The name calling begins....

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We had an awful Easter this year. Long story short, my SIL decided to unload all of her frustrations out on me Saturday night!!

First, if I have anyone bring any food over I always give the gentle reminder, "please remember no nuts". Well evidently that sentece was the last straw with her...

She told me I had continuously offended them with my demeaning reminders. I was obsessive, ridiculous, and strange! AND...I was isolating my son from leading a normal life. Then she said that because all we think about is our obsession with peanuts, she doesn't want to associate with our emotionally unstable family.

Geesh!

So I had a good cry, a bit of anger, and then a crappy Easter.

Now I am broken out in eczema from all the stress. Why do family members not get it?? Our friends are so wonderful, but family just continues to choose to not get it!

Thanks for letting me vent! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

On Mar 30, 2005

Wow, she would be immediately persona non grata with me. And good riddance.

AND I would have had some rather choice things to say to her.

The gist of which would be to ask her if she felt her temper tantrum would intice me to stop protecting my child, followed by "f* off."

It's nice when the garbage takes itself out! Saves you from having to do it! Hang tough.

On Mar 30, 2005

You know sometimes I think that family has a hard time with this because families already (many not all) have a chip on their shoulder concerning inlaws, etc.

There is often jealousy concering the way grandkids are treated, how the other spouses families treat the "kids", etc. Add a severe or life threatening allergy to the mix and you have drawn MORE attention to a particular child and you make certain demands (necessarily) on other family members and they just become hostile.

Thats my take on it. I could be completely wrong but that is how things seem to me right now and the only way I can seem to rationalize behavior that I am seeing from family. Hope this helps.

On Mar 30, 2005

It is difficult sometimes with family but I think the reminders are important and I will continue to make them even if it annoys them.

Even though you tell them often, they really have to be consciously thinking about it when they are preparing the food because it may be different than every other time they make it (mashed potatoes with no butter or milk).

My MIL is the sweetest person but the first time we visited after our PA diagnosis, she made 2 desserts with nuts even after we explained how serious the allergy was and that DS shouldn't be around any nuts. We recently visited again and asked that the nuts be put away before our visit. I was prepared to leave with my son if there was food present that I didn't feel comfortable with.

Luckily, everything went ok but I was still worried and she sounded like I was being a little ridiculous when I questioned her about my nieces and whether they had had any PB that morning. I am just protecting my DS and will continue to do so.

On Mar 30, 2005

What a bummer!

I'm lucky that my inlaws are pretty good about this. It helps that my SIL has a son with some food allergies too (lukily, not peanut). The day after we told my mil about my ds's PA and MA, she sent over some cookies that she had made. On the top of the tin it said "NO DAIRY", then the recipe. The first ingredient was butter. That is when I realized how much teaching we would have to do.

My inlaws keep peanuts and peanut butter in their house, and it doesn't bother me. My DS is never over there alone. Also, his allergy is not that severe. If it were, I'd make a fuss about it.

Overall, my inlaws are very kind and seem willing to do what they have to for us. Can't ask for more than that!

------------------ [i][b]Allergy Patrol[/b][/i]

On Mar 30, 2005

Wow I have to say I have no patience for that type of behavior. I would have probably slapped her. That may sound harsh but it is your childs life and she has no idea what it takes to be on alert 24 hours a day. I always say "NOT ON MY WATCH". If I can help it nothing is going to happen on my watch and if people including relatives don't get it, well, see ya later. Sorry about your stress... I have learned to be strong and not cry so much but darn it is hard. Look at it this way, your child had a reaction free Easter and that is great. Obviously, your SIL has some issues and should take a class on peanut allergy, empathy, and compassion/kindness.

On Mar 30, 2005

well..........duh...........we all WANT to lead a normal life but we CANNOT. Hel-lo SIL. We cannot lead a normal life with people like you giving us **** . We are trying to find the correct balance with teaching our child how to keep themselves safe and remain concerned about real life dangers of having a food allergy with being one of the crowd. We are NOT going to take food allergy lightly so we can 'lead a normal life'. What is a normal life anyway???? SIL sounds like SHE is emotionally unstable and not you!!

On Mar 30, 2005

Thank you to all of you who have said the things I have been feeling. I appreciate the kindness.

On Mar 30, 2005

Joesmom, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I have been posting quite extensively recently that for six years, I have only been able to feel badly when I hear horror stories about family because we haven't lived close to family and so I haven't had to worry about them and what they had to say (and believe me, this is not a family where they keep their mouths shut or their opinions to themselves). Previously, I would only have been able to post that I was so sorry this had happened, that in particular it hurts because we somehow expect family, more than friends to "get it" and yet repeatedly, on this board, I have seen stories of where this is not happening and so very often complete strangers are more willing to deal with our child's PA than their own flesh and blood.

I had a horrible name calling incident with my SIL a couple of months ago, not to do with PA, but I can tell you, she was downright vicious and I slung the mud right back at her. This also happens on a regular basis with my MIL. Then, the next day, everyone is just supposed to sweep things under the carpet and continue to go on as if nothing happened.

I had a horrible time with my MIL on Easter, but nothing to do with PA. Who is sitting at my table this morning for coffee?

