preschool problems

Posted on: Wed, 01/08/2003 - 11:44pm
esmom's picture
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Joined: 07/25/2001 - 09:00

Its my 4 year old first year of preschool and she seem to love at first but now she does not want to go... Today when I made her go she was trying to find someone to play with and this one girl seems to be the one
everyone wants to play( she does not seem to want to want to play with my daughter) I felt so bad for her I hate to say it but it seemed like no one wanted to play with her (which breaks my heart!!!) Shes cute, friendly and loves to play with everyone. I have hinted around to the teacher but she says everything seems fine. I want to pull her out she is such a nice kid I don't want her to feel bad about herself. Any ideas? I realize you can not force kids to play and I don't want to come off as a mom thats a pain.
I want ot pull her out of school and try agian next year but my husband says NO.

Posted on: Thu, 01/09/2003 - 12:52am
wood145's picture
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Joined: 09/10/2001 - 09:00

Hi, I'm sorry your daughter is having a hard time at preschool, it is so hard to see them go through that. You didn't say how long it's been that she doesn't want to go. I have found that all children go through phases where they don't want to do something they used to enjoy. If this is a recent and not a long term problem I would continue to send her to preschool, she's probably fine once you leave. It she hasn't been happy there for a long time, schedule some time to talk to the teacher and find out how she is in class and with the other children. You might also want to set up a playdate with a classmate of hers. Good luck!
Karen

Posted on: Thu, 01/09/2003 - 1:03am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

How sad for you to see and for your dd. Is this her first interaction with a larger and lesser know group of friends? I noticed my dd was shy for a long time, but gradually learned to get into the thick of it with other kids as time goes by. It is still hard. She is 3 and this is her first year of preschool. I expected what is happening with your dd, because my dd tends to hang back and watch, and I feel like if she makes a suggestion, nobody hears her. I have also been told that she will "choose" to not participate in crafts, but "prefers" to play alone at times. I know she is afraid to elbow in with the other 5 kids at the table. The teacher said she was getting to know everyone then would push her more after the new year.
I know it is like pulling teeth to get information from my dd! But, anyway, I do see her gradually making strides at initiating play and being heard, but still will sort of find one child to sit and play with or hold hands with. She's just a one on one kind of gal , like Mom, I think! It crushes her feelings terrible to "share" her best friend and little boy crush with the rest of playgroup and we have many tears someday because he runs off with other kids.
I think you should let her work through it if there are not major signs of emotional stress. It is a part of finding our place in the world and learning to socialize. However, maybe you could have a more formal sit down chat with the teacher to voice your concerns and be sure she is okay. Becca

Posted on: Thu, 01/09/2003 - 1:52am
esmom's picture
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Joined: 07/25/2001 - 09:00

Thanks for your input, it's hard to let them find there way... i am also feeling bad about the PA thing, i think I try to make things better for her because I can't change that(does that sound crazy?)

Posted on: Thu, 01/09/2003 - 4:31am
darthcleo's picture
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Joined: 11/08/2000 - 09:00

I went through all that with my now 5 years old. He started preschool/daycare at 2 1/2 till 4 and a bit. He never did find his stride there.
When I asked the daycare for an official review of his stay there to give to the psychologist (we were looking for a school derogation to have him start a year earlier - he misses the cutoff date by 2 weeks), the review I got from the daycare broke my heart. It painted a very sad situation, about a kid that no one wanted to play with and wanted to play with no one either. Yet the caregiver (who's the one who did the report) kept telling me all was fine and that he was doing great!
I no longer trust daycare, let me tell you

Posted on: Thu, 01/09/2003 - 5:20am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Darthcleo, how awful. Your poor son. Is he doing better now? To think of the sad times he had. I do know my dd is very happy, if not always participating. She wants to go to school and even after winter break, got right up and we went right into school. She was looking forward to seeing her friends. I think in my situation, it is her that does choose to be alone, but because it is safer than taking the risk. She is also edging her way in as well. I think having no siblings(not sure about yours in you situations) makes my dd just immature and inexperienced in knowing how to work her way into a group. She is great on the playground, where all are free and roaming without structure.
How about your situations? Are there times when things are great, then other situations where there is a problem? Just wondering. Maybe trying to hone in on it can help you use it in role playing games and such to address it indirectly. This has helped us deal with sharing or general fighting among her closer friends!
I hope it all works out. I hope you do not have a situation like darthcleo. So sad. I hope he is thriving now. becca

Posted on: Thu, 01/09/2003 - 6:44am
California Mom's picture
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Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

My heart goes out to you - it's so hard to see our kids suffer socially! When my daughter was in the four year old class at pre-school she just had one little friend in her class. All the other girls had known each other longer and seemed to have a little "clique". It sounds crazy but I swear it's true! I tried to schedule play dates with other girls from the class so she could develop friendships. It was a little awkward because I felt that it was "one sided" with me doing all the calling. I'm still not sure what went wrong that year. The following year she made a very nice group of friends in kindergarten. She stayed friends with those girls in first grade, but didn't make any new friends in her class. This year - second grade - she is at a new school (we moved) and has made friends. I always worry about her because she doesn't have the easiest personality to get along with. She can be rather bossy and inflexible, sometimes. She is certainly better with kids than she is with her parents, however, thank goodness!
I agree with the advice to talk with the teacher and share your concerns. If you think it's a good preschool I would try and keep her there. Also, maybe you would have greater success with the play date idea than I did. I think that it does help kids to get to know each other outside of school.
I know what you mean about the pa: I would probably be a bit emotionally over protective any how, but the pa does add another component. We truly do need to protect our kids more than some other parents do, so it can be harder (probably) for us to feel as though they are "suffering" in some way.
Good luck! Miriam

Posted on: Thu, 01/09/2003 - 12:21pm
darthcleo's picture
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Joined: 11/08/2000 - 09:00

Thanks Becca for the concern about my son. He's doing great now. He's really a great kid and we have very few problems with him. He does have a younger sister, so he's not alone at home, and there are plenty of kids on the street, including another boy born 2 weeks before him.
It took him about 6 months to " recover" from the daycare experience, but the changes were drastic. Based on that experience, and the fact that derogation was refused because he doesn't draw properly and it will impact his writing skills, we' ve decided to homeschool. You should have seen the smile on his face when he learned he would not have to go into the school recreation area!! As for the drawing skills impacting his writing, that's what the test said, but the fact that he WROTE his name and a title for his drawing in quite nice letters for a 4 year old (at the time) wasn't taken into account. It just served to kill the last bit of trust we had in the school system.
And of course, we don't have to worry about a peanut-free area, and angry parents, and .. well, you all know what I'm talking about :-)
Based on my experience, keeping kids at home is a valid solution.

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