PA affecting family or friend relationships...

Posted on: Thu, 09/05/2002 - 7:55am
robinlp's picture
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Joined: 05/14/2002 - 09:00

pHas having a PA child affected your relationships w/ friends or family? I recently posted about my DS having a reaction after being cared for by my MIL/FIL because they brought unsafe food into our house while we were away, after we told them not to. They never gave us an apology and have been acting like WE did something wrong. We haven't spoken to them in a week and don't really plan to communicate w/ them again until we get some sort of apology and acknowledgment of wrong doing. I really don't see how I could just forget this when they can't even apologize. So, I was just wondering if PA has affected or changed anyone elses relationships w/ family or friends since they either "don't get it" or take the PA seriously./p

Posted on: Thu, 09/05/2002 - 11:16am
Connielynn's picture
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Joined: 08/27/2002 - 09:00

Boy has it ever!!! People don't understand what we live with everyday. Our family ignors the whole pa but then gets so upset if dd has a reaction. Not upset enough to try to help any. Dd is sick for about 10 days after a reaction and feels terrible. Mood swings, crying, ect.. Not once has anyone offered to sit with her so I could get out. Some family members drop by to visit her and act offended when she is rude. She is rude cause she is sick. Why not enjoy her when she is well? Family dinners are a joke. This summer instead of having it at the in laws we had it here. I don't mind having a dinner here but no help with cleaning up. But at least dd was safe. Church members and friends are no help. Most of them. No one offeres to do anything. Not even listen! It is hard to see your child live like this. It is easier for everyone else since they ignore it. I don't have that option. A phone call at times would mean so much to me! And to dd.
Honestly after this last year I have lost the majority of my faith in people. They just don't give a damn.

Posted on: Thu, 09/05/2002 - 12:36pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

robinlp, I'll have to read your other thread as well (not tonight, sorry), but yes, I believe PA does affect relationships with family and friends. However, I think I have to add that there were probably components of those relationships that were iffy at best and perhaps PA has just made it more clear that we don't want to be dealing with those people or they don't want to be dealing with us. Does that make sense?
I don't think PA alone could destroy a solid family or friend relationship. Truly, I don't. In Stayner, I met a wonderful young woman with three children and we became really good friends. Because she chose to educate herself re PA because of Jesse, there were never any glitches in our relationship at all. However, it was a solid friendship.
I think what is disheartening for most of us, is that very often we can get friends or even mere acquaintances to "get it" and yet we can't get our family to. I know my Mom does but we don't see her. I know that DH's Mom does to a degree but there's also a BIG hint of denial in her because she has never seen Jesse have an anaphylactic reaction. So I know that sometimes I come across as a complete fanatic to her. Neither one of my SIL's could give a toss and quite frankly, they were like that before PA entered the picture (the same with their husbands). One did try to pretend to have an interest last year, but she really wasn't.
Again, those relationships already had little glitches in them (or maybe big ones) to begin with. I'm not clear how my sister is with PA as I don't see her either.
When you explore the relationship you had/have with your in-laws, was it smooth and easy going with them until PA entered the picture or were there other issues there that perhaps they could play out involved with PA?
i.e., control issues, etc.? I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.
I certainly don't think that Jesse's PA has changed any relationships negatively but it has shown us what relationships were negative to begin with, even toxic and it's given us the opportunity to kinda clean house, which I think is an extremely positive thing. You probably weren't taking my day-to-day complaints seriously if you can't take my son's PA seriously. Again, do you know what I mean?
On the other hand, I do strongly believe that Jesse has less of a social life because of his PA. I believe people are afraid and I am heartbroken every time I hear about another birthday party that he's not invited to. Jesse is extremely social and outgoing and I can see no reason other than his allergy that he wouldn't be invited to birthday parties.
As far as making new friends, well, I think it will kinda sort itself out this year since we've just moved into a new neighbourhood and have inquisitive friendly neighbours on both sides as well as the new school to deal with.
I really think though that most of us had issues with the people that can't deal with our children's PA before the PA entered into the picture. We just perhaps couldn't see what they were and the PA has given everyone something to focus on to make it really clear that the relationship is not working. I think I'm making sense but I could be totally off the wall as well. I hope you get some more response! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Thu, 09/05/2002 - 12:54pm
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Boy can I relate to that question! Today was a prime example...My MIL b-day was today, so Cameron and I went over there to give her a gift and card, while we were there, her sisters (who live across the street) came over w/a bday cake from the bakery..No one knew we were gonna be there and it was a spur of the moment thing for them, which is totally fine...But as soon as we were done singing happy b-day, I grabbed Cameron and high tailed it outside...Since everything happened so quickly (the cake coming in & the singing) he didn't really see the cake and I didn't want him to, anyway, they said Where are ya'll going, I said outside to smoke a cig. they said oh, then a few mins. later they called Cam and asked if he wanted a piece of cake!!! I said NO, he can't have it (Cam never heard him he was too busy playing) They just said Oh..But w/a tone you could tell that they didn't like it, and the thing about it is, my FIL, is a very God fearing man, he lives his life more fully for the Lord than any person I know, but there are certain things I don't agree w/where his beliefs are concerned (which is fine, I'm not judging his beliefs) but one of his beliefs is sickness, illness and Dr's he totally doesn't believe in, but he is the ONLY one that is careful w/my son! He respects out decision and belief that he has an allergy although he believes God has healed him....My MIL doesn't believe like he does and I would bet my life on the she would "test" his allergy, before my FIL would...My FIL won't even give him gum before having me okay the food, where I've had to run to the fridge to get my son away from Reese cups, b/c she told him there was candy in the fridge that was his!!! We haven't ever allowed him to stay over there w/o me anyway b/c she has pb everything everywhere! And the sad part is, we are over there a couple times a week, and everytime we are all the other kids, get to eat at g'mas, and my son has to "settle" w/the snack that I bring him, I don't understand why this women can't buy him a "safe snack", I always bring him a couple of things but still, he wants GRANNYS food, ya know?
My SIL is getting it more and more, b/c I talk to her everyday, and I am always talking about different things I've learned from you all here, and it's sunk it enough in the last couple of weeks, that she told me the other day that she'd be too terrified to watch him....So yes, it does put a strain on your relationships...And the thing about it is...It doesn't have to if they'd just accept the fact that food allergies are as deadly as so-n-so's insect allergy---which my non pa son is allergic to, and they all GET THAT!!!!
AMAZING, how something like this can tear families apart!
Sorry so long, I ramble too much!
Lana

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