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Posted on: Mon, 02/20/2006 - 9:25am
mommyofmatt's picture
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Joined: 03/12/2004 - 09:00

Peanut Hater,
Glad to see you stuck around this thread [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img], and you too MimiM, and that you've cleared the air here.
You know your dd best peanut hater, and I'm sure you'll come up with a solution. For some reason I keep thinking of the solution as being a gradual process...something like this maybe?
1) See a doctor who could explain that it's not safe for you to taste test your dd's food because everyone's body is different, and have the doctor review steps to ensure food safety and reaction treatment if a mistake occurs.
2) Find a way to "connect" your dd to other kids with allergies, through books or FAAN newsletter, or have you seen the thread with pictures of many of our kids? My ds LOVES looking at these pictures, I'll link it here.
Edited to add link to the picture thread:
[url="http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum22/HTML/002893.html"]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum22/HTML/002893.html[/url]
3) Find a way to be absent (?) during some of her meals, or a way to refuse to test her food, telling her that it's not a guarantee of a safe food, and you don't want her to rely on it???
4) Once you see progress in her feelings about managing her allergy and eating independently of you, then you decide whether to tell her you outgrew the allergy or you pretended you had one to help her overcome her fear. Personally, I think I'd tell her I pretended it to try to protect her, but now you know it was a bad idea based on what the doctor explained.
I hope you'll keep us posted on how this turns out [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] Good luck. Meg
[This message has been edited by mommyofmatt (edited February 20, 2006).]

Posted on: Mon, 02/20/2006 - 10:20am
LisaM's picture
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Joined: 11/04/2005 - 09:00

"LisaM, I am curious how you would have handled this situation as a teenager with your mother. What would your reaction be if your mother "came clean" at that age? Looking back how hard would this be on you to know your mother had lied to you all these years?"
I have a good relp with my mom overall so if my mom had dealt with my allergies that way, I think I would be shocked but I would get over it. I would have been totally fine with my mom "developing" a short term allergy to deal with an emergency situation....years of this would be a bit harder to take, but I think I would have understood. I do think though that it is probably better to deal with this sooner rather than later if your daughter is feeling more confident that she can eat safely on her own. If she isn't, I'd suggest focussing on helping her with this and getting some professional advice on how to handle the situation with the aim of breaking the news to her when she is better able to handle it. The suggestion to link up with other allergic children is a good one. Two children (and their mom [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] ) have started up a website to connect to other allergic children:
[url="http://www.epi-man.com./"]http://www.epi-man.com./[/url]
I can understand how it also might be upsetting to your daughter to realise that she is "alone" in all of this---but you could still show solidarity by refusing to eat peanuts yourself. You could tell her that even though you don't have an allergy, you will not eat peanuts either...there might be some comfort in that. (and it is a good idea anyways since people can react to peanut-protein laden kisses on the cheek even after teeth are brushed thoroughly)
[This message has been edited by LisaM (edited February 20, 2006).]

Posted on: Mon, 02/20/2006 - 10:25am
LisaM's picture
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Joined: 11/04/2005 - 09:00

there's this website also:
[url="http://www.safe4kids.ca/"]http://www.safe4kids.ca/[/url]

Posted on: Tue, 02/28/2006 - 7:05am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

LOL. I am raising because my lie is almost exposed today! My Tooth Fairy lie! Yikes! I do not want to stop this lie, yet. My 6yo dd's friend is here and lost her tooth 5 minutes ago. I helped her clean up and asked very carefully, if the Tooth Fairy visits her home.
Tthey are fundamentalist Christians and I expected maybe not. I knew dd was going to go on and on about it so wanted to gage how they do things, so as not to have hurt feelings on either side.
Thankfully, we were alone in the bathroom, and she is very sweet, seeming to have a sense of being discreet(I bet her mom has taught her this) and says quietlty, "Yes, but I know it is my mom." I asked her to not tell dd because in our home the Tooth Fairy will only come for as long as one believes, and Rebecca does believe. She got it. Cute.
But, they are only 6 and if thay start talking about the Fairy, I know it will be hard not to be honest, for either of them!
So, I have lied, plan on continuing the lie, and hope it will work out that way this afternoon! LOL. becca
[This message has been edited by becca (edited February 28, 2006).]

Posted on: Tue, 02/28/2006 - 7:39am
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Oh, Becca, how funny! My daughter only yesterday very [i]carefully, seriously[/i] asked me if the Easter Bunny is like Santa Claus... me, "oh, how do you mean, honey?" Her,(almost whispering) "You know, does the Easter Bunny stop visiting your house if, you know, you [i]see[/i] her in action??" Her eyes were positively [i]dancing[/i] as she asked. "Do you think the Easter Bunny will know not to get me a Hershey bunny this year because those have milk in them? I mean, maybe my basket could have XXXXX in it instead. Do you think so?"(pointedly)
She totally gets it, but suspended disbelief is so funny to watch. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 5:19am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Maybe, when you feel she is ready to trust foods that aren't tested by a PA mom first, you can tell her you "outgrew" your allergy. Preferably right after a doctor's appointment. She is young enough that she probably won't remember this later in life, but if she does, when she is old enough, explain that you were worried about her, and lied to her out of fear for her well-being.

