people are just dumb!

Posted on: Sun, 02/17/2008 - 10:44pm
ctmartin's picture
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Joined: 07/30/2007 - 09:00

i'm sorry for the rant, but even if my daughter were not PA i would question why someone has to give their kid a messy PB&J sandwich while on a swing at a public playground. i mean, can't the kid do one or the other ... eat at the tables or swing? like other kids (PA or not) really want to deal with his mess! (and no, they did not wipe down the swing).

on another note, i had my first uncomfortable experience with a "friend" concerning my daughter's PA. one thing about PA, it teaches you something new about yourself every day. i am usually the type of person that hates to "put people out"," but am realizing that i am going to have to change if i want to keep my daughter safe.

last week we invited my friend, her husband and her daughter to disney with us (we had free passes and wanted to treat them). i do not know this friend that well, as our friendship is just starting, but i did post about her awhile back b/c her daughter had a birthday party and she was serving cashew butter. she decided against it so that we could attend.

so, of course, i thought she "got it." wrong! we stopped to eat and, since she is trying to raise her daughter vegetarian (even though she is off the charts underweight ... go figure!!), did not see anything on the menu that she could eat except ... yep, you guessed it, PB&J. well, b/c it's disney, at least it's an uncrustable (or we wouldn't have even been eating there), but i just stood there with my jaw dropped, in panic mode. i could not believe it!!!

finally, i said to her, if you are going to order that for your daughter, we will have to sit at another table. she said ok. huh? i was also thinking we would have to get another stroller (the girls are 2 and they were sharing a double together) and i knew that i would be wincing every time her daughter touched mine for the rest of the night ... even if she had cleaned her thouroughly.

well, while i was looking for a table, she came back and said she had changed her order. i was relieved, to say the least, but for me it still put a damper on the evening. some might argue that maybe she forgot, but it didn't seem that way and she seemed a little put out when i told her we would have to sit elsewhere. i spent the entire meal intermittantly irritated and obsessing on whether her vegetarian daughter was getting enough to eat (she had carrots, french fries and yougurt).

the worst part was when, after she told me she cancelled her order, she asked (even though i've told her the story) "what would happen to your daughter again?" um, she *might* stop breathing!!!! and boy, wouldn't that put a damper on our little outing to disney ...

why is it so hard for people to GET THIS??

Posted on: Sun, 02/17/2008 - 11:13pm
Mrsdocrse's picture
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Joined: 01/16/2007 - 09:00

I am sorry that you had this experience... I can understand your frustration. I have come to realize that my child's allergy is not in the forefront of the rest of the worlds mind.... I do not mean that sarcastically but it is just the truth. For others who do not have to deal with this issue everyday it is a just not something that they have ANY time thinking about. they tink about the statemtn that you make.. and that is it. it leaves thier mind because it does't effect THIER child so it is not an issue. does that make sense? But I do agree that she was insenstive to say the least.
when my DS was little and I was looking for day care, I asked around about possible places to put him. My friend from work suggested that her day care was great ect ect... then she said.. I hope you don't go there cause all my son will eat is PB &J .. I would have nothing to feed MY son.
that comment hurt.
Hope your friend will remeber the incident that you had and be more conscious of it next time you do something together
Therese

Posted on: Mon, 02/18/2008 - 12:31am
blsdmom's picture
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Joined: 02/05/2008 - 20:01

Hi,
Sorry you had to go through all that while trying to enjoy a day at Disney. I've experienced MANY comments from others which were outrageous to just plain rude. The bottom line is that no one will completely understand the stress/anxiety you are going through with your child's allergy unless they are in a similar situation. And even then you may find that another parent of an allergic child is not as aware or conscientious as you are.
The important thing is for you to stay alert and educated. You can't expect others to fully understand the lifestyle we have as parents of allergic children. They are not living it everyday or reading labels constantly. People gain understanding through experience so unless they are with you most of the time as you are calling ahead to check if PB is being served or if they are reading labels with you as you grocery shop, you need to realize your friends/others are only capable of understanding what they experience.
I don't want this to sound like a lecture, I've been through a lot of emotional heartache concerning my children's allergies over the past 4 years. I just want to share my thoughts hoping it will help you and give you some insight.
Take care,
Blessed Mom

Posted on: Mon, 02/18/2008 - 5:23am
ctmartin's picture
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Joined: 07/30/2007 - 09:00

thanks to both of you for your responses! it sure does help to have people who can relate, and a place to vent your frustrations!!
i do understand that my daughter's allergy may not be at the forefront of everyone's mind. i guess what bothered me was not so much that she forgot, but her attitude when i reminded her. she seemed put out, and that is what annoyed me most. i would expect that if someone forgot, they might say, "oops! i forgot that we can't have PB&J around your daughter," and that would be the end of it. however, it wasn't until i told her that we couldn't sit at the same table (and the implications of that sank in) that she relented (which leads me to believe it wasn't a case of her just forgetting). and it's not like i was fussing over a may contain ... it was PB&J for GOD'S SAKE! no label reading experience necessary there!!
i guess it boils down to that envy that some (most? maybe all?) PA parents have ... for our friends this minor inconvenience is one meal, of one day, of one week, of one month, of one year, etc etc. wow, i wish it were MY CHOICE to restrict my daughter's diet like she has in choosing vegetarianism for her daughter, rather than having a major diet restriction due to necessity!!!
as has been written here before, PA really helps you know who your friends are. not that i plan to write this woman off, but i will definitely proceed with caution.
thanks again.

