Very upset with in-laws!!

Posted on: Sat, 04/26/2003 - 12:19pm
mom2cuties's picture
Joined: 02/21/2002 - 09:00

We were visiting my BIL tonight and while we were there he took out a Oh Henry Bar and ate it right in front of our dd!! [img][/img]

I could not believe this because he is the one in the family who is so protective over her because of her pa. Now I am wondering if maybe he thinks we are making this whole thing up because as we were leaving he reached over to give her a kiss and I grabbed her away from him explaning this whole pa thing over to him again.

I was very upset and still am even with dh that his brother could do such a thing(even though I know it's not dh's fault).

I just had to express my frustrations here tonight and any support would be greatly appreciated.
Mom of 2 cuties...3 yr old daughter who has peanut allergy and 7 yr old son who has no allergies.

[This message has been edited by mom2cuties (edited April 26, 2003).]

Posted on: Sat, 04/26/2003 - 3:29pm
katjam's picture
Joined: 03/29/2003 - 09:00

I was sorry to hear about this. I really think that (with a few big exceptions) it takes living this life to really understand all of the ramifications. We have had so many incidents over the last three years where it's clear the message just isn't being received by the people who love us the most. I remind myself that my own learning curve was slower than it should have been regarding my own ds! We were lucky, and he has had no major incidents since the first, but there could have been.
The bottom line for me is that we rely on our inner circle to keep ds and dd safe, hope for the best and expect the worst from others. Does that sound terrible? It probably does, but that's our "security perimeter". Hope you feel better, and that you have another LONG talk with the relations.
Take care!

Posted on: Fri, 05/02/2003 - 12:32am
mom2cuties's picture
Joined: 02/21/2002 - 09:00

Thanks Sally for responding to my post. I was very hurt over this situation thinking that maybe some relatives just don't want to *get it*.
I have not spoken to BIL since this happened (I think I needed time to cool down [img][/img] ) I am going to have a talk with everyone regarding her allergy this weekend.
Wish me luck!

Posted on: Fri, 05/02/2003 - 1:20am
Gail W's picture
Joined: 12/06/2001 - 09:00

Yep, I think there is defintiely a "learning curve" w/ PA. I mean, how many times has [i]this [/i] happened to you after you've [b]already[/b] explained PA, the whole ingredient label reading, the cross-contamination concerns, yah-da, yah-da, yah-da to someone who later then says:
"Oh, that's right. She's allergic to peanuts. Right?" (Very proud that they remembered this fact about your child...)
"Can she have this cookie?"
"What is it?"
"Peanut butter."
[img][/img] You gotta keep at it. "Say it ten times, ten different ways" is one good strategy.

Posted on: Fri, 05/02/2003 - 2:15am
mom2cuties's picture
Joined: 02/21/2002 - 09:00

Gail, you made me chuckle when I read your post! [img][/img]
All I could think about as I was reading it was the numerous times that someone has asked (after being told dd was allergic to peanuts) if she could have a certain cookie, that contains peanut butter!!! HELLO!! Where the heck do you think peanut butter comes from, watermelons! [img][/img]
Why is it that some people actually think that peanuts are the only things pa individuals should avoid?

Posted on: Fri, 05/02/2003 - 2:51am
Peg541's picture
Joined: 12/29/2002 - 09:00

Somehow you gotta wonder about an adult who would eat a candy bar in front of young children, allergies or not.
Was he prepared to share with them? Did he ask permission?
Why couldn't he just wait to eat the candy bar when the kids were gone.
Don't try to understand a fool. Keep the kids away from them, family or not. When I look back on my history with my mother, I wish I had stopped trying. She was never going to change. I should have taken myself away from her years ago!
Family is not family if they are harmful to you or your children. Get rid of the bum.

Posted on: Fri, 05/02/2003 - 7:34am
cathlina's picture
Joined: 06/29/2001 - 09:00

Just a suggestion...but carry pics of what your child looks like when they have an allergy reaction and then pull them out when somebody does something stupid....
I probably would have gotten very uncivilized about the whole thing...

