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Posted on: Mon, 05/13/2002 - 12:23pm
anonymous's picture
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

While it's certainly true that this board is for support - sometimes the support one seeks/finds is not healthy! It is this reinforcement of unhealthy fear that I find drives people away from this place eventually.
Yes, I understand fear. I have seen Cayley go into unconscious anaphylaxis from milk and multi-systemic anaphylaxis from peanut butter. But I have measures in place that will prevent, to the best of our ability, that from happening again. I trust that these measures will work, just as I trust that I won't have a tire blowout on the highway.
I don't lay awake at night pondering the what-ifs - at the moment. Sure, I've done it in the past, but I'm at a good place now. I find some people [i]never[/i] get to that good place - what will the effect eventually be on his or her child? What is the effect of constant worry and constant fear on a child? It is the reinforcement of this type of "support", that OKs paranoia and rewards hypervigilance (look up the definition for this - it is not a positive thing), that bothers me. That makes new members wonder if they are "supposed" to be like that. The "Am I a bad parent because I don't check for peanut crumbs every time I sit on the city bus?" kind of soul-searching that bothers me. The judgment.
If one wants to live in a world of peanut paranoia, go right ahead, but don't push your plethora of fears on the non-allergic world. If *we* think folks like that are hysterical, how will the non-allergic world ever come to accept that we have rational concerns to be dealt with?

Posted on: Mon, 05/13/2002 - 12:26pm
san103's picture
Joined: 03/27/2000 - 09:00

I've been around a while, sometimes more present than others. I plan to stick around.
If you knew me in person, you would know I usually say what I think, I am comfortable with disagreements, but I am not comfortable with intolerance of others.
Thank you to all for expressing your thoughts, sharing your experiences and letting us into each others sometimes stressful lives. A BIG thanks to those who are willing to be open to disagreement, and who don't try to always convince the other that the other is wrong.

Posted on: Mon, 05/13/2002 - 12:31pm
Lisa V's picture
Joined: 03/12/2002 - 09:00

Such a good, lively, thought provoking discussion! So many good points to ponder. Best wishes to all, Lisa

Posted on: Mon, 05/13/2002 - 1:47pm
Sue's picture
Joined: 02/13/1999 - 09:00

You posted > " [b]So for those that believe in keeping this allergy in "Perspective", stay.[/b] " <
Smack, Maybe you could provide us with the criteria you feel should be used for keeping the deadly peanut allergy in "perspective" so we will all know who you think should [b]stay[/b]. Knowing the guidelines will let everyone know what they can worry about, that is if we are chosen to stay.
Can't we all just get along?
Sue in Sunny Arizona
[This message has been edited by Sue (edited May 14, 2002).]

Posted on: Mon, 05/13/2002 - 3:08pm
anonymous's picture
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I don't post nearly as often as I would like to (just too darn busy), but I do want to add my two cents to this conversation, because I think it's an incredibly valuable one.
My personal thought is that "perspective" simply means that you are able to live without fear. Now that doesn't mean throwing caution to the wind...it just means that PA becomes something that you deal with almost instinctively. My son has asthma too, but it's just something we are aware of, not fearful of. Does that make sense?
I know that PA rears it's head in many ugly ways. I remember the instant migraine I got one morning walking into my son's daycare and seeing peanut butter and crackers set out on a table for the mid-morning snack. But the PA has finally become just something that we deal with, and not the ruling factor in our lives.
I don't want my son to define himself in any way by his asthma or his pa...they are just things he has to deal with, just like my husband has to deal with only having one arm. You take precautions, you make allowances, you do things a little differently...that's all.
I think it's terribly normal to have a very anxious and fearful first year after the pa has been diagnosed, and I think that any subsequent reaction is going to bring up those same feelings for a while. But if you find that the fear and the anxiety are the driving forces in your life, then perhaps your perspective is a little off. It's a normal reaction to stress, but not necessarily healthy.
I think that those of us who have been dealing with PA for a while really have an obligation to spend as much time here as possible and reassure those who haven't been dealing with it quite so long that we can survive this, and our children can survive this. I don't doubt that a lot of the fear is coming from those in the early stages of trying to cope, and I remember all too clearly how hard it was at first.

