This was very upsetting!! Opinions????

Posted on: Tue, 06/15/2004 - 2:15pm
sebastian's picture
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Joined: 05/26/2003 - 09:00

Tonight my mom and dad watched my youngest DD who is 16 months. She is not known PA but we treat her like she is since DD #1 who is 3 1/2 is severely PA/TN allergic.

Anyway, I was gone for about 2 hours with my other DD and get to my Moms. We are sitting outside and my mom asks if I had Erynn tested for PA. And I said no, not until 3.
(This is all stuff she knows already, and she also knows that we give erynn no peanuts or tree nuts/may contains because of the possibility of being allergic and because of my other daughter's allergy)

She then goes on to tell me that my Dad was sitting outside with her earlier shelling peanuts and he dropped one and she put it in her mouth.
My jaw hit the floor! I was so MAD!
My mom told me she took Erynn inside and washed her mouth, hands and everything else and she was ok.
Yeah well that was good and fine but Emma's first peanut exposure almost killed her and here they are nonchalantly shelling peanuts in front of my youngest daughter.(there was no epi there or benadryl...it was with me and my PA daughter)
I shudder to think of what might have happened.

So I guess from all this you can imagine that I am now thinking that my youngest isn't PA because of what happened today. What do you all think? Of course she will still be treated like she is for all intense purposes to make sure she isn't and to keep my other daughter safe.

I really let them know how upset I was and that my Dad esp. needed to be more responsible. He is always doing careless things like coming to my house and eating peanut butter cups when he knows we are a peanut free home...it really makes me angry.

If my own family cannot respect me and my daughter's need for safety then who else will??????????????????

Shelley

Posted on: Tue, 06/15/2004 - 2:28pm
Mom2Sariah's picture
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Joined: 12/14/2003 - 09:00

oh WOW! Well, I would be ticked off to no-end!
As to considering your youngest NOT be PA I would say...don't jump to any conclusion. This could be the thing that "sensitizes" (sp?) her and the next time she could have a full blown reaction.
If it were my parents I wouldn't be leaving my children with them ever again. I say this in understanding where your coming from because I've been there and can't leave my dd with my family or my dh's....they just don't "get it" and have done stupid stuff like that.
It's horrible to not even be able to depend on your own family.
Cindy

Posted on: Tue, 06/15/2004 - 2:51pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