Posted on: Sat, 05/03/2003 - 12:55am
Going Nuts's picture
Joined: 10/04/2001 - 09:00

Gail, your post made me howl with laughter as it reminded me of an exchange with my in laws when my elder son was little and allergic to milk.
"So, he's allergic to dairy. Can he have this vanilla ice cream?"
"How about some cheese?"
"Oh, I know, how about if we take him out for a milk shake?"
(Voice inside my head, screaming) "Which part of M-I-L-K didn't you understand?"
I think we have to cut those who don't live with it day in day out some slack, as the whole thing really is mind-boggling. However, if after repeated, frank discussions there is no understanding taking place then I think Peg has the right idea.
Some people have different learning styles, so the photo idea might work - some people have to "see" it to get it. What finally got through to my MIL was seeing Kevin covered in hives from head to toe after touching a table where PB had been eaten five hours earlier. She hasn't questioned it since.

Posted on: Sat, 05/03/2003 - 10:38am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

mom2cuties, I think what's probably most upsetting to you (aside from the potential danger your child was in) was that it was FAMILY that didn't "get it". We have such a difficult time in life, sometimes, with people not "getting it" and somehow expect that family, because they're family, will take the time and make the effort to "get it".
Yet, time and time again on this board, I read about people who are having the most horrendous times not with schools or neighbours or friends, but with family. It's who we least expect difficulties with/from and yet time and time again, they do seem to present us with the most problems.
I can never really give advice re family situations because I don't live near any family whatsoever. Having said that, I often wonder if PA entered my mind when I made the decision to move away from one side of the family (they are *toxic* people in other ways as well, but also weren't truly "getting it" re PA either).
I just feel really sad when I read things here about family not getting it because I know that if I did live close to family, I would be here posting the same things. And it's hard to understand.
Peg541, I really liked what you had to say. I think the biggest difficulty we have is removing *toxic* family members from our lives. I know that through my life, I have managed to remove *toxic* (and less *toxic* than current family members) friends from my life and never really look back. But family, for whatever reason, I keep trying and trying (banging that head against a brick wall thing) when you know the relationship is toxic and should be removed from your life. And I'm not even talking about for the safety of your PA child. I'm talking about just general decent human behaviour.
I also liked the idea of having pics of your child while having a reaction. I don't know if I would have the wits about me should Jesse have another reaction to actually get pictures. I truly believe that a lot of people have to witness a reaction before they "get it". Jesse's Father was in heavy denial about Jesse's PA until Jesse had the anaphylactic reaction where he almost died. Then, Dad finally "got it". Helluva thing.
Please let us know if you do end up speaking with your BIL this week-end and how it went. I can understand why you took a space of time before speaking, just so you would be more calm and collected. I'm actually afraid what would come out of my mouth when my head is exploding with the situation I'm confronted with. I'm thankful I keep it shut (for the most part), and only when my head is exploding. I do think it's important you speak with your BIL.
I'm wondering if it's possible to compliment him on how he has always been so protective re your child's PA, but then you did...... wow was I ever shocked. Something like that.
Again, please let us know how it goes.
Best wishes! [img][/img]

Posted on: Thu, 05/08/2003 - 5:00am
Gadget's picture
Joined: 10/01/2001 - 09:00

Yep, I've got a SIL that I can't believe sometimes! She is a nurse-practitioner, so you would THINK she could comprehend medical issues!! She is the ONLY family member who has "messed up" on more than one occasion. She brought Snickers bars to our house one Christmas, and just this past Easter, she put peanut butter cups in some of the eggs that we hid for the kids' egg hunt!! AND, to top it off, when I pointed out the PB cup, she acted like she didn't even know what I was talking about!!! I'm glad she will never be MY nurse-practitioner. Seems like she couldn't find her way out of a paper bag!!! She does a LOT of other annoying and dumb things, but these are the only ones that have endangered my son's life. Needless to say I keep my distance as much as possible, but since it is Dh's sister, I'm forced to see her a couple times a year. I try to find a way out every single time, though!!

Posted on: Fri, 05/09/2003 - 11:00am
virginia mom's picture
Joined: 03/12/2003 - 09:00

Two Christmases ago, my own MOTHER did not bother to tell me that the bowl of chocolate candies on her buffet were actually peanut butter chocolates. We had been at her house for two hours, with my then four year old PA daughter cruising through the dining room on more than one occasion, filling up her plate with goodies when my mom casually mentioned this fact! I gave her a copy of the PA question and answer book. It really scared the heck out of her to realize what could have happened. She is now totally on board with PA - I guess sometimes we assume that those closest to us know just as much as we do about PA - the key is "never assume"...


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