thanksgiving/mother in law/vent

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 7:25am
melissa's picture
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I'm just venting b/c I really need to so bless your heart if you actually read this!!! I am having both sides of the family over for Thanksgiving...never done this before, never really cooked much until the peanut and egg allergies cropped up this year. So I decided the safest thing to do is to have the meal here...I'm cooking most everything, but my mom is bringing the turkey and my mother in law is bringing the ham. My mother in law insists that "it's not Thanksgiving w/out my rolls". I told her fine, but she has to make them egg free. This has all been settle for a month now. Today she tells me she's making an egg free pan of rolls and a "normal" pan. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea...what if someone mixes them up, or drops some and Justin picks it up (not yet 2, known to happen unfortunately). She says I'm "worrying too much". What? Then she says she ordered an eclair cake b/c it's my DH's favorite. She said the lady making it is "sure it's fine". I explained that since this lady is not used to checking labels on EVERYTHING, it may not be fine. So she says "well I'll just bring enough for (my DH and other non FA DS)"...what? I told again, not a good idea. I really don't think I'm overreacting. I just wanted everything to be things he COULD have! He's going to have to be denied certain foods everywhere else, but I wanted his home to be a place where he can eat anything anyone else eats. So, if you're patient enough to have read this, am I overreacting? If not, can you think of a different way I can approach this w/ MIL to get her to understand? I'm just so disappointed and let down.
TIA----Melissa

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 7:47am
ajas_folks's picture
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As hard as this is, I think you need to be stronger & sterner. "I don't think that's a good idea" does not mean NO.
It's your home.
It's your child's life!
What is your husband's stance on this?
Find a stronger way to say NO and stick to it. NO to the egg-in rolls. NO to the dessert from other source. I have a great roll recipe, if you want to make your own -- you can make them day prior, if oven space is a concern.
Appeal to your MIL's LOVE for her grandchild.
Somehow, JUST SAY NO!!
EB
Edited to add:
Direct quote regarding PA parents (from a NY Times article):
"I tell my patients, if people point at you when you walk down the street and say, 'Look at that neurotic parent,"' says Paul Ehrlich, a pediatric immunologist in New York City, "then and only then are you being careful enough."
[This message has been edited by ajas_folks (edited November 23, 2004).]

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 8:32am
smack's picture
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I agree with EB, you need to be stronger.
You will be setting a precedence for later and this is monumental in teaching others that this is serious business.
Your child is young and this is your home.
You stick to your guns girl!
Good Luck

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 8:52am
Christabelle's picture
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I agree. I think tell her no, sorry, no food your PA child can't have is allowed in the sanctuary of his home. That's it!
I consider it completely rude that she would violate that sanctuary that way. It would be like taking pork over to a Muslim's house or a big rack of lamb over to a vegetarian's house. Besides unsafe, it's very rude.

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 9:07am
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I was already thinking that you should not serve the food your child cannot have even before I read the other posts on this thread. I have been at this food allergy thing for 9 years, as my child`d first reaction was in 1995. So I have been dealing with these kinds of situations for a long time. My comment after these 9 years is you do not have to defend decisions that are for the purpose of keeping your child safe! If it were me, I would keep it short and sweet. With a nice smile I would say "sorry but I won`t be able to serve these as it is unsafe for -------- (child`s name)." That`s it. If she argues, you just repeat that same sentence over and over. My family knows now there is no point in having a long discussion about these things, as my answer will be the same 30 minutes into the discussion as it was 1 minute into the discussion. As I said in another thread, I would not engage in numerous discussions about it. I would tell her if she brings it you cannot serve it as it is unsafe for your child. If she brings it anyhow, stick it somewhere where your child will not get into it, and don`t serve it. If you serve it, you will only encourage her to do the same thing again.
[This message has been edited by Carefulmom (edited November 23, 2004).]

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 9:14am
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I agree. If all else fails, let her bring them, and chunk them in the trash when they make it through the door.
Maybe you could try telling her you're going to do this if she brings something that is off limits.
I agree...your house, your rules, your child.
[This message has been edited by new2PA (edited November 23, 2004).]

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 9:18am
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I agree with the other posters - you have to find a way to tell her NO. Or better yet, since its your husbands mother, get him to tell her no (that way you don't have to be the "bad guy", and yes, I let my husband do the talking to his side of the family).
I had a few similar problems with the in laws after my DS was diagnosed with PA. In my case, it helped to show everyone the epipen and some info sheets that my doctor gave us that stated "Reactions to peanuts are sometimes FATAL".

