what to do

Posted on: Fri, 03/22/2002 - 2:11am
Connielynn's picture
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Joined: 08/27/2002 - 09:00

I feel like I am at my wits end! My family takes Jasmines alletgies very seriously. My inlaws, don't understand. Jasmine is 11, we hs. She can't go into the prodce section because the smell will send her to the hospital. She wanted to go to the movie this weekend but they have peanut candy there so we can't go. I feel so bad for this little girl.
Some women from church asked me to write a letter to everyone and put it in thier mailboxes. I did. I wrote a nice letter from Jasmine's point of view. The people that understand thought it was great. When we had practice for the Christmas program we had to leave because people sent pb sandwiches. Jasmine did not get to attend Bible school because the person in charge would not work with me. Last sunday we left church very early because there were pb cookies, cakes with walnuts, ect. One woman was going to put cashews in a casserole and got upset with me when I asked her not to! She said it was a new recipe that she wanted to try. She is a lab tech at a clinc!

Jasmine almost didn't get Christmas dinner because my in laws forgot they had a can of nuts and my brother in law was eating them. He didn't know she was allergic. Thats not my fault! He moved accross the country and will not stay in contact with us. Why my father in law hasn't said anything to him I don't know. Jasmine is in the ER about every six weeks. We live 30 miles from the hospital. So she gets a ride in the ambulance.
Connie

Posted on: Fri, 03/22/2002 - 3:53am
smack's picture
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Joined: 11/14/2001 - 09:00

Connie,
You sound so desperate.
I'm very sympathetic to your situation.
Why is Jasmine going to the hospital every 6 weeks?(from reactions?)Does she have asthma?
If you like your church, stand up and make some changes. If the people in charge of something like Sunday school, bible-school, are not being considerate then they should have their positions revoked. God wouldn't appreciate one teaching his children if they lack love and understanding.
Hang in there Connie, just do the best you can...smile and enjoy life to the fullest, how you shine through in all of your tribulations will reflect someday in how Jasmine deals with life's perils.

Posted on: Fri, 03/22/2002 - 7:32am
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I have to just reiterate smack's concerns- you sound like you are really reaching the end of your rope! I hope that this is a temporary "low" for you- and trust me when I say we've all been there.
Look through your child's week (and ask for HER input- she's old enough): pick three battles to fight with her, and enlist some help from your physicians (ER doctors and EMTs if necessary) and from supportive members of your church.
Maybe the movie theater, for example, would be willing to remove overtly dangerous candies... not that Jasmine would be able to eat anything (of course) but maybe she could actually go to see a movie. (We fought and won this battle with our local library- which is now relatively safe.)
It sort of sounds like a lot of people at your church are being distinctly (well, how do I put this tactfully?) "un-Christian"...is it possible to find a more supportive environment? (I understand if you feel you cannot- just offering some ideas.) So many churches are so welcoming this time of year in particular, though... it might be worth looking.
I agree that it sounds as though your daughter's allergic problems are really affecting her quality of life (and yours). Have you talked to your physician about this particular issue? It sounds like you could use some help coping with some of this. Maybe your physician has some ideas about managing other allergy issues better.... (we've noticed a definite increase in sensitivity during pollen season for our daughter's PA, so it doesn't always have to be just the PA at work.) or perhaps he/she knows someone to ask about this. What seems to be precipitating your daughter's reactions? Are they happening in your home? At the home of a friend? At a local park? (I sympathize completely with your grocery experience, by the way- my daughter doesn't ever go to ours any more either.)
It really sounds like you are trying very hard to keep your daughter both safe and happy. I hope that this Easter will bring a fresh start for your family, Connielyn.

Posted on: Fri, 03/22/2002 - 9:35am
momjd's picture
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Joined: 02/24/2002 - 09:00

God is where ever you are, don't be afraid to take your child away from a dangerous environment.
Maybe you could rent a video that she had been wanting to see for a long time and make it a "special" viewing- fix favorites foods and move your furniture around so it's like a theater- make it as fun as possible.
Also, check with her and find out what things are really important to her- does she care if she can't go to Bible School? Would she still want to go to the movie if it meant a trip to the hospital? She's reaching that age where she can help you to decide what's worth fighting for and what isn't. Maybe talking it out will help both of you to reach an understanding.
Try to relax and remember that you've made it this far.

Posted on: Sat, 03/23/2002 - 1:28am
Connielynn's picture
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Joined: 08/27/2002 - 09:00

Thank you all for your support! Monday I am taking all three kids to the allergist. I plan to have a long chat with him. He is a great doctor so we will work something out.
As for church, there were plenty of comments made last Sunday. Maybe we need to educate some people. As for Bible School, I have been thinking, I am going to offer to be in charge of snacks and the kitchen. Just so Jasmine can attend. I plan to say like that. I am doing this for my daughter.
I told Jasmine that we would get to see the movie as soon as it comes out in video.
The reason she is at the ER is because of reactions. I am upset because someone goofed up at SS and we are losing our Medicaid. I plan to talk to the doctor about that too.
I let Jasmine post yesterday about Pillsbury. Check out that thread, it is funny.
Connie

Posted on: Sun, 03/24/2002 - 6:14am
Connielynn's picture
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Joined: 08/27/2002 - 09:00

