Non-PA Daughter Arguing With Me About My \"Comfort Zone\" Because of Another PA Child

Posted on: Mon, 04/26/2004 - 8:00am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

My non-PA daughter is extremely verbal with me, to put it mildly. Probably a *good* thing in the long run, but whatever.

To-day, we're on the bus after school going for a doctor's appointment her brother had.

She says, you know those Valentine's so and so gave me? They were "safe" for us to eat (Jesse had also received the same treats in his classroom). They were the Hershey's Kisses with Almonds.

I said, oh, what treats did so and so give you? The Hershey's Kisses. She didn't know to say almonds because she's never had an almond. But I knew which ones she meant because I had eaten them.

So, in actuality, they are "safe" for my non-PA daughter to eat, except that I don't let her eat peanuts or tree nuts.

Her brother is NOT TNA, only PA. However, our home is peanut/tree nut free.

I asked her why she was bringing this up now and she said that the PA child in her classroom had eaten them (when, I don't know - can she have held this in her mind for three months?). She said that if they were okay for that PA child to eat (his name, rather than what I just posted) than they were okay for Jesse to eat.

Well.....

I then went into an explanation of how so and so's parents may very well let him eat tree nuts but we do not eat tree nuts in our home and tried to explain cross-contamination to her.

Her brother was actually getting quite upset because he wouldn't eat a tree nut product himself and I guess since his comfort zone is the same as mine right now, he didn't like us being questioned or told that we were doing something wrong about his allergy.

I then went on to explain to Ember, that yes, other parents do deal with PA differently and obviously this child's parents do (remembering that they are the ones that provided a "safe" list of snacks that I would not have okayed personally and had things on it that my PA child certainly does NOT eat). That that's okay for their family, but this is how things are done in our family.

Her response? She's moving away next year (why next year I have no idea).

I'm not sure if I will embrace the day Ember can try peanut/nut products (it will be when she doesn't live with me or her brother anymore, so I can't see that as an embracing kinda situation, more heartbreaking for dear old Mom here), but I do know that I have likened her trying peanuts/nuts to what I experienced in my late teens which was going out and trying foods from different cultures.

I was from a Scottish background and our food was, for the most part, pretty bland. We did certainly have the take-out food of the day, fish and chips, Chinese food, Kentucky Fried Chicken. But, for the most part, we didn't do a lot of ethnic cooking in our home.

So, in my late teens and probably even earlier, it was a GREAT experience for me to try foods from other cultures and when I moved out of the house for the most part, incorporate some of these new found tastes into what I eat in life.

That's what I'm saying about Em. She can certainly do those things when she's older.

I guess the other thing that is bothering me is that if Em had come up to me and said, you know, I really want to try a peanut or a tree nut, I *may* have reacted differently. But her presentation/argument was because of what another PA child is doing and that's what made me uncomfortable. That I felt I had to justify my comfort zone to my own child because someone else has a different comfort zone.

I'm not questioning or commenting on the other PA parents' comfort zone. If their child isn't allergic to tree nuts and they're comfie with him eating them, then who am I to question it.

But, as I told Em, when it comes to how her brother and I deal with his PA, and how our family runs our home, it is up to us.

Thanks for listening. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img]

Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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Posted on: Mon, 04/26/2004 - 9:22am
erik's picture
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Joined: 05/15/2001 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by Alternative to Mainstream:
[b]I'm not sure if I will embrace the day Ember can try peanut/nut products (it will be when she doesn't live with me or her brother anymore, so I can't see that as an embracing kinda situation, more heartbreaking for dear old Mom here)[/b]
Hi Cindy,
A question - I realize you have banned tree nut products in the house... but do you allow your daughter to eat tree nut products when she is outside of the house?

Posted on: Mon, 04/26/2004 - 9:36am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Talking mom to mom here - and pa doesn't even have to factor in......
Other mother's let their kids run amok all weekend long and don't always know where their kids are - not me.
Other mother's let their kids ride bikes without helmets - not me.
Other mother's let their kids go to the homes of complete strangers - not me.
Other pa mother's let their pa kids eat nuts - not you.
It's the same difference. My mom used to say "If all the other kids were running across the 401 would you expect me to let you?"
*********
I feel for you. I really do. Ember is reaching an age where she questions everything you do and how you do it. (At least, it does sound that way, and I remember being that way.)
And as for why she's moving out next year - because she knows she's not ready yet, but she wants to let you know she is very upset (thus the threat) but it's also far enough away that if she changes her mind (which she will) she hopes you will have forgotten the threat. (No, I'm no psychiatrist, but as you posted elsewhere, I do like to analyze situations/people I know little about. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] And, it sounds like the way I would have thought when I was younger. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] )