sebastian, would the popping of the peanut into your youngest daughter's mouth tonight be considered her "first exposure"? If so, you may very well still have a PA child on your hands.
However, this isn't really about whether or not your second child is PA. It's about your parents and what would appear to be them not "getting it" at all.
I have read so many sad stories here, sebastian, about people's families who choose peanuts over say their Grandchildren. Oh, Grandma's a vegetarian and she can't live without peanuts/nuts while we come to visit. Or, the family Thanksgiving has to have a peanut oil fried turkey. It saddens me to no end.
I think it's especially heartbreaking because we assume that our families will care about their Grandchildren, nieces, nephews, whatever. And sadly, in reality, as I've seen posted time and time again, it's not what's happening.
I think PA can be the straw that breaks the camel's back in many a family. I also think that there must be some underlying *issues* as to why family won't "get it".
However, at this stage in the game (journey), not to write your parents off completely yet. Are there things that you could say or do that would get through to them so that they could understand the seriousness of your daughter's allergy?
I was talking to a woman to-day and I have that chip wagon two doors down from me frying in peanut oil. She's a lovely, intelligent woman and I was explaining to her that because of my son's allergy, I'm not able to eat anything from the chip wagon. She thought that I could buy something during the day while he's at school. Well, no, I can't. I went on to explain to her that our whole family do not consume peanuts or tree nuts. I think she understood.
I live hundreds of miles away from family and sometimes when I read stories here I think perhaps it is a Godsend. I don't have to deal with the SIL, who knowing that my son was PA, still served her three children pb when he was there with her Mother (his Grandmother) for a visit. My MIL had the sense to high tail it out of there before anything happened.
My Mother lives 500 miles away from me. She has a very low tolerance for children and is a very "hands off" Grandma. I haven't seen her for three years almost, nothing to do with any difficulties in our relationship, but because I live too far away and can't get "home". Do you know my Mother keeps a "peanut free" home? And yet, if I were to visit with the kids, she could only "take" them for a short visit anyway. But the thought of having something in her home that could KILL my son, her Grandson, is just something she cannot bear to live with.
I've told the story here before about being shopping with her when I lived closer and she really wanted to buy some cashews to have in HER home and not eat when she was near my son (and he is not TNA anyway). She eyed the cashews and I said Mom, it's okay, you can buy them. I checked the label later and they did say "may contain trace peanuts" but I thought, Chrikey, she's not eating them around Jesse, bless her soul, let her have her cashews. But as far as peanut products, I could walk in her house to-day, almost three years later, and she would still have that "peanut free" home.
My MIL was a bit more difficult. She was in denial. Her son (my DH and Jesse's Father) was in denial until Jesse almost died when he was 3-1/4 about the severity of Jesse's allergy. So, Mom (MIL) was in denial as well. That's okay. It happens to a lot of us.
We went to visit there at March break and before we left, she got on the phone to my son (now 8-1/2) and told him how her home was "peanut free" and how she had scrubbed everything down "just in case". She really re-assured my guy that he didn't have to feel any less safe at her home than he does in ours.
Now, as it turns out, when we got there, she still had "may contains" in the house that she was eating, but hey, there were no peanut products. She has tried her darndest to "get it" and I do have to say, it has taken many long conversations with her (even after Jesse almost died), but she has finally reached that point.
That's why I'm saying, don't write off your parents just yet.
I'm hoping to head back to where friends and family live so I am not so isolated within the next month and a half, and who knows? Perhaps I'll be here posting about how angry I am with family.
I often wonder if one of my decisions to move out of the city and away from family and friends was so that I didn't have to deal with difficult situations as far as PA.
Was PA one of the reasons I chose to isolate myself and the children? And you know what? I still can't answer that for you.
But I do know that for me, my son is getting older and it's time for us to move back "home" to where we do have the support of family and friends.
Your parents may very well put up a fuss and say that hey, it's their home and you're going to have to come up with a response to that. Yes, it is your home, but I'm asking you please, when you are babysitting my children (your Grandchildren) that you please respect my rules. This is not something as simple as how Grandparents will often spoil the child much to the chagrin of the parents. This is a matter of life or death.
How old are your parents (if you don't mind me asking)?
I would try to find some extremely user friendly material to give to them. I would tell them about experiences you have read about here about why ALL other family members choose NOT to eat peanut products (i.e., why you and your DH and your younger daughter especially). Not saying that Mom and Dad can't eat peanut products, but explain why YOUR family, as a whole, does not eat them.
I remember a couple of years ago reading about a reaction Cayley's Mom posted about. Her DH had eaten pb on a bagel while they were out at a luncheon. Came home and kissed his daughter. She had a reaction, albeit, I believe, mild. Why? Because he has a moustache.
My DH has a moustache. I said to him, should you ever eat a peanut product while at work (he doesn't detest the things as much as I do), please please make sure to brush your teeth, and yes, wash your moustache. Do you know how thankful I was that Cayley's Mom had posted that? We never would have thought of it.
It will be okay. As I posted to you just earlier tonight, it is a journey. As I posted in this post, I'm really going to be embarking on yet another part of the journey when I do move closer to family and friends.
My SIL, BIL and three children were in a difficult spot within the last couple of months. It almost crossed my mind that it would solve the problems of two families, if we were to find a space to live in together, with separate living quarters for both families. Then, I realized the PA factor. How would that be dealt with? There were, of course, a lot of other things that wouldn't have made the arrangement work, but she's the one that fed her kids pb when my son was there and I thought you know what? I'll figure this out on my own and I'm sure she will for her family as well.
Again, you'll be okay. So will your daughter.
I hope this helped in some way. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------

Posted on: Tue, 06/15/2004 - 8:29pm
Claire's picture
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Joined: 04/19/2000 - 09:00

Some people just have to have the "I am the boss and you can not tell me what to do" attitude. My FIL was always fixing PB when we would be there just to show us he could do it and I couldn't stop him.
Well I stopped alright and never go back to his house.
Did you ask your father what he would have done if she had been in an anaphlactic shock. I bet he doesn't even know what to do.
People like that only think of themselves and you can never teach them any different.
I would never let my child go back there.
I think it is important to keep Peanuts away from the little one even if she isn't allergic, because she could touch the allergic child and then what would he do.
I am angry and don't even know your family.
Be careful letting him watch your children.
It is great that she didn't react to the nuts but your dad should have been respecting your feelings.
Good luck getting through to them. claire

Posted on: Wed, 06/16/2004 - 12:02am
MommaBear's picture
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by sebastian:
[b]Tonight my mom and dad watched my youngest DD who is 16 months. She is not known PA but we treat her like she is since DD #1 who is 3 1/2 is severely PA/TN allergic.
Anyway, I was gone for about 2 hours with my other DD and get to my Moms. We are sitting outside and my mom asks if I had Erynn tested for PA. And I said no, not until 3.
(This is all stuff she knows already, and she also knows that we give erynn no peanuts or tree nuts/may contains because of the possibility of being allergic and because of my other daughter's allergy)
She then goes on to tell me that my Dad was sitting outside with her earlier shelling peanuts and he dropped one and she put it in her mouth.
[/b]
On the plus side, at least she told you about it.

Posted on: Wed, 06/16/2004 - 12:24am
mcmom's picture
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Joined: 06/15/2004 - 09:00

Shelly, I also have family that doesn't "get it", in my case, my MIL. It's so upsetting; you cannot imagine anyone who wouldn't want to help keep your child safe, especially your own family! I recently had a very hurtful conversation with her where she accused me of keeping my ds in a bubble, and said that he has no life (he's 4 btw.) I'm now in the process of gathering articles that I am going to highlight and send in a packet to her, along with a letter, in hopes that it will be a first step in educating her. (I find I get too emotional talking to her about it, and perhaps seeing some of the facts in black and white will get through.) Keep trying weith your parents, but in the meantime, I wouldn't let them babysit.

