Really hating her PA

Posted on: Sat, 02/04/2006 - 11:24am
Galette's picture
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Joined: 05/26/2004 - 09:00

Hi everyone,

My daughter started last year in 1st grade really hating her PA and tree nut allergy. She feels it makes her different.

It's funny because in 2004 I sent a letter to Philly Swirl for her to get a Rising Star Award. The letter stated how good she was with her allergy and that she would say to me "I don't care if I can't have their cake Mama I just want to go to the party and have fun.

Well that's gone. I am so depressed about it. Now it seems if there are 10 things she can have and one she can't; "it's not fair". What happened? I hope it is a phase, but I don't think so. How can I help her? She's always been more of a type of kid that overcomes these exact obstacles. I'm really worried about her. She's very angry.

I wish there was a way to introduce her to other PA kids. She thinks she is the only one, even thow I tell her there are at least that I know about in her school (but not by name) and it figures she actually had one in her class last year who was allowed to eat things my daughter would never. (ahah!! could this have been the start of it with her)? I talked to this girls mother (one of those small world incidences) 2 or 3 months after my daughter was telling me about this girl with PA being allowed to eat certain things I can't. The mother was a real flake. Doesn't even have an epi-pen for the child in the school. No er plan with the school. Not even benedryl. I went only as far as telling the mother that each incident could mean a worse incident the next time. She told me she knew because it happened already. The little girl ate something at the bake sale and ended up at the nurses office. Had to wait for the mother to arive 1/2 hr. later which by then the girl was having difficulty breathing. Which she told me she never did before. She was mad at the nurse at the school for not giving her anything. But she only had other kids medicine. I asked if she was going to get an epi now she said well she's not that allergic. But maybe I'll talk to the doctor about it. Poor kid!!

I told my daughter all about what I found out about this little girl. It didn't help. Anyway I was just wondering if any of you have the angry about my allergy syndrome with any of your little ones. If so did it go away or stay?

Thanks and stay safe,
Galette

Posted on: Sat, 02/04/2006 - 11:58am
Lindajo's picture
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Joined: 10/14/2003 - 09:00

She's starting early. My DD is 10 and in the 5th grade and is going through the same thing. I must hear on a daily basis how she hates her PA. She does know a few other girls her age with PA, one she dances with. She said her Mom lets her do more things than I do. I tried to explain everyone's comfort zones and its not always the same for everyone. She's really worried about going to middle school next year and told me she does not want to be responsible for her Epis. She gets mad at me when she has to take them to a friend's house with her. She also blames me sometimes for her PA. I understand her not wanting to feel different. But I really try not to single her out of anything.
I try to point out other kids she knows who have a more difficult life. I always tell her about the strength of one girl in her dance class. She's 10 also, but she literally has died (cardiac arrest, according to her Mom) about 10 times. She now has a defibrilator in her chest and she's also deaf. But, she's a wonderful girl, very smart and can really dance! I point out all her challenges to her.
I'm sorry I don't know what to suggest. I thought it might be helpful to know that my DD is going through the same thing right now.

Posted on: Sat, 02/04/2006 - 12:04pm
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I don't know how to help, really, other than to say that we are also experiencing some of those issues. Our daughter is the same age and the last straw for her was the re-emergence of a dairy allergy that is not terribly severe (just hives and awful eczemic flares) but is fairly sensitive (so traces set it off and it is getting worse... She was a total cheese junkie and her dad has a moderately severe soy allergy, which means that many of the substitutes just aren't going to happen at our house. And she feel so isolated from other kids in so many ways... we try to emphasize to her that many children have her problems and that they could certainly be a lot worse... but it isn't easy to hear those things as an ADULT in the midst of a pity party either... so at six, what are the odds, right? LOL
She is very cranky over this...really embittered, almost. We have done just two things, since there is very little else we CAN do as parents.
1. We've tried to open horizons for her culinarily speaking. We recently tried sunbutter, for example, which she likes and it makes her feel like she knows what she's missing and it isn't really SOOOO great, KWIM?
2. We've contacted other parents off the boards and made some pen-pal contacts with similarly aged kids from here.
If you think that your daughter would like something like that, I'm sure there are others who would be interested. Maybe even an older child or a young adult "buddy" with severe FA. You can always contact us, too... (this is also a Homeschool writing thing for my daughter, so the more the merrier as far as we're concerned).
I don't know if that helps any... it kind of helps me to hear your story, actually, since now I have some hope that this biting, cynical little girl isn't a permanent transformation. I hope.
[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Sat, 02/04/2006 - 9:04pm
pixiegirl's picture
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Joined: 09/11/2005 - 09:00

