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Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 4:32pm
peanut hater's picture
Joined: 02/12/2006 - 09:00

LisaM, I am very interested in what you have gone through as a teenager with this allergy. After what I said to my dd, I just thought..."oh, I will come clean when she is an adult." I am curious how you would have handled this situation as a teenager with your mother. What would your reaction be if your mother "came clean" at that age? Looking back how hard would this be on you to know your mother had lied to you all these years? I am really having a hard time with this, and am looking to make this right. After listening to the advice here I asked my dd "how would you feel if mommy was not allergic to pn?". She said "I would be very sad that I was the only one in the house allergic." I truly adore my dd and want to do what's right and still have not come up with the best way to handle this.

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 9:07pm
pixiegirl's picture
Joined: 09/11/2005 - 09:00

I'd just like to say that I do think their is a difference in "lying"... to me you can't quite compare the tooth fairy to telling your child you have a life threatening health issue, in my head its apples and oranges. One is more of a tradition....
I hate discussing this sort of moral issue because you always get people that, in my view, take it as far as they can to "prove" you are wrong... you do tell lies, you lie about the tooth fairy.
Usually its not with the tooth fairy example but with a friend who got a terrible haircut, if I'm as honest as I say I am, I would look at them and tell them: "you look terrible".
Well in my book thats not how it works... again, we all have to decide moral issues on our own, but I just would avoid discussing the hair, I can tell you for sure I would not say I loved it if it was awful.
So yes in my book there is a gray area.. we did have a tooth fairy in our home. However I would never consider "making up a health issue" to be in my daughters best interest. I honestly think there were other ways that did not include lying to deal with the problem. And I think the original posters knows that "perhaps" she made a boo-boo because she wrote the post... if she was comfortable with the lies she never would have addressed the issue in a public forum.
Again I don't want her to feel terrible... I hope she doesn't, we all make mistakes in our parenting.. I've made some huge ones... but I only hope that when we make them we learn from them, we learn a better way. And I rarely think that resorting to lies is a good way.
I will say that when my daughter found out that the tooth fairy was not real, she said: "do you mean you lied to me all these years" I said, "honey I perpetuated a myth". (she was young enough that it took her a few years to figure out that my answer means, yeah I lied.)
Best to all.... Susan

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 10:27pm
Claire's picture
Joined: 04/19/2000 - 09:00

I think that you tried to help your child and it back fired! I am very upset that a person came on here to tell you how you handeled things was wrong. First of all you came here to ask for help not to be torn apart.
You may want to take your child to a DR for help with this. They seem to be better than we are at helping out at certain times. He will then explain to her how to deal with her allergy.
You could even try making a list of things that are ok for your DD to eat and post it around the house. Tell her to check the list before eating things.
She will be ok but you will have to tell her the truth because she may see you eat something unsafe for her one day by accident and that would cause pain for both of you.
I think she will be ok but right now you are going through a hard time.
I don't think I would tell her you outgrew the allergy because that may give her some false hope for herself. SHe may also test herself to see.
Chris is so bad that he will never outgrow the allergy. My Dr said he has never seen such a severe case as Chris. THerefore I would never want him to take a challenge on his own.
BEst of luck to you and your DD. Claire

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 10:44pm
MommaBear's picture
Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

It would be refreshing to see people take their own advice. I mean, as far as not ripping people a new one.

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 11:15pm
MommaBear's picture
Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by McCobbre:
Sorry to eavesdrop MB, but you can get them at The Container Store--they are Elfa carts. We also have them for Legos (put the lego boards on top--a small one for regular legos and a long one for Harry Potter legos and all of Hogwarts) and a long one for art supplies. You can use the shoe rack for a roll of butcher paper, and the drawers slide out. We have flat shelves for big paper. Our art desk doesn't roll, but we the small lego cart does.
thank you both McCobbre and Corvallis mom!
I'll have to check out those places.
I mean, in anticipation of our new arrival, I'm laying down the law on "small parts" storage.
I saw some rolling compartmentalized storage at the auto parts store and our local home improvement store but the prices were "out there" and hubby was like: "But *I* don't even have one of those...."
I think he won't covet the "eye-popping" colors nearly as much. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img] [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]

Posted on: Sun, 02/19/2006 - 2:44am
LaurensMom's picture
Joined: 05/23/2001 - 09:00

