Wedding Dilemma

Posted on: Wed, 08/20/2003 - 12:32am
Linda-Jo's picture
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Joined: 07/30/1999 - 09:00

My PA/TNA dd was asked to be a flower girl in my DH's niece's wedding. She is so excited.

As the date draws near, we have several concerns. The wedding is in New Jersey (we are in Boston). The bride knows about dd's allergy and what does she order for the main meal? Pistachio stuffed chicken breast! She offered to have the chef make something simple like spaghetti for my dd. After telling her all my concerns about cross-contamination, the chef told her he would rather we bring our own food in for her. But, my concern there is that everyone will be eating nuts, and I don't want her around in that environment. We opted to go out to a safe restaurant for our dinner and return later. She'll still be at the ceremony and for pics, then we would leave during dinner.

I am so frustrated I don't want to go anymore. Unfortunately, it's too late to back out now. We are concerned with the remainder of the reception. What about the cake? I am certainly not going to let her eat that either. Has anyone had any experiences regarding a wedding? Did you bring in your own snacks/safe foods for your child? When it comes to the cake, did you bring a piece of your own or something like that? We are trying to be as discreet as possible and not cause any disturbances.

I appreciate any suggestions you may have. I should have said "no" at the beginning, but I thought since it was family, (my DH's brother, and he's a dr.!) they would be receptive to it all. Boy, was I wrong. Then again, I don't expect them to accomodate just one little girl, but seeing as we are close family, I thought they would at least consider it. Even after knowing that we would be leaving for dinner, at least have something that didn't contain nuts. I am very disappointed.

Thanks you for any suggestions you may have to offer.

Posted on: Wed, 08/20/2003 - 12:41am
MommaBear's picture
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by Linda-Jo:
[b] The bride knows about dd's allergy and what does she order for the main meal? Pistachio stuffed chicken breast! [/b]
.....[i]MWARRRRRRRRF!!!![/i] What ever happened to Prime Rib? Lemon Chicken? Fish even? [i]Family Style[/i]?????? People really feel the need to make a [i]statement[/i] with their menu choices, I assume.
Sorry I can't offer any other comments as I don't know certain details (situation and relationship you have with the bride and groom). I am assuming your daughter is allergic to Pistachio?

Posted on: Wed, 08/20/2003 - 12:55am
steph626's picture
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Joined: 02/20/2003 - 09:00

i am an adult with pa/tna and have dealt with the wedding reception issue many times. what i've found is that when it comes to planning weddings, all common sense goes out the window. and i mean that in the nicest possible way!! :-) your relatives may be the most caring and aware people when it comes to your daughter's allergies, but unfortunately their heads are clouded with matrimonial mania. honestly, the only wedding reception i've actually eaten at was my own. don't take it personally--i have done so in the past and have just come out exhausted. just do the best you can and do what you need to do to be comfortable with food. no one will be offended, nor will they remember any of it. :-) bring your own food or even skip the reception (at least the part with food). if anyone does give you a hard time about doing so, ask if they'd rather have an ambulance blocking the limo in the driveway!!
[This message has been edited by steph626 (edited August 20, 2003).]

Posted on: Wed, 08/20/2003 - 1:05am
saknjmom's picture
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Joined: 04/02/2003 - 09:00

I have learned that even with family members, i have to remind them when we are invited to a family function about my son's allergy. i verify that there will be no nuts sitting around in bowls, no nuts in any food served etc.
The response that spaghetti could be made demonstrates that the bride to be and the chef do not understand the implications of cross contamination, contact or airborne problems.
Quite honestly, i would ask myself the following: Am I going to be able to relax and enjoy myself? Am I going to be a nervous wreck? If so, what is the sense in putting yourself through this?
Maybe you could attend the wedding and bag the reception? This way your daughter would have the opportunity to be a flower girl and stay safe.

Posted on: Wed, 08/20/2003 - 1:34am
CarsonsMom's picture
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Joined: 02/11/2001 - 09:00

my son who is allergic to peanuts and eggs was just in a wedding this past june. we brought his food and had them warm it up for us in the microwave. we also brought snacks. he had a great time, there were other kids there so he was dancing up a storm. i would however be concerned if they had served something with nuts. that's a tough one.

Posted on: Wed, 08/20/2003 - 3:29am
blair's picture
blair (not verified)

We bring son's foods. He went to my nieces Wedding- my sister tried to have it free of his allergen to be around- ( ie cold shellfish items, no peanuts on menu) However the grooms side who are wonderful people and ment no harm ended up with sealed peanut bags inthe gift bag.... I didn't get to go to Wedding re my own allergic reaction( skin severe hives siince 8/4 which has been determinedto have been from a drug(still uncertaion which one) Anyway if I'd been there I would have had safe treats in purse for food allergic 13 yr old. He had it in car and hotel but not with him while others were munching at the reception- left him not much to do.... Husband has CP and can't carry food on little plates/ not denough tables to sit so he didn't get much to eat either-- so once back at hotel he grabs bag of nuts leaves and eats it away from son-- hopefully he brushed his teeth- as least son didn't have a reaction.-- he basically had some fun and Wedding-- I know if would have been more pleasant had i been there to hep family with their issues. oldest son had the most fun cause he could eat anything, dance, and decline going thoooogh looong line to get his Dad food- most likely DH wouldn't had stood by with hiim in long line either to dercect what he wanted.

