social activities/field trips and snacks- venting

Posted on: Mon, 06/03/2002 - 6:31am
becca's picture
Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

pJust a vent. I am feeling so edgy and sad after a day with our playgroup. We all went to a beautiful state farm near our home with our toddlers. It, of course includes ice cream, made on the premises. Sometimes, I feel a bit sad that these places we go always seem to include a food part we cannot consume, but I always make it work by bringing safe treats. Our comfort zone allows our dd to go, but eat only our own safe foods. /p
pI get sad and frustrated when each time our closest neighbor friends again ask why or if dd can have things. I would like to hope and understand it is out of some sympathy for her, but she really knows nothing else and is so happy with her little cup of safe candy. She did not even care that she did not have ice cream. /p
pBut each time we do an activity like this, with the same group, we get the same questions about if she could have this or that because it does not have nuts. I, of course, use the opportunity to educate on cross-contamination. Today, I really felt like a couple of my friends kind of shrugged me off, like I am a whacko and being too restrictive. Like they ask because they hope I might lighten up on it. They already know the answers. Just a vibe. Maybe I am paranoid, but I just feel really sad after what should have been a fun day. People relly do not understand the constant stress that our children's life could be in danger from eating the wrong food. /p
pI think it is the perpetual stress of watching every minute to be sure a friend does not give a taste, or a nut is not on a dirty table, or the friend with a PB sandwich is not too close. We were just away at a fun park type place all weekend, so I think I am just a little weary from so much watchfulness! Just need a couple of restful days in our safe home! Thanks for reading. I just feel like really crying about his for the first time ever today and came for support. becca/p
p[This message has been edited by becca (edited June 03, 2002).]/p

Posted on: Mon, 06/03/2002 - 7:21am
Love my C's picture
Joined: 04/03/2002 - 09:00

Hi Becca,
From one "whacko" to another....You are doing a great job taking care of your daughter!!! You are protecting her based on all the knowledge you have acquired to do so. Your friends do not have all the info you do. You are not whacko or paranoid. I was so surprised when first dealing with this allergy how quickly people would forget that my son was allergic to peanuts, much less remember how serious it was. Now, I just excpect it. It's so true that the emotional stress can really do a number on us physically! I hope you have a restful and safe week! [img][/img]

Posted on: Mon, 06/03/2002 - 7:38am
becca's picture
Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I wrote this and bawled my eyes out for the first time since my dd has become allergic. I have always just done what needs to be done and remained tough. We have dealt with much more *known* serious illnesses and such in our family, so I *am* thankful for a healthy child. Here is where I can get total understanding.
I only ask and hope our family and friends learn to help us keep dd safe. Looking there for support is not always best, because that would have them seeing me hysterical on a rare occasion over what they think is a little thing. Then, they might not take me so seriously when I need them to pay attention to the important things.
Thankyou for your response. I simply needed a pat on the back. I am sure we all have these days. Do you all also feel like you have to be more tough emotionally, in order to have others take you more seriously when you teach them about safety re: the allergies? becca

Posted on: Mon, 06/03/2002 - 7:39am
becca's picture
Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

sorry. Double posted. becca
[This message has been edited by becca (edited June 03, 2002).]

Posted on: Mon, 06/03/2002 - 8:17am
Love my C's picture
Joined: 04/03/2002 - 09:00

Girl, you've been here for over a year and you've just now had your first cry over PA?! I would say you were overdue!
I sometimes get frustrated when someone will bring up my son's allergy, then I start to go into detail, seizing the opportunity that THEY presented, and then all of the sudden they change the topic as if they are bored or start talking about their allergies and how it gives them headaches [img][/img] (Sorry headache sufferers [img][/img] ) I'm finding that it takes consistency and matter of factness, just like teaching our children. And remembering that we can't make anyone get it. They have to want to.
I'm glad you shared, Becca. It helps others to know we are not alone with these feelings. [img][/img]

Posted on: Mon, 06/03/2002 - 9:34pm
anonymous's picture
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I, too, have those feelings about my PA son. Funny that I should log on and read your post...Last night JJ (eight) asked why the Ritz company puts peanuts in their sandwich crackers. His soccer team snack was Ritz Bitz Smores and of course he couldn't have it. I don't want to explain that it isn't made with peanuts but, may contain it. He is tired of not have yummy sounding foods. He can see the look of anticipation and joy on the other children's faces. This is the part that the other parents (people) seem to have the most difficulty comprehending. We spend all of our social time seemingly safeguarding our son at these events. I try not to take anything for granted. It is very stressful and tiring at times. Hang in there. Your "pat on the back" is well deserved.

Posted on: Tue, 06/04/2002 - 12:40am
margaret's picture
Joined: 11/01/2000 - 09:00

You took the words right out of my mouth. I had to leave a playdate just last week as soon as the pb crackers came out. I just couldn't bring myself to ask that they put away that day. I just made an excuse and quickly left. My child has multiple food allergies and snack time on outings or at playdates can be brutal. I try to keep my major freak outs to peanuts, since that seems to be my little ones most severe allergy. I just wanted to empathize with you.