So, now, I have no advice whatsoever to offer. I moved back close to my DH's family eight months ago and it has been sheer heck ever since. One of my New Year's Resolutions was that I was going to try to remove toxic people from my life and it really meant his Mother and his sister. But I can't quite seem to get there. It's like Al Pacino screaming in The Godfather Part III about "they keep pulling me back in".

So, I am certainly not the best one to offer advice. I just keep the tally in my head of all of the things these two women have done and are capable of doing and I try to remain calm in their presence.

The closest my SIL has come to mentioning anything to do with PA, but it was to do with how I deal with my children's health in general, was to tell me on the first week-end I arrived back in Toronto (after six years) and was staying the night at her home, that she thought I had Munchausen by Proxy while I administered my children's asthma medications. Yes, a doctor would prescribe asthma medications (both rescue and preventative) to both children simply at the request of their nutbar Mother [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img]

I am quite positive that it is something that my SIL and MIL discuss about me when they're having coffee together and thankfully they haven't said anything else to me (well, except for that grilling over coffee I did get one day - I'll try to find the post, I'm not clear where I put it now).

One day, I swear, I will flee my apartment screaming at the top of my lungs and will have finally lost my mind.

I am very fortunate on the other hand in that my Mother does "get it". Except I haven't seen my Mom in three years. But at least she "gets it" and she does tell me how she worries about my guy.

So, after being on the journey for over 7 years, I finally know what it's like for family not to "get it" and it is beyond heartbreaking, it can be downright nasty and hateful.

I'd like to tell you to tell her to get lost, good riddance to bad rubbish, but again, I've been trying for months to get rid of two extremely toxic women in my life and I haven't achieved that. What I can do at best, since we all live in the same neighbourhood, is get maybe a week's break from their madness, if I'm lucky.

The other thing that angers me to no end is that although my DH definitely agrees with me and "gets it" totally re his son's allergy, or whatever else they may be *on* about that particular day, when it comes to his family, he is such a wimp. He just lets them walk all over me and doesn't say a word. It is also causing a great deal of difficulty for us and yet as long as he can remain fairly oblivious to all of it, he does.

I had his Mother screaming and cursing at me on Easter Sunday in the morning after I had taken my daughter to the Fracture Clinic re her broken collarbone. Screaming. Cursing. About what I'm not quite clear. She is calling her son and screaming at him about what an idiot I am because I didn't ask a specific question. I did ask the question but I asked it so that it encompassed two questions.

I called her back and I said, Mom, can you tell me what it is that has you so upset this morning (surely to goodness it couldn't have been what was going on with my daughter and I know darn well it wasn't though I still don't know what it was). She starts screaming again and hangs up on me.

Ten minutes later, she is outside of our apartment window yelling up that she is going to see her sick daughter and asking if any of us want to go. It's like what the heck? My daughter had really wanted to go because she had wanted to meet her Aunt finally. So my daughter did go. MIL brings her back 1-1/2 hours later.

We were to go to her home for Easter dinner. What does my DH do? He doesn't go. I went because the children were expecting to go and I'm thinking to myself, you must be crazy. The woman tore a few strips off you this morning and you're still going to her place for dinner? And she's not even your Mother!

I did go with the kids and we had a meal. Not a festive dinner at all and then it even turned bad. I got home and I told DH, "that's it, no more special occasions with that woman". No more. What she did that evening was just horrible.

And again, I keep thinking, she is NOT my Mother so why do I have to deal with her? Let her son deal with her insanity!

So, your SIL is NOT your family (although she may be related to you, through your brother, I'm not clear). I'd take this opportunity to get away from her as fast as you can.

People do not understand the stress that we live with with a child with PA. If they do, we are very fortunate. If they don't, they simply compound our stress. She has given you an out in saying she doesn't want to continue a relationship with you. Take it and run! As fast as you can!

And I'm sorry - I guess I needed to get some of what happened here over the week-end out, although not everything. My apologies. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/redface.gif[/img]

Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

On Mar 31, 2005

Quote:

Originally posted by Christabelle: [b]Wow, she would be immediately persona non grata with me. And good riddance.

AND I would have had some rather choice things to say to her.

The gist of which would be to ask her if she felt her temper tantrum would intice me to stop protecting my child, followed by "f* off."

It's nice when the garbage takes itself out! Saves you from having to do it! Hang tough. [/b]

Chrsitabelle said it best. I'm lucky b/c my mom has alleriges and totally understands, my inlaws have made a couple of small errors, but try diligently. When I hear of family members being uncooperative or careless, it makes me think they have no regard for that PA person's life. Have you thought of showing pics of what a peanut allergy looks like? I have one of my dd when she had hers, I'd be happy to share with you, and you can show them. Don't take it personally, I'd be mad... not sad. And, put the ball in their court... what if it were their child with the allergy? How would they feel if you put their child in your car with no seatbelt or car seat and "hoped" you wouldn't get into an accident? I bet they wouldn't like that too much. How is keeping peanuts away from a PA person any different? If you bring them around, it's a gamble. You could also now stay away from that person by saying "hey, if you can't provide a safe environment for my child, I can't bring him/her around b/c if I do, it's neglectful behavior and I'm held liable if something happens." Sorry, uncooperative FAMILY!!!!! drives me nuts. Angela

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