I\'m Being Sucky About PA Son\'s Non-Invitation to Birthday Party

Posted on: Thu, 01/18/2001 - 12:30pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

pI have often maintained that Jesse does not get invited to birthday parties because of his PA and because people are simply afraid.br /
He is an extremely social, outgoing little guy who has a lot of friends at school. He had a good turn out at his birthday party./p
pWhen it comes to party invitations from school, I can compare his lack of ANY to those of my friend's two children (twins) the same age. They are ALWAYS being invited. They are not "better behaved" than Jesse.br /
The one child is as social and the other child is less so. But, they are still always invited./p
pSo, Jesse's birthday party invitations have been pretty limited. He was invited to the birthday party of the little girl who lived next door to us. I stayed with him. Then, he is always invited to my friend's children's parties (the friend and children mentioned above and her older son's as well).br /
He is usually invited to another little girl's birthday party that lives where we do./p
pThis little girl started school this year so obviously her choice of who she can invite has opened up considerably. She is in Jesse's class but is a year behind (JK instead of SK) because she is one month younger. Her birthday is tomorrow and I know her birthday party is this coming week-end because her Mother actually called me to see if she could get a list of class names for her daughter to use to invite children./p
pTwo years ago, Jesse was invited and Ember wasn't, which is fine, because Em is two years younger. Last year, at the last minute, Jesse had been invited and the Mom needed some help from me so Em got to go too.br /
The Mother had made sure when she ordered the cake from Dairy Queen that she specified "peanut free". She is fairly aware of PA, having driven us to emerg when Jesse had his last anaphylactic reaction. Her daughter was also invited to and attended Jesse's birthday party last month and Em's in September./p
pNeither of my children got an invitation. Now, it could be a couple of things. This little girl now has a whole class of children that she can choose from and doesn't have to simply go with the kids that live close with her. And I seem to notice with girls that they prefer to have girls at their parties.br /
Jesse, although he invites boys, always ends up with more girls! It could be simply this./p
pOr, it could be that because the Mother is going to be dealing with a lot of new children that she doesn't know and meeting a lot of new parents that she wants to make a good impression on (she gets more wigged out than I do about a child's birthday party - I blame it on her being one day older than I am!) that she doesn't want to have to deal with the PA too./p
pI know I've probably already explained it all out and there is a very logical reason why neither of my children were invited. They, of course, don't know that the little girl is having a party so their feelings aren't hurt.br /
But mine are. Even if this isn't a specific example of Jess not getting invited to a birthday party because of his PA (and I'm still questioning that obviously), it's just that it's the one of very few parties I could count on him being invited to./p
pMy Mother had said before that she would prefer if he wasn't invited to any because she would be so worried. Well, I'm the type of parent that would either stay or make sure things were "safe" and left if the parent preferred that. Also, I don't seem to remember attending a lot of birthday parties when I was a child, other than cousins (who were much too young for me to be going to), so my Mom has her own way of thinking about these things anyway./p
pI just feel sad for Jesse and I just wish I could somehow speak with each and every parent and say "there's nothing to be afraid of" - I'll make sure of that - I'll stay - I'll do whatever you want so my guy can attend a birthday party like other kids his age./p
pMy heart is just breaking and it's only my heart. I know that Jesse "gets" his PA so much better than I do most of the time, but I still feel really sad regardless./p
pThanks for listening./p
pBest wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]/p
p------------------/p

Posted on: Thu, 01/18/2001 - 2:35pm
ImSharonA's picture
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Joined: 01/12/2001 - 09:00

OH Cindy!
How I understand what you are feeling today ......there can be so many explainations......it's very possible that this child only invited children from the class or that she only invited girls .....there are so many reasons ...and none may be related to PA ...
My daughter had add and was often not invited to parties ....I would sit and cry......feeling the rejection that my child fortunately didn't experience .....but trust me ......she is now 28, very popular, very happy and gawd SHE does not even remember the parties she was NOT invited to but laughs and giggles at the memories of those she WAS .....
Sometimes, you just have to chalk it up to the mom being utterly stupid and insensitive!
*hugging you *
Sharon