Posted on: Wed, 10/02/2002 - 5:36am
becca's picture
Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Reraising to vent some more frustration. Playgroup again, and mother who I really *do* trust with my child. I really do bring up the allergy alot, becuase we are social in the neighborhood as well, and discuss issues about life, preschool and such. She has cared for my child, is very allergy aware in that she realizes that some kids cannot even smell PB. Even explained this to her child in the end of the scenario to follow(as she cleaned him up).
Well, our playgroup did a nature walk and my frind has her older dd along prior to afternoon school session. She needs to eat lunch. It is PB. The girl sits with it and I guess I am a bit use to dealing with this, and the girl is old enough to be neat, etc... I was thinking about how to nicely ask her to clean up well after(In the woods on nature walk, no less). I know she just forgot, and was not at the time responsible for my child. Was just in a hurry at home and threw together a quick lunch for her dd.
Well, 2y.o. brother grabs a quarter, opens it and eats it, walking around and PB is smeared all over his hands and face. This is the playgroup peer of my dd. I nicely drew it to my friends attention, and watched his proximity to dd like a hawk, my heart aflutter. I could smell it like I cannot believe, and we were outside. Again, I say, "could you be sure to keep him from **** he got into the sandwich." Then he is almost touching dd and he and my dd are kissing the cheek of another!!! They never kiss! Any of them! I cannot belive how fast all this close contact happend even being *very alert* to the danger. Yikes!
My friend finally jumped, realizing, OMG! Peanut Butter, like it suddenly dawned on her. I apologized for being so anxious but did not want an accident like this in the woods. She felt quite badly and cleaned him up as best she could with wipes, and maybe even deliberately hung back with him the rest of the way to keep a distance. She is soooo nice, really, she would be subtle but maybe really do that.
I just got so shaky for a bit. It just seemed so close a call, and in a tricky spot, but 10 mins. from the car, and I had 2 epis on me.
I am hoping, this taught them not to bring PB when we are along! I have done all the educating I can, and not exactly asked them not to pack it, but I do ask that it not be served if people sit for dd and only leave her alone when I know that is followed. I might have even excepted this friend because she is so attentive and clean otherwise, truly. This just made me really realize how uncontrollable this can be even when lots of parents are around and aware.
I am not mad, just discouraged. If this Mom does not get it nobody I know ever really will. I do have one friend who I think *really* does, and she expressed surprise that the other ever packed this lunch, knowing how aware she is generally. I was just really scared and shaky anxious for a bit. Gosh, I am sorry to go on. Just helps to vent and blow off the anxiety here sometimes! Thanks for listening. becca

Posted on: Fri, 10/04/2002 - 3:59am
SpudBerry's picture
Joined: 07/23/2002 - 09:00

I hate this peanut allergy thing. I just hate it. People just don't understand it, and I end up sounding like a raving lunatic. And that part really doesn't bother me nearly as much as the fact that I just can't ever relax about it.
A couple of weeks ago I met one of the Twin moms at the park. She brought a container of homemade chocolate chip cookies with walnuts. As she pulled them out of her bag, she said that she knew we were allergic to peanut, but walnut was OK right? I said - no - then explained the reasons the doctors had given us. She then proceeds to hand one of the cookies to Ben. I calmly walked up and took the cookie from him and asked her if she wanted me to give it to one of her kids or throw it away - that Ben wasn't allowed to eat it. She got all indignant and said - Well he's not allergic is he? So I reply with the question - and how many times do you let one of your twins eat something that might kill the other one? She dropped it.
Last night at our twins meeting she brought a big batch of brownies with walnuts all over them. Grrrrr!!!!! Everyone kind of sucked their breath in when they saw it, and immediately looked at me. I just smiled and took Michael outside to play with his father - reminding him that he couldn't eat the brownies, and that if he was good, I'd make him some safe brownies tomorrow. When Janice (the walnut lady) went outside, Bill (my hubby) went over and gave her a dose of it [img][/img]
So this morning, I called her. I tried to explain to her that I understood that she was trying to do something nice by bringing the treats, but that I just couldn't allow Michael to be some where that had something so poisonous to him around. She just snorts, that she couldn't believe that my husband & I were so over protective - she allows her children to eat anything they want. I try to once again explain that we didn't just pick this ailment out of the air - he has had a full blown reaction, ambulance ride, etc., she just isn't ever going to get it.
So then I had to get nasty - if she brought treats again that could kill my son, we would leave. "Kill your son! Don't they have medicines now that fix that up for you?" Grrrr!!!!!!
On a brighter note - I found non candy treats for Halloween at Target yesterday. There were several different kinds of little sticker boxes & tattoos! Yay! I'll end up making something home made for the neighbors we know, but at least I can have something in the house to give out that I won't eat, and won't endanger Michael.

Posted on: Fri, 10/04/2002 - 4:50am
becca's picture
Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

WOW. That is really the hardest, and I have yet to have such direct and blatent resitence or confrontation. That is just so direspectful. It is one thing to forget, and say(as my friend did), "OH! The nuts or PB" or such, and take action. She really did feel bad, and if not simply is respectful of my situation. However, I find these ones who are, have some contact with a food or allergy or astham issue. This mom has an autistic nephew and reads about diet stuff for that, and is health minded and does not give her kids much junk. She just forgto. I cannot expect my child's issues to be as present in her mind as they are in mine, but hope for resect and caution if I say something, you know. You sure did not get that. Very rude and it really hurts.
<<>> Good for you guys for communicating and not walking away. I fear I let some things go to avoid the conflicts and use a more passive-agressive approach at times. It is so hard. becca

Posted on: Fri, 10/04/2002 - 6:40am
SF's picture
Joined: 06/06/2002 - 09:00

SpudBerry: sorry to hear about your experience, been there done that , and it is not fun! I applaud you for your strength and for your ability to let this person know how you feel in order to protect your child and keep him safe! I have come across many different types of people and continue to learn how to handle these tough situations concerning PA.
On another note, I love the idea of the Halloween stickers and tattoos that you purchased at Target! What is the company that makes these? What department of Target did you find them? I posted about Crayola Halloween crayon packs a few days ago and love the idea of non food treats!

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