In-laws not taking this seriously!

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 10:34am
CdnJulie's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/28/2006 - 09:00

I just don't get it!

I told them our 22 month old has a peanut allergy. She has known for several days. I get well, you can give him a little bit. Or, he only had a little reaction. It isn't that serious. The rest of us can eat it at the table.

I talk, and it's as if she does not hear me.

By the way, my oldest is ADHD and is on meds, and same result.

What can I do to open her eyes!!! HELP!!

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 12:35pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Cdn Julie, I always need to ask a ton of questions before I can try to help someone sort something, so please forgive me. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/redface.gif[/img]
How often do you see the in-laws? Do you go to their home? Do they come to your home? Are they ever in a caregiving situation with your PA child?
You've very very new into the journey yourself and there are some members here who are still having difficulties with their family members years after diagnosis. I'm not one of them, but there are.
My son's Father was even in denial for the first year. He wouldn't have fed Jesse any peanut products/pb; but he certainly did not understand the seriousness of it. Actually, for a few months after diagnosis, I didn't understand how serious it was either.
Do you have older children that have been used to eating peanut products/pb?
Sorry for all the questions.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------
If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk up to heaven and bring you back home with me.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 10:00pm
CdnJulie's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/28/2006 - 09:00

The in-laws live 5 minutes away and we see them every occasion, like every 3 weeks. We almost always go to their home. They rarely come to our home. No caregiving unless we go out for an evening.
My 2 older ones love peanut butter. We pulled it until our youngest is older and can look out for himself more and we are more comfortable. They are quite understanding.
We have pulled Tim Hortons and Dairy Queen from our visits and that is also a big loss for our 2 older ones.
I think we will tell in-laws that we are giving them time to look into this allergy, and until we feel comfortable with their take on it, our door is always open.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 11:25pm
Arlene's picture
Offline
Joined: 11/03/2004 - 09:00

Hi ..You could print off different articles from FAAN or the likes.
Or if you really want to hit home with them, there is a rememberance thread going on in this site with a rather long and sad list of people who have died with reactions.
For some reason as CSC pointed out there seem to be a lot of people have trouble with the in laws "not getting it".
Just keep giving them the information, tell them you are not over reacting to this and that your childs life is at risk...then it is up to you what route you want to go down with them being with your child.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 11:58pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Here's a link to the thread that Arlene mentioned:
[url="http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum18/HTML/000426.html"]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum18/HTML/000426.html[/url]
**********
Not sure if you will like my suggestions or not.
You said mil says your son can have a *little bit* or everyone else can have it at the table. As her if she'd feel the same way about dog-poop. Would she eat just a *little bit*? Is it OK to have it on the table while she's eating? (Sometimes I suggest aids infected blood. But, obviously I'm in a foul mood today. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/redface.gif[/img] )
********
Another suggestion is to let her know that [b]you[/b] have looked into this allergy, and nobody can tell you that his reactions won't get worse. But people can tell you that they might. And the more exposure he has to peanuts, the higher that risk is.
Tell her, that until she can [b]prove[/b] that his reactions will never get worse you are not taking the chance. And, she has to prove it through reputable sources, of course.
***********
Regarding the ADHD - sometimes in the Off Topic forum there are ongoing discussions about ADHD and learning disabilities. Feel free to join in there. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Mon, 05/01/2006 - 4:53am
SallyL's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/20/2006 - 09:00

You aren't alone! Same here! I didn't send the link to the memorials to my family...didn't want them to find out I post here and know what I said about them! LOL But I did send them some links with articles about PA deaths and especially ones that refered to those who had previously only had mild reactions. That, plus seeing her medic alert seemed to kick in somewhat. With inlaws I find it harder since they are DH's family. He's good at asking his mother about what is in food and reading the labels in front of her so she starts getting a hint. I have to be like a hawk!
My advice would be the same as above - gather some materials and give it to them, or have your spouse give it to them. I found with my family I really needed to push the issue for awhile and then they 'got it' so I can let up. But they are reminded all the time since there is always something she can't have there (but that's another issue!)

