thanksgiving/mother in law/vent

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 7:25am
melissa's picture
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Joined: 07/05/2004 - 09:00

I'm just venting b/c I really need to so bless your heart if you actually read this!!! I am having both sides of the family over for Thanksgiving...never done this before, never really cooked much until the peanut and egg allergies cropped up this year. So I decided the safest thing to do is to have the meal here...I'm cooking most everything, but my mom is bringing the turkey and my mother in law is bringing the ham. My mother in law insists that "it's not Thanksgiving w/out my rolls". I told her fine, but she has to make them egg free. This has all been settle for a month now. Today she tells me she's making an egg free pan of rolls and a "normal" pan. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea...what if someone mixes them up, or drops some and Justin picks it up (not yet 2, known to happen unfortunately). She says I'm "worrying too much". What? Then she says she ordered an eclair cake b/c it's my DH's favorite. She said the lady making it is "sure it's fine". I explained that since this lady is not used to checking labels on EVERYTHING, it may not be fine. So she says "well I'll just bring enough for (my DH and other non FA DS)"...what? I told again, not a good idea. I really don't think I'm overreacting. I just wanted everything to be things he COULD have! He's going to have to be denied certain foods everywhere else, but I wanted his home to be a place where he can eat anything anyone else eats. So, if you're patient enough to have read this, am I overreacting? If not, can you think of a different way I can approach this w/ MIL to get her to understand? I'm just so disappointed and let down.
TIA----Melissa

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 7:47am
ajas_folks's picture
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Joined: 04/28/2000 - 09:00

As hard as this is, I think you need to be stronger & sterner. "I don't think that's a good idea" does not mean NO.
It's your home.
It's your child's life!
What is your husband's stance on this?
Find a stronger way to say NO and stick to it. NO to the egg-in rolls. NO to the dessert from other source. I have a great roll recipe, if you want to make your own -- you can make them day prior, if oven space is a concern.
Appeal to your MIL's LOVE for her grandchild.
Somehow, JUST SAY NO!!
EB
Edited to add:
Direct quote regarding PA parents (from a NY Times article):
"I tell my patients, if people point at you when you walk down the street and say, 'Look at that neurotic parent,"' says Paul Ehrlich, a pediatric immunologist in New York City, "then and only then are you being careful enough."
[This message has been edited by ajas_folks (edited November 23, 2004).]

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 8:32am
smack's picture
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Joined: 11/14/2001 - 09:00

I agree with EB, you need to be stronger.
You will be setting a precedence for later and this is monumental in teaching others that this is serious business.
Your child is young and this is your home.
You stick to your guns girl!
Good Luck

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 8:52am
Christabelle's picture
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Joined: 10/03/2004 - 09:00

I agree. I think tell her no, sorry, no food your PA child can't have is allowed in the sanctuary of his home. That's it!
I consider it completely rude that she would violate that sanctuary that way. It would be like taking pork over to a Muslim's house or a big rack of lamb over to a vegetarian's house. Besides unsafe, it's very rude.

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 9:07am
Carefulmom's picture
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Joined: 01/03/2002 - 09:00

I was already thinking that you should not serve the food your child cannot have even before I read the other posts on this thread. I have been at this food allergy thing for 9 years, as my child`d first reaction was in 1995. So I have been dealing with these kinds of situations for a long time. My comment after these 9 years is you do not have to defend decisions that are for the purpose of keeping your child safe! If it were me, I would keep it short and sweet. With a nice smile I would say "sorry but I won`t be able to serve these as it is unsafe for -------- (child`s name)." That`s it. If she argues, you just repeat that same sentence over and over. My family knows now there is no point in having a long discussion about these things, as my answer will be the same 30 minutes into the discussion as it was 1 minute into the discussion. As I said in another thread, I would not engage in numerous discussions about it. I would tell her if she brings it you cannot serve it as it is unsafe for your child. If she brings it anyhow, stick it somewhere where your child will not get into it, and don`t serve it. If you serve it, you will only encourage her to do the same thing again.
[This message has been edited by Carefulmom (edited November 23, 2004).]