Posted on: Thu, 01/18/2001 - 10:41pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

My son hasn't been invited to a party other than family in the last three years. He could bring safe foods(multiple food allergies). He has severe eczema and doesn't feel like he has school friends. He involved in boyscouts and has acquantances but no best friend. He does get along well with his older brother. I keep meaning to have him invite someone over on a weekend- It is sure a job for us as both husband and I work full time and usually husband has second job and sat mornings that I'm busy with trying to catch up on housework. We are trying to move into single fam home from our rather crammed townhome. Son's home from school today with cold/asthma.
We have rather down played birthdays lately.
Take Care,
JanBP

Posted on: Thu, 01/18/2001 - 11:54pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Cindy, I can relate! Boy, can I relate! Sharon has a good point, it could be totally unrelated BUT I know for a fact my son was rejected from a birthday party last year. There were 2 PA children in the class. My son and a little girl. I was up at the school for a function and the mother of a child in my son's class was telling me about her daughter's upcoming birthday party. I assumed (we all know what that stands for) that because she was telling me about it, my son was invited. Well, she proceeds to ask me who the other PA child is, so I tell her. Well, by doing that, I sealed both their fate for being EXCLUDED from the party. I couldn't believe it.
I know exactly the pain you are feeling right now. That was a heartwrenching moment. And I know I took it very hard (my son didn't even know about the party).
I hope everything works out for you.
------------------
Stay Safe.
[This message has been edited by Connie (edited January 19, 2001).]

Posted on: Thu, 01/18/2001 - 11:56pm
no nuts's picture
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Joined: 10/24/2000 - 09:00

My PA child gets invited to very few parties or activities. I've had people say Oh that would be to hard to monitor, or, I can't ask people to not bring PB. Sometimes it bothers me and sometimes I'm relieved just to not have to deal with it. I feel so sad for her exclusion but fortunately she doesn't seem to notice (yet).

Posted on: Fri, 01/19/2001 - 12:12am
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Cayley went to her 1st "friend" birthday party in mid-December. The mother (my friend) called and asked me where to order the cake from, so it would be peanut-free, plus she asked that either DH or I go with her, plus she made a special loot-bag for Cayley that was completely safe.
At age 3, it is always a good idea for a parent to accompany the child *anyway*, because the parent hosting the party has his/her hands full, as it is! There are lots of foods to choose from that are kid-friendly AND peanut-free.
I'm expecting Cayley to be excluded in the future, and I will be upset (and I feel for you, Cindy, Connie and no nuts) but what can we do?! If people don't want to make the extra effort for our PA kids, then they're sure not worth pursuing a friendship with, IMO. It's just explaining this to our kids that's the hard part...

Posted on: Fri, 01/19/2001 - 1:37am
mom2two's picture
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Joined: 06/09/2000 - 09:00