Posted on: Mon, 05/13/2002 - 4:04pm
ajas_folks's picture
Joined: 04/28/2000 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by Munchkin's Mom:
[b]I think that those of us who have been dealing with PA for a while really have an obligation to spend as much time here as possible and reassure those who haven't been dealing with it quite so long that we can survive this, and our children can survive this. I don't doubt that a lot of the fear is coming from those in the early stages of trying to cope, and I remember all too clearly how hard it was at first.
Yes!! And we (my DH & I) also feel that those of us who have been dealing with PA for a while also have an obligation to spend as much time here as possible so that we and all others who have dealt with PA for awhile DO NOT BECOME TOO COMFORTABLE OR COMPLACENT.
[This message has been edited by ajas_folks (edited May 14, 2002).]

Posted on: Mon, 05/13/2002 - 10:59pm
Marla H's picture
Joined: 02/26/2002 - 09:00

Just seconding what Cayley's Mom has been saying here. I have a hard time remembering now how I felt 10 years ago when we discovered my son's food allergies, and probably every parent/family goes through some stresses in making those adjustments the first few months. But I am here to say first, that food allergies are not, by any means, the worst thing that could happen to us, and second, that your kid's PA or whatever allergy should not become the defining part of their identity for friends, teachers, and family. Food-allergic children can travel, go camping, eat out, stay overnight with friends. Maybe some of your children are too young or the allergy is too recent to see this happen, but it will. I only reentered the boards recently when we went through blood testing, to find out if there was new information. I think that these boards are a good place to exchange information and to provide support and education for those who are very new to coping with allergies. One important thing those parents need to know is that allergies don't have to significantly limit their kids' lives or their family's life. BUT there's a line between seeking and offering support and whining that often gets crossed here, and I lose patience with some of the extremes to which well-intentioned parents are going. The thread topic says it all--we need to keep some perspective on this. I didn't mean to, but I guess I've delivered my own rant, so...

Posted on: Mon, 05/13/2002 - 11:06pm
river's picture
Joined: 07/15/1999 - 09:00

A lot of what affects attitudes on this board has to do with individual experience. Some parents who come here have gone through some very difficult situations and have found little community support. Some people on this board are lucky to be able to feel more secure because they are surrounded by people who care.
I cringe when I read words like "hysterical" used by some PA parents to describe others. No one can guess at what other parents go through every day. So what if someone's comfort zone is higher, (I'm overreactive because my son wears his epipen all the time at school, and the other PA child doesn't), or if someone needs to have a little breakdown on this site, (it's a message board not policy.) We can't start labelling each other or expecting that we should all think exactly the same way.
No other charity groups spend time bashing the people they claim to represent the way the anaphylactic groups have in the past. PA parents are to be passive, apologetic, and their kids should be ashamed of what they are. Let's hide those epi-belts! Those are the messages that come through for me. The National Peanut Board is definitely getting its monies worth.
This is my opinion and is not meant to flame anyone. I have the fullest respect for the writers of all the messages that have preceded this one---I just don't agree with some of what has been said. We're all in the same boat---why rock it!

Posted on: Mon, 05/13/2002 - 11:34pm
san103's picture
Joined: 03/27/2000 - 09:00

In defense of Smack, I know she asked those with "perspective" to stay, but she did not tell all others to leave. It was my sense that she simply did not want to lose those on the board who thought in a way she could relate to...and NOT that those who did not think like her should leave. If that is what she thought, I agree...I want people to stay, especially if their thoughts and comfort zones differ from what appears to be the norm. We need all the info we can get from one another.
I agree we should just all get along...respect our differences in opinion, and learn what we can from one another.
[This message has been edited by san103 (edited May 14, 2002).]

Posted on: Mon, 05/13/2002 - 11:40pm
san103's picture
Joined: 03/27/2000 - 09:00

Reading all this stuff made me think about all the religions in the world, and why so many religious denominations get so fractured into smaller groups. Humans can become so passionate about their beliefs, and being "right". Let's try to include everyone in these boards, and to do that we need to respect each member's opinion, and try not to attack their views.


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