Oh I feel like this is like the terrible two's or hormonal adolecents... my daughter is 14 and we've gone thru this at least a million times. Without a doubt its hard being different and its harder for kids. I think all you can do is be supportive, lots of love and lots of hugs.
My daughter just found out that like me she has Celiac disease too which means no gluten (no wheat, rye, oats or barley), that means no bread, pizza, cookies, no flour of any sort. So I'm sure we are going to go through it with this too.
I have both PA (just diagnosed and fairly mild) and Celiac so I'm able to relate to my daughter (who is PA and TNA so severly that she has airborne reactions often) we just say how crummy it is that this happened and go on to explore other foods.
Good luck, Susan

Posted on: Sun, 02/05/2006 - 12:58am
Galette's picture
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Joined: 05/26/2004 - 09:00

Thanks alot everyone,
I cannot believe how depressed I am. I have never felt this way before. I am always strong and I am not now.
I am worried about her. She is so cranky putting it mildly almost all of the time. Sometimes when she is her sweet self I remind myself to savour the moment because I know it can change momentarily. I even feel a bit of guilt writting this. But I am trying not to.
I think she does blame me too. Why? Just someone to take it out on?
When ever I tell her she can't do something whether it's to late to turn t.v. on or you can't color now you need to get dressed... she has a big hissy fit as if as soon as she hears she can't it flips her out. Could it be when she cannot do something it reminds her of her allergy - ya know can't eat certain things. I try not to use the word can't. I might say not now stuff like that.
I will ask her about e-mail pen pals w/other pa children. I don't even know if she will want to.
But I know this, there is something deeply bothering my angel. I will get to the bottom of this attitude that is definetely getting worse FAST. That's what is so scarry too. She really got worse fast. She has tantrums over everything it's like the terrible 2's all over again. So much anger. Maybe I should just ignore it all. Be happy. Yeahh right.
Thanks everyone and stay safe and mentally healthy,
Galette

Posted on: Sun, 02/05/2006 - 4:33am
pixiegirl's picture
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Joined: 09/11/2005 - 09:00

Kids need to come with an instruction booklet, its so hard to know what the right thing to do is! Again my daughter is 14 and she still pitches hissy fits and for the most part I do ignore it.
Growing up is hard and when you have health problems or allergies, whatever.... its that much harder. I really think these are all stages that they go thru, its part of growing up. Its not easy to weather them out thats for sure.
Since you said you are depressed, maybe you need to take a bit of time out for yourself. I don't know your circumstances but going to visit a friend, shopping (even window shopping and lunch out makes me feel better), a half day at the spa, a walk on the beach, some thats just for you might help you to get refreshed.
Maybe your daughter could use a change of scenery too, a trip to the local children's museum and a stop at McDonalds. Also keep in mind that some kids are good whiners and good at figuring out (re: manipulating) their parents. I'm a single parent of an only child and she has made it her vocation to learn how to push my buttons. She's a good whiner too! (but really all in all a lovely caring child).
Maybe its because I'm an older parent that I've learn to live and let live and to ride out her stages.
Best, Susan

Posted on: Sun, 02/05/2006 - 11:03am
toomanynuts's picture
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Joined: 08/23/2003 - 09:00

You can be compassionate with her about her allergy and find her comparable foods at the same time teaching her to manage her emotions and to treat others kindly. Try redirecting her energy to more positive experiences and not all the focus going to her allergy. My dd has many allergies and it can be hard but there is more than allergies in their world and you just need to direct toward the positive things. Get her more involved. Sometimes a friend helps but sometimes regardless of them being allergic or not that is not always the issue. Train her now to handle it in a gentle way and help her to have other options. Its tricky but worth the effort.
toomanynuts

