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Posted on: Mon, 05/03/2004 - 1:59am
CorinneM1's picture
Joined: 06/20/2002 - 09:00

I am taking it that this happens a lot with your ILs? It seems to me as if this was building up from past events and or the lack of understanding on their part.
Your SIL is pissed bc from her eyes you made a scene at her daughters party and ruined it for her. Your MIL thinks that you were rude to her so she is most likely put off. You husband isn't backing you completly on this, so yes you do look like the witch here.
Simply, they don't understand what PA means to you and your child. For whatever reasons they don't get it. So, here is my suggestion. Call your ILs over for dinner/coffee lunch etc. Have your husband lead the discussion as to what PA means and why you have to be so viligant and on top of situtations with your child. Unlike the others, I would say apologize for your behavior at the party, only for the reason to open up the doors for communication, but stress to them the reasons that you had to act the way that you did was bc you were protecting your child.
Since you only see them 3 times a year (and sounds like you are closer and do more with your family) they don't understand why they have to tailor their menus for you.
Hence, why they ate what they did (MIL) and ordered what they did (SIL).
Again, have your hubby start the communication with them, but you need to be the one to mend the relationship here only bc they don't understand what they did was wrong.

Posted on: Mon, 05/03/2004 - 2:05am
Kim M's picture
Joined: 06/09/2001 - 09:00

Corinne, that's good advice in many situations, but I'm not sure that's the case here. Patsmommy can confirm, but I got the impression that they have had this conversation many times, and if that's the case, then it's not a problem with not understanding. It's a problem with not caring. And unfortunately, there are family members and "friends" who simply don't care enough to make the effort. I agree that one last, calm, informational sitdown might be in order. But if there are still problems after that, then you have to distance yourself from even family members if they refuse to cooperate in keeping your child safe.

Posted on: Mon, 05/03/2004 - 3:40am
patsmommy's picture
Joined: 10/31/2001 - 09:00

Corrine, I didnt really make a scene at the party. I directed all my taling to dh and then left, the music was blaring and no one really knew what was going on. I thik my sil just heard me tell mt son that he could not eat anything. After that I saw her walk out with her dd who I think was crying for some other reason. the reat of my talk was with dh by our table. My mil came over to our table and thats when I said that to her. I then left.
My ils know about the allergy. We arent really close, we dont see them too often. Its not really 3xs a year casue there are 6 kids between us so 6 bdays plus 2 holidays and the odd bbq here and there.
My sil is informed about the allergy, they all are.I have been on the ohone with her talking about it and just in general telling her what my ds goes through. I do talk to her on the phone etc.
She is not a really caring person, she is a fake caring person if you get my meaning.When people are around she is all sweet and charming.
My dh is going to talk to his brother today.
Believe me we have had this talk especially with his mom alot.
I will let you all know what happens

Posted on: Mon, 05/03/2004 - 4:19am
JuJuBean's picture
Joined: 05/01/2004 - 09:00

Hi Patmommy,
I deal with the same thing every time I go to a family function with my inlaws. Peanut everywhere. My 3yo ds has learned to ask and stay away from what food products they leave around the house. In some cases I've moved the items and said something to them about it being left out. With alergy awareness week coming up I want to write a letter to everyone in the family but know it want be accepted.
He received his medic alert bracelet today and I know I'll hear something from them about him not needing it. My mil is a nurse! I know what you're up against. I've backed off from visiting and functions b/c of the stress.
Take care. I know it's hard.

Posted on: Mon, 05/03/2004 - 5:03am
patsmommy's picture
Joined: 10/31/2001 - 09:00

ok, So I am feeling like a heel.
Heres what my dh said. He said somehting to his brother and his brother said he felt terrible about it. He was th eone who booked the party and didnt think to tell them to omit peanuts.
I am thinking about this. As much as I think my sil is a witch, she really has never put my kids in harms way. Yes she has ignored them,lol.
So maybe she didnt book the party , her dh did and she never even thought about the dessert table.
This is what my dh said he said
"i told him we were worried about all the nuts at the desert station, and he couldn't eat anything, and that it was dangerous to him"
SO I guess thats it. What else can I do?
I was just totally shocked abou tall the nuts there. I guess even if she didnt know about it, if it was me when I saw all of them I would have been mortified. I would have apologized or at least warned the person that there was nuts.But then that me i am a people pleaser. I have to stop that. To her it was her daughters party and that was that.
Oh btw, she is definilty stewing about this or worried about what I will say. Last party(last month the baptism of her other dd) she had she called the next morning and thanked us for the gift. This time I never got a phone call, its 3 days later. hmmm what do u think that means?
She usually calls the next day to thank us for the gifts.

Posted on: Mon, 05/03/2004 - 6:08am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