I am now in charge of snacks and the church kitchen durning Bible School! I haven't quite figured out how to handle the sack lunch the last day. If needed I will provide the meal. That sounds like a good idea! I am going to start getting videos for Jasmine to watch. I was going to talke to the theater but they use sunflower oil in the popcorn machine. Only one person said something about last Sunday today at church. I really think the people that understand are embarrassed. I will find out more Tuesday night at womens group.
I also emailed the newspaper today. Asking if they would like a good story. They are a 'large' newspaper here in the boonies. They can be picky. I guess I will email a larger newspaper that can be easier to get along with.
Thanks
Connielynn

Posted on: Sat, 12/22/2007 - 10:11pm
maphiemom's picture
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Joined: 12/01/2005 - 09:00

I am so sorry you had to go through that , people choose food over safety all the time, mind boggling isn't it. I think the turning point for our family was seeing time after time me not letting my DD eat things, like an Italian Christmas cake my MIL ran by the Italian speaking neighbour to see if it had nuts, I said no way that doesn't make me feel any better, I always am extra cautious, I explain how important it is to prevent small reaction that can lead to a catastrophic reaction.Taking away popsicles out of my child's hand , showing may contain nuts to my MIL, my DD is severely allergic to peanuts/nuts , they go hand in hand as far as danger to my child.
A real turning point was bein gout to dinner with the inlaws and my daughter had a cross contamination reaction in an instant , from the bar tender preparing our drinks where there were peanuts behind the bar.It has taken years to get through to our family just how careful we have to be.
And yes you can tell people if they make a casserole or a cake with nuts that it's not ok to choose food over your child's life is a strong statement .
I really think that people confuse diabetes and peanut allergies, a little sugar is managable a little nut or peanut can be lethal , not the same.

Posted on: Sun, 12/23/2007 - 9:30am
DinaT's picture
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Joined: 02/21/2006 - 09:00

I have family members who care and who go out of their way to ensure that all the foods served are free from not only nuts, but also trace amounts -- they will call manufacturers as well. I also have family members who could care less, and don't believe that the allergy is real. I simply refuse to go to the homes of the ones who can't make a few simple changes for one day out of their lives. It just isn't worth it for my son's safety. While your little one is young and he can't understand why he cannot grab xyz and eat it, you have to follow him around like a hawk, and it is too much for you!! When he's older and understands, then it's a different story. After you stop going to their house, maybe then they'll get it.

Posted on: Mon, 12/24/2007 - 7:43am
Mrsdocrse's picture
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Joined: 01/16/2007 - 09:00

Sorry about your experience... Maybe the next time you have a party you can post something onthe door when they walk in to remind them of they have had peanuts ect today wash-up before greeting your son ect.. or maybe onthe invites please remind guests that you have a peanut free house.
It makes it hard when they are really little. you do have to watch them like hawk.... When my son was really little I chose not to go to someof those things that I really wasn't comfortable with.
Therese

Posted on: Wed, 12/26/2007 - 1:46pm
TJuliebeth's picture
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Joined: 03/30/2005 - 09:00

You simply told your aunt the truth...if there were peanuts, your son wouldn't be there...that's not telling her what to bring. I guess you could leave the decision up to your MIL...it's her grandson or the peanuts...I also suggest letting your husband deal with his mother as much as possible...that way you won't be blamed for coming between them...and if she won't budge, maybe your husband can go alone...
BTW, I don't think you're being over cautious...You are the parents and have to do whats best for your child...Your decisions should be respected. Its such a shame when family members don't get it.

Posted on: Thu, 12/27/2007 - 3:17pm
Tiggermom's picture
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Joined: 10/09/2007 - 12:42

Well we made it past Christmas but it was not easy. When we went to MIL & FIL house to exchange gifts everything seemed fine until we were about to leave and MIL found a bag that had not been opened. When she asked what was in it SIL gave her a look that made her shut up. When FIL asked she whispered "PB cookies for Casey" (their dog that they adore). My son played around that bag of cookies for an hour. It was wrapped just like a present and was set on the floor! I was surprised SIL would do that and MIL would try to hide it. We left and I told DH that we would not be coming back. I hate it for DH but I love DS and it is just not worth it.
I spoke with everyone about what they were bringing to the family Christmas party that same night and everyone agreed that they would cook safe food. When we got there all of the food looked safe but I only let DS eat the food I made and I stayed with him every second of the night. MIL asked at one point if DD could have a cupcake and told me that it had no nuts in it(which she had no clue if it did when I asked how she knew). I agreed (she has no allergies)but told MIL to help her wash her hands with soap and warm water afterwards. I always make DD wash her hands if I do not know what is in the food that she eats, just to be safe. When I walked out of the room MIL told DD that she better go brush her teeth too so that DS wouldnt smell the food on her breath, just in case and then laughed about it, along with everyone else. They were making fun of his allergy! I find that very disturbing. At the same time DH found Chex mix with peanuts in the kitchen with the rest of the desserts so we left. The person who brought the mix was the aunt that agreed not to bring the other nuts. Go figure. DH and I normaly make all of our decisions together but I told DH that we would not be spending any more time with his family. We all are members of the same church and set together every Sunday but that will be the only time that we see them.
I would love for DH to take care of MIL for me but DH will not stand up to his mother because she is mean. She will chew you out for saying something that she does not agree with. Everyone, including FIL walks on egg shells around her. I have put up with MIL for the past ten years and at this point I have no problem if she blames me for coming between them. She just puts him in a bad mood anyway.

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