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 9:48am
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You're not overreacting. I just love MILs [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img]
It is definitely rude to go against your wishes in your house!!!
I like the idea of letting your husband tell her no. Would she be more likely to listen to him? If she thinks you worry too much, your dh may be able to tell her in very clear terms what needs to be done and hopefully she'll back off.
A little humor for you: at the boys' 2nd b-day, I made a cake for them, frosting and all. I was well kinda proud of it, it was my first endeavor at it, and it tasted really good. I bring it out and MIL says (knowing it doesn't have nuts, milk, or egg) in front of everyone "Is it edible??!"
Luckily while my jaw was still on the floor, my dh chimed in and said, "no mom it's poison dig in" LOL.
Good luck, hope it all works out so you can enjoy the day.
------------------
***[b] ALLERGY ELIMINATOR*** [/b]
Meg, mom to:
Matt 2 yrs. PA,MA,EA
Sean 2 yrs. NKA

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 10:41am
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I dont think it is to much to ask that your child be able to eat the food in his own home. On occation I fix something my MA/PA son can not have (always because of the milk/never because of peanuts) but that is our choice in our house. I try as a rule, however, not to exclude him.. I feel like there are so many places he will not be able to feel comfortable enough to just eat.. my home is not going to be one of them. We are going to my grandmother's for thanksgiving and I made biscuits, cupcakes, muffins and cookies for my son to take. I am taking his vegtables and rice milk. The only thing I am letting him eat is the turkey and ham. It would be alot easier to just have them over my house [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------
Lalow
James 3yrs NKA
Ben 21 months PA,MA,SA

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 10:51am
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I am experiencing the same thing right now two days prior!....
I have a 91 year old grandmother who insists on bringing her Italian Cheese Cake... but won't give up her recipe to anyone! So I won't serve it unless I can check all the ingredients! This is the same woman who makes Chocolate Cupcakes with Nutello icing!(pre-pa... but she still does not understand the PA allergy includes all Tree Nuts!!) I am so afraid she is going to sneak in something just to prove that Tree nuts are OK! I also have two Vegitarians in the group that eat a lot of pre-packaged Tofo products... told them NOT TO BRING ANYTHING... I am also making a penne Vodka for an appetizer for them to enjoy...
I used to worry about the in-laws and my family fighting about politics...now I am just worried about everyone watching out for my dear 3 year old son who was diagnosed two months ago!! I want everything to be safe for him even if he does not eat it or like it! Can anyone suggest a few articles that I can give to everyone on Thanksgiving regarding the allergy I would appeciate it. I also plan on using one our EpiPens to demonstrate to everyone how to use it that day! I want everyone to finally realize how vigilant ALL OF US have to be... my father still eats at least two packages of peanut cheese crakers a day.. and my son visits them frequently!
Any suggestions would be great!!

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 12:35pm
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Lalow, my daughter is allergic to milk also, and it seems that at least half the ham and turkey in the store has milk as an ingredient. Have you noticed that? I just wonder if your relatives are going to bother to read the label?

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 1:15pm
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"It's not Thanksgiving without my rolls."
That is so funny!! Just from that sentence, I know a lot about her! Be strong, you're the boss in your house.

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 2:00pm
e-mom's picture
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I'd tell her to just kiss your a..! Just kidding [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
Yes definitely be firm. Tell her it's your house and when it comes to food especially during the holiday season you would feel much more less stressed and relaxed if you can just get the people that love your son to help you by understanding what you need for this occasion.
If this fails, just start crying [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
For the person with the 91 year old grandmother--YIKES [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/eek.gif[/img] --I wouldn't even try to begin explaining pa to her. She's stuck in her ways and if you feel she'd put nuts in it just to prove you wrong then forget it!
I don't think [b]I'D[/b] eat anything she made. She sounds like a fiesty one [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 3:09pm
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Oh, can we just banish the holidays? Food? MIL's? [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] LOL!
We stopped going to MIL/FIL because they continued to eat peanuts RIGHT before our scheduled visits and, on the last occassion, I found a peanut on the counter where I had just prepared DD's lunch on. Yet, when talk arose of her "helping" me by bringing dishes for the holidays - I am actually bending over backwards trying to come up with something safe she can make. (Of course, this is after being told there are certain things the family expects like deviled eggs & green bean casserole - I've been in the family for 20 years...I GET IT already!) Why do I care if she feels good about helping me?! Her cooking sucks anyway!
DH was surprised I was going to let her bring a thing. After further thought....I'm not. And don't you let your family bully you either! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img] Your child's one safe absolutely-forever-and-without-fail place is your house. NEVER apologize for that! ALWAYS protect it!
I hope everyone makes it through the holidays in one piece - physically AND emotionally!
Carolyn

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 3:51pm
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Hi Melissa!
I agree with the other posters. Say no! It is your home and your child. Your rules! Don't bring in anything that your child can't eat and those are your rules. If she or others want to bring other food then have to be safe. Set the standards now. Don't back down. If you let family push you around now - it will continue and you won't be able to get around it. No means No! For the safety and well being of your child. My husband always says it is a matter of life and death. Plain and simple. If they don't get it and they insist on bringing the food that isn't safe just throw it away at the door. That will get the message across quite clearly. Say -I am sorry but this food isn't allowed in the house - sorry you went to the trouble of making it- you can leave it in your car or I will put it in the trash. Sometimes- you have to be that cut and dry. If you are too sweet and try to please everyone they just won't get.
Believe you me our family has been dealing with the inlaws and it just ends up being that we don't dine with them because they can't keep it safe. They still don't get it. Over reacting! NO! Not for the life of my child..... Let them say what they may but our children are more important than some favorite food.
Have a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving.. Be strong. You will be in our thoughts....
Take Care
toomanynuts

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 8:27pm
plop's picture
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Carolyn,
Instead of a food item, why don't you have her make/bring the centerpiece?
thoughts and prayers are with everyone this holiday.