patsmommy, I had wanted to respond over the week-end but my computer is acting up big-time.
First of all, I don't think you lost your cool at all. You were protecting your child. As you pointed out, all of your anger or whatever emotion it was, was directed at your DH (even though it wasn't his fault, but at least it wasn't making a scene with the people who were having the party).
What the heck are wet walnuts? I have NEVER heard of them, obviously much less eaten them.
Okay, so now you've found out that your BIL booked the party and didn't think to mention nuts to whoever.
For those of us not dealing with PA on a daily basis, I can see where this *could* be something that someone might forget.
However, it's his nephew we're talking about and I guess that's what's particularly sad about the whole thing.
I have seen wonderful people, just friends, who wanted to include my PA son at their children's birthday party go out of their way to ensure that EVERYTHING that was coming into the house food wise and going out treat wise was safe for him. Simply to include him.
I think that's what I always find hardest when I read family stories here. I don't have family close to me and I honestly do not know how they would behave with regard to PA at family functions and parties. It's kinda sad actually because we are all so spread out, but, on the other hand, it saves me the pain of perhaps seeing that my son's family don't give a toss about his allergies.
I would have done the same as you suggested - once I knew the party was peanut/nut filled, I would have warned YOUR family at the door before you even entered the house. An "oh my gosh, the food has all of these nuts in it" and then you could have made your decision at the front door.
I've had enough birthday parties in my home to know that even though I'm in an absolute tizzy (perhaps why I tend not to have them in my home anymore [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img] ), I still take the time to speak with everyone when they're coming in the door. So, it is something that *could* have been mentioned to you and then, as I said, you could have made your decision at the door. Okay, we'll come in, but my son won't be able to eat, which is okay or, we don't feel comfortable coming in.
I do think it's great that your DH did speak with the BIL about it. He is speaking up, which is a *good* thing. I, too, deal with a DH that NEVER wants to ruffle feathers and when it comes to the safety/life of your child, I'm sorry, feathers sometimes have to be ruffled, even gently. So, very glad that your DH did speak up.
Aside from the allergy thing though, it does sound as though your SIL has other *issues* and who knows what the heck they are and why.
I'd just let her be.
I remember my MIL trying to help her daughter out in some way and had given her a suggestion that she knew I had used. Her daughter's response (so, my SIL) was "I'm not Cindy". Not thanks for the advice Mom, but I don't care to go that route. To me, it was SO hurtful. No, she's not me and she's not expected to be me, but her Mom was trying to help her by suggesting something that had helped me in the past. I never told my SIL how hurt I was by that comment because it really did feel like a put-down.
Again, I find the family stuff I read about really sad, because, as I say, I have met wonderful people in my life that have gone out of their way to make sure my son could go to their child's party and they weren't family. It's the same thing I say everytime - for some reason we expect that family might "get it" because they're family and that's why it's so disappointing and hurtful when they don't. Had it been a casual acquaintance or even friend, that whole family thing doesn't come into it and so it's naturally less hurtful and upsetting.
Hope you're okay, to-day. You did sound better. Just wondering now how long you have to wait for your thank-you.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Mon, 05/03/2004 - 7:06am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

patsmommy, somewhere in this thread you said you would like all opinions - all sides. I hope you meant that, because my post is different than everything else so far.
Your son is pa - but is he tna? Nothing in this thread says he is - so I'm not sure. I'm assuming he's pa only.
You said they get it enough that they don't give him anything he can't eat in easter baskets and at a previous party. So, it's not like they are totally uncaring, right? If mil understand that her grandson is pa - and even understands that he can't eat may contains, and other nuts due to cross contamination, why would that mean she can't touch him after she eats a may contain (walnuts are not peanuts, but I agree they are a risk of cross contamination).
I'm not going to say you were over-reacting - how would I know? But, if you weren't, does this help to explain why mil might think you were?
Ah, found it, here's what you said: [b]Thats why I posted this, I know you can all relate and give me good advice, and I dont mean just one sided but make me see their point of view too.
That's what I'm trying to do here, and I hope I have not come off sounding offensive. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Mon, 05/03/2004 - 10:45am
KarenH's picture
Joined: 09/21/2002 - 09:00

Just a thought....
For work the staff ordered out wraps/salad/soup from a local take out place. When I found out, I offered to call and let them know not to have anything with nuts in the order. Everyone was happy that *I* did it, because they have no idea how to deal with my allergy.
Do you guys think that it would be crossing a line to ask family if they'd mind if you called ahead to warn the restaurant re: nuts? I mean, that way you can take care of it and nobody forgets and we don't end up with the misunderstanding. It is perfectly logical that your Sil didn't make the call, Brother forgot, and *boom* you ended up with a nut laden dessert table.
Let them know how terrified you were, and how you were just being a Mom trying to keep your son safe. Any one of us would have done it.

Posted on: Tue, 05/04/2004 - 1:10am
CorinneM1's picture
Joined: 06/20/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by patsmommy:
Corrine, I didnt really make a scene at the party. I directed all my taling to dh and then left, the music was blaring and no one really knew what was going on. I thik my sil just heard me tell mt son that he could not eat anything. After that I saw her walk out with her dd who I think was crying for some other reason. the reat of my talk was with dh by our table. My mil came over to our table and thats when I said that to her. I then left. [/b]
Oh, gotcha. I took it that by the thread title that you were teed off, since you stated that you "lost your cool".
I read ahead and see that maybe things are on their way to being patched up/understood by your ILs. That's good. I hope that things work out for you in your favor and that in the future you won't have to deal with situations like these with your family.

Posted on: Tue, 05/04/2004 - 1:59am
pgrubbs's picture
Joined: 10/27/2003 - 09:00

I agree that your in laws were not at all supportive- i'd be mad, too. I'm sorry you have an evil SIL- but I did want to say one hting. After a long bout with infertility and treatment, we lost a child. It was devastating. What made it worse was that my SIL delivered a baby a week later. It was awful. I could not be around babies- heck, my milk hadn't dried up yet. It was truly awful. Our counselor suggested that we stay away- so I did. I did not go insane, and did not ruin any family function by being hysterical, but my SIL does not forgive me for that to this day.
Just wanted to add that while she does sound evil, I can understand that part. Ignoring them now isn't cool, but maybe when your child was born she had to take a breather to even get through it.
That being said- I totally understand the teeth-kicking out impulse. I hope I would leave the next party if I were you, but the family issue it would cause would really make me reconsider that action.I'll be thinking of you.


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