Posted on: Mon, 05/01/2006 - 5:24am
gvmom's picture
Offline
Joined: 08/24/2005 - 09:00

My in-laws don't get it -- I know I have posted about them around here. My MIL is a nurse even. We don't go to their home. They don't watch the children. And we don't allow them to bring food over -- we have a nut & egg free home -- and they were constantly bringing over unsafe food.
We have known about the nut allergy since DS#1 was 11 months old, and he is now 6 1/2. They didn't get it then, they don't get it now, they don't seem interested in learning anything and they have put our kids in more jeopardy, with regard to FA's, than everyone else in our lives combined.
If they want to see the kids, it is at our house, on our time, with our rules. Now we, of course, haven't blatently stated it like that to their faces (not that they'd pay attention if we did) -- but that is how we work it. They invite us to anything, we decline. They want to do something, we suggest an alternative that we are willing to do. (the last brilliant idea they had was going to this one farm -- uh, yeah, they harvest walnuts there, as if...).
Well, anyway, I think you get where I'm coming from. Just remember, it is your child, your rules -- you have to keep him safe, even if the in-laws get their toes stepped on.

Posted on: Mon, 05/01/2006 - 7:09am
Christabelle's picture
Offline
Joined: 10/03/2004 - 09:00

I think you might cure her of her deafness problem if you refrain from visiting or socializing if they are going to insist on eating it at the table around your child or continue insisting your child can have 'a little bit.'
Then follow through.
In any event - you pretty much have to start doing that to keep your child safe, whether it teaches her what you'll tolerate or not. She may never get it. Her loss!

Posted on: Mon, 05/01/2006 - 10:37pm
CdnJulie's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/28/2006 - 09:00

Thank you so much for all this info. Have checked the FAAN site and plan on printing some stuff off that. Put on hold the book recommended from the library. Also read those entries from those who passed away.... my heart goes to those parents!
For now, we are no longer going to in-laws for meals. They will come here and we will tell them why.
We will take full responsibility for his environment and do our best to keep him safe.
In the meantime, Chapman's Peanut-Free Ice Cream has some very cool flavours!!!!

Posted on: Tue, 05/02/2006 - 3:46am
gw_mom3's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/14/2000 - 09:00

[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] Good luck. My inlaws are the same way-even after I printed out lots of stuff from FAAN and shown mil a video. She's completely clueless and apparently doesn't care. We no longer eat there AT ALL and don't even go on holidays because even the environment isn't safe for dd. I hope your inlaws are better than mine.
------------------
==============
[b]~Gale~[/b]

Posted on: Wed, 05/03/2006 - 11:16am
CorinneM1's picture
Offline
Joined: 06/20/2002 - 09:00

I agree with some of the advice that is here. Until the "get it" all visits are at your house and no food is brought in. My MIL and my family get it now, but during the learning curve we openly tossed out food that they brought in, or told them to take it back to their cars and home bc I couldn't have it in the house.
My mom got it when I gave her a copy of the "Peanut Allergy Answer book". But she still slips every once in awhile (mostly baked goods from the grocery store that are labeled, but no may contains but allergen statements.
If your MIL doesn't get it and you don't think that she would appreciate or read the Peanut Allergy Answer book, then perhaps let her read your little one a copy of Allie the Allergic Elephant.
Either read should help her "get it".

Posted on: Thu, 05/04/2006 - 8:44am
lalow's picture
Offline
Joined: 03/24/2004 - 09:00

I have been really lucky because even when my family and in laws really didnt understand they were still respectful of our requests. My MIL still doesnt really understand but she has been very good about humouring us. She usually has peanuts in her cabinet and so on our once a year visit I just hide them in the back. My SIL explained to her why and I left it at that. SIL also explained to her why her children dont eat PB and J when we visit (she didnt understand but the kids did). My father doesnt really get it either but again he just goes along with it all. (even thought peanuts are his favorite snack)
------------------
Lalow
James 4 yrs, NKA
Ben 3 yrs, PA and MA and SA

Posted on: Fri, 05/05/2006 - 2:35pm
McCobbre's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/16/2005 - 09:00

I can't contribute more about the MIL situation than others have.
But about your two older children: try Sungold's Sunbutter (creamy or crunchy). It's the closest thing to PB I've had, and we've tried several things. They also make a trail mix.
You may also want to try Peabutter and Soybutter (IM Healthy makes chocolate soybutter). See what they like as an alternative. There are even recipes in the recipies board with these things--at least with Sunbutter and Peabutter.
Good luck!