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 9:36pm
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I can relate to the inlaws that never got it. Therefore we stopped going there.
I make dinner and the rule in my house has always been that nobody is aloud to bring food to it. Chances are it won't make it through the front door.
Chris has two places he is able to eat and feel safe. Here and at my moms. My mom went Nut free when Chris was diagnosed with PA.
Also keep in mind she witnessed his reactions.
I don't understand how a grandmother can not respect your rules and not bring anything unless you aprove.
I will be cooking tomorrow because I love the fact that Chris can eat without worry for the entire day.
Melissa what else bothers me about your MIL is that when she makes her rolls will she make them on shared counterspace,and use the same mixer. I agree with you she should not bring the rolls. Especially if you told her not to.
I told my FIL i would have him arrested if he put nuts out when Chris was around. He used to do it and laugh. I finally toughened up and said"I could have him on attemepted murder if chris got any or had a reaction". Don't know if that would work in court but it made him do alot of thinking.
That man still has to make a comment to Chris 17 year later about having a peanut to see if he will react.
Good luck to you tomorrow Melissa. CLaire

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 10:09pm
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Thanks so much to everyone. I thought long and hard about this yesterday and last night...DH was very supportive and agreed w/ me that we have to stand our ground now. He called MIL and told her that we can't have anything that Justin can't eat in the house. Period. He gave her the choice of making the rolls all egg free (and offered several substitutions) or not bringing them at all. She said she understood...she'll attempt to make them w/out eggs and if they don't turn out, she'll just not bring them. I have a bread mix ready in that case. I have decided too that after dinner we'll have a little "family meeting"...go over some of the statistics and use our expired epi on an orange (I knew I was saving it for a reason!)...maybe that will hit home. So I'm feeling better, I just wish I didn't have to do this at every holiday! Regarding the cake though, she told DH that he and my other nonallergic DS could come over this weekend and eat it. Not really happy about that, but since Justin is 22 months he won't know what's going on, but I'll have to tackle this issue later. One battle at a time, right?
Well, I guess I'd better get busy...clean and cook, channel my inner Martha Stewart (which by the way doesn't exist).
Thanks again SO MUCH to everyone!
Melissa

Posted on: Tue, 11/23/2004 - 11:56pm
pgrubbs's picture
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Good job, Melissa!

Posted on: Wed, 11/24/2004 - 2:47am
lalow's picture
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Carefulmom- thanks for the tip about the milk in the turkey and ham. I bought a ham the other day so I will just bring some of it just in case.
------------------
Lalow
James 3yrs NKA
Ben 21 months PA,MA,SA

Posted on: Wed, 11/24/2004 - 2:53am
Joanne's picture
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Set the precedent now. If you don't want the food in your house (and it is YOUR house, so you are in total control), you and your husband are perfectly within your rights to say, "Sorry, but we can't allow that in our house." Remember that your first allegiance and responsibility is to your child, and that makes it easier to figure out the rest!
[This message has been edited by Joanne (edited November 24, 2004).]

Posted on: Wed, 11/24/2004 - 3:40am
solarflare's picture
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Quote:Originally posted by NJMomofPA:
[b] This is the same woman who makes Chocolate Cupcakes with Nutello icing!(pre-pa... but she still does not understand the PA allergy includes all Tree Nuts!!)
[/b]
PA doesn't necessarily include all tree nuts, unless you're also tree nut allergic. However most bulk tree nuts and some packaged ones are probably cross contaminated.
Here's some ammunition for you though, as far as Nutella goes. Nutella has peanut oil in it, or at least it did the last time I read the label.
Cheryl

Posted on: Wed, 11/24/2004 - 4:57am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Melissa, you asked if you were over-reacting. I don't think so. I'm an adult with allergies, and in my home those allergens are not allowed. (Yes, caught my son once eating a pb-cup over the sink, then he washed it up - kinda cute actually, but basically, it's a no-peanuts zone.)
I [i]choose[/i] to allow may-contains in my home - but I'm an adult, not a small child.
One of my allergies is sesame seed - so all breads are home made. No way would I allow someone to make two kinds one with and one without and bring it to my home for dinner. NO WAY!
***********
Now ladies! About all those MIL comments. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img] I AM THE #$&% MIL. Get off my back. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
------------------
[b]***ADDICTED***[/b]

Posted on: Wed, 11/24/2004 - 5:33am
e-mom's picture
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Quote:Originally posted by AnnaMarie:
[b] Now ladies! About all those MIL comments. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img] I AM THE #$&% MIL. Get off my back. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
[/b]
HAHAHA AnnaMarie, I think you'd be a great MIL.

