things both ways. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img]
The big knock-down-drag-out scene... Ugly.
The sweet "DH and I really need to talk to you about something" after you have calmed down? Better... not guaranteed not to result in an ugly scene (clearly, given this person's hx) but still preferable.
I recommend that when your DH is ready to discuss this with you, that you should emphasize that this probably wasn't a matter of actual safety so much as total disrespect for the rules of the house.
Before she leaves? Tell her that next visit, she's shacking up at the local motel. And tell her why.
Then? When she shows up, make it a point to ask her if she is hauling any food over your doorstep and then calmly confiscate it. Literally block her entry into your house until she answers (remember-- SHE has forced you to be the food police).
I had to do this a few times with my mom and stepdad but they finally got it.
Sorry this visit has gone sooooo badly for you!
Breathe in and out slowly and eat some safe chocolate (since you obviously aren't going to be saving any for Auntie... heh heh heh.)
Think happy thoughts and try to get some sleep! {{hugs}}
[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Wed, 06/28/2006 - 4:41pm
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Why is family so much harder to deal with? I mean, my Mom's Group has come to the point where they have no nuts at anything for us, ask before they even hand Aiden a cracker to feed to a duck (he has multiple allergies) and have one food free event per week (though have asked what Aiden can eat to have on hand for the kids that just can't wait.) The woman who suggested doing this only knew me in passing!! So how is it a virtual stranger gets it and my own family is clueless?
So you want to know what I would do? Personally, I would earn a black belt in karate and kick your aunt to the curb. Honestly, I would like to do that to more than a few members of my husband's family as well. At Christmas, his aunt had nuts on the table and of course people were snacking on them. My husband got up, removed the offending bowls and reminded his aunt about my son's allergies. He then asked that everyone washed their hands and faces after dinner and to please refrain from kissing Aiden. I was SO proud of him. Her response, "But they aren't peanuts." What part of all nuts are to be avoided, don't you get??? His cousin was very sympathetic and said she understood exactly where we were coming from. Fast forward to Easter, Easter egg hunt at his cousin's house along with a dinner buffet. What's on the table? Peanut butter cookies and other peanut containing chocolate bites. Not only that - they were on the edge of the table. Despite telling her daughter repeatedly that we brought Aiden's food for him and he can't eat anything on that table because it would make him sick, she kindly unwraps a Snickers bite and tries to give it to him. It took an hour and half to get there, we stayed 20 minutes. We have not been to another family outing since then - only to have them here. Heard from another cousin's wife, that his aunt says we want to keep Aiden in a plastic bubble for the rest of his life. And if I do? What business is it of theirs?
Aiden was diagnosed PA (among others) in August of last year when he was just short of 8 months old. We were told the usual, avoid peanuts of any kind, nuts, may contains, legumes, etc. You know what? I'm sticking to it. I have an absolutely nil comfort level at this time and while it keeps me from sleeping at night, it keeps Aiden breathing on a daily basis. We have not had a reaction, nor do I know how he would react if he was to come in contact. We have had too many close calls with other allergens that we didn't know about. Maybe, just maybe my dilligence will pay off and my son will be allergy free someday. Or maybe not and I will have to relax my comfort level (I just can't see this as happening right now). In the meantime though, respect my wishes because you don't have a clue what it's like to think you could possibly never see your child again because someone selfishly can't abide by your rules. You don't read the In Memory posts on this site and see what allergies can do. You aren't reduced to tears everytime you have to respond to yet another selfish family member.
I apologize if I digressed. But as you can tell, this is one touchy subject for me too.
------------------
Mommy to Aiden 1/26/05 PA,wheat,barley,soy,egg and others yet to be discovered DS#2 is due July 15, 2006 who we hope will be AF

Posted on: Wed, 06/28/2006 - 11:41pm
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I agree with the others who said that there is no risk to your child from may contains in the fridge, but that isn`t the point. It isn`t my house; it is your house and if these are your rules then they should be followed. I have been living with this much longer than most on this board (my pa/milk allergic dd is 11), so what I would do is just throw them away and say nothing. When she comes to you asking where her candy is, just act totally innocent and say "I guess you forgot, but we don`t allow this in the house due to _____`s peanut allergy." I personally believe if she wants to sneak it in, then you have every right to sneak it out. I would act like you thought she just forgot, and maybe she really did forget(not that it makes it okay, my aunt asks every time we go out to breakfast if dd would like to try restaurant pancakes, eggs, bacon, etc., all of which is impossible due to milk allergy. It drives me crazy that after all these years she still can`t remember.)

