Very upset with in-laws!!

Posted on: Sat, 04/26/2003 - 12:19pm
mom2cuties's picture
Joined: 02/21/2002 - 09:00

We were visiting my BIL tonight and while we were there he took out a Oh Henry Bar and ate it right in front of our dd!! [img][/img]

I could not believe this because he is the one in the family who is so protective over her because of her pa. Now I am wondering if maybe he thinks we are making this whole thing up because as we were leaving he reached over to give her a kiss and I grabbed her away from him explaning this whole pa thing over to him again.

I was very upset and still am even with dh that his brother could do such a thing(even though I know it's not dh's fault).

I just had to express my frustrations here tonight and any support would be greatly appreciated.
Mom of 2 cuties...3 yr old daughter who has peanut allergy and 7 yr old son who has no allergies.

[This message has been edited by mom2cuties (edited April 26, 2003).]

Posted on: Sat, 04/26/2003 - 3:29pm
katjam's picture
Joined: 03/29/2003 - 09:00

I was sorry to hear about this. I really think that (with a few big exceptions) it takes living this life to really understand all of the ramifications. We have had so many incidents over the last three years where it's clear the message just isn't being received by the people who love us the most. I remind myself that my own learning curve was slower than it should have been regarding my own ds! We were lucky, and he has had no major incidents since the first, but there could have been.
The bottom line for me is that we rely on our inner circle to keep ds and dd safe, hope for the best and expect the worst from others. Does that sound terrible? It probably does, but that's our "security perimeter". Hope you feel better, and that you have another LONG talk with the relations.
Take care!

Posted on: Fri, 05/02/2003 - 12:32am
mom2cuties's picture
Joined: 02/21/2002 - 09:00

Thanks Sally for responding to my post. I was very hurt over this situation thinking that maybe some relatives just don't want to *get it*.
I have not spoken to BIL since this happened (I think I needed time to cool down [img][/img] ) I am going to have a talk with everyone regarding her allergy this weekend.
Wish me luck!

Posted on: Fri, 05/02/2003 - 1:20am
Gail W's picture
Joined: 12/06/2001 - 09:00

Yep, I think there is defintiely a "learning curve" w/ PA. I mean, how many times has [i]this [/i] happened to you after you've [b]already[/b] explained PA, the whole ingredient label reading, the cross-contamination concerns, yah-da, yah-da, yah-da to someone who later then says:
"Oh, that's right. She's allergic to peanuts. Right?" (Very proud that they remembered this fact about your child...)
"Can she have this cookie?"
"What is it?"
"Peanut butter."
[img][/img] You gotta keep at it. "Say it ten times, ten different ways" is one good strategy.

Posted on: Fri, 05/02/2003 - 2:15am
mom2cuties's picture
Joined: 02/21/2002 - 09:00

Gail, you made me chuckle when I read your post! [img][/img]
All I could think about as I was reading it was the numerous times that someone has asked (after being told dd was allergic to peanuts) if she could have a certain cookie, that contains peanut butter!!! HELLO!! Where the heck do you think peanut butter comes from, watermelons! [img][/img]
Why is it that some people actually think that peanuts are the only things pa individuals should avoid?

Posted on: Fri, 05/02/2003 - 2:51am
Peg541's picture
Joined: 12/29/2002 - 09:00

Somehow you gotta wonder about an adult who would eat a candy bar in front of young children, allergies or not.
Was he prepared to share with them? Did he ask permission?
Why couldn't he just wait to eat the candy bar when the kids were gone.
Don't try to understand a fool. Keep the kids away from them, family or not. When I look back on my history with my mother, I wish I had stopped trying. She was never going to change. I should have taken myself away from her years ago!
Family is not family if they are harmful to you or your children. Get rid of the bum.

Posted on: Fri, 05/02/2003 - 7:34am
cathlina's picture
Joined: 06/29/2001 - 09:00

Just a suggestion...but carry pics of what your child looks like when they have an allergy reaction and then pull them out when somebody does something stupid....
I probably would have gotten very uncivilized about the whole thing...

Posted on: Sat, 05/03/2003 - 12:55am
Going Nuts's picture
Joined: 10/04/2001 - 09:00

Gail, your post made me howl with laughter as it reminded me of an exchange with my in laws when my elder son was little and allergic to milk.
"So, he's allergic to dairy. Can he have this vanilla ice cream?"
"How about some cheese?"
"Oh, I know, how about if we take him out for a milk shake?"
(Voice inside my head, screaming) "Which part of M-I-L-K didn't you understand?"
I think we have to cut those who don't live with it day in day out some slack, as the whole thing really is mind-boggling. However, if after repeated, frank discussions there is no understanding taking place then I think Peg has the right idea.
Some people have different learning styles, so the photo idea might work - some people have to "see" it to get it. What finally got through to my MIL was seeing Kevin covered in hives from head to toe after touching a table where PB had been eaten five hours earlier. She hasn't questioned it since.