Posted on: Wed, 11/24/2004 - 5:46am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Quote:Originally posted by e-mom:
[b] HAHAHA AnnaMarie, I think you'd be a great MIL. [/b]
Well, SHE doesn't think so. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img]
I'm over-reactive. (Well, sometimes that's true. Regarding allergies and gs asthma - I'm a *better safe then sorry* kinda person.) Want me to adopt you dh?
Oh, wait a minute - you get along with your in-laws don't you. I'll adopt someone else's dh. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
------------------
[b]***ADDICTED***[/b]

Posted on: Wed, 11/24/2004 - 6:33am
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For me, it's not my MIL. It's my own sweet deer-in-the-headlights/shrieking banshee Mom. Last Christmas was a disaster b/c she insisted on her chocolate covered nut chews. My son & husband went outside while she delivered a diatribe on how she was entitled to have "just 5 minutes" to eat her chocolate without hearing about my son's allergies and that she understood the issue - after all, her friends at work have diabetes, so she gets it already. In front of my sisters and bro-in-law who have since told me that they now think I'm a bit passive-aggressive for leaving the party early.
I figured out then that she's an old dog and my best bet with her is to smile, nod, and never go back unless I'm willing to take sole responsibility for being 100% vigilant the entire time we're there or when she visits. Which is the real reason we're skipping the family Thanksgiving this year...
[This message has been edited by AnneH (edited November 24, 2004).]

Posted on: Wed, 11/24/2004 - 8:38am
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You've already gotten lots of great advice, just adding my sympathy and some hugs. My MIL is also not understand about allergies, so we simply had to quit going over there. There's no way they would come over here (and frankly, I don't want to cook for them anyway) so now we stay home for thanksgiving and christmas and I'm happier that way. It's sad for my kids though, who can't understand why grandma likes nuts better.
------------------
==============
[b]~Gale~[/b]

Posted on: Wed, 11/24/2004 - 9:35am
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Good for you Melissa - glad everything worked out!
[This message has been edited by happycat (edited November 25, 2004).]

Posted on: Wed, 11/24/2004 - 10:53am
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Oh Melissa-when I read your post I wanted to shout- 'Dear gosh we have the same impossible MIL!' LOL But, my husband is the only son, so thats not quite possible.
I too am having MIL troubles & frankly am worried I may lose it with her when she arrives tomorrow. I told my husband to tell her she could bring fresh fruit and make a fruit salad here. She still called him with questions about a stuffing she was preparing! Ugh. There will be no stuffing this year, with the recent dx (early nov of EA & PA) and fact I just cant handle learning how to make bread on top of it all right now. If she happens to bring one, it will be all I can do to not dump it right in the trash. And you all have given me strength to say we will not be going to their unsafe home in dec. My son's health is priority number one, and she will just have to deal or stay away!

Posted on: Thu, 11/25/2004 - 2:12am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

I just don't understand how ANYONE can put their nuts or peanuts or bread or any other stupid little replacable [i]thing[/i] above the life of a child. Especially their own flesh and blood. It baffles me.
I wish you all well dealing with this absolutely unbelievable situation.

Posted on: Thu, 11/25/2004 - 2:49am
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It baffles me too. My aunt is having a party in a couple of weeks for my cousin and her family who will be visiting from out of town. I asked will peanuts be served. She said yes, there will be open bowls of peanuts. I said I cannot go, because it would be unsafe for dd. People eating peanuts with their hands, and touching her, kissing her, etc. I thought she would say she would skip the peanuts. Instead she said can I get someone to watch dd (I am a single mom). I said no, thinking it is so rare that I leave dd with anyone else, if I am going to ask a favor of someone it will be so I can have a night out with friends, not to go to a party where all the person has to do is not serve peanuts. My aunt is the nicest person other than this, and she adores my daughter. It just baffles me why she doesn`t just skip the peanuts so we can go.

Posted on: Thu, 11/25/2004 - 5:24am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

melissa, agree with everyone else. YOUR child, YOUR child's LIFE, YOUR home, YOUR Thanksgiving dinner, YOUR rules. End of story.
She can either "get a grip" or not bother coming.
Anna Marie, loved what you said.
Please let us know how your dinner turned out. I do hope that things went well.
Oh, and I do know how very difficult it is to stick up to MIL's (I'm on my second one, not that I'm proud of that [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] ), and there's just something about them, I don't know what it is, but with mine at least, it is definitely always pushing the boundaries that you have set with her, the give her an inch, she'll take a mile thing.
My MIL has been TOLD what my family is doing for Christmas dinner, and jeez, it didn't include an invitation for her (I know that sounds horrible and mean but there are very good reasons why).
No, agree with everyone else.
Oh, and the thing that I absolutely loved about your post was that you feel that your son should be able to eat anything in his own home and always feel safe (different wording). My thoughts exactly. I NEVER bring anything into my home that my son cannot eat. He will be 9 next week.
I want HIS home to be his safe place. As soon as he steps out the door, there's a huge question mark, but as soon as he walks back into the door of HIS home, he knows he's completely 100% safe.
Hope you had a good Thanksgiving.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Thu, 11/25/2004 - 5:53am
pgrubbs's picture
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Anyone have this one...in laws who THINK they get it?!? (but don't). Mine also compare me (tell me about as if I should be like them) PA parents with a MUCH looser comfort zone.

