\"thinking it away\"

Posted on: Sun, 06/29/2003 - 9:31am
LisaMcDowell's picture
Joined: 12/06/2002 - 09:00

Joeybeth & others,

In reference to Jaketoo's post: "Thinking it away" is not possible, however using coping skills, as I was doing, enables a person to move out of a negative cyclical emotional state to allow for rational thinking to intervene & hopefully to inspire a person to view things from an entirely different perspective. Its a choice we all have.

One point I was trying to make is that we cannot control other people & we certainly cannot force a man to express understanding the way we want him to. Men are men, they express themselves differently than women. They're not stupid, they understand just like we do. And maybe, just maybe they don't want to discuss things that frighten them like loosing their child which of course does not mean that they are in denial. My husband sometimes says things that make him sound like an ass when, in fact, he just doesn't want to reveal his feelings & that's okay...sometimes its just too personal & it has to be respected. All & all what they think & what they feel should not really be the issue. All we have to do is find ways to ensure that as many precautions as possible are taken. One way is through non-verbal communication, for instance, handing the father the Epi-pen or placing the Epi-pen belt on the child &/or going with.

Sure, it would be nice to have a spouse alleviate the responsibility but its not always possible especially if they are not the main child care provider. If this is true in your household, then that person may need to learn how to cope w/the responsibility so that it doesn't negatively affect their marriage or any other part of their life. Children learn directly & indirectly how to cope w/things from their parents. And I also believe that they eventually learn what their parents true feelings are about the allergy which I think influences their self esteem, confidence & self worth.

Besides that, most husbands are the main breadwinners who are totally financially responsible for the entire family including that of his wife's own retirement. Would it not be fair & reasonable for a wife to share family responsibilities by taking the lead w/the allergy & gently reminding the husband to take the Epi-Pen or w/whatever is needed? By not looking for ways to use this allergy to find fault w/their spouse (& others)? Compensate for what you may think are his shortcomings. Learn forgiveness, the child is his also.

Many of you are right that I do things differently because I want the best for my dd & I don't want her to use her PA as a crutch to hold her back. What good would be served if I stayed in a negative cycle of whining or complaining or commiserating w/other people when I can control how I feel &/or learn to cope w/it. By not being in the cycle doesn't mean that I don't understand what the other person feels, I just think that some people may want a straigt forward answer w/out the other stuff. And I also know from experience what has worked for me & could work for others if they try it. So now ask yourself why you respond so negatively to my comments (not liking me is not an answer but an excuse for not looking at one's own motives).

This allergy & your reactions are what you choose it to be!

Take care!

PS--I'd be a poster person for FAAN anyday! I went to FAAN to ask them to help me solve a problem w/GS to benefit my dd & others. I didn't go to FAAN just for my child or w/the expectation that they would do it for me. Far too many people already go to them w/demands & expectations that they will make their unreasonable &/or impossible changes at schools or restaurants, etc & it appears for many that they wind up being angry, resentful & bad mouthing FAAN because they didn't get their way & have also failed to look at the rationale of their expectations. I support FAAN 100%!

[This message has been edited by LisaMcDowell (edited June 29, 2003).]

Posted on: Sun, 06/29/2003 - 12:20pm
joeybeth's picture
Joined: 09/01/2006 - 09:00

my original response to you had nothing to do with whether or not i like you. it had everything to do with the fact that we all have different situations. some of us have intentionally willful and difficult spouses (or in laws, or schools, or friends, etc) particularly when it comes to pa. what works for you in your particular situation may not work for us....which is why i took exception to your critical suggestion in the previous thread. you presume that we haven't already tried other methods of getting support and assistance, which i can ASSURE you we have. i also take exception to you suggesting in the post above that we are looking to place all the responsibility on our spouses. that's ridiculous and no one ever said any such thing.

Posted on: Mon, 06/30/2003 - 3:03am
LisaMcDowell's picture
Joined: 12/06/2002 - 09:00

Who's "we"?
And so how long did you try these suggestions before finally deciding to give up on everything?
You missed every positive point I was trying to convey, but did prove every negative one.
Especially the one about not being able to control other people & now it appears that some people don't even have control over themself!
So then, what was your point in allowing Jaketoo to know that you have tried "everything" & they didn't work?
Were you telling her that it is pointless to try to find something that would help her situation before she even got started? Were you telling her to not listen to people that offer positive or alternative suggestions, like myself? Were you telling her that how she feels is the right way & only way? Were you telling her that she is all alone & confirming that her husband is some impossible beast that doesn't get it? Or were just trying to invite her to join the "we" group to commiserate together? What was your point Joeybeth?
For the life of me, I can't understand why you would tell a newcomer this stuff! That's like telling a pregnant woman that some women die in labor!
Given the potential seriousness of the allergy, why would a wife convey the seriousness of the allergy in a hostile, demanding & power hungry tone? And because it is so serious, what gives you or anyone else the right to fight w/others about it or behave as if other people are stupid? From the posts I read in Jaketoo's topic, my bet is most husbands won't give their wife the satisfaction of knowing they understand (understanding & forgetfulness are two different issues). Ask your husband why he won't listen to you. Ask your husband what you do to piss him off. Ask your husband if he feels like you treat him as if he's stupid for forgetting. Talk to him. Understand that he is not you & that you cannot control him or anyone else.
Am I to understand that you think that its not enough that a husband works all week to maintain a lifestyle while trying to get along w/others, worrying about finances, worrying about the future, etc, etc & gets to come home to a wife who has tantrums about having to remind him of the allergy by equipping him properly & communicating w/out reproach?
And what did being mean & ugly while attacking me have to do w/the topic? All you had to do was respond to Jaketoo's topic, not me.
Maybe you need to look to God to ask why this PA child was given to you! And maybe even ask why you look at what other people are doing instead of yourself! God can help you & you can help yourself if you listen & accept that its not about other people its about you & your feelings & the way you respond, but first you have to be willing to surrender your negative unproductive "whoa is me" attitude!
Its up to decide what kind of environment you want to raise your child(ren) in. Its up to you to allow your child(ren) to know that this allergy is too much for you cope with. Its up to you to allow your child(ren) to know your true feelings about their father. It is all up to you on what you want this allergy to be for you & your family.
[This message has been edited by LisaMcDowell (edited June 30, 2003).]

