That Thought

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 12:23pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Okay. I need some help with this and I'll try to word it as clearly as possible without my usual babbling.

First I want to say that it's only happened a couple of times in the last 2-1/2 months.
Also, that I've spoken with my therapist about it and she says that it's perfectly *normal* that this would come to the forefront for me, right now.

But in posting this, I don't want it to be only about me, but ANYONE who has had "that thought".

(Edited bit above because I bugged up big time, my apologies).

So, when you're child is first diagnosed and especially after a reaction, you realize that your child could actually DIE from his/her PA. It's somewhere buried in the back of our heads (and maybe not everyone's) that we have a greater chance of losing our PA child than we do our non-PA child (although no one wants to lose any of their children).

Then, you start on the journey and you recognize that you do everything in your power so that won't happen to your child. "That thought" re-surfaces when there is an FA death, and we, as a community, are hit hard.

Since Ron died, and again, it's only been a couple of times, but "that thought" has surfaced a bit more from the back of my brain. I mean, 99% of the time, "that thought" isn't even there anymore.

One morning, no particular reason at all, except something struck me that morning, grief wise, after walking the kids to school, I came home, sat at the window and looked up at the sky and sobbed to Ron that please, he be the guardian angel of Jesse (as I believe he is of both of his children) and please don't let me lose him too.

Rational Cindy doesn't have "that thought".
And even the Cindy I've been the last couple of months since Ron's death, again, has only thought about it a couple of times.
But that one day, as I sat here sobbing, it was just horrible.

I understand that maybe for me "that thought" is in there with the grieving process and scared process.

But life couldn't be that cruel, could it?

Many thanks and best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk up to heaven and bring you back home with me.

[This message has been edited by csc (edited May 01, 2006).]

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 12:55pm
gvmom's picture
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Joined: 08/24/2005 - 09:00

Life can be that cruel, but one can hope that it can show some mercy every once in awhile.
While I am not a Widow or a single Mom, I am familiar with 'that Thought'. Circumstances in my life have left me with 'that Thought' running through my head every day. I believe it can happen, I know it can happen, I don't believe that we are immune from becoming a contributor to fatality statistics, and most everything I do is related to my doing my level best to insure that if it were to come to fruition, there wasn't something else I could have done to prevent it.
Life is fragile and fleeting, and it is filled with much randomness and irony. To ignore the reality of 'that thought' is irrational, and I would guess the degree to which it controls your life would be a better measure of rationality.
In the end, fancy words aside, I'm sorry -- and I just wish I could be there to give you a BIG HUG!!!!

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 1:09pm
LilMansMom's picture
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Joined: 03/14/2002 - 09:00

Cindy,
I don't fall into the category you mentioned of widows or single moms, but I, too, have "that thought" from time to time. For me I believe it "came to the forefront" when a little boy I had taught in bible class was killed in a car crash caused by a drunk driver. He was just 2 years old. That a life had ended before it began and that it was someone I had held in my arms and *knew* made it just too real that I could lose my own son. Then, again, later when I took out a life insurance policy on him when it never occurred to me that I needed one with my daughter. Kayde is the oldest and from the day she was born I have thought about her wedding, her babies, her life as an adult. But, then after the diagnosis of Manuel's FA, I realized those thoughts are always "IF's", not "WHEN's" with him. It

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 1:48pm
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

My non-PA child has been having blue lips some mornings lately. I have been to the ped and referred to a cardiologist. I have had "that thought" about both my children now, the MFA one and now the KNA one. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] And I am not a widow or single parent.
I am hoping it is a benign condition. becca