Posted on: Thu, 11/25/2004 - 10:51am
California Mom's picture
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Quote:Originally posted by Carefulmom:
[b] I thought she would say she would skip the peanuts. Instead she said can I get someone to watch dd (I am a single mom).[/b]
[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/eek.gif[/img] Carefulmom, that is so rude I can't believe it!
Good luck to all of you dealing with these insensitive relatives.
[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] Miriam

Posted on: Thu, 11/25/2004 - 1:13pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Yes, on the rare occasion that a single Mother would even get out the door for some respite, I'm sure they would hire a sitter so that they could attend a peanut filled party when they have a PA child! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img]
Carefulmom, half of my life I am a single Mother (it's hard to explain [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/eek.gif[/img] ) and right now I'm extremely angry with my MIL - nothing to do with PA and a lot of other stuff mixed in as well. But here's the deal.
I thought, okay, once I get back to Toronto, I hear how much I can partake of things in life again blah blah blah and that I have a "support system" around me to watch the kids, etc.
Well, I've never had anyone watch my children or ever needed anyone to. It would have been *nice* on occasion if there had been someone, but anyway.
Last night, I had really wanted to go and see two films at a second run theatre - something that I would really enjoy and I had arranged with the MIL weeks ago for her to babysit my two children whether my DH was going with me or not (I was in my single Mother mode at that time - it *can* change weekly for me - I know that must sound very strange, I'm sorry).
Anyway, of course, last week, we have a HUGE fight. HUGE. So, of course, she's not babysitting for me last night and now I am filled with absolute RAGE. RAGE!
The thing that really bothers me is that DH has an upcoming Christmas party at his work and I am sure the woman will make sure that she babysits that night so that her son can do what he would like to do. KWIM?
Yes, I am a bitter, nasty woman.
I just lost it tonight because I am SO angry that I've finally gotten back to Toronto where there are all of these things you can do, but not if you don't have a reliable babysitter. And the thing is, I'm not interested in sitting in the corner bar like her children are. I'm actually interested in seeing films and just getting some respite.
I have other issues with her obviously - my 7 year old daughter doesn't even want to see her Grandmother right now. I told DH tonight that if he wants to go to the Christmas party (with me), he'll have to find another babysitter because HIS daughter doesn't want to see Grandma right now and I don't blame her.
Sorry. Had NOTHING to do with what you posted really, I am venting, and if anyone considers it terribly inappropriate in this thread, I will remove it and place it in Rudeness or somewhere else.
But there was a point. I haven't been out of my house, on my own, for an evening out, without children, since I had them. My son will be 9 in a couple of weeks. I would certainly not hire a babysitter so that I could attend a peanut filled party.
What is wrong with people? [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Thu, 11/25/2004 - 10:09pm
Claire's picture
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Well Thanksgiving is over and Chris is ok. He ended up in bed all day with Vomiting from the stomach bug all day. Poor kid. He loves Thanksgiving and we make so much stuff for him.
Here is the part of my day that really ticked me off though. I had my parents over because they were going nowhere. Well my MIL decides to stop over and drop off some bread she had made DH. MY Dh says to her "Nut free right?" She says Oh no one is nut and the other is apple. AHHHHH what is wrong with her. We have never made Nut products or aloud them in my home. She was like I figured i would make an Apple bread he would like. Ok that makes no sence being that they are in the same bag made in the same house with the nut bread. I am now livid and so glad we opt not to go over there to eat.
The thing that gets me so mad is she is a diabetic and I would never offer her sugar foods.
I know she put alot of work into her bread but it is going in the garbage. I put it in my Bedroom because my DH was boiling with anger and I was just as mad. What I should have done was make her bring it home,but instead I will just through it away. I may feed it to her birds so she can see it get wasted. Not as if Chris is going to come in contact with the bird. If he was little I would not do it but being 18 he won't touch the bread.
I am still so angry at her.
Imagine what else she was having for THanksgiving that he wouldn't be able to eat. She wondered why we stay home.
I hope you all had a safe day. Claire

Posted on: Fri, 11/26/2004 - 1:59am
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I never thought I would have a problem with nuts on Thanksgiving - I was cooking, and just my dad and sister were coming for dinner. So my dad pulled up yesterday, and my dh went out to help my sister into the house. She is mentally disabled, and has recently had a problem with her knee and has trouble walking up steps. Well, thank God he went right to the car door, because she was sitting in there with a bag of cashews! Dh said they were all over the place, too, ugh. Of course he told me right when they got to the door, and I took her into the bathroom and washed her hands and mouth. It wasn't her fault, she didn't know any better, but I was FURIOUS at my dad! What in the world was he thinking giving them to her? I was shaking I was so upset. I took her coat and put it by the back door, and read him the riot act. Here I always thought he got it wrt my son's allergy, but he obviously does not. I never expected anything like this from *my* side of the family, its always been the in-laws who have been a problem in the past.
Poor ds was a little scared, too - I explained to him that it was like when one of his classmates eats something and the teacher washes their hands. But I hate that our nut-free home was violated!
When my sister put on her coat and left, right after that ds started sneezing like crazy. He had a very runny nose, I gave him some antihistamine and he was ok - but I'm sure it was because there were particles on her coat. I am *so* going to read my fatther the riot act over this!