Posted on: Mon, 06/30/2003 - 4:02am
joeybeth's picture
Joined: 09/01/2006 - 09:00

yeah..that's right..you got it...it's NOT enough that a husband goes out and works all week. he's a parent also. with that comes some other types of responsibility. would you please leave me alone now? i am quite sick of you. i wasn't telling anyone i had already tried everything and nothing had worked or ever would work. i was not sending out some defeatest message at all. i was just empathizing with a fellow pa mother who was going through some of the same troubles i have been going through. i didn't tell her it would never get better, i didn't tell her to hate her husband, and i didn't tell her i was done with my efforts to gain some cooperation from my husband and family. i was simply sharing my concerns, opinions and experiences with her. which, by the way, is what she asked for. i don't hear her complaining. i DO hear you complaining though and i since have nothing more to say to you, i honestly hope you will pretend i don't exist and spread your venom and vile all over someone else (or better yet, stop bothering eveyone).

Posted on: Mon, 06/30/2003 - 4:21am
Kim M's picture
Joined: 06/09/2001 - 09:00

Lisa, your attitude is so antiquated that I am wondering if you are the woman who wrote "The Surrendered Woman."
That antediluvian quality aside, what bothers me most about your posts are the ridiculous assumptions you make about the poster. This happened with the uproar you caused over Peg541's early posts, and this is what you are doing again. Where in jaketoo's post do you see that she approached her husband in a "hostile, demanding & power hungry tone"? If I were to make any assumptions about another person's behavior, I would assume that she started off in a non-confrontational manner. However, I know that after starting out that way, if I was presented with a husband who was willfully putting my child at risk for a fatal reaction, I might get a bit hostile. Not saying that jaketoo responded this way, just saying that it would be very natural. But there is nothing in her post to indicate that this is how she is reacting, and in fact her follow up indicates that she has very reasonable expectations.
Bottom line Lisa, you know what the old saying is about "ASSUME". In your case, however, you only make an "ass" of "u".

Posted on: Mon, 06/30/2003 - 5:28am
LisaMcDowell's picture
Joined: 12/06/2002 - 09:00

Well Joeybeth,
You chose to come to this topic, I didn't force you. And maybe you should learn not to pick fights w/me or anyone else...what do you think about that!
So then basically what you were telling Jaketoo is that you don't know how to communicate w/your husband. Point taken.
Otherwise re-read your post, its how you portrayed yourself.
The question still is what good would it do for me to whine, complain & commiserate w/others? There are certainly others that can do that.
Avoid me & I will avoid the "we" group.
I understand where you're coming from, you've got nothing positive to offer. Avoid me & I will avoid you.
[This message has been edited by LisaMcDowell (edited June 30, 2003).]

Posted on: Mon, 06/30/2003 - 5:38am
MapleLeaf's picture
Joined: 02/26/2003 - 09:00

This thread is called "Thinking it Away". Maybe if I think hard enough, it will go away!

Posted on: Mon, 06/30/2003 - 5:42am
Gail W's picture
Joined: 12/06/2001 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by LisaMcDowell:
[b]Avoid me & I will avoid you.[/b]
Excellent advice for us all.

Posted on: Mon, 06/30/2003 - 6:04am
LisaMcDowell's picture
Joined: 12/06/2002 - 09:00

Its sad that people continually prove my point right about riding the rollercoaster of emotions especially those that have been here for years. Don't worry "we" group, you will always attract new people to ride with you. You still don't see how your portray yourselves!
Oh well, whatever!
Touche Gail!

Posted on: Mon, 06/30/2003 - 7:11am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Can I be part of the "we" group too? Where do I sign up?
As for assuming what others are thinking, and how they act towards others, my personal experience is that people [i]assume[/i] others think/act the way they do.
I [i]assume[/i] hostility was not used, because I am [b]not[/b] a hostile person.
Apparently, very few of us are hostile. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
But, seriously, where do I sign up????

Posted on: Mon, 06/30/2003 - 7:55am
Kim M's picture
Joined: 06/09/2001 - 09:00

And, Lisa, I see that once again you are responding to valid questions with personal attacks. I again ask, where do you see in jaketoo's post that she was hostile in her dealings with her husband? Without that, none of your posts make sense.
Then again, maybe avoidance is the best policy after all.


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