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 6:02am
mommyofmatt's picture
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Joined: 03/12/2004 - 09:00

How's her letter recognition at her age? Could you teach her to recognize the word peanut on labels and start going over labels with her. Once she starts to recognize it, try to make it a game (if you can?)...who can find the word peanut first.
Maybe explain you want to help her learn to protect herself too. Are you with her for every meal? Could you remove yourself from a few meals after you and she have reviewed the labels and know it's safe?
Sorry she had such a bad reaction that made her so afraid [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] Meg

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 7:04am
MimiM's picture
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Joined: 10/10/2003 - 09:00

I'm sorry ahead of time if I'm probably going to sound quite harsh but I have to say I am quite disturbed at your aproach to this situation.
In my opinion, it is much better to be honest with children then to lie. Why didn't you just tell her that you made a mistake by letting her eat the neighbors food. You could have said, "Honey, Mommy made a mistake by letting you eat that snack. I thought that it would be O.K. but I was wrong. I will never make that mistake again because I will be more careful next time. I love you and I want you to be safe."
Quote:Originally posted by peanut hater:
[b]"she stopped trusting anyone."[/b]
I don't blame her!
[b] Quote:"I decided to tell her that I was allergic to peanut too so that she would see that if I ate it and was o.k.[/b]
But you are not allergic. How long were you planning on doing this? What if she then ate something after you ate it and then had a reaction?
[b] Quote:"Now...what do I do with this, do I keep this up till she is older...I don't want her to think I am a liar or that this situation is a game I am playing with her." [/b]
Absolutely do NOT keep this up! Lying is never the answer. The more you lie, the less she will trust you. A parent is who a child needs to trust and feel the most secure with. If you continue to lie, she will not trust you and will start to think that it's O.K. for her to lie too.
I don't really think that it's fair for you to say that you don't want her to think you're a liar or that you are playing a game with her. You DID lie and you ARE playing a game!

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 7:26am
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I think you certainly must have done this with the [i]very very best of intentions[/i] but it has clearly got to stop. You wouldn't have asked otherwise, right?
I can understand your motivation for feeling this way-- my daughter at one time wouldn't eat anything my husband made her for about two weeks after he accidentally triggered her egg allergy at about the same age. She brought it up for about a year afterwards! So I get where you are coming from here.
I think you should do one of two things:
1. "Outgrow" your own allergy, as another poster suggested. If you can enlist your own physician that would be helpful. This is pretty important, because as was suggested, what happens if you give her something that is cross-contaminated accidentally?
I would also be worried, though, that this may cause her additional heartache if she gets her hope raised by that and then doesn't ever "outgrow" [b]her[/b] allergy, KWIM? She might even think that she's done something wrong to deserve having her allergy...So maybe the other option is necessary.
2. Find a professional to help your family with this issue and 'fess up. In session, where a good therapist can help you guys work through it. Maybe your allergist can suggest someone to help.
After anaphylaxing, we always watch our daughter for a week or two to see "what develops" in terms of her emotional needs. We are always ready to provide professional help if she needs it. And under the circumstances you describe, I think I would have enlisted that aid. (But hindsight is 20/20 I know... and it is harder when it is your own child.)
Good luck. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
I hope that the boards can offer you some support. You are very welcome here. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
***********************************
And YES, Mimi, I do think that was a little harsh. Especially since the person asking was on their first post and/or clearly seeking aid for a problem they were embarrassed about having created. Note I didn't say I thought it was a good thing... just that I can understand the thinking behind it. Hope the poster doesn't think that criticism is all that can be found here. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img]
[This message has been edited by Corvallis Mom (edited February 12, 2006).]

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 8:10am
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

What you did is completely understandable. I think some other responses were pretty harsh toward you. You were freaking out that your child was refusing to eat, and you did what you saw as the best solution when you were in a very difficult situation. Hindsight is irrelevant. Nobody should be telling you what you should have done differently. #1: You might have made a different decision if you weren't in the middle of such a difficult situation. #2: If you had it to do all over, you might have decided to do the same thing. Each of us are different people who make our own unique decisions. Let's respect each other more, even if someone does something differently than you would have.
Now that I got that off my chest, I'll address your post. I also was going to recommend that you "outgrow" the allergy. I would make it clear that it is very rare that people outgrow a peanut allergy, and your DD probably will not outgrow hers. I also would talk about how you "realized" that you outgrew the allergy. You don't want her to test on her own if she's outgrown it! I also would go over all of the ways that you keep her safe. That way, she won't think you'll stop doing the precautions to avoid peanuts just because you don't "have" the allergy anymore.
I agree about empowering your DD with information about avoiding peanuts. You can start this at any age. My 2 year old has been taught to tell people who offer him food, "No thank you. I have food allergies. I need to check with my mom or dad first" (obviously he doesn't say all of those words, but he gets that idea across. He's very verbal for a child who just turned 2). He also pretends to read labels and check for peanut warnings because that's what he sees me do and I explain what I'm doing. It's kinda sad to see my 2 year old's pretend play in a kitchen be "No peanut. Safe to eat" but I also feel good that he understands his allergy (as much as he can at age 2).
My cousin keeps food in the house that her child is allergic to (he has a long list of food allergies). Before he could read, she printed labels that had his picture on it. If the label with his picture was on a bag/container, that meant he could eat that food. Maybe that method would help your child feel safer.
You'll get through this, and don't let others make you feel badly about the way you handled the situation. I don't know what I would have done in that situation, but it might have been the same way you handled it. You were desperate for your child to feel safe and to eat! As parents, we always want to make our children feel loved and safe, and we want to care for their needs. That's exactly what you tried to do.
[This message has been edited by Mookie86 (edited February 12, 2006).]

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