Posted on: Fri, 11/26/2004 - 5:43am
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Well, our day turned out fine. MIL brought only egg free rolls and DH commented after eating one "these actually taste better than the ones w/ egg did last year"...made me smile. Justin didn't want one b/c I had made corn muffins (safe of course) and he loves those. He really didn't eat anything, I think b/c there were 10 people there vs. our normal 4. But it turned out well, all the egg free/nut free foods were yummy and I think that went a long way in changing some minds. I heard a few comments like "I didn't realize so many things could be made and taste good w/out eggs". After dinner, I got out the expired epipen and we practiced it on an orange. I was shocked at how big the needle is...but that's for another post. My MIL said something like "I hope I never have to use that big needle on him" and I said me too...that's why I'm so careful about what food is around him.
So, all in all a good day, thanks for all the advice and support. I'm glad I stuck to my guns on this!
Oh! One more thing. She brought a fruit tray, which I had approved. However, I thought she was making it and she brought a store bought one w/ fruit dip in the middle. And guess what was in the fruit dip...EGGS! So I took the dip container out, wrapped it in saran, put it in my fridge, told her she could take it home w/ her, and I opened up some strawberry yogurt and poured it in a bowl for the fruit. It's just never easy is it????!!!
Thanks again,
Melissa

Posted on: Fri, 11/26/2004 - 6:24am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Melissa, glad to hear things went well. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Hopefully it will be easier with each holiday.

Posted on: Fri, 11/26/2004 - 8:44am
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Thanks California Mom and Alternative To Mainstread, yes it is pretty annoying. And Alternative To Mainstream, you are exactly right! If I actually had someone to watch my daughter, I would either go out dancing which I used to do all the time before she was born, or I would go out with a friend!! There are meetings a few times a year at my daughter`s school that are in the evening and for parents only, and I even have to bring her to those! So the one or two times a year that I would ask a parent of her friend to have her over, it would be to go out with friends or to go out on a date! DD is almost ten and I can probably count the number of times I have been out in the evening without her, and it isn`t very many. Babysitters are out---I had two different babysitters intentionally give her food she is allergic to, then I hired a nurse/babysitter at $12 per hour, and she left dd home alone for 90 minutes every day at age 3. So there will never be any more babysitters in my house. And no, I don`t feel like your post is out of place or rude, lots of times threads sort of change topics in the middle. Good luck with your MIL---she sounds very trying.

Posted on: Sat, 11/27/2004 - 4:10am
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I know I'm late on this, but I just wanted to send my thoughts & prayers to all of you. Some MIL's are from hell. Actually some people in general will never get PA or any fatal food allergy. Like my dh says they are set in their ways. Which is fine, but I don't have to let them get in my way of protecting my children. My MIL actually told me one year that a little bit wouldn't hurt my ds as she was trying to put a spoon in his mouth. That is why she is not allowed around my children. & she actually whines about not being able to see my kids. I asked her to name the foods Aidan was allergic to (5) & she couldn't. So I just don't worry about peoples feelings who don't get our feelings. If that is cold then it is, but I am protecting my babies. Good luck everyone. Thanks for listening to me ramble. Have a good holiday.
Mandi

Posted on: Sat, 11/27/2004 - 6:05am
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Melissa, I am so glad your t-giving turned out well. And after I made the earlier post, I realized that I went off more about my own MIL issues than commiserate with yours-sorry. It seems we all can relate too well with those people who don't get it & often because they don't WANT to. Sorry to hear about your disappointments, Alternative to Mainstream. It it really awful when we can't count on those close to us to be there for us when we need it, and to 'get it'. The last few days with the inlaws here were the longest days in ages. Everytime I tried to say something about the allergies (this is new to us with the dx only a few weeks ago) she just stared and/or changed the subject!! Like when I spoke about having to order the medic alert bracelet---stone cold silence. Like at dinner when there was a remark about salad dressing & I talked about having to call manufacturers---no response. Like when she said my FIL could stay at home while all of us went shopping & I said we just aren't comfortable with the epi ourselves, barely & hadn't even talked to them about how to use it, she was like 'well, its not like anything is going to happen with him right here'. Now, this is an educated woman who is on the net all the time (maybe even this site--you'd think she would GET IT). It was the worst t-giving ever. And I felt guilty about the lack of traditional food since we are just learning how to avoid eggs, nuts & didn't have time to toss this together from scratch so soon. So after dinner was her famous 'Well it was filling' comment. Okay, my turn to apologize for adding my vent to Melissa's thread. But let me add...how disgusted are you when you notice how little your visitors wash their hands? How they put packages from shopping right on your dining room table, all their 'stuff' around your house when you are trying to be vigilant and reminding them of the residue on everything?!? She just grosses me out, and infuriates me that she refuses to listen or even acknowledge the allergies. I had the epi trainer and some info right in the middle of the coffee table, along with the medic alert bracelet that I tried to tell them about. I got NO COMMENT, nothing. This is a huge health issue for their grandchild and they are ignoring it. Again, I apologize. Am just feeling spent and depressed about the whole thing. It is so true that many folks are far worse off--with kids with cancer or terminal illness, but it just feels like a gray, gloomy dumb holiday season here with %$# for inlaws as well.