Posted on: Sun, 02/05/2006 - 11:10am
Daisy's picture
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Joined: 01/16/2006 - 09:00

Galette,
Your daughter is perfectly normal! My allergy-free daughter (age 9) has been acting like a teenager for at least 2 years now.(I'm the one with the allergies.)
She says she *doesn't fit in*, the other kids don't like her, or she had her *worst day of school, ever*. Of course, the next day she loves school, has great friends and *just had the best day ever in her whole life*! Hormones this early? I hope not!
In speaking with several friends with kids in the same class, it seems to be status quo. I just don't remember doing this until at least 5th grade or even Jr High.
I think PA may be your DD's, but if not this, it would likely be something else.
Hope this helps!?!
Daisy

Posted on: Sun, 02/05/2006 - 11:53am
Galette's picture
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Joined: 05/26/2004 - 09:00

Thanks again you guys,
I'm telling you I have never been this way. I will ride it out. It's all I could do.
There are a few things in her life that are upsetting her. We had a long talk tonight and she expressed things to me that I knew were bothering her but at the same time you think maybe your wrong. If I brought them up to her I worry I'll first plant a seed, you know. But I should know better than to doubt intuition.
But it's good she opened up and talked to me about them. I also relize that eventually she will have to chose between being happy or sad. I will just have to wait. I want to say I know she will come around, Although I may be feeling better (with thanks to you all)I will throw in I HOPE.
She is a great little girl I just miss her usuall way. I may be feeling bad for the two of us. And you know what I need to be my usuall self too. (an apiphany right here on PA)
Stay safe everyone,
Galette

Posted on: Mon, 02/06/2006 - 9:05pm
Tom's picture
Tom
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Joined: 01/22/2006 - 09:00

My problems with PA weren't as much a big deal for me as a kid as eczema problems were. I had a lot of break outs, which caused pain and I just couldn't do a lot of things. I resented that, because I wasn't like the normal kids that could do anything, and the eczema held me back.
PA didn't affect me that way because I didn't let it. Other than being careful about what I ate, my mother didn't go crazy about PA. I did the things that a normal kid did, and PA didn't really hold me back. My mom didn't go crazy trying to micromanage my life and stop me from doing normal kid things. So I never resented the PA like I did eczema.
Thankfully I outgrew the eczema, and I learned to live a normal life while dealing with PA. And I think I have my mom to thank for that because she didn't over protect and allowed me to learn to live and deal with PA every day. I think maybe that's where my attitude of personal responsibility came from. She never over imposed on others, or tried to make it everyone else's job to keep me nut free. She made it my job to stay away from nuts, and I learned to deal with a peanut prevalent society while doing the same things most kids were able to do. It meant I couldn't always eat the brownies everyone else was eating, but it was also good training for life as an adult.
[This message has been edited by Tom (edited February 07, 2006).]

Posted on: Sat, 02/04/2006 - 11:58am
Lindajo's picture
Offline
Joined: 10/14/2003 - 09:00

She's starting early. My DD is 10 and in the 5th grade and is going through the same thing. I must hear on a daily basis how she hates her PA. She does know a few other girls her age with PA, one she dances with. She said her Mom lets her do more things than I do. I tried to explain everyone's comfort zones and its not always the same for everyone. She's really worried about going to middle school next year and told me she does not want to be responsible for her Epis. She gets mad at me when she has to take them to a friend's house with her. She also blames me sometimes for her PA. I understand her not wanting to feel different. But I really try not to single her out of anything.
I try to point out other kids she knows who have a more difficult life. I always tell her about the strength of one girl in her dance class. She's 10 also, but she literally has died (cardiac arrest, according to her Mom) about 10 times. She now has a defibrilator in her chest and she's also deaf. But, she's a wonderful girl, very smart and can really dance! I point out all her challenges to her.
I'm sorry I don't know what to suggest. I thought it might be helpful to know that my DD is going through the same thing right now.

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