Posted on: Mon, 04/26/2004 - 10:00am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Anna Marie, thank-you. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
The psychoanalyzing of situations, that wasn't directed at you, it was about me actually when I was trying to figure out why that one child in Jesse's class was such a holy terror last year. I do sit back and try to analyze situations and actually try to find the *positive* possible reasons for things that don't look quite right.
So, you're like that too, eh? [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
I hear what you're saying. I can already tell that I am going to get a lot more flack, if you will, from my daughter than I will ever from my son. I loved your different examples/analogy.
erik, you asked:
A question - I realize you have banned tree nut products in the house... but do you allow your daughter to eat tree nut products when she is outside of the house?
No, I do not. My original reason was that she had not reached the age of 5 yet and because her brother was PA, I was waiting 'til she was 5 if she was going to try them at all. Now, it's just no. It's not something we do.
Now, should someone bring tree nuts into her peanut free classroom (obviously not peanut free because of her) and she ate them, obviously I wouldn't freak. I have spoken with her teacher(s) and always let them know that Ember is not to eat peanuts or peanut products. I'm not okay with it.
Both children tried a tree nut last year. I thought it was a walnut. The woman next door called them butternuts. At any rate, we had a butternut tree growing in the back yard next door to us. So, they would drop into our yard. Both kids were allowed to try the tree nut because it had fallen right off the tree and could not have possibly been cross-contaminated.
When Ember is out with me, when Jesse isn't (and I did post about this last year, it's not something that really happens now that she is in school full-time as well now), we certainly do go into places that I wouldn't take Jesse into and she is allowed to eat probably "may contain" products.
But no, ALL of us here eat the same. I don't, their Father doesn't, and neither child eats tree nuts, peanuts, tree nut products, peanut products, or even "may contain" and "made in" tree nuts or peanut products.
Somehow, if it makes any sense (as the dog barks really loudly at me), it just makes it simpler for me and I believe for our family as a whole.
Many thanks and best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Mon, 04/26/2004 - 10:27am
erik's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/15/2001 - 09:00

Hi Cindy,
Thanks for the info..
I as thinking that maybe Ember is a bit resentful that she can not eat tree nut products outside of the house. As an example, her friends at school can eat Kisses with Almonds, but she can't eat them (even though her brother is not allergic to them).
Maybe that's why she is being this way and being so argumentative on this point? Just a thought...
Anyway, it may be difficult to stop her from eating tree nuts outside of the house once she hits the teenage rebellion years (it's hard enough to keep them from trying alcohol and cigarettes when they become teenagers). But you still have many years to go until you have to worry about this.
(I think peer pressure from her teenage friends will make it hard for her not to eat tree nuts when the girls go out, unless she lies and says she has a tree nut allergy)

Posted on: Mon, 04/26/2004 - 12:22pm
MommaBear's picture
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

I was reading Alt to M's initial post and thinking much along the same lines as AnnaMarie.
I've crossed similiar bridges already with [i]both[/i] my cubs, some related to PA but [i]much sooner[/i] with other situations. Trying to remember, but the PA ones we anticipated as best we could. One discussion I had early on with my older cub, who can return-verbalize to me and has demonstrated satisfactorily and a bit paraphrased: "just because someone says they are allergic to peanuts or nuts and they something doesn't mean you can eat the same thing. If it is [i]something[/i] [b]you know you can't have or are [i]unsure[/i] of[/b], don't eat it. [i]Even if another adult gives it to you or tells you "it is ok" or "safe" to eat.[/i]" If it gets to this point, he knows to come to us, or request/demand us [i]specifically[/i]. It was an [i]Anticipitory Guideance[/i] type of thing.
Unrelated to PA, and having happened last year:
We camp frequently at a certain place. Lots of familiar faces. During the summer months there are many children my cubs ages. (Or at least his size [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]) Lots of golfcarts last year. We saw many persons driving them who we did not feel were appropriate choices to be driving a golfcart. I mean, the label on it clearly states..........oh. never mind. To me, it's a [i]literal thing[/i]. Golfcarts are large, go fast, are relatively open, and of considerable weight. They are [i]motorized vehicles[/i]. Vehicles require a certain level of responsibility IMHPO. I mean, even [i]pedal bikes[/i] require a certain level of responsibility, and at this point I actively/physically monitor [i]both[/i] my cubs on theirs.
Anywhooooooooooo I was really thankfull for the label, my cubs being the literal cubs they can be. "Why can't you drive a golfcart? Well, read the label. (On the dashboard)" [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] Imagine. Oldest cub reading labels not only on his food, [i]but on the golfcart[/i] as well. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] Of course, we explained [i]in detail[/i] the "why's"/"why nots", but the label reading thing, it got me right here [i](motioning to chest)[/i]. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/cool.gif[/img]
But yeah, I understand. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Mon, 04/26/2004 - 12:49pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