Posted on: Wed, 08/20/2003 - 8:04am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

We had a family wedding(dh's brother) last summer. We called ahead to simply ask if there were any plans to have bowls of nuts out or similar items, just to be ready. I generally go and decide if I will need to leave a place, but try to go with a mindset we will try to manage, and not hesitate to leave if it is too nervewracking.
We always bring dd's own food to every meal we go to, as a guest, in a home, at a function, and in a restaurant. We bring a cupcake if there will be cake, and generally are always armed with a bag of skittles or some such safe candy item.
The other thing I did for this wedding, since it was in the middle of nowhere at a family home, was to find out where the nearest hospital was and sort of have a feel for the route(though relatives there would know where it was).
Now, the real issue is if you can be comfortable there with pistachios in every meal. Kind of strange, really since there are alot of folks who simply do not like nuts! Dd would not go to that if it were us, but she is TNA, and only 3 and just too hard to keep people from kissing, hugging and touching in dh's family. It is enough of a nightmare at Christmas when everything is safe until the cookies come out! It is so nerve wracking and tense to be in a party with a plate or two full of unsafe treats, I cannot imagine the entire meal. I agree with those suggesting doing the ceremony, and maybe returning to the reception for the dancing after all the food is cleaned up. Then watch your dd closely and be sure she has no reactions to traces. becca
[This message has been edited by becca (edited August 20, 2003).]

Posted on: Thu, 08/21/2003 - 7:12am
Linda-Jo's picture
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Joined: 07/30/1999 - 09:00

I just typed this rather long response, and the "dang" 'puter shut down on me! Geesh, I'm going to try to remember it all!
Thank you for all your suggestions. We've decided to have her take part in everything but the dinner and food. It's hard to skip everything, as we will be traveling from Boston,MA to New Jersey. We just might leave early! We will be leaving for the dinner part and going out for our own food and then returning later. I will be bringing every snack she can have from home, i just might even bring in a cooler to the reception just for her to know she can pick anything "safe" from that one spot! If no one approves (which I doubt), I'll just use Steph626's comment about the "ambulance blocking the driveway"! I like that, thanks steph!
I just don't get how our friends can go out of their way to create a safe environment when inviting my daughter to their house and my own family (or DH's) cannot do the same! And my brother-in-law is a doctor too! He knows the severity of this. He's been with us out to eat and has seen us either pass up restaurants or drill the staff about the ingredients. That's where I'm disappointed. I know it's his daughter's wedding, but I think he should of said something. Maybe I'm wrong to think that. I guess I should be thankful that she at least checked if they could make something else for her!!
I also think that by having a pistachio stuffed chicken breast entree, the bride runs the risk of a guest having an allergy that might be unknown to her. In this day and age, people should think twice about what they serve at functions, as so many people have food allergies. Especially knowing that a guest has a known one!
Mommabear--you are right! What happened to "prime rib"! Just keep things simple. I'll bet it would've been less expensive too!
Blair--hope your hives are getting better and you found the cause of it all. Thank you for your suggestions. I'm going to focus on having fun at the wedding and not on the food part. We will be watching her like a hawk tho.
Becca--thanks for the tip on finding the nearest hospital. We will be at Princeton University. I will check to see where the closest is. Having my brother-in-law being there as a doctor is somewhat comforting. Although, I'm not too fond of his decisions about the food at this time! My dd is 8 and knows her limitations to some degree. She knows that she can't eat anything there to stay safe.
Well, just a few more weeks and it will all be over. I'll let everyone know how it turns out! Thanks again, everyone!!
Linda-Jo

Posted on: Thu, 08/21/2003 - 9:41am
JudyDoherty's picture
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Joined: 09/19/2001 - 09:00

Just my two cents worth -
I would be inclined to do two things:
1) scrap the wedding and spend the money on something your daughter will enjoy - you will be so much happier with this memory.
2) go to the wedding long enough to do the flower girl thing and then leave and go do something fun.
I have learned that you cannot control what other people do but you can control what you do. There are so many things to make a peanut kid unhappy and while we all want them to mainstream as much as possible there comes a time when you have to be selfish for them and say my kid first.
Good luck,
Judy

Posted on: Thu, 08/21/2003 - 10:55am
MommaBear's picture
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by JudyDoherty:
[b]
I have learned that you cannot control what other people do but you can control what you do. There are so many things to make a peanut kid unhappy and while we all want them to mainstream as much as possible there comes a time when you have to be selfish for them and say my kid first.
[/b]
In part, why we homeschool.

Posted on: Thu, 08/21/2003 - 2:16pm
Linda-Jo's picture
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Joined: 07/30/1999 - 09:00

Judy,
That's a good idea too. She is really looking forward to attending the wedding. She's never been to one. We've declared the wedding day "Megan's Day"! We are going to make her feel really special, all dressed up. I'm even going to bring in a safe cake for her to eat! We also are planning to take her to Sesame Place sometime during the weekend. We hope everything will work out.

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