Posted on: Sat, 05/06/2006 - 12:15pm
CdnJulie's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/28/2006 - 09:00

I got a copy of the Peanut Allergy Handbook from the library and luckily because our local book store do not carry it in-store. I ordered 2, one for us and one for the in-laws!
In the meantime no visits for a few weeks which at times is not unusual.

Posted on: Tue, 05/16/2006 - 1:24am
saknjmom's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/02/2003 - 09:00

I understand your frustration and anger, I have also dealt with family not getting it.
I am not defending your in laws, but it is very common that people do not understand the peanut allergies.
How much did you know until you had to deal with it face on? I remember thinking that others would not have these foods around just out of respect to the safety of my child. Many do not understand the cross contamination or airborne problems.
They don't understand how uncomfortable a bowl of nuts can make you feel.
I would give analagies to explain this stuff.
poision ivy--you don't eat it, but touching and some people react by breathing it in.
cross contamination--I like the play doh analagy. when you use it, the blue gets mixed to the red, the red to the yellow etc. Also, peanut food dropping into non peanut food while serving. etc.
Airborne--second hand smoke, pollen in the air, pollution in the air etc.
I would tell the story again in detail about your child's reaction. Show the epi pen. Show how it works. I find that face to face rather than giving reading materials is better. You can't make them read it. I have given articles to family/friends but only when i point out the major parts of the material.
Make the rules clear. We cannot be in your home if you are eating nuts of any type, if you will not read the labels of the foods you are preparing, if you have nutty food in the open, if you fail to understand the seriousness of the allergy.
I have left many family gatherings due to inconsiderations and failure to follow a reasonable accommodation for my son.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 12:35pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Cdn Julie, I always need to ask a ton of questions before I can try to help someone sort something, so please forgive me. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/redface.gif[/img]
How often do you see the in-laws? Do you go to their home? Do they come to your home? Are they ever in a caregiving situation with your PA child?
You've very very new into the journey yourself and there are some members here who are still having difficulties with their family members years after diagnosis. I'm not one of them, but there are.
My son's Father was even in denial for the first year. He wouldn't have fed Jesse any peanut products/pb; but he certainly did not understand the seriousness of it. Actually, for a few months after diagnosis, I didn't understand how serious it was either.
Do you have older children that have been used to eating peanut products/pb?
Sorry for all the questions.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
------------------
If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk up to heaven and bring you back home with me.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 10:00pm
CdnJulie's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/28/2006 - 09:00

The in-laws live 5 minutes away and we see them every occasion, like every 3 weeks. We almost always go to their home. They rarely come to our home. No caregiving unless we go out for an evening.
My 2 older ones love peanut butter. We pulled it until our youngest is older and can look out for himself more and we are more comfortable. They are quite understanding.
We have pulled Tim Hortons and Dairy Queen from our visits and that is also a big loss for our 2 older ones.
I think we will tell in-laws that we are giving them time to look into this allergy, and until we feel comfortable with their take on it, our door is always open.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 11:25pm
Arlene's picture
Offline
Joined: 11/03/2004 - 09:00

Hi ..You could print off different articles from FAAN or the likes.
Or if you really want to hit home with them, there is a rememberance thread going on in this site with a rather long and sad list of people who have died with reactions.
For some reason as CSC pointed out there seem to be a lot of people have trouble with the in laws "not getting it".
Just keep giving them the information, tell them you are not over reacting to this and that your childs life is at risk...then it is up to you what route you want to go down with them being with your child.

