Relatives - do they eat Peanut stuff in front of the PA person?

Posted on: Tue, 10/16/2001 - 11:29am
momma2rac's picture
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Joined: 03/03/2000 - 09:00

we spent this w/e with my MIL. The very first resturant we went to I went through my usual stuff and then ordered DS a hot dog and fries. Made sure they got it that they couldnt touch peanut products etc.
Then my MIL ordered Snickers Pie. WHAT? I told her she better wash up very well etc. The waitress even came back and said you know that has peanuts in it.. she said yes I know its for me.
It upset me but i didnt say anything. I am making it mean that her snickers pie was more important than my DS. He understands he cant eat peanut etc. (he is almost 3) but I find this selfish and rude. I think I will get an honest answer here if you think I am over reacting.
How do you handle this type of situation?

Posted on: Tue, 10/16/2001 - 12:34pm
jrizos's picture
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Joined: 05/30/2000 - 09:00

I would have said something to her if you have an honest healthy friendship with her. If she does not respect Your decisions not to have peanut around your child at a young age then avoid eating with her. I have experienced similar situations but I have not been able to say anything to my mol because of numerous reasons. I have chosen to avoid seeing her. It is better for me and my children.

Posted on: Tue, 10/16/2001 - 12:58pm
momma2rac's picture
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we only see her a few times of the year. I think I was so surprised and I thought she might get it when I reacted to what she ordered and told her she needed to be very careful around him etc. I also think she has to be right about EVERYTHING so couldnt not order it.
I also think DH could have said something.

Posted on: Wed, 10/17/2001 - 3:05am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Boy can I relate to MIL problems. I had a good enough relationship with my parents that I could ask them not to eat any peanut products in front of my son. As a matter of fact they were so supportive that they cleared their home of any peanut products, and we only visit there like every three months.
My MIL is another story. She is getting better, but it took a few years. It took us leaving her house in the middle of a picnic that she was having because she served peanut products, and all of the other kids were eating them and touching the toys.
I do not think that you are over re-acting. (I didn't sleep for two nights after the picnic incident.) After you went through all of the trouble of checking things with the restaurant, I think that your MIL should have been supportive. I mean how does it look to the restaurant staff if someone at your table ordered something with peanuts in it after you made sure that there was no peanut products in anything. Plus, there is the airborne and contact sensitive issue. What if your child become airborne sensitive right at the restaurant?
I know that this is a long-winded reply, but I obviously had alot of thoughts on the subject. I would definitely speak to her. And, yes, your husband should either back you up or better yet, lead the discussion. I know that it was really tough for my husband to confront his own mother, but once he saw the importance of the issue, he did.
Good luck!

Posted on: Wed, 10/17/2001 - 3:12am
JasonAndJoeysMom's picture
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Joined: 10/15/2001 - 09:00

MIL keeps bowls of nuts out on coffee tables during her parties, even though she KNOWS Jason is allergic to peanuts and tree nuts. She says, "Oh, I'll make sure that he doesn't get any", but she has these bowls of nuts in 3 different rooms! She can't be everywhere at once, and Jason is known for sneaking food when people aren't looking.
I can tell that she and I are going to have more issues during this coming holiday season.
Cheryl

Posted on: Wed, 10/17/2001 - 10:08am
Claire's picture
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Joined: 04/19/2000 - 09:00

Hello, you know what My family has given up any nut products for 15 years just for my Christopher. I was thinking today I need to throw a Thank you party for them just because they have been so wonderful in showing their love for my son. We have a huge family and when they have done what they have even having their own children go without they deserve a party. A safe party but a thank you.
I have been so fortunate in knowing my family loves him so much. My niece takes great care of Chris and she is only 17,but I mean all her life she has been this way.
My FIL is another story! He has no understanding and will not be part of this party unless things were to change in a hurry. The hold off on this party is that I want my family and his to get along and to have the party they would wonder and feel odd. WELL I Guess They Should.
Best wishes. NO Momma2rac your not over reacting. One peanut can kill our precious babies and one piece of pie will be there next time she eats out without you!!!
Claire

Posted on: Wed, 10/17/2001 - 9:36pm
momma2rac's picture
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Joined: 03/03/2000 - 09:00

i was thinking that before we eat together again either here or there saying to her something like this. "it is pretty stressful to me when we eat in a resturant" "trying to make sure they really get the importance of being careful etc" " when you order something like snicker pie with peanuts in it, it negates the importance of what i am asking them to do"
something like that anyway.
thanks!

