My mother...can\'t believe she asked me this!!!

Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 8:09am
leers's picture
Joined: 07/09/2001 - 09:00

Sorry this is a rant. I just can't believe my mother asked me this. I rarely see my parents and now I know why. There are so many stories. She makes me feel so guilty...

Anyways, the kids wanted their grandparents(my parents) down to visit for a weekend. Fine, so they are coming this weekend coming up. My mom calls me tonight and asks me if after the kids go to bed can she eat some peanuts she wants to bring. She promises that she would clean herself us, clean where she has eaten etc. The reasons she wants the peanuts is because she has IBS (irritated bowel syndrome) and peanuts keep her regular. I said NO that I would feel awfully nervous her eating them no matter how careful she would be. I can't believe she asked me this. She knows what happens. I have explained it to her. She makes me feel so guilty because I have seen first hand this syndrome has caused her.

Am I wrong in saying no? She says she will be fine but I can hear her in the back ground sighing. ( I am sure in disgust)

I hope this weekend comes and goes fast. I am going to be a nervous wreck this weekend. She just makes me so mad.

Sorry for the rant. Hubby is at his brother's for the SuperBowl so I have no one to cry to.


Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 9:10am
PennMom's picture
Joined: 08/01/2006 - 09:00

You are not wrong to say no! Your child should not have to worry about nuts in their home when you have chosen to have a "nut free" zone. I'm sure there are plenty of other things she could eat that would help. Apples/apple juice (if it's ok for her IBS, or any other problems she might have) are a natural way to "help things along"- and I'm sure there's some other things people can mention.
At least she asked though and didn't just bring them- I would just let her know how much you appreciated that she asked and try and offer to have something else "on hand" when she comes that she would like. I know it's hard- we have some of the family grumble about things we've asked for in relation to the allergy/nut free home.

Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 9:16am
Going Nuts's picture
Joined: 10/04/2001 - 09:00

Hey, I've got a yummy bowl of cooked prunes, apricots and golden raisins in my fridge - bet they work better than peanuts! I'll send some over. [img][/img]
You have every right to restrict what is brought into your home. I can certainly understand why you're mad.

Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 9:16am
ajgauthier's picture
Joined: 04/13/2005 - 09:00

what a request!
However...there is something to peanuts/nuts and IBS...I just got a handout from my doctor where it lists peanuts/nuts as a way to incorporate fiber into the diet to stay regular. With IBS...different things work for different people. For's oatmeal and cooked veggies. For others, nuts/peanuts are common. Initially my doctor mentioned that, but followed with a "but of course that can't be your solution!"
So...she very well may have a point...depending what her doctor told her and what works for her. I'm new to the IBS thing...and everything I've read and seen online, it can be very frustrating to figure out how to 'stay regular' so you don't roller coaster between the 2 extremes (diarhhea and constipation).
Maybe she has another alternative solution you can ask her about? You can explain to her that if she eats peanuts, she won't get to hug or kiss her grandkids. I had to do this with my sister and her son (who was 2 at the time) when I visited (I live 2000 miles away). Auntie A can't give her nephew a hug/kiss if he eats peanut butter, even if he's given a bath! She didn't believe me, and I purposely hugged him and broke out in local hives (where he touched). From then on...soybutter when Auntie A visits!
Anyhoot - my point being...which is more important to her. If she can figure out an alternate solution...then she should try. If it's too much a hassle, then she can't see her grandkids, ya know? Her have your unbendable house rules, which is completely justified.
If peanuts help her, so should soynuts and soynut butter. See if she's willing to try...
Good luck [img][/img]
30-something survivor of severe peanut/tree nut allergy

Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 9:26am
leers's picture
Joined: 07/09/2001 - 09:00

I did offer getting her some soya nuts but she kept saying peanuts only help. I know that she eats alot of garlic and that helps too. Guess I will buy alot of garlic..... I have seen first hand what IBS has done to her but I have to stand my ground. I am glad she did ask me but she also knows what I have gone through re: my PA son.
Thanks for listening.....

Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 9:41am
Ree's picture
Joined: 12/31/2004 - 09:00

Holy cow Pam. I wouldn't fallen off my chair in awe. Stand your ground. You are right to say 'no'. I'd make her feel guiity right back. Like "hmmm mom, your IBS or my child's life...which do you think is more important?" My mom has pulled stuff like this with dairy bringing her milk & cereal over if she's babysitting early. Ugh. Drives me crazy.
I'm sorry she's stresses you out. I don't think she understands what you go through. Sometimes blunt statement are the only thing that can get through to them.

Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 10:05am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

leers, I'm shocked as well. And then, I actually thought that garlic was a problem with people with IBS.
There HAS to be an alternative for her that will work for what # of days will she be there? I mean really!
I remember reading here years ago, a post by someone who couldn't go to see their Mother (in the Mother's home) because the Mother refused to give up eating peanuts for the time they would be visiting (at a holiday time). I thought that was incredibly sad and also rather odd - that she chose peanuts over her Grandchildren; then you can kinda think, okay, it's her home.
But no, it's YOUR home, you do have to stand your ground and I am sure that there is an alternative that will do for the days that she is there (what about a fibre pill or something?).
Even though we have more family contact than we did when I first joined this board, I continue to be amazed at what people will put before family.
I also think that it's compassionate of you (therefore your guilt) to feel badly because you know how your Mom has suffered, but, no, still a resounding no.
Please let us know how it goes next week-end.
Best wishes! [img][/img]
There but for the Grace of God, go I.

Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 10:35am
anonymous's picture
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I would say, yes, she could bring them ONLY if she would only eat them in her car (if she is driving. A peanut-free home is just that--peanut free all the time. But then Grandma's car would be totally off limits too.
Kind of like if you have to smoke, do it outside and not right on the porch either.

Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 10:53am
gvmom's picture
Joined: 08/24/2005 - 09:00

Make her a good strong cup of caffeinated coffee. That should get her moving. Or how about a container of metamucil? For pete's sake, one weekend..... she can deal.

Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 11:04am
bandbmom's picture
Joined: 12/14/2005 - 09:00

Sorry to hear about this situation. You did the right thing by saying no. You have to keep your child safe in the one place he should feel safe and secure.
It is only for a couple days, right? Hopefully everything will turn out fine and she will be okay without her nuts for one or two nights.

Posted on: Sun, 02/04/2007 - 11:29am
anonymous's picture
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I think you did the right thing! I do not let anyone bring anything in to my house with any type of nuts. PERIOD! She needs to call her dr before her visit and figure out a substitution.



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