Posted on: Sun, 04/30/2006 - 11:58pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Here's a link to the thread that Arlene mentioned:
[url="http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum18/HTML/000426.html"]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum18/HTML/000426.html[/url]
**********
Not sure if you will like my suggestions or not.
You said mil says your son can have a *little bit* or everyone else can have it at the table. As her if she'd feel the same way about dog-poop. Would she eat just a *little bit*? Is it OK to have it on the table while she's eating? (Sometimes I suggest aids infected blood. But, obviously I'm in a foul mood today. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/redface.gif[/img] )
********
Another suggestion is to let her know that [b]you[/b] have looked into this allergy, and nobody can tell you that his reactions won't get worse. But people can tell you that they might. And the more exposure he has to peanuts, the higher that risk is.
Tell her, that until she can [b]prove[/b] that his reactions will never get worse you are not taking the chance. And, she has to prove it through reputable sources, of course.
***********
Regarding the ADHD - sometimes in the Off Topic forum there are ongoing discussions about ADHD and learning disabilities. Feel free to join in there. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Mon, 05/01/2006 - 4:53am
SallyL's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/20/2006 - 09:00

You aren't alone! Same here! I didn't send the link to the memorials to my family...didn't want them to find out I post here and know what I said about them! LOL But I did send them some links with articles about PA deaths and especially ones that refered to those who had previously only had mild reactions. That, plus seeing her medic alert seemed to kick in somewhat. With inlaws I find it harder since they are DH's family. He's good at asking his mother about what is in food and reading the labels in front of her so she starts getting a hint. I have to be like a hawk!
My advice would be the same as above - gather some materials and give it to them, or have your spouse give it to them. I found with my family I really needed to push the issue for awhile and then they 'got it' so I can let up. But they are reminded all the time since there is always something she can't have there (but that's another issue!)

Posted on: Mon, 05/01/2006 - 5:24am
gvmom's picture
Offline
Joined: 08/24/2005 - 09:00

My in-laws don't get it -- I know I have posted about them around here. My MIL is a nurse even. We don't go to their home. They don't watch the children. And we don't allow them to bring food over -- we have a nut & egg free home -- and they were constantly bringing over unsafe food.
We have known about the nut allergy since DS#1 was 11 months old, and he is now 6 1/2. They didn't get it then, they don't get it now, they don't seem interested in learning anything and they have put our kids in more jeopardy, with regard to FA's, than everyone else in our lives combined.
If they want to see the kids, it is at our house, on our time, with our rules. Now we, of course, haven't blatently stated it like that to their faces (not that they'd pay attention if we did) -- but that is how we work it. They invite us to anything, we decline. They want to do something, we suggest an alternative that we are willing to do. (the last brilliant idea they had was going to this one farm -- uh, yeah, they harvest walnuts there, as if...).
Well, anyway, I think you get where I'm coming from. Just remember, it is your child, your rules -- you have to keep him safe, even if the in-laws get their toes stepped on.

Posted on: Mon, 05/01/2006 - 7:09am
Christabelle's picture
Offline
Joined: 10/03/2004 - 09:00

I think you might cure her of her deafness problem if you refrain from visiting or socializing if they are going to insist on eating it at the table around your child or continue insisting your child can have 'a little bit.'
Then follow through.
In any event - you pretty much have to start doing that to keep your child safe, whether it teaches her what you'll tolerate or not. She may never get it. Her loss!

Posted on: Mon, 05/01/2006 - 10:37pm
CdnJulie's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/28/2006 - 09:00

Thank you so much for all this info. Have checked the FAAN site and plan on printing some stuff off that. Put on hold the book recommended from the library. Also read those entries from those who passed away.... my heart goes to those parents!
For now, we are no longer going to in-laws for meals. They will come here and we will tell them why.
We will take full responsibility for his environment and do our best to keep him safe.
In the meantime, Chapman's Peanut-Free Ice Cream has some very cool flavours!!!!