Posted on: Wed, 10/17/2001 - 10:57pm
Claire's picture
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Joined: 04/19/2000 - 09:00

Just keep it in your heads that without us sticking up for our children at the young ages they will not learn to do so when they get older. They learn how to handle this allergy completly through our teaching them. I always made sure that if it bothered me and had to do with the nuts I spoke out right in front of Chris because I want him to do the same. At 15 he speaks for himself and learned throughout the years. claire

Posted on: Thu, 10/18/2001 - 8:49am
torontosue's picture
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Joined: 06/08/2001 - 09:00

Well, if I were the one sitting there I DEFINITELY would be saying something to this woman! Taran reacts to smell, so he wouldn't be at the same table as this person. If she didn't "get it" and said she was ordering it anyway, I would get up and take my child and leave.
I have unfortunately had to do this at many family parties, as dh has one aunt that totally does not get it, she always claims to "forget" and although the food may be safe, the desserts never are.
(We don't visit her much anymore, unfortunately still run into her at other family events)

Posted on: Fri, 10/19/2001 - 11:14am
Carefulmom's picture
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Joined: 01/03/2002 - 09:00

As I see it, this is a non-negotiable, non-compromisable issue. Our number one job as parents is to keep our children safe. I am anticipating a problem at Thanksgiving. Our family is dining in a restaurant this year, and I have already emailed ahead to see if peanuts will be used in the Thanksgiving dinner. If so, we won`t be going. I had a similar incident about a birthday party. Tomorrow, my 6 year old PA daughter`s best friend is having a birthday party. When I RSVP, I usually say, "We`d love to come, but if you are serving anything with peanuts it would not be safe for my child to come, and we would not be able to come." Ususally, they call back and say there will be no peanuts. However, my daughter`s best friend`s mom called back and said they are having ice cream with peanuts. I said we would not be coming. She was furious. She seemed to think that because our kids are best friends, I would bend the rules. I told her that if we came and people ate peanuts, my child could have a reaction. I think that is what you should tell your relatives. Or you can blame it on the doctor, and say your child`s doctor says if anyone orders peanuts, you must leave. The relatives are never going to call the doctor, and besides, if you did ask your doctor, that is what most allergists would say. Another thing I point out is the number of airlines which have banned peanuts. The reason for that is the number of reactions which have occurred because of inhalation. If the airlines were only having reactions due to PA passengers eating peanuts, they would simply offer a choice of snacks. However, this is not the case. There have been many reactions on airplanes from passengers inhaling peanuts. Why take the chance with your child? I know I am long-winded, but I just want to emphasize that the insensitivity to your child of eating peanuts around him is something people may never see. You have to tell them that if they eat peanuts around him he could have a life-threatening reaction. You will have a few people angry at you, but you are doing the right (and safe) thing.

Posted on: Fri, 10/19/2001 - 12:52pm
Carefulmom's picture
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Joined: 01/03/2002 - 09:00

Another piece of advice: Some people are into control such as my daughter`s best friend`s mother (ref. my previous email). They have to control everything, and somehow they can`t see past their need to control and "win" to look at safety. What I do with people like that is only subject myself to one discussion with them about the issue of eating peanuts around my child. After that, I take control and either turn down their invitation or if we are already there, we leave. Leaving and turning down invitations makes a much stronger statement than trying to reason with them about how unsafe it is for your child or how rude it is.

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