Posted on: Sat, 05/03/2003 - 10:38am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

mom2cuties, I think what's probably most upsetting to you (aside from the potential danger your child was in) was that it was FAMILY that didn't "get it". We have such a difficult time in life, sometimes, with people not "getting it" and somehow expect that family, because they're family, will take the time and make the effort to "get it".
Yet, time and time again on this board, I read about people who are having the most horrendous times not with schools or neighbours or friends, but with family. It's who we least expect difficulties with/from and yet time and time again, they do seem to present us with the most problems.
I can never really give advice re family situations because I don't live near any family whatsoever. Having said that, I often wonder if PA entered my mind when I made the decision to move away from one side of the family (they are *toxic* people in other ways as well, but also weren't truly "getting it" re PA either).
I just feel really sad when I read things here about family not getting it because I know that if I did live close to family, I would be here posting the same things. And it's hard to understand.
Peg541, I really liked what you had to say. I think the biggest difficulty we have is removing *toxic* family members from our lives. I know that through my life, I have managed to remove *toxic* (and less *toxic* than current family members) friends from my life and never really look back. But family, for whatever reason, I keep trying and trying (banging that head against a brick wall thing) when you know the relationship is toxic and should be removed from your life. And I'm not even talking about for the safety of your PA child. I'm talking about just general decent human behaviour.
I also liked the idea of having pics of your child while having a reaction. I don't know if I would have the wits about me should Jesse have another reaction to actually get pictures. I truly believe that a lot of people have to witness a reaction before they "get it". Jesse's Father was in heavy denial about Jesse's PA until Jesse had the anaphylactic reaction where he almost died. Then, Dad finally "got it". Helluva thing.
Please let us know if you do end up speaking with your BIL this week-end and how it went. I can understand why you took a space of time before speaking, just so you would be more calm and collected. I'm actually afraid what would come out of my mouth when my head is exploding with the situation I'm confronted with. I'm thankful I keep it shut (for the most part), and only when my head is exploding. I do think it's important you speak with your BIL.
I'm wondering if it's possible to compliment him on how he has always been so protective re your child's PA, but then you did...... wow was I ever shocked. Something like that.
Again, please let us know how it goes.
Best wishes! [img][/img]

Posted on: Thu, 05/08/2003 - 5:00am
Gadget's picture
Joined: 10/01/2001 - 09:00

Yep, I've got a SIL that I can't believe sometimes! She is a nurse-practitioner, so you would THINK she could comprehend medical issues!! She is the ONLY family member who has "messed up" on more than one occasion. She brought Snickers bars to our house one Christmas, and just this past Easter, she put peanut butter cups in some of the eggs that we hid for the kids' egg hunt!! AND, to top it off, when I pointed out the PB cup, she acted like she didn't even know what I was talking about!!! I'm glad she will never be MY nurse-practitioner. Seems like she couldn't find her way out of a paper bag!!! She does a LOT of other annoying and dumb things, but these are the only ones that have endangered my son's life. Needless to say I keep my distance as much as possible, but since it is Dh's sister, I'm forced to see her a couple times a year. I try to find a way out every single time, though!!

Posted on: Fri, 05/09/2003 - 11:00am
virginia mom's picture
Joined: 03/12/2003 - 09:00

Two Christmases ago, my own MOTHER did not bother to tell me that the bowl of chocolate candies on her buffet were actually peanut butter chocolates. We had been at her house for two hours, with my then four year old PA daughter cruising through the dining room on more than one occasion, filling up her plate with goodies when my mom casually mentioned this fact! I gave her a copy of the PA question and answer book. It really scared the heck out of her to realize what could have happened. She is now totally on board with PA - I guess sometimes we assume that those closest to us know just as much as we do about PA - the key is "never assume"...

Posted on: Fri, 05/09/2003 - 1:24pm
Connielynn's picture
Joined: 08/27/2002 - 09:00

What about giving out a doctors ER report with the picture? I so want to do this for my inlaws. It won't work so why waste my time? [img][/img]
What is the pa question and answer book? I should know but it's after 10 and my brain isn't working right. [img][/img]

Posted on: Fri, 05/09/2003 - 10:43pm
jennilee's picture
Joined: 06/18/2001 - 09:00