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:13am
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Thanks all for your POV's. My aunt did not forget, she prefers the fancier chocolate (apparently the special dark she snuck in last year is no longer good enough, that is what I bought her). She took the offending items to her car last night after they were discovered. Her and my mom are on a field trip today to visit some friends, I will talk to hubby when he gets up. If they bring home any packages I plan to search them, I won't kick her out, but she is not staying here again. Both her and my mom are the give them an inch they'll take a mile sort. I don't know what to do with my mom, she has been so good, now this.
I realize the danger was slight on the chocolate bar, it was a tree nut risk only, but she snuck it in and hid it. My mom didn't even know she had the chocolate bar. The rule was that she bring in no food, we are now accomodating my nephew's egg allergy as well as our peanut/tree nut and s
On a lighter note, onions make my aunt horrribly sick, so I put post it notes around the kitchen that said "no onion" to remind me because I chop up onion in everything. My aunt said, "well for one week it won't kill you not to have onions" funny how people are isn't it?
Live and learn, I will NOT host again.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:26am
JenniferKSwan's picture
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French onion soup for dinner tonight??
------------------
Mommy to Aiden 1/26/05 PA,wheat,barley,soy,egg and others yet to be discovered DS#2 is due July 15, 2006 who we hope will be AF

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:47am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Good one Jennifer, I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks this way.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:55am
SpudBerry's picture
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Joined: 07/23/2002 - 09:00

The only thing I can think to add to the rest of the comments - is to remind them, that you are doing this for the safety and sanity of your child. That your child deserves to feel safe in his own home. That is the reason for the rule - it's not just some crazy "rule" you've decided to impose on your family members.
I might even have this conversation around ds depending on his age. Maybe a good dose of old fashioned guilt might smack some sense into them?
And I would definitely remind them how they would feel if their contraband caused a life threatening reaction. Would their childish prank really be worth risking their grandson/grandnephew's life. Because that is what it is - a childish prank to try to get around the house rules without being caught.
------------------
Sherlyn
Mom to 6.5 year old twins Ben & Mike - one PA & the other not.
Stay Informed And Peanut Free!

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 1:42am
becca's picture
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Another point is that when they force you to repeatedly address this, it is not lost on your child. My dd does not like these issues being discussed, when they involve conflict and rules being broken. Maybe you can play on that side of it. Because you do have to caution your child to be careful around an auntie who sneaks in unsafe foods. I have had to tell to ask her uncle of he has had nuts and to wash his hands and to avoid his kisses. It makes her feel a bit upset that he doesn not be more careful for her, and she loves him so. becca

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 3:16am
anonymous's picture
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Dh in support of me, does not want to kick out the aunt, but is willing to post signs and help conduct "customs" style searches at the door.
We will have a sit down with the offenders later and I'll let you all know how it goes.
Thank you all for the support.
Huge hugs to all of you!
Wendy

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 6:25am
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How much longer is the aunt visiting? If it's only another day or two, let her stay, but do speak to her and do those searches. But if it is longer, it seems to me she will likely find some way to sneak more stuff in.
I do agree that if it is may contains, you shouldn't flip out over his safety. But you have every right to be irate over the rule breaking, and have every reason to expect that the next time it could be worse. So don't let there be a next time. When she wants to visit again, explain why she will never be allowed to stay with you again. And if she fusses over it, remind her that she is the one who thinks chocolate is more important than your son's life.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 7:27am
MimiM's picture
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Joined: 10/10/2003 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by JenniferKSwan:
[b]French onion soup for dinner tonight??
[/b]
How about frying up one of those "bloomin' onions" tonight? Serve it with a little onion sauce. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/cool.gif[/img]

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 10:37am
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Well, the Aunt was gone all day, came back at 5 pm tonite, walked in the door, shook a Wal-Mart bag at me and said "It's a cell phone, no nuts!", which I thought was kind of snotty, but I let it slide and told her DH and I wanted to talk with her and my mom tomorrow around 10 am. So she says "Am I in trouble?" I explained that we wanted to talk because everyone agreed to the rules ahead of time, then she got argumentative saying there were no warnings on the packages, yet refused to get them out of her car so I could show her where to look. She then packed and went to the motel down the road.
She has not once apologized, claims it was innocent, then it's everybody's fault but hers.
We will see if she actually comes to talk to my dh in the morning like she told my mom she would. I'll be interested to see if she's as snide with him as she was with me.
I have to say I'm stunned, I just can't imagine what people are thinking sometimes. I had one simple rule, no outside food, and for one week as a guest in our home she refused to honor that, then becomes rude when caught.
I can at least say I did all I could, and I'm grateful I bit my tongue and was respectful. I still feel bad though, what a rotten position to put someone in.
I'll have to wait and see what transpires tomorrow.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 11:10am
VariegatedRB's picture
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Joined: 11/23/2005 - 09:00