Posted on: Tue, 05/02/2006 - 3:46am
gw_mom3's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/14/2000 - 09:00

[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] Good luck. My inlaws are the same way-even after I printed out lots of stuff from FAAN and shown mil a video. She's completely clueless and apparently doesn't care. We no longer eat there AT ALL and don't even go on holidays because even the environment isn't safe for dd. I hope your inlaws are better than mine.
------------------
==============
[b]~Gale~[/b]

Posted on: Wed, 05/03/2006 - 11:16am
CorinneM1's picture
Offline
Joined: 06/20/2002 - 09:00

I agree with some of the advice that is here. Until the "get it" all visits are at your house and no food is brought in. My MIL and my family get it now, but during the learning curve we openly tossed out food that they brought in, or told them to take it back to their cars and home bc I couldn't have it in the house.
My mom got it when I gave her a copy of the "Peanut Allergy Answer book". But she still slips every once in awhile (mostly baked goods from the grocery store that are labeled, but no may contains but allergen statements.
If your MIL doesn't get it and you don't think that she would appreciate or read the Peanut Allergy Answer book, then perhaps let her read your little one a copy of Allie the Allergic Elephant.
Either read should help her "get it".

Posted on: Thu, 05/04/2006 - 8:44am
lalow's picture
Offline
Joined: 03/24/2004 - 09:00

I have been really lucky because even when my family and in laws really didnt understand they were still respectful of our requests. My MIL still doesnt really understand but she has been very good about humouring us. She usually has peanuts in her cabinet and so on our once a year visit I just hide them in the back. My SIL explained to her why and I left it at that. SIL also explained to her why her children dont eat PB and J when we visit (she didnt understand but the kids did). My father doesnt really get it either but again he just goes along with it all. (even thought peanuts are his favorite snack)
------------------
Lalow
James 4 yrs, NKA
Ben 3 yrs, PA and MA and SA

Posted on: Fri, 05/05/2006 - 2:35pm
McCobbre's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/16/2005 - 09:00

I can't contribute more about the MIL situation than others have.
But about your two older children: try Sungold's Sunbutter (creamy or crunchy). It's the closest thing to PB I've had, and we've tried several things. They also make a trail mix.
You may also want to try Peabutter and Soybutter (IM Healthy makes chocolate soybutter). See what they like as an alternative. There are even recipes in the recipies board with these things--at least with Sunbutter and Peabutter.
Good luck!

Posted on: Sat, 05/06/2006 - 12:15pm
CdnJulie's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/28/2006 - 09:00

I got a copy of the Peanut Allergy Handbook from the library and luckily because our local book store do not carry it in-store. I ordered 2, one for us and one for the in-laws!
In the meantime no visits for a few weeks which at times is not unusual.

Posted on: Tue, 05/16/2006 - 1:24am
saknjmom's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/02/2003 - 09:00

I understand your frustration and anger, I have also dealt with family not getting it.
I am not defending your in laws, but it is very common that people do not understand the peanut allergies.
How much did you know until you had to deal with it face on? I remember thinking that others would not have these foods around just out of respect to the safety of my child. Many do not understand the cross contamination or airborne problems.
They don't understand how uncomfortable a bowl of nuts can make you feel.
I would give analagies to explain this stuff.
poision ivy--you don't eat it, but touching and some people react by breathing it in.
cross contamination--I like the play doh analagy. when you use it, the blue gets mixed to the red, the red to the yellow etc. Also, peanut food dropping into non peanut food while serving. etc.
Airborne--second hand smoke, pollen in the air, pollution in the air etc.
I would tell the story again in detail about your child's reaction. Show the epi pen. Show how it works. I find that face to face rather than giving reading materials is better. You can't make them read it. I have given articles to family/friends but only when i point out the major parts of the material.
Make the rules clear. We cannot be in your home if you are eating nuts of any type, if you will not read the labels of the foods you are preparing, if you have nutty food in the open, if you fail to understand the seriousness of the allergy.
I have left many family gatherings due to inconsiderations and failure to follow a reasonable accommodation for my son.

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