my one and only experience w/this was christmas time. my, what I thought, good friend who has a daugther the same age and is friends and daisy scout mates w/my daughter invited our family over for a small christams eve party with a few other families.
Now, I should note, we do NOT limit the parties or affairs we go to due to nuts. I always ask the mother when we are there what is in the cake, all of the moms are already aware and are pretty good with that stuff and I may call ahead to ask if I should bring cupcakes, etc. ifi they are unsure about the cake, etc.
My daughter will not eat anything there without checking with me (unless of course there are cheesedoodles which she will scarf up no matter what, lets hope they dont have may contains!).
anyway, this "friend" is quite extreme in her anxiety's and behaviours at times and is always talking aobut my daughters peanut allergy, more so than me! every time I would see her before the party, whether we were with our daughters or not (5 year olds by the way) she would go on and on about what is in the food she is serving, how she has asked all the people she is buying food from what is in it, etc. My daughter's daisy troop leader has commented that she has heard a lot more about my daughter's peanut allergy and issues connected with it and possible warnings from my friends than from me! I am quite a bit more laid back, although very vigilant.
anyway, to make a long story even longer. I told my friend to relax, we (my daughter and I) would make desserts for the kids, (she was very concerned about possible cross contamination from bakergy goods) and bring other snacks as well. The other stuff wasn't too appealing to kids anyway. My daughter was very excited.
2 days before the party this LUNATIC calls me up, and after going on and on for days about her concerns, carefullness, etc. proceeds to tell me that some other people have been invited and she "just doesn't think its right to tell people to not bring stuff with nuts in it too her home!"?!?!?!?!?!
I wanted to grab her throat thru the phone. !!!
She, meanwhile, has no idea that we would have come anyway, we go everywhere and don't let the PA affect that, my daugher is not touch or smell sensitive and as I said we are all very vigilant.
But what really made me mad is this fruitcake THINKS we are as paranoid as she is but proceeds to think nothing of totally disappointing a 5 year old at the cost of "inconveniencing" friends invited at the last minute. Besides, I am sure the friends could care less. I mean, her daughter is totally phobic about cats, she is extremely allergic to smoke, etc. and I would not HESITATE to tell people not to smoke, bring pets, etc.
I, naturlaly will not deal with this "nut" job (excuse the phrase LOL) again.
My point being that she put on this whole act of caring and being concernend but when it came to the least bit of inconvenience, my daughters feelings are thrown out the windwo.
Oh, and by the way, I was very civil. She called and said, "now I know you may want to cancel, I won't be offended as I know how you now must feel" (i dont think she did for if she knew how I felt at that moment seh would have been dialing 911!Q)
so I said, we will not be attending, do not DARE mention to my daughter the reason why and hung up.
I have not seen her since, AND, she is such a kook!!! she has actually pulled her daughter out of daisy scouts (I can only guess as she is aware that I was angry and thinks somehow her daugheter will spill the beans and I will get angrier?)
Again, I must reiterate, we never cancel plans due to nuts being served.
I do understand people's fears of dealing with PA though, especially if they sense our total anxiety and fear about it. I find that if I am calm and rational about it, explain easy alternatives, they are accepting and my daugher is invited to all the parties. Her preschool sent a note to all parents w/her name on it about her PA and her new kindergarten did the same, she has been invited to all the parties so far as I know (at least all the girls parties).

Posted on: Fri, 01/19/2001 - 2:25am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

mom2mom, what a horrible experience! I really don't get it. I think where I live, people are simply afraid and/or ignorant.
And perhaps they're the type of people that don't want to appear that way and actually approach me and ask me about different "safe" foods for a birthday party.
Now, I know I managed to have what I consider great birthday parties for both of my children, with no peanut products at all and even "safe" loot bags. But, I also know that I was in an absolute frenzy trying to make my house look okay enough for people to come into. The friend I posted about above, whose child is having the party - she takes the word frenzy to a new height. I can well imagine her state. Then, if she adds the PA into it, which she is already extremely nervous about, having witnessed it's affects first hand, it's probably, why bother?
SharonA., I'm thinking that you're probably right. However, Jesse is in her class too.
Well, for anyone that has children my age, you always know you have an open invitation to their birthday parties, which you can rest well assured will be "safe".
mom2mom, I don't even know how to respond to what happened to you. To cancel at the last moment because she couldn't ask people not to bring nuts? I don't get it. I really don't.
I have a "no smoking" sign on my front door?
(I'm a smoker - I smoke outside). It doesn't seem to deter people from coming to my house, smokers included. What if we had one of those wonderful signs from Arlene's website on our front doors too, about being a "peanut free" zone? What is so difficult about that?
Why do people find it so difficult to accommodate others? I was also going to go into the argument that it's a very ME oriented society we live in. My friend above, when given the choice of what is more important, has chosen ME (meaning herself) and the less stress the better. I'm not like that.
And, interestingly enough, I have another girlfriend who does not live close to me. She has a 12 year old daughter. When her daughter brings a new friend home, the first thing my friend asks the child if they're going to eat anything is - are you allergic to any foods and have you had this particular food before? Where did she get her common sense and compassion as her child is completely healthy?
Again, I think it may be in part to little girls being little girls and only wanting girls at their parties. But I also suspect PA is playing into it too.
You don't know how my eyes filled with tears when I read everyone else's posts that were very similar to my original one. We're going to keep hurting, aren't we? The only positive thing I can say is that at least we don't show it to our children and we have this website to share it on!
Thank-you everyone.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Fri, 01/19/2001 - 2:44am
andy's picture
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Joined: 04/26/2001 - 09:00