Last Mother's Day was spent at the inlaws. We arrived to my MIL rambling about the wonderful pavalova she had made just for me.
The heckles on my back went up instantly. Firstly my son has a very severe allergy to eggs and nuts(amongst other things), peanuts and meringue(due to the dust particles and being pure eggwhite) are number one and two on his A list of what to avoid.
She then pulled back a cloth exposing the toddler height sweets table laden with the pavalova covered with cream and chopped nuts, hazelnut & almond slice, egg sponges, and coconut truffles. I kept saying to myself , "Take deep breathes Jenni, it's Mother's Day." Red alert, red alert,red alert
just kept going round & round in my mind.
I kept Jedd outside, and was mortified to see my BIL about to give him a mouthful of pavalova. I screamed, and here is our dialogue;
"Poor kid, gets nothing"
"Poor kid! You'll see poor kid if he eats that!"
"You're overreacting!"
"It's Mother's Day! I don't want to spend it in ER. Would you like me to put a bowl of razor blades on the dessert table?"
"No, the kids will get them."
"And what, hurt themselves? Just like every $#%$%%^% thing already there is potentially life threatening for my son? Do you get it now?
We left straight away , and I received a phone call that night from BIL and MIL.
I know that whilst they are sorry, they still think that I am neurotic. Needless to say, it's been a year, it's Mother's Day tommorrow and I am spending it at home with my two beautiful kids.
Don't put your kids at risk. It's a Mother's right to protect their children, and sometimes that includes family.
Happy Mother's Day to all

Posted on: Sat, 05/17/2003 - 12:33pm
patsmommy's picture
Joined: 10/31/2001 - 09:00

hi all
these sotories remind me of my inlaws.
one year it wa easter and my sons bday. my sil had a severe allergic reaction(to working out, her own sweat) so she could not come. my mil brought over easter gifts from her to the kids. My sons gift was a glass egg filled with peanut chews!!!!!!!! hello? anybody home? i tossed the whole thing.Later that evening I called sil on the phone, she told me that she was sorry that she could not come to the party but no one understands how severe allergies are!!!!!!!!!I wnet nuts! pardon the pun, I said excuse me, understand> you gave my son who is severly allergic to peanuts, peanut chews! her answer, well thats what i got all my nieces and nephews! , i said all of them are not allergic he could have died if mil gave the gift to him first. she was annoyed that i was annoyed! A question how severe could her allergy be if the dr gave her zertec and sent her home? oh it makes my blood boil.
or the time my mil wanted to brush off the walnuts on a brownie and give it to tna son.

Posted on: Thu, 05/29/2003 - 4:45am
Driving Me Nutty's picture
Joined: 05/01/2003 - 09:00

Great point about 'putting razor blades out on the table for the kids'. I'll have to remember that one. Non-PA parents might be able to relate to that.
I think that a lot of people that don't 'get it' just don't realize that it is life threatening. I'm a month new to this an in explaining it to people I find that most think of allergies as just a tummy ache and don't know that people can die from a miniscule amount of it.

Posted on: Sat, 08/30/2003 - 3:40pm
SMT's picture
Joined: 08/31/2003 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by Peg541:
[b]Somehow you gotta wonder about an adult who would eat a candy bar in front of young children, allergies or not.
Was he prepared to share with them? Did he ask permission?
Why couldn't he just wait to eat the candy bar when the kids were gone.
Don't try to understand a fool. Keep the kids away from them, family or not. When I look back on my history with my mother, I wish I had stopped trying. She was never going to change. I should have taken myself away from her years ago!
Family is not family if they are harmful to you or your children. Get rid of the bum.
I can so appreciate this one. my mother used to watch my PA and Dairy Allergic son while I worked until she was caught eating peanuts & dairy containing products infront of him IN MY HOME!!. My older son warned her that she cannot eat these things in front of my younger son who has the allergies especially in my home. PS. I never let my mother babysit my son after that ever again. I don't know what these people think when they do these types of things, but the perfect question to ask them is "Would you give the child a loaded gun to play with?" Make them understand that these foods pose just the same risk to the severely allergic child.

Posted on: Sun, 09/21/2003 - 12:20pm
tjpage's picture
Joined: 03/22/2003 - 09:00

Your family sounds just like mine. People who don't live with the allergy do not get how serious a life threatening allergy is. My in-laws and brother-in-law do not get the "peanut, tree nuts and sesame seed allergy" my son has. My daughter also is allergic to peanuts and tree nuts.
In the past, they have come over with rice pilaf that contained peanut oil or giving my child a bite of a Kit Kat (that contains "processed on the same line" warning). I was told by my borther-in-law that my 6 year old son said it was ok for him to eat the candy because he had eaten one before and he knew there were no peanuts in the candy bar. I finally had to scream at these family members and tell them stories of people having reactions. After losing it on my family, with out my husbands support, I was told they didn't realize how dangerous the allergy was. Even though I have been telling them that nuts and seeds will kill my children for 3 years.
I know they would never do anything to harm my children but there is still the nagging voice in the back of my head that says, "Don't let your guard down, you can't trust them".
They did apoligize after, but I am always still on edge if they go over their house and I'm not there. Not being able to 100% trust your family makes it hard.
The more we educate them the more information they take in. Eventually, they might get it and by then our children will be old enough to fend for themselves.

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