Spouse thinks I over react !

Posted on: Thu, 03/28/2002 - 6:31am
n5vox's picture
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Joined: 04/17/2001 - 09:00

My husband told me that I have taken our sons peanut allergy a little over board!! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img] OVERBOARD!! What exactly did he mean??? I ask him and he said "well, just because you get out there and read this stuff you decide that it is going to happen to Matt" Did you guys just read that???? It is always someone elses child until it is yours! 9 years we have been dealing with this and NOW he thinks that I might be going overboard - have any of you out there had this type of reaction from your spouse? If you have - please tell me how you handled it. I have tried to explain that a mild reaction today could be a severe reaction tomorrow?! It makes me very angry! Please tell me that I am NOT taking things overboard - as I don't know how any of us could. Still mad about it. Amy

Posted on: Thu, 03/28/2002 - 8:30am
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Sure....my spouse claims that *I* am the obsessive compulsive one in our relationship... yeah right. I could tell ya' a LOT of stuff about him. Well, let me just say that we are the only family I know to have ever lived in a 1200 sq foot apartment with four operational smoke detectors and three fire extinguishers. (It was a first floor duplex, by the way.)
Different strokes for different folks, that's what I remind myself when he goes off on the subject. (And I also try to count to ten.... [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img] which sometimes works!) He hasn't yet exposed our daughter... but he's a lot more "relaxed" than I am. I grit my teeth and remind myself that even in this there *IS* room for two different parenting styles. He would certainly treat a reaction, and he's never unprepared to...just not as vigilant about avoidance as I am.
Boy is it easier to give such good advice to someone else.... not so easy to take it myself. I understand your ire, though!! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]

Posted on: Thu, 03/28/2002 - 8:53am
smack's picture
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Joined: 11/14/2001 - 09:00

Amy,
I did reply quickly to this one but wasn't finished when I had to go feed my starving children.
Mom's do go overboard protecting our children compared to Dad's anyway. So be it, that's totally "Normal".
When I had my twins I used to obsess myself with thoughts of what would happen if I died, who would love them as much as me, what if one of them died, how could I be happy in life for the other...the list goes on and on.
Finally after probably the 1st year, I grew out of all of that worry and started enjoying them more. I still watch shows and totally get torn up inside when children die.
Us Mom's I think are made from a different cloth when it comes to our children. Not that Dad's don't love them as much...just that it's different. My husband see's that, he knows and respects the differences between our nature.
So, if you are overboard on this peanut issue, it means that your listening, learning and wanting to protect your child from the worse. Feel proud about that.

Posted on: Thu, 03/28/2002 - 9:13am
momjd's picture
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Joined: 02/24/2002 - 09:00

My spouse used to think I overreacted, now he just appreciates the fact that I did all the research so he didn't have to and is thankful that we are always prepared because of my hard work. If my dh still thought I overreacted I would simply ask him how he would feel if our son ended up in the hospital because we were too relaxed. When it's life or death I'd rather over react than under! I also read to him or make him read every story about a child having a severe reaction or a negligent school or caregiver, so he knows that these incidents do happen.

Posted on: Thu, 03/28/2002 - 3:14pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

n5vox, no, you're not over-reacting, in my opinion. Right now, I'm pretty much in the space where momjd is and my post could echo
hers as far as my situation with my husband.
However, this has not always been the case.
When Jesse was first diagnosed, neither one of us was educated enough. When Jesse had his first anaphylactic reaction, his Father did not see it, so he could continue to be in denial about it. He did not realize the potential severity of the allergy.
It was not until Jesse almost died (and I will tell this story until the day I die just so others don't go through what we did) from his second anaphylactic reaction and his Father's total denial and my idiotic response of arguing with the man rather than doing what I KNEW had to be done to get Jesse safe, before it finally clicked for him.
He lost his denial. A year later I found this website and I have shared the information I have learned through here with him. So, he's fairly up to speed as far as information, can read labels with the best of them, and I really feel that he could do almost as good a job as I could at protecting Jesse (that's a Mom thing, I'm sure [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] ).
He does allow me to spend the time gathering the information, fighting the battle with the schools, etc. (although he is also quite willing to step in as he is a better speaker than I am), but I also get a sense now from him that he's proud of how I do what I do to keep our family informed and Jesse safe.
This was not the same man as three years ago.
He would definitely have thought I was over-reacting from point one on.
Just know that you're doing what you need to do to keep your son safe. Who knows? Your husband may be feeling that perhaps he isn't as adequate as you are in this particular area and he's afraid to say it point blank.
On the other hand, Jesse's Father had to see him almost die before he "got it" and realized I wasn't over-reacting or neurotic (or any of those things his Mother still calls me re Jesse's allergy [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img] )
It will be okay.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------
[This message has been edited by Cindy Spowart Cook (edited March 29, 2002).]