Hi Cindy. I do not even know how to react to this because it is so sad. I have got to believe if the other parents read what you wrote here they would understand how hard this is on you. I am sure they do not mean anything wrong and maybe if somehow they understood this better this would not happen again. How would they feel if it was their child that was PA? When I was growing up people did not think about this, so it was not a problem. I hope you will have a opportunity to communicate with the other parents so this does not happen again. Andy

Posted on: Fri, 01/19/2001 - 3:36am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Andy, thank-you so much for your kind words.
I just can't figure out how to speak with all of the other parents. Now, there are the few that brought their children to Jesse's birthday party and I'm sure they were told their child had fun despite no peanuts/nuts.
And their "safe" loot bags were great. I'm just not clear how to deal with parents en masse. You have given me one idea though - the newspaper is still supposed to be publishing an article re Jesse and PA. I should call the woman and see when it's coming out.
But then, I'm afraid that after people read that and recognize the seriousness of PA, then they'll definitely be afraid.
I know that often we think that if people don't care about us and our children then we shouldn't give a toss about them either. But I'm not that kind of person. When Jesse took his birthday party invitations into school, I made sure that they were in an envelope addressed to the teacher so that she could put them in each child's knapsack at the end of the day rather than singling children out.
I was sensitive about how the children who weren't getting invitations might feel.
I think this may be even a "bigger" thing for me because I felt very isolated and alone growing up and I wasn't PA. I'm not clear what it was. And I never wanted my children to experience life the way I did. That's why I've opened up the lines of communication as best as I can, so that they'll at least TALK to me when something is bothering them. I never talked to my parents about what was bugging me. My Mother reminds me, even to-day, that I would always say NOTHING and go to my room.
Perhaps that's the only breakthrough I'll be able to make with my children - that they'll at least feel comfortable talking to me about what they're feeling. It looks like I'm not going to be able to stop some isolation and hurt and aloneness.
Andy, when I checked my e-mail and saw the notification was from you, I came back here.
Otherwise, I tend not to all the time or I'd never be off the computer. I usually leave all my notifications until 11:00 p.m. when I scroll down the daily topics.
I hope everything is okay with you stress wise. And thank-you for caring about my little guy and me.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Fri, 01/19/2001 - 3:42am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

That's the other thing I was thinking about too. Jesse and his sister both have birthday parties. I forget how many children ended up showing up to Jesse's birthday party. Now, they're both at ages where they don't notice that kids are coming to their birthday parties but hey, they are being invited to any. What do I do then? Then, in thinking along those lines, what if Em gets invited to a lot and Jesse still to none?
I'm not PMS-ing, so that's not why I'm weepy.
I just simply am. To top it off, I was late getting up this morning and late getting Jesse to school (BAD MOMMY!). Then, I got a call from the school that Jesse had been hit in the face with some kind of ice ball and they weren't clear if I should have him picked up and taken to the doctor. I called back and the secretary told me that no, Jesse was okay and back in his class having fun.
It didn't help also that I saw the Mom of the birthday girl this morning when I was going to the bank. It didn't help that when I did take Jesse in I saw her daughter (everyone was gettng ready for recess, that's how BAD I am) and I said Happy Birthday Honey!
I guess I said it in the title to the thread - I'm being Sucky!
Thanks so much for listening, I really appreciate it. Otherwise, I think I'd just be sitting here crying and over what some people might think is stupidity.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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