Posted on: Tue, 02/19/2008 - 3:42am
lakeswimr's picture
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Joined: 02/01/2007 - 09:00

That does sound very frustrating! But she changed her order! That's good. :) I have a friend locally who I almost wrote off on our very first meeting and then almost wrote off again when it seemed she really, really wanted to bake this thing with nuts for the school party which was to be nut/peanut and sesame-free. But turned out she is a *great* friend and she now does *really*, *really* get it! So, I would not cut the friendship. It could turn out wonderful. I know what you mean, though, and would have felt very similarly. Maybe you can find some other FA families to be friends with, too? Having other families who do absolutely get it helps me a lot.
Best wishes!

Posted on: Tue, 02/19/2008 - 9:47am
Mrsdocrse's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/16/2007 - 09:00

I BTW do agree that people are just dumb! your right PB & J is kind of an " in your face kind of mistake"
HOpe the next time is better!
Therese

Posted on: Sun, 02/17/2008 - 11:13pm
Mrsdocrse's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/16/2007 - 09:00

I am sorry that you had this experience... I can understand your frustration. I have come to realize that my child's allergy is not in the forefront of the rest of the worlds mind.... I do not mean that sarcastically but it is just the truth. For others who do not have to deal with this issue everyday it is a just not something that they have ANY time thinking about. they tink about the statemtn that you make.. and that is it. it leaves thier mind because it does't effect THIER child so it is not an issue. does that make sense? But I do agree that she was insenstive to say the least.
when my DS was little and I was looking for day care, I asked around about possible places to put him. My friend from work suggested that her day care was great ect ect... then she said.. I hope you don't go there cause all my son will eat is PB &J .. I would have nothing to feed MY son.
that comment hurt.
Hope your friend will remeber the incident that you had and be more conscious of it next time you do something together
Therese

Posted on: Mon, 02/18/2008 - 12:31am
blsdmom's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/05/2008 - 20:01

Hi,
Sorry you had to go through all that while trying to enjoy a day at Disney. I've experienced MANY comments from others which were outrageous to just plain rude. The bottom line is that no one will completely understand the stress/anxiety you are going through with your child's allergy unless they are in a similar situation. And even then you may find that another parent of an allergic child is not as aware or conscientious as you are.
The important thing is for you to stay alert and educated. You can't expect others to fully understand the lifestyle we have as parents of allergic children. They are not living it everyday or reading labels constantly. People gain understanding through experience so unless they are with you most of the time as you are calling ahead to check if PB is being served or if they are reading labels with you as you grocery shop, you need to realize your friends/others are only capable of understanding what they experience.
I don't want this to sound like a lecture, I've been through a lot of emotional heartache concerning my children's allergies over the past 4 years. I just want to share my thoughts hoping it will help you and give you some insight.
Take care,
Blessed Mom

Posted on: Mon, 02/18/2008 - 5:23am
ctmartin's picture
Offline
Joined: 07/30/2007 - 09:00

thanks to both of you for your responses! it sure does help to have people who can relate, and a place to vent your frustrations!!
i do understand that my daughter's allergy may not be at the forefront of everyone's mind. i guess what bothered me was not so much that she forgot, but her attitude when i reminded her. she seemed put out, and that is what annoyed me most. i would expect that if someone forgot, they might say, "oops! i forgot that we can't have PB&J around your daughter," and that would be the end of it. however, it wasn't until i told her that we couldn't sit at the same table (and the implications of that sank in) that she relented (which leads me to believe it wasn't a case of her just forgetting). and it's not like i was fussing over a may contain ... it was PB&J for GOD'S SAKE! no label reading experience necessary there!!
i guess it boils down to that envy that some (most? maybe all?) PA parents have ... for our friends this minor inconvenience is one meal, of one day, of one week, of one month, of one year, etc etc. wow, i wish it were MY CHOICE to restrict my daughter's diet like she has in choosing vegetarianism for her daughter, rather than having a major diet restriction due to necessity!!!
as has been written here before, PA really helps you know who your friends are. not that i plan to write this woman off, but i will definitely proceed with caution.
thanks again.

Posted on: Tue, 02/19/2008 - 3:42am
lakeswimr's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/01/2007 - 09:00

That does sound very frustrating! But she changed her order! That's good. :) I have a friend locally who I almost wrote off on our very first meeting and then almost wrote off again when it seemed she really, really wanted to bake this thing with nuts for the school party which was to be nut/peanut and sesame-free. But turned out she is a *great* friend and she now does *really*, *really* get it! So, I would not cut the friendship. It could turn out wonderful. I know what you mean, though, and would have felt very similarly. Maybe you can find some other FA families to be friends with, too? Having other families who do absolutely get it helps me a lot.
Best wishes!

Posted on: Tue, 02/19/2008 - 9:47am
Mrsdocrse's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/16/2007 - 09:00

I BTW do agree that people are just dumb! your right PB & J is kind of an " in your face kind of mistake"
HOpe the next time is better!
Therese

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