Posted on: Wed, 06/16/2004 - 1:06am
California Mom's picture
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Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

sebastian, I'm so sorry to hear that your parents were so careless with your younger dd. It sounds like they don't really "get it". It is good, though, that your mom tried to take precautions after she realized what happened.
I would not make any assumptions about whether or not your younger dd is pa based on this incident. My pa dd (9 yrs. old) actually had peanut butter 3 times without reacting, before she had her first reaction. (This has always puzzled me by the way, since I ate a lot of pb while breastfeeding her so I know that she was exposed.)
We treat my four year old son as allergic, just to be on the safe side. We actually haven't even had him tested yet. He took a bite of a pb oreo that [b]I[/b) accidentally gave him while we were out at a function (very stupid mistake on my part - I assumed it was a regular oreo), about a month ago. My dh was on the ball and immediately had him spit it out. He was fine so it is tempting for me to think that he isn't allergic. However, after my dd's experience of not reacting the first few times, I am still feeling that he could be. (We will have to get him tested one of these days, I know. At this point he considers himself to be pa so it is just easier to go along with what we've been doing... Also, I keep hoping that the longer he can avoid exposure - or maybe now I should say [i]further[/i] exposure - the better.)
Good luck! If you think that your parents do "get it" [b]now[/b], then maybe you can still feel comfortable having your girls there. You will have to follow your own head and heart to know.
Take care, Miriam

Posted on: Wed, 06/16/2004 - 1:19am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

I'm the one with pa, not my child. I decided he was NOT to have peanuts until he was 5 - then it would be a small amount with me right there.
His older brother had other ideas. He gave pb when my son was only three. (Tiny amount, not enough to choke on.) Now, you have to understand this older brother was about 15 and fully understand allergies and epi-pens.
It never dawned on me to get angry with him. I talked to him to see what had happened - little guy hated the pb, gagged/choked/puked it out - which could be a sign of a reaction, but it's also how this child dealt with any new food.
***********
I guess this is something that we all have our own way of dealing with. I don't want my son never being allowed what I am allergic to.

Posted on: Wed, 06/16/2004 - 4:30am
selketine's picture
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Joined: 04/11/2004 - 09:00

My son (29 months now) was recently dx'd with a severe peanut allergy - of course I found this out after giving him some peanut butter on a cracker and he had a very bad reaction to it but it wasn't an ANA reaction. Of course his next exposure might be so I'm prepared just in case.
I had never seen such a food allergy reaction and I probably wouldn't have believed such a thing was possible - such a violent reaction to touching (he didn't even eat it) some peanut butter. It seems like such a crazy thing! Of course after seeing my son's reaction I don't need convincing of the seriousness of it. Before this I probably would have thought the person was exaggerating. I'm not bragging about my stupidity by the way - just showing you my ignorance! :-(
I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps your mom and dad don't get it cause they can't imagine it. Maybe it would be helpful to give them some literature (maybe with pictures - anyone have photos of the swelling and hives that can take place?). I almost wish I had a picture of my son's reaction to show to anyone who has to watch him (of course we're too busy taking care of them during the reaction to snap pics!). I think it would scare anyone sufficently enough that they wouldn't expose him to a peanut. I didn't think anyone's face could swell up like that so quickly.
I'll add too that I know he had exposure to peanuts before this - certainly in may contains items and he had some peanut butter Twix ice cream at grandma's a couple of months before and spit out the peanut and didn't eat any more of it (no reaction at all however). I think I also gave him peanut butter on a cracker some time ago (now I know I should not have) and he did not eat it or like it. But I think it possible a person has several peanut exposures before developing an allergy. My oldest son is not allergic to peanuts at all nor has any food allergies. I don't expect he will develop them and I allow him to eat peanut items outside of the house.
I think it would be a terrible loss to separate your child from her grandparents over this incident. Perhaps educating them more and providing them with an epi-pen to keep there and show them how to use it would help too. That would protect your older PA child as well as the younger one. And persuade them just to put away the peanuts when your children are there! I think discussing it with them, offering them epi-pens and so forth and see their reaction will give you a better sense of what steps to take.
Good luck!
Carol

Posted on: Wed, 06/16/2004 - 6:32am
California Mom's picture
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Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

selketine, I like your clear headed and practical approach.
[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] Miriam

Posted on: Wed, 06/16/2004 - 7:55am
virginia mom's picture
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Joined: 03/12/2003 - 09:00

My mother was tough to convince about the seriousness of PA. She and my brother often thought I was overreacting to my daughter's PA, with my brother calling it an "urban myth".
I gave my mother a copy of the "Peanut Allergy Answer Book" by Dr. Michael Young and casually suggested that it might have some information that would be helpful if she had any questions.
Well, now you'd think my mother is a leading authority on PA. I don't think my warnings about PA held any water with my mother - as an older mother, she feels that she's "been there and done that" and if she never came across PA in the raising of six children, then, to her, it did not exist. After reading the book, she now tells me what to do with my daughter in regard to her allergy. I know it's a tired saying, but "knowledge is power".

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