Is your spouse as diligent when it comes to PA?

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 2:50am
samirosenjacken's picture
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Joined: 09/30/2002 - 09:00

Which one of you is more on the ball about this allergy? In my house, it's definitely me. I contact all the doctors, schools, parents etc.. I remember to ask at restaurants and to bring the epi pens everywhere we go. Sometimes I feel like it's all my responsibility.

On Friday Dh took the girls out for pizza. I made sure he had a bag with at least 3 epi pens and a full bottle of benadryl. Would you believe he came home without the bag? He has no clue what happened it it. Actually had the audacity to blame my 6 yr old b/c he gave it to her! Not only does he not know what happened to their life saving medication but he doesn't appear to care. He's never looked for it.. retraced their steps.. called the restaurant. UGH! I am so angry with him. I, of course, made all the necessary phone calls but still came up empty. I just called our peds for a new RX for the pens.

I was curious if anyone else was in a similar boat. It's hard sometimes being the only one responsible for the lives of 2 kids!
Lisa

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 3:49am
darthcleo's picture
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Joined: 11/08/2000 - 09:00

I must say that around me, everyone is pretty good, in general. I'm the most diligent, but I can't diss what my husband does. well, most of the time.
He will sometimes take DS to the park without any medication, since they have no intention of eating anything at the park. I had to point out peanut shells, and a half empty reese's on the ground to convince him that even if you don't intend to eat, there may still be peanuts around. But when he buys stuff, it's generally fine. Once in a while he makes a mistake, but so do I. However he never got the hang of soy allergy. Thankfully the soy allergy's been cleared by the doctor [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 4:10am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I don't know that I would call it "not as diligent," but there are areas where our comfort zones are different.
For instance, if I weren't there to object, he would drop Tucker off at sunday school, which has rotating parents as the teachers, without explaining the Epi-Pen.
I of course am horrified by some of the things he would do that I wouldn't, while it is no big deal to him. Fortunately for my sanity, I'm there to intervene and overrule him. I have to admit that there are times that I wonder if I were to depart this world and he were in charge, if our son would be "as safe."
In the end, however, I know that my husband loves our son, is a good caregiver, and that he would do everything to keep him safe (in his opinion). So I chalk it up to differences in comfort zones, and go on with my day. It's not worth going crazy over "what-if's" and it's not worth causing such a conflict in my marriage over something that may never happen.
I don't know if you can relate to this or parts of this, but maybe it can help a little.

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 4:17am
Tamie's picture
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Well....my dh and dd are both pa and tna, but believe it or not, it's me that is the most diligent! Just this a.m. I found a milky way wrapper in my dh's pants pockets. He said he always has eaten them. he doesn't even keep his epi-pen with him in the winter and certainly wouldn't ever wear an epi-belt or anything of the sort. It's so frustrating, his comfort level is definately way better than mine.
Tamie

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 7:33am
Lidia's picture
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Joined: 04/25/1999 - 09:00

My husband is very good about the allergy, but I always remind him to take the epi-pack. He has forgotten it in the car on freezing days. I am the one who takes care of checking all the food and places my son nears. I have researched everything and put together a school plan.. Even though he doesn't "do" much he supports my efforts tremendously and tells me often how much he appreciates that he doesn't have to worry about "it" when I am around. He goes with me to meet with my the school administrators. He tries to educate people whenever he can, but,for some reason, the motherly instinct perhaps, we don't forget when it comes to the peanut allergy and the men do. It is foremost on our minds. Our husbands just don't have that instinct. Just be thankful you do and work with your husbands strengths.
Then again, everything I said does not apply to the creator of this site-- Chris!!

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 8:37am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

My hubby and I are about on the same level as far as diligents is concerned. We are very careful, but we are both very relaxed/ laid back people, so to others looking on we may not SEEM diligent at all, but inside we are ALWAYS on guard. We handle a lot of situations without anyone knowing there is anything wrong. We are a really good team. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Take Care,
Amy

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 9:51am
AJSMAMA's picture
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Joined: 06/12/2002 - 09:00

My husband is not very diligent at all about my son's allergies. He has never witnessed a reaction and really has no idea what one looks like or how utterly horrifying it is. I think he just figures that I will take care of everything. He used to not even believe that our son was allergic to peanuts! He had his first reaction at nine months to peanut butter ice cream and for the longest time he would tell people that he thought ds's face got hives "because the ice cream was so cold!" Even the trip to the ER didn't change his mind. He was in denial until our first allergist appointment when our son tested positive for not only peanuts but also tree nuts. My husband has never been on this board even though I have told him about it a zillion times! He too would leave the house without the epis if I didn't remind him. Although to his credit, I have heard him explain the allergy to strangers quite well. I guess he really does listen to me he just doesn't take a large share of the responsibility.
Jaime

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 9:53am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I find everything out, I come here, I talk to the school, and I tell dh everything he needs to know. Therefore he automatically comes away knowing less, as I am sure I do not tell him everything I read here. He is very careful, but would never ask someone to put away nuts or such. He might not wipe a table in a restaurant if I were not there. Those things. He does carry the epipen everywhere and is better about its care porbably moreso than me, who froze the darned things twice already this year! I just spoke to him about looking for info on his own. My rationale is that he needs to really read and see some of the reactions and stories to have it all sink in better, and he might very well catch or remember something I forget or missed. He said he will do that, but we shall see. becca

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 9:54am
Dawn's picture
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Joined: 02/22/1999 - 09:00