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 2:26pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Oh, sorry. First of all, it's late and I'd like to respond to everyone who so kindly responded *properly* later.
I know that ALL of us have had "that thought" regardless of our marital status. I am SO sorry - I didn't mean to diminish anyone because they hadn't met "widow" *status* [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] yet.
I know that when Jesse had his last anaphylactic reaction three years ago, of course "that thought" came more to the forefront of my brain (I don't know about his Father's at the time, and can't ask him now) and I do know that I suffered post traumatic stress for a few months after that because I posted about it here.
I am SO sorry because I did try to word it very carefully and clearly and still obviously I did bug up because first of all I know there aren't that many single parents (for whatever reason(s) ) on this site and so the responses I would be getting would be from whoever chose to respond. So, again, my apologies. What a big bug up that one was.
It's just that "that thought" is really so far in the back of my mind 99% of the time and had been for quite awhile (3 years) and with Ron's death, there it was, right there again. And like, Oh My God, No!
So, my sincere apologies.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk up to heaven and bring you back home with me.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 3:05pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

gvmom, I checked air fares on Friday to NYC and California, and man, I was SHOCKED at how much they have gone up since I went to either place. Not something that's happening any time soon I can tell you, or else I'd come and get that hug in person (and yes, scare the bejesus out of you [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] ).
I could really use a good hug right now and the funny thing is I'm not a huggy person (only with my kids), but just really feel that need right now.
And again, to everyone, my apologies for how I so badly mis-worded my original post.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk up to heaven and bring you back home with me.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 3:20pm
gvmom's picture
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Joined: 08/24/2005 - 09:00

[b]or else I'd come and get that hug in person (and yes, scare the bejesus out of you ).[/b]
That would be one of the best scares I could ever have!!! Just remember to put a bit of cotton in your ears before you ring the doorbell, cause I know I'd let out the biggest and loudest 'OH MY GOD!!!!!!' you've heard in a long time --- then give you the biggest hug!!!!!

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 3:24pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

You know what I just realized? I wanted to discuss "that thought" and what brings it to the forefront for anyone/everyone. I shouldn't even have mentioned responses from particular people (marital status wise) because it has nothing to do with it.
So, for me, "that thought" came to the forefront for me when Jesse had an anaphylactic reaction three years ago. Then, it kinda went away (though there in the recesses of your mind).
And it really came out about 1-1/2 months after Ron died.
So, what do any of us do with "that thought", what triggers it, and how do we deal with it and make it recede again?
Forget about anything to do with marital status - but say perhaps a divorce, separation, death (that's marriage wise) *might* be a trigger. KWIM?
Again, I am SO sorry.
becca, please let us know how your wee guy is. I am so upset to read what you posted. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------
If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk up to heaven and bring you back home with me.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 4:12pm
Peg541's picture
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Joined: 12/29/2002 - 09:00

My son has been away most of this year either in Scotland or busy at school here in CA.
He came home for one week this week. I looked at him lounging as we got caught up on some TV show and I realized I did not think Peanut I just thought Paul.
That scared me. I told him "watch out for me while you're home." I was afraid my guard had gone down so much since he was away alot that I might not be the safest for him right now.
I mean there are no unsafe foods in the house, it just struck me I was seeing Paul and not Paul thru that haze of peanuts I usually see him in.
I hadn't felt my guard down in so long and it scared me. He's a big guy now and takes care of his own allergy but I do the shopping and cooking while he is here. Mostly anyway.
For once it was nice too. To just see Paul and not see that potential for the disaster we all know lurks. It might be the first time in a LONG time I've seen just Paul, it was nice, I liked it.
I'm always a bit scared he'll encounter a hidden peanut but I am more scared some horrible person with no value for human life will take him or my daughter away from me. That scares me the most actually.
Peg

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 8:11pm
LuvMyKids's picture
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Joined: 06/26/2005 - 09:00

I think I worry more about other things than I do PA. I think there is a greater chance that something else will happen than peanuts being the issue.
Sometimes I think she is safer because of the PA, people tend to watch her more including me.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 8:44pm
TNAmom's picture
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Joined: 11/29/2005 - 09:00

Cindy,
you need not apologise for the wording of your first post. I think it is very natural that death is very near the surface for you right now, with fearful thoughts ready to spill over with the slightest trigger.
Just a short time ago you suffered a terrible shock. You know how suddenly someone can be gone. Having a child with a life-threatening food allergy is a scary thing. "The thought" hovers for all of us.
That day you needed to let some emotion out, to have a good cry and to find a way to connect with your husband. And I'm glad you had the opportunity to do so.
My best to you. You are handling it admirably.

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