Don't feel bad. You have not done ANYTHING wrong.
You have been patient. You have been fair.
You allowed her to come back after she messed up last year... and she messed up again!
Mom knows better... but even grown-ups cave under peer pressure sometimes.
I would have been lenient had the rule been "no food that has nuts or has a may contain warning" and she claimed to miss the warning...
BUT the rule was NO FOOD- so it matters not one bit whether or not there was a warning on the label. The rule was clear, she chose to break it.
She CHOSE to break the (clear, simple) rule (again); therefore, SHE CHOSE not to be invited back!
She is a difficult person. She is the one with the problem.
I have dealt with some aunts like that (not over PA issues), too. You just have to learn to shake it off. You gave her a chance- she blew it. Be nice to her, but don't trust her!
Tara P

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:26pm
smooneyh's picture
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Joined: 10/27/2005 - 09:00

I think that some one should fill that Walmart bag full of onions and whop her a good one when she's sleeping! All kidding aside, Auntie is an adult and made the decision on her own to bring food into the home. Safe food or not it was prearranged and she decided not to follow the rules. Time for some Natural Consiquences.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 12:33pm
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

For those that don't know, smooneyh has been a huge support for me through this, and had auntie come home and shook that Wal-mart bag at me in front of her, I'd be on here trying to raise bail money for my dear, incarcerated friend.
My only regret is that it is not dog show weekend at the local motel where auntie has gone.
Thanks to all for the support.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 2:57pm
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

No jury in the world would convict her.
I think that as long as you and your DH continue to be firm and respectful, there is NO WAY that this passive-aggressive twit is going to come away from this having painted you as nut-jobs.
I for one feel (as I'm [i]just sure you do too[/i]) sooooooo [i]pleased[/i] that she has found an arrangement which is going to work better for everyone. I'd tell her that. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
{{{hugs}}} to you and to your DH for being so great about all of this.

Posted on: Thu, 06/29/2006 - 9:47pm
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Quote:Originally posted by hblmom:
[b] what a rotten position to put someone in.
[/b]
I agree. She put you in a rotten position. I think she knew it too, and tried to use it. It is terrible for a guest to put a host in a position where they have to choose between their family's safety and being a "good host." You made the right choice.
Edited for spelling.
[This message has been edited by Jimmy's mom (edited June 30, 2006).]

Posted on: Fri, 06/30/2006 - 1:37am
JenniferKSwan's picture
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Joined: 06/19/2006 - 09:00

I have a friend that literally survives on PB&J sandwiches (I promise, I'm not exaggerating this). On previous visits, our first stop after picking her up from the airport was to pick up her PB, jelly, water and snacks (she is diabetic and prefers to have her food available to keep her sugar at a good level). She is also a very picky eater, so if she doesn't like what I have made, she will make her faithful sandwhich.
I thought for sure she was going to be a problem since her visit was scheduled 2 weeks after my son was diagnosed. That was so not the case. She was actually more dilligent than I was at the time (I was still in the overwhelmed state). We made the same stop and she picked up other safe foods for herself, making sure to read all labels and avoiding anythign that was even processed with nuts. We had planned to visit her parents for a few days in NC. She called her parents as soon as she heard about Aiden's diagnosis and made sure that her parents put up all nut products and were aware of all of his allergies. She even did some research about his other allergies and told us we were going shopping to see the options. Well our local healthfood store (farmer's market really) had an extensive selection of wheat, egg, soy free products. Okay, so I was feeling like this was doable - until she pointed out that it was next to a make your own nut butter bar and would it be cross contaminated? (That's another argument I have altogether, like why wheat free breads which are made for those with allergies are processed on contaminated lines?)
When she left I thanked her for everything - especially about giving up peanut butter for the week. She said not to even think about it "I can survive a week without nuts, you can't survive without Aiden for a lifetime!" Whenever I hear someone complaining about the "Sacrifice" they have to make for my child, I think about that one comment and it allows me the strength to go on.
------------------
Mommy to Aiden 1/26/05 PA,wheat,barley,soy,egg and others yet to be discovered DS#2 is due July 15, 2006 who we hope will be AF

Posted on: Mon, 07/03/2006 - 7:21am
cjanitz's picture
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Joined: 07/03/2006 - 09:00

I totally understand your frustration! As parents of PA kids we are constantly on "alert" for the safety of our kids. For my own sanity our home is completely peanut free. We don't have any peanut products or "may contains" products. I need our home to be a safe haven for my PA son and for me. For your guests to violate your safe haven is inconsiderate and rude. How you wish to handle that is completely your call.............the mother bear in all of us would like to drop kick them to the curb..............but maybe a more tactful approach is to sit them down and explain to them the severity of ds's allergy (again) only this time make them watch the instructional video on how to administer an epi-pen or if you don't have one, instruct them yourself....tell them that your house rule is that everyone under your roof needs to know how to administer this pen in case ds needs it..................maybe then they'll get it. Good luck and let us know how it goes [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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