Posted on: Sat, 11/27/2004 - 9:54am
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That sounds really awful. Thanksgiving is supposed to be about being together, not about the food. I just don`t understand all this focus on food. I decided several years ago that every other year we would skip the family Thanksgiving (alternating years) and do something fun, dd and me. This year we went to Disneyland and had a blast. You don`t owe it to your in laws to spend Thanksgiving with them. I agree, some people choose to get it and some choose not to. With those difficult people, I just say _________ is unsafe for dd. For example, leaving her at the house with no one trained to use an epi is unsafe for dd. I don`t think you are going to convince them of the danger. I think after years of this (I know your dx is new) you sort of learn to separate people into those who can be educated and those who can`t. I severely limit my time with those who cannot be educated (as in choose not to be educated). Your first responsibility is to your child, not your in laws.

Posted on: Sun, 11/28/2004 - 12:23am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Little Noah's Mommy, your post reminded me of something that happened about 20 years ago.
First, you need to understand that my mil is a wonderful woman and we get along very well. But, we didn't always get along so well.
When my first son was about 3 months old we discovered that he had a congenital deformity. We took him to an orthopeadic surgeon who wanted to try therapy before doing the surgery. He said the therapy wouldn't completely take care of the problem, but it would lessen the amount of surgery needed.
So, I started wrapping my baby's legs in strips of flannel - 24 hours a day. Total strangers would walk up to me and scream that *sick people* like me should be locked up forever. One woman follwed me home screaming the entire way, then called Children's Aid and reported me for burning my child. The poor little guy was getting rashes from sweating, so when it got warm out, I didn't put clothing over the bandages.
And then there was family. sil said "please take those things off - I can't stand to see him in them" I told her if the sight of my son was so offensive she should turn her back. I would not put my son through unnecessary surgery because she didn't like looking at my son. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img]
mil - she just didn't discuss it. At all. When dh or I said anything, she mostly just looked off into space - then changed the subject. Her sister came over from England for a visit and wanted to change the baby's nappy, so I went into the nursery with her. She was SHOCKED when she saw the bandages. (Did I mention baby was all dressed up for special visitor?) So anyway, the aunt takes off the bandages, changes the diaper, then tells me to do the rest as she didn't know how.
Then she STORMED out of the room to give her sister an earful for never having mentioned it. I heard her yell "You're embarrassed about it aren't you" and my heart just broke in two. But, the response was that she wasn't embarrassed - she just couldn't deal with her sweet little grandson going through that. It broke her heart.
Now, I don't know your mil at all (obviously). But, since the diagnosis is still new, maybe she just can't deal with it yet. Even a person who doesn't usually pull a *Scarlet O'Hara* can when it is something so emotionally overwhelming.
Did she bring the stuffing? (I think that was what you said she planned on bringing.) If not - then it could be that she is trying. If she is trying to follow your requests (regarding safe food) try not to hate her for the other things. They aren't quite as important. (For instance, if she thinks you talk to much about pa - that isn't putting your child's life at risk - bringing in peanuts would be. If she thinks you're to pre-occupied about the epi-pen - again as long as you don't leave your child in her care there's no risk to your child just because she says your pre-occupied, the risk would be if she started frying eggs in your kitchen.)
Just in case she's just trying to accept and deal with this (in her own way), try not to hate her for her attitude.
[i]End of lecture.[/i]
(Do I need another bag over my head for having said all this?)

Posted on: Sun, 11/28/2004 - 12:41am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Anna Marie, if you need a bag over your head, man, I need a plasic one over mine that will suffocate me and my fingers from typing any more about the MIL! The woman is getting more wicked each day and nothing to do with PA (although she has agreed with her daughter that I have Munchausen by Proxy! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img] )
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Sun, 11/28/2004 - 3:13am
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AnnaMarie,
Your post was a good one. I'm still kind of more in Little Noah Mommy's boat where I would love the ILs support and understanding with all the issues. But your perspective is a good one, and probably a much less stressful one for me.
In that case, I'll be thankful that the ILs thought to separate the mashed potatoes so we could make some with soy milk and margarine. And I'll do my very best to ignore their not so complimentary comments [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img] about my homemade cookies that I was up until midnight (that's late for me!) making.
Melissa, can you tell you hit a hot button with this thread [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] Thanks for giving us all a space to vent. Glad your turkey day turned out ok.
To all the others, what can I say?! Obviously there are just some people who don't get it. And at least we know we're not alone in dealing with people who put food over our kids safety.
Now let's all have a nice bottle of wine and get ready for Christmas [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img]
------------------
***[b] ALLERGY ELIMINATOR*** [/b]
Meg, mom to:
Matt 2 yrs. PA,MA,EA
Sean 2 yrs. NKA

