What to say to dd when grandpa orders peanuts

Posted on: Fri, 07/16/2004 - 1:55pm
Carefulmom's picture
Joined: 01/03/2002 - 09:00

I know people have posted about what to do at a family gathering when the peanuts show up and whether to stay or go, but that is not an issue for me---it is more of what to tell dd who is 9 when her grandpa cares more about eating a mudpie (which has peanuts) than having her there. Our relatives were visiting from 400 miles away. We see them about once a year. Grandpa lives 7 miles away. We see him a few times a year, because he is often mean to dd, so I figure it is not in her best interest to see him. Well, I really like the aunt and uncle visiting from 400 miles away. So my dad called two weeks ago, and said they were coming to town and could we go out to dinner with them on July 16 which is today. I said yes. I figured the peanuts would not be an issue. Dd has been allergic to peanuts since age 5, so now she is 9, this is old news. We had an entire conversation about a week ago, and he made the reservation at a steak house instead of a Chinese restaurant--he asked which I prefer, and I said steak house is better because at a Chinese restaurant I have to ask people not to order peanuts, whereas at the steak house, probably the types of steaks won`t have peanuts. We had an entire conversation about this, and he was fine with the steak house. It is a restuarant he really likes. So we all eat, and then it is time for dessert. The menu included spumoni or some other kinds of ice cream. My sister asked if the spumoni had peanuts. The waitress said it is either nuts or peanuts she is not sure which. So my sister got a different kind of ice cream. Then my dad orders a mud pie basically for everyone to share (mud pies are huge and we are healthy eaters---we all usually split maybe two desserts for 6 of us). So I said to the waitress does that have peanuts. She said yes. So I said we were leaving. I expected my dad to say never mind he would get something else, but he did not. My aunt offerred to have something else, but that was not going to solve it. I did not want to have a big scene in front of dd and make her feel bad, so I said it is late, we should really go anyhow. But actually we would not have left, because we only see my aunt and uncle once a year, and it was not that late. When your pa child is a toddler, at least they are not that aware of the fact that you have to leave because grandpa has to have a mudpie with peanuts. Just wondering what exactly to say to dd? I was so taken back by this and caught off guard. I know some people are caught off guard when the peanuts show up at a family event, and they stay. No way was I staying, especially because my aunt loves to kiss dd, and besides with a bunch of people passing around this mudpie, who knows if it will spill, it is being passed around dd--no way were we staying. It just makes me wonder when they come to town again in a year, and my dad invites us to dinner, it is almost like why go if we will have to leave. I really did not say anything about it to dd in the car, because I really did not know what to say. Obviously at 9 she is old enough to get what is going on. It was obvious we left very abruptly. What would you say to your child about this?

Posted on: Fri, 07/16/2004 - 3:01pm
Mom2Sariah's picture
Joined: 12/14/2003 - 09:00

I would just be honest with her about why you left and remind her of the safe things we all need to do to keep safe. I think she would be able to understand that and be able to accept it for what it is. It won't be the only person she'll have to deal with that has that attitude unfortunately.

Posted on: Fri, 07/16/2004 - 6:51pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

I agree with Cindy above. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] I would explain that you left because Grandpa (and it sounds as though it's your Father) ordered something with peanuts and you didn't feel comfortable staying because everyone was going to be sharing the dessert (not including your immediate family).
As to why Grandpa chose (and choice is the operative word) to order a peanut product when yes, he knows that his Granddaughter is allergic, I'd even be honest with that.
Either some people don't think about your allergy, some people don't understand your allergy as well as we do (even if they are family) or to some people food is really important (whatever it is you think the reason is).
You mentioned that you don't see your Father that often because he is often mean to your daughter? Not allergy wise? How so?
Did your Father realize why you were leaving? Did he say anything? Is he likely to?
How very sad. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Fri, 07/16/2004 - 11:23pm
Renee111064's picture
Joined: 07/05/2001 - 09:00

Careful mom,
I'm am sorry that you had to leave the restaurant so early. If your daughter asks, then and only then would I explain to her why you all had left. If she did not ask then I would drop it for now.
Is it possible for the next time you Aunt and Uncle come in that you could host them in your home for dinner. If you plan the meal and desserts then you can control the situation a better and would not have to worry.
This is just a thought.
best wishes,

Posted on: Sat, 07/17/2004 - 7:08am
Cindia's picture
Joined: 06/05/2001 - 09:00

Hello Carefulmom,
I hate situations like this! When my sister had a Christmas party, I found that she had put a bowl of peanuts on the buffet table. I picked it up and threw it in the outside trash-can. Then, I told her I did not feel comfortable with peanuts being served.
I think, perhaps, in your situation, given the past behavior of the Grandpa, next time *point-blank ask him* not to order the offending dish and tell him why. Also, tell him that the direct action of him ordering this peanut-laden dish will result in you having to leave. The other relatives may be able to chime in and help the situation. Lay it out that you are having a good time enjoying everyone's company but that his actions will make it unsafe for you and your family and you will be forced to leave.
Just my thoughts on this,
[This message has been edited by Cindia (edited July 17, 2004).]


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