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 9:14am
new2PA's picture
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Joined: 10/18/2003 - 09:00

I agree. If all else fails, let her bring them, and chunk them in the trash when they make it through the door.
Maybe you could try telling her you're going to do this if she brings something that is off limits.
I agree...your house, your rules, your child.
[This message has been edited by new2PA (edited November 23, 2004).]

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 9:18am
happycat's picture
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Joined: 08/31/2004 - 09:00

I agree with the other posters - you have to find a way to tell her NO. Or better yet, since its your husbands mother, get him to tell her no (that way you don't have to be the "bad guy", and yes, I let my husband do the talking to his side of the family).
I had a few similar problems with the in laws after my DS was diagnosed with PA. In my case, it helped to show everyone the epipen and some info sheets that my doctor gave us that stated "Reactions to peanuts are sometimes FATAL".

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 9:48am
mommyofmatt's picture
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Joined: 03/12/2004 - 09:00

You're not overreacting. I just love MILs [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img]
It is definitely rude to go against your wishes in your house!!!
I like the idea of letting your husband tell her no. Would she be more likely to listen to him? If she thinks you worry too much, your dh may be able to tell her in very clear terms what needs to be done and hopefully she'll back off.
A little humor for you: at the boys' 2nd b-day, I made a cake for them, frosting and all. I was well kinda proud of it, it was my first endeavor at it, and it tasted really good. I bring it out and MIL says (knowing it doesn't have nuts, milk, or egg) in front of everyone "Is it edible??!"
Luckily while my jaw was still on the floor, my dh chimed in and said, "no mom it's poison dig in" LOL.
Good luck, hope it all works out so you can enjoy the day.
------------------
***[b] ALLERGY ELIMINATOR*** [/b]
Meg, mom to:
Matt 2 yrs. PA,MA,EA
Sean 2 yrs. NKA

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 10:41am
lalow's picture
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Joined: 03/24/2004 - 09:00

I dont think it is to much to ask that your child be able to eat the food in his own home. On occation I fix something my MA/PA son can not have (always because of the milk/never because of peanuts) but that is our choice in our house. I try as a rule, however, not to exclude him.. I feel like there are so many places he will not be able to feel comfortable enough to just eat.. my home is not going to be one of them. We are going to my grandmother's for thanksgiving and I made biscuits, cupcakes, muffins and cookies for my son to take. I am taking his vegtables and rice milk. The only thing I am letting him eat is the turkey and ham. It would be alot easier to just have them over my house [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------
Lalow
James 3yrs NKA
Ben 21 months PA,MA,SA

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 10:51am
NJMomofPA's picture
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Joined: 11/02/2004 - 09:00

I am experiencing the same thing right now two days prior!....
I have a 91 year old grandmother who insists on bringing her Italian Cheese Cake... but won't give up her recipe to anyone! So I won't serve it unless I can check all the ingredients! This is the same woman who makes Chocolate Cupcakes with Nutello icing!(pre-pa... but she still does not understand the PA allergy includes all Tree Nuts!!) I am so afraid she is going to sneak in something just to prove that Tree nuts are OK! I also have two Vegitarians in the group that eat a lot of pre-packaged Tofo products... told them NOT TO BRING ANYTHING... I am also making a penne Vodka for an appetizer for them to enjoy...
I used to worry about the in-laws and my family fighting about politics...now I am just worried about everyone watching out for my dear 3 year old son who was diagnosed two months ago!! I want everything to be safe for him even if he does not eat it or like it! Can anyone suggest a few articles that I can give to everyone on Thanksgiving regarding the allergy I would appeciate it. I also plan on using one our EpiPens to demonstrate to everyone how to use it that day! I want everyone to finally realize how vigilant ALL OF US have to be... my father still eats at least two packages of peanut cheese crakers a day.. and my son visits them frequently!
Any suggestions would be great!!

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 12:35pm
Carefulmom's picture
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Joined: 01/03/2002 - 09:00

Lalow, my daughter is allergic to milk also, and it seems that at least half the ham and turkey in the store has milk as an ingredient. Have you noticed that? I just wonder if your relatives are going to bother to read the label?

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