My very dear dh usually will just follow my lead. I'm the one reading labels, calling manufacturers, asking at restaurants, educating the family and school, and I do sometimes have to remind him to remember the Epi, but he, too, is very appreciative of all that I do, so that he does not need to. He knows that I need to do all this for my own peace of mind, so he just lets me go at it.
------------------
Be safe,
~Dawn~

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 12:20pm
kelly01's picture
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Joined: 03/19/2001 - 09:00

Similar to some of the other posters, I am the one who checks this website, reads up on the allergy, calls the school, calls ahead for birthday parties, makes sure the perscription is up to date, etc. I then relay all of what I can to DH. Like Becca said of her spouse, he probably has less knowledge because I don't rattle off everything to him. But he is pretty good about following my lead.
I would like to add that this site has been a really valuable source of information!
Regards,
Kelly

Posted on: Wed, 01/15/2003 - 2:11pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

I'd say I'm 100% "with it" and my DH would be 99.9% "with it". Of course, it always wasn't this way. We almost lost our son due to my DH's denial of the severity of Jesse's PA. It took him almost dying for my DH to "get it" and then probably another year or so before he "got it" as completely as I did.
I have found, as we have made this journey, that he has now become a diligent label reader and as passionate about our son's rights in the school system as I am (sometimes even more). It has been very interesting.
I give myself the little bit extra because it's basically me that gathers all of the information re PA and passes it on to him (if there is anything new to talk about) and me that deals with the school, etc.
Somehow in there I can just hear him saying that it's *my job* to deal with all of the health concerns anyway, which, after just reading all of the posts above, would seem to be the case of most all of us Moms.
My DH has certainly NEVER called a manufacturer nor does he inherently know which manufacturer is okay and which isn't just off the top of his head.
But when it comes to whether I can trust Jesse with him, yes, I definitely can.
And yes, it is tiresome being responsible for everything yourself (hugs to all of us [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] )
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------

Posted on: Thu, 01/16/2003 - 9:15am
teacher's picture
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Joined: 11/02/2000 - 09:00

Hmm, my husband is definitely not as "on the ball" as I am. But I'm sure the reason for that is that I read at this site every day and he doesn't.
I got in a really morbid mood before Christmas and started quizzing him about stuff ... the "what-would-happen-if-I-were-gone???" questions. It was scary ....
I know that he would step up to the plate if it were necessary, though. It's only because I enable him to slack off when he does. (That's NOT a slam against him, believe it or not!)
I'd say this is for ALL aspects of the children's lives, the household responsibilities (i.e. mortgage and bills -- "What's that??" he says), and general day-to-day stuff. He's well aware that life would go to hell in a handbasket if he didn't have someone taking care of him. That's as close as we come to the word "gratitude" in OUR house!!! LOL

Posted on: Thu, 01/16/2003 - 11:22am
cynde's picture
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Joined: 12/10/2002 - 09:00

My hubby isn't nearly as careful as I am. A couple of weeks ago he came home with donuts, when I said our son couldn't have any he argued with me in front of our son, and then told him to try a bite and see if anything happened. Then he argued with me about letting our son eat at Dairy Queen. He doesn't understand the allergy nearly as well as I do and he did not see the last anaphylactic reaction that I thought was going to end our sons life.
------------------
Cynde

Posted on: Thu, 01/16/2003 - 3:23pm
mae's picture
mae
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Joined: 07/12/2002 - 09:00

I'm definitely the more diligent one. Dh is great in restaurants, 50/50 with the shopping -label reading ( at least he does some of the shopping).
I deal with school issues/play dates/sunday school snacks/ex. curricular activities and lately with a houseguest who "doesn't get it".
Over Xmas we had a box of gifts/clothes/candy arrive from Japan. A note from the sender ( a Doctor) said the candy is peanut free - Safe for your son" I questioned it- being from a foreign country.
DH said "As long as Dr. ... says its okay, its fine by me"... and has given them to him on occasion.
Our houseguest today translated some of the candy sent.
The apparently safe "Beyblade candy" has Hazelnuts listed in the ingred. DS is allergic to Hazelnuts - and luckily had no reaction.
AAARRGGHH!
DH was shocked when we told him tonight, but I'll still the be "diligent" one.
Take care.... mae [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
[This message has been edited by mae (edited January 17, 2003).]

Posted on: Thu, 01/16/2003 - 10:43pm
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

My husband is not as diligent as me, but I am the obsessed one! He actually brings me back to reality! He still eats peanuts and washes face, hands and mouth thoroughly but it still makes me angry. I tell him that I can't take him on as well as worrying about Coop. He has gotten better about the epipen..but it is now habit for me to remind him. The thing that got him to be more responsible was me reminding him that he is modeling behavior, if Cooper sees him blowing it off then he is more likely to do the same when it becomes more of his responsibility. My goal is that carrying his medicine is just second nature...so far, so good. Every age is a milestone, Coop will start preschool next year which will be a new set of worries.

Posted on: Thu, 01/16/2003 - 11:36pm
river's picture
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Joined: 07/15/1999 - 09:00

I think that generally speaking, it has a lot to do with the difference between men and women. Woman are the anticipators. We search to the future and look for clues in the 'now' to anticipate the dangers ahead. We're more likely to notice all the little possible peanut traces.
Men are the 'now' guys. They deal with what is in front of their faces at the moment. A reaction has less reality for them unless they see it with their own eyes, it's a big one, and affects them directly. That's not to say that they cannot be on the ball when coming from this perspective, but it is more challenging.
Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, but in general this is how we seem to have evolved.

Posted on: Fri, 01/17/2003 - 8:48am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

We both have the same views on peanut allergy management in our home and elsewhere, but that's not to say we don't argue on how a situation should be handled here and there. We're on the same wavelength, though, and are pretty conservative.

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