Posted on: Sun, 11/28/2004 - 10:16am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Meg, thanks for letting me know you understood what I meant.
It is NOT okay when someone puts a child's life at risk.
It IS okay to come here and b**ch about in-laws. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------
[b]***ADDICTED***[/b]

Posted on: Sun, 11/28/2004 - 10:36am
melissa's picture
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Joined: 07/05/2004 - 09:00

Meg,
I DO realize I hit the hot topic button w/ this one! Well, at least I can say I've posted something that really got everyone going! I got so many good perspectives from posting this...really helpful. I needed to hear that I had to stand my ground now, that I don't owe it to my in laws to spend holidays w/ them, but at the same time to possibly look at it a different way, like AnneMarie said. Really really valuable info and I appreciate it all!
Melissa

Posted on: Mon, 11/29/2004 - 10:26am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Annamarie, no need for a bag over your head-you had some great points. I actually did feel a little guilty after I wrote that last post. The MIL did not bring stuffing, so you are right, that shows she may be 'trying' to listen to us. Your sharing what you went through in dealing with your child's orthopedic issues really touched my heart & I feel for all that you must have gone through with the worry and with the desire to do whatever you needed to for his best interest--no matter how it looked to others or what kind of lack or support or craziness they gave you. Like you, Alternative to Mainstream, I have wondered if the MIL is thinking Munchausen about me too!! And like you, there is more to my MIL story, she has said and done some incredibly insensitve things and that is partially why I can't write her refusal to engage in any dialoge off as denial; long story. It is not like I even talked about it a whole lot while they were here; I couldn't really, or I would have been talking to myself anyway as there was no response. (It would have made for a much nicer time altogether if I had been able to talk to myself, actually [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]) Thanks for simplifying it so well, Carefulmom. I like your straightforward 'That is not safe for ds' that you just repeat till they either get it or go away. I agree with you that we don't owe it to the inlaws to spend every holiday with them, but, well, what do we do if they keep COMING to our house? Like, she already said something about xmas (must be she heard I wasnt keen on going there this year) then my baby's birthday which is just a week after xmas! Talk about overload. And, to repeat my last long self absorbed (so sorry, I really am about that, this is cheaper than therapy [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]) post, I am spent, very sad dreading the thought of dealing with the again over the next holiday and baby's birthday. Did I mention when I was pregnant and they visited I used to hyperventilate and have to stand at an open window at night? (see there was preallergy stuff too)

Posted on: Sat, 12/04/2004 - 8:53am
Carefulmom's picture
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Joined: 01/03/2002 - 09:00

Little Noah`s Mommy, sorry it took me awhile to get back to this thread. I work full time during the week, and wanted to wait until I had time to not be rushed in my response. It does not surprise me that there were problems with the in laws before the pa. I think some people have huge control issues, and those of us who are fairly easy-going let most things slide, so we can get along. Then pa/egg allergy comes along, and all of a sudden you can`t let your wishes slide since your child`s life is involved. The other person is used to being in control 100% of the time and suddenly they aren`t. I went through this with the brownie leaders, and I know it is much worse when it is in-laws. I pulled dd out of the brownie troop, and you can`t exactly do that with the in laws. I think some people have such a huge need for control that that is all they see. They don`t see beyond that to look at the fact that it is about their grandchild`s safety.
After hearing about them, I personally think it was intentional that they did not respond when you talked about the pa. It just fits with the whole picture. If they can`t control the food eaten, then they are going to use every way possible to make you feel bad. Showing concern over your child`s pa conflicts with their need for control. They probably don`t like the pa since it means they have to be a little tiny bit restricted and they are more concerned about that. (They sound really self centered from your other posts.)
Anyhow, I still say you have to do set limits with these people and do what is best for you and your child. If it makes you hyperventilate to be around them, then you don`t have to be around them. You are not obligated to have Christmas with them, especially if it stresses you out that much. Do the in laws have email? I found that during the 9 months that I had dd in brownies and tried to make it work with two leaders who were control freaks, email worked great. Everything is in writing, there is no confusion about who said what, and you can take time to think out your answer. Or here is a thought: what about seeing them at some point for Christmas but not around a meal? Meaning they are not allowed to bring any food?
If it were me, and I had the brownie leaders as in laws (oh, what a horrible thought), I would probably let them come for maybe an hour. I would tell them in advance by email. Assuming DH goes along with this---since these are his parents what does he say about it?

Posted on: Sun, 12/05/2004 - 10:17am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Thanks Carefulmom. Yes, the ILs have email & in fact I did email them an article (before thanksgiving)that someone in this thread suggested. They NEVER even mentioned it! Also, I emailed a note about things to keep in mind when visiting to help keep our home safe/allergen free and, you guessed it, they NEVER mentioned that either. Hey, I truly wish I could offer to have them come over for an hour, but they live about 4-5 hours away from here, so I get stuck with them staying with us. I got a little brave when, on Tgiving day, the FIL kept talking about the great things his other grandchild (my SILs kid) was able to do when I said, 'Gosh, I am sure they are really missing you today'. I don't think they got the hint.

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