erik, thank-you, I understand what you're saying. Ember found out that the other PA child is allowed to eat tree nuts so she's wondering why she can't eat tree nuts when she knows her brother isn't allergic to them. Okay, cool. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/cool.gif[/img]
Having said that, I still stand by the Party Line (which is the family line) that we do not eat peanuts/tree nuts.
Now, of course, I realize that this is one very BIG thing that may change and may change sooner than I would like it to, especially given the temperment of my daughter (I do think it's a girl thing, although I wasn't like that - I think my younger sister was [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] ).
I would like to think that she would respect our family wishes. I would also understand if yes, she did sneak a tree nut product down the line.
Or, perhaps like a Mother taking her daughter to the doctor to get the birth control pill (even when the girl isn't sexually active yet), I *should* take Em out and get her a tree nut product to try. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
Chrikey, I don't know!
Peanuts and peanut products though are a totally different story for me.
See my mind hasn't gone all that fuzzy when it comes to my teenage years and what I did do and what ages I did do certain things at. So, I do *expect* certain things to come up. Hoping they won't. Hoping my children will have better sense in some cases than I did, but still, bound to happen really, I don't know.
Can you imagine if the worst of her teenage rebellion was to eat a tree nut? Or to sneak a tree nut into my peanut/tree nut free home?
Oh, I've gone batty early tonight. I'm going to bed I think. The kids only have a half day of school tomorrow. I swear when the teachers work a full month (I understand they do work tomorrow afternoon at something, just not teaching my children), without a half day in there somewhere, I will drop dead.
Many thanks and best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Mon, 04/26/2004 - 12:57pm
erik's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/15/2001 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by Alternative to Mainstream:
[b]Or, perhaps like a Mother taking her daughter to the doctor to get the birth control pill (even when the girl isn't sexually active yet), I *should* take Em out and get her a tree nut product to try. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img][/b]
Maybe that is a good plan?? The forbidden fruit is always tempting, and once she tries tree nuts, maybe they won't be so exciting after all....
Quote:Originally posted by Alternative to Mainstream:
[b]Can you imagine if the worst of her teenage rebellion was to eat a tree nut? Or to sneak a tree nut into my peanut/tree nut free home?[/b]
haha.. that sounds funny.. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
yes.. much better than sneaking around with drugs & alcohol!

Posted on: Mon, 04/26/2004 - 1:16pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

And now, if we could all sing Ian Durie's version of Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll (I'll find the lyrics) which was covered by a Toronto bar band called "The Battered Wives" (no offense, please, that was their name), we *should* all just be fine..... [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Mon, 04/26/2004 - 1:26pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Okay, here's the confusing thing. Do a Google for Ian Durie. Realize I have spelled the last name wrong. Re-type in Ian Dury. Fine. He's a member of a band called Ian Dury and The Blockheads. Fine. I click onto one website which lists the tour scheduled for the summer of 2004 for Ian Dury and The Blockheads.
Then, I go further into my search and find out that Ian Dury, himself, well, he died in the year 2000.
So, how can the band be touring as Ian Dury and The Blockheads? Wouldn't it just be The Blockheads? I don't bloody know.
Anyway, the lyrics, for whatever reason and I'm off to bed:-
Sex And Drugs And Rock 'N' Roll
by Ian Dury And The Blockheads
Album :
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Is all my brain and body need
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Are very good indeed
Keep your silly ways or throw them out the window
The wisdom of your ways, I've been there and I know
Lots of other ways, what a jolly bad show
If all you ever do is business you don't like
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Is very good indeed
Every bit of clothing ought to make you pretty
You can cut the clothing, grey is such a pity
I should wear the clothing of Mr. Walter Mitty
See my tailor, he's called Simon, I know it's going to fit
Here's a little piece of advice
You're quite welcome it is free
Don't do nothing that is cut price
You know what that'll make you be
They will try their tricky device
Trap you with the ordinary
Get your teeth into a small slice
The cake of liberty
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Sex, drugs, rock, roll
Sex, drugs, rock, roll
Copyright

Posted on: Tue, 04/27/2004 - 12:09am
LilMansMom's picture
Offline
Joined: 03/14/2002 - 09:00

Just from another point of view...could it have been that she was using that other child to support her question of why it was safe for that child and not for her brother? Maybe not necessarily, "But, Ma, all the other kids just jumped off the bridge!" (I just love getting all valley and whining that back to my daughter when she gets a little haughty with her stricter-than-other-moms mom.) Maybe she was just trying to compare the 2 situations the best she could. Why this and why not this? That sort of thought process.
We have gone the "Let her eat what she wants when her brother isn't around" route with my daughter and she has really gained a lot of maturity and responsibility from the situation. For example, we have bought the Smucker's PB&J frozen sandwiches for her to take to school. (That way it is not prepared in the house, no contamination issues and they are in the deep freeze out of reach of PA son.) She is super diligent about not spilling any, touching anything else and the total clean-up afterwards. And, then, when all the treats come home at holidays that I won't allow in the house, she doesn't even blink when they go to the trash. She knows the limits and respects them.
I am not by any means suggesting you do anything in your own home you are not comfortable with, just wanting to reassure you that there may also be some positives to come from the situation.
And, who knows, maybe once she does get a bite, she may not even like them! One can always hope!
Anyway, *Hugs* to you, because I know the stress a willful, outspoken female can cause a mother. I see it in the wrinkles on my mom's forehead everytime she cuts me the eye! And, yes at 28, I still get the eye!
------------------
Little Man's Momma
a*k*a Kendra

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