Posted on: Thu, 03/28/2002 - 8:53pm
Jodi's picture
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Joined: 10/28/2000 - 09:00

I think as Mom's we all have the general instinct to over-react about everything with our kids, not just if they are PA. After all, we carried them for 40 weeks and had to go through the pain of getting them out. We just naturally have that special bond with them that I don't think Dad's will ever truly understand!

Posted on: Fri, 03/29/2002 - 12:33am
n5vox's picture
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Joined: 04/17/2001 - 09:00

THANK YOU all so much! Last night I told my husband that I posted this and he said "that figures" and I told him I could get all the support I needed here at this website. Anyway - we went back and forth and in the end it solved nothing. I do think that he will need a "scare" before he is even half as close to "overboard" as I am. He was out of town when the call came from the school that said Matt was having trouble breathing from a peanut cookie cake while I was flying down the freeway going abnout 90 MPH talking to them on the cell phone (which I had just bought 3 days before) because they could NOT GET TO HIS EPIPEN!!!! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img] I aged 10 years. That same night as Matt stayed up all night sick to his stomach - hubby was still out of town. Those are the things he always misses out on. You guys are right too - I go overboard with many other things too and I think maybe that makes this problem more noticable to him. Oh well - like you said - we do whatever we need to do to keep our kids safe. I do think that he will be more careful about making sure Matt always has his medicine with him when he is alone with Dad. I guess if I even accomplished that I should be happy. Thanks again for your support and I hope that everyone makes it reaction free Easter. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
[This message has been edited by n5vox (edited March 29, 2002).]

Posted on: Fri, 03/29/2002 - 1:17am
williamsmummy's picture
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Joined: 03/26/2002 - 09:00

oh, denial, denial, denial , your name is daddy!!
well, unitl as previous post have mentioned , when daddy sees the "bubble wrap" and dodges the vomit and other more unpleasant stuff....
Once dear hubby convinced, which only fully took place once allergy testing gave us ... oh... sigh, so much MORE than we suspected!.
We moved on to the extended rellies. Has taken a fair while , but things are more fully understood.
So, that on the times that I have rung up my hubby at work , to tell him that William has grown a bill like a duck, or looks like the back end of a baboon and we are on our way to hospital, he does not think we are over reacting!! Our concerns are the same.
I admit that pushing for an epi was down to me , but only after I had done some research in to the subject and explained it too him.
Since williams last reaction he has expresed to me that he thinks we are now very wise to carry the epi-pens!!!
sarah

Posted on: Fri, 03/29/2002 - 1:28am
Klutzi's picture
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Joined: 03/10/2002 - 09:00

I have to say, when I first started doing research on PA, my hubby thought I was over reacting. He still is not real worried about a reaction from cross contamination. BUT, I won him over by providing him research & articles on outgrowing PA. Once he realized Jamie's only chance of outgrowing this is strict avoidance of peanuts, he started supporting my strictness. He still says he doesn't think she'll react unless she ingests straight peanut or peanut products, but at least he wants her to outgrow it so is helping me watch for "May contains".
Lea

Posted on: Fri, 03/29/2002 - 1:41am
n5vox's picture
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Joined: 04/17/2001 - 09:00

I have not heard that by avoiding nut products that you have a better chance of outgrowing the allergy? I have been reading stuff for 9 years now and have not seen that. Please tell me where I might find that info. as I would love to read it and let hubby and son read it to. Matt would LOVE to have even a chance to outgrow this horrible allergy. I learn new things everyday here - I love this website [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Fri, 03/29/2002 - 1:53am
Klutzi's picture
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Joined: 03/10/2002 - 09:00

I have to say, when I first started doing research on PA, my hubby thought I was over reacting. He still is not real worried about a reaction from cross contamination. BUT, I won him over by providing him research & articles on outgrowing PA. Once he realized Jamie's only chance of outgrowing this is strict avoidance of peanuts, he started supporting my strictness. He still says he doesn't think she'll react unless she ingests straight peanut or peanut products, but at least he wants her to outgrow it so is helping me watch for "May contains".
Lea

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