I still disagree. A lie of omission, a perpetuated myth, a white lie...they are all the same. They are non-thuths and if the words came out of my mouth, I'm not taking anything to extreme...it is black and white, cut and dry, a lie.
There is no such thing as the tooth fairy There are parents who elect to NOT [i]perpetuate the myth[/i]. They do NOT raise their children to believe in the tooth fairy or Santa because they do not believe in lying to their kids. Whether I agree or disagree with their decision is completely none of my business but to gray the area by stating it is just perpetuating a myth is no more than trying justifying the reasoning for lying.
I'm not taking on the holier-thank-thou attitude because I've admitted in a previous post on the first page of this thread that I lie to my children in certain situations. I've told them there is a toothfairy, Santa and an Easter Bunny.
And, I'll one step further. When my daughter was very sick one time and in pain (and this is my child with a high tolerance) I held her close and gave her words my father gave to me, "If I could take it from you sweetie, I would".
I giggled (to generate a giggle out of her as laughter is the best medicine) and said, "Hey let's try it. Let's see if Mommy can take the pain from you. Mommies can sometimes handle pain than kids can so it won't be bad for me. Do you mind if I try and take it from you?" She was actually hesitant not wanting to see her mother sick, but agreed without prompting. I put my forehead to hers and asked her to pretend there was a waterfall that flowed from her forehead to mine and asked her to put any pain she felt on the waterfall and watch it flow from her body to mine. After a few minutes I asked her if she felt better. She said somewhat excitedly that it worked and that she felt better. Now, if she gets sick, this is often a ritual. I'll "take" the pain from her. She'll ask me to.
Am I lying? I guess maybe if you believe in energy healing, I may not have lied. If you don't believe in energy healing then I am most certainly lying. Who am I hurting? What trust may I be breaking? Could I have just said, "Let's find a way to deal with the pain?" Absolutely, but that would have been the "adult" way. But, she's a child and she's got so much to deal with that I gave her a bit of childhood pretending to make herself feel better. And, that is exactly what happened. [i]She[/i] made herself feel better. I feel that although I lie to her occasionally, the benefit of what I gave her was much more important. I believe this is PeanutHater is right now. The comfort she gave her child at that time was worth much more than the potential risk to their relationship.
Do I think it is dangerous to continue with "Mommy is allergic"? Personally, yes I do think so but ONLY because of the potential of her child having a reaction after eating something the Mom didn't react to and risk associated with the child not trusting at all.
There I go using that word [i]"trust"[/i] again. OK...well...lets look at this from the child's view. From the child's view, Mom is allergic. Well, we all know that "allergic" Mom could very well have NOT react to something yet the child could react to the very next bite of the same food. Now what would the child think? I would guess, "I'm scared. I don't trust food." Again, [i]that[/i] would not be a good thing.
[This message has been edited by LaurensMom (edited February 19, 2006).]

Posted on: Sun, 02/19/2006 - 12:45pm
peanut hater's picture
Joined: 02/12/2006 - 09:00

MimiM, I just want to set the record straight, and first of all I am sorry it took me so long. It was after I saw your comments in another popular thread that I thought I should write this. I in NO WAY was singling you out when I said those things. You were not the only one that had that opinion, and I really am concentrating on the written stuff rather than who has written it. I was simply spouting off because I was upset that I was looking for advice and recieved some opinions I wasn't expecting. That being said I should expect the unexpected, everyone is intitled to say what they feel about each topic or we are not BEING HONEST with each other. Being new to the board, I thought..."I'll type in, get a quick answer and be on my way" HAHAHA! I guess in today's world we are all looking for the quick answer! I in a way jumped in too fast to offer my anger opinion, when really I should just be taking everything in and deciding what to do. Personally, most of the comments that are being made, had never occured to me, funny how in one minute of reading a thread many people look at the situation in a certain light, yet I have been in this situation for a year now and never looked at it in these different ways. Knowing my dd, and knowing that she would feel isolated in our house if I came clean, I am going to speak with her doctor and go from there. Thinking about honesty, I want it from her, so I guess I am not practicing what I preach! I just never looked at it as an honesty issue, but now I do.

Posted on: Sun, 02/19/2006 - 1:35pm
patsmommy's picture
Joined: 10/31/2001 - 09:00

Peanuthater, Good luck with your dd. I really think you will be able to resolve this.
I have a confession, I am finding it harder to "lie" to my older child, this year he said tell me the truth is there a real Santa Claus???
yikes! tell me the truth! when asked like that what choice do u have???
so I answered " Of course there is a St. Nicholas"
that wasnt a lie was it?
Peanuthater, i am curious as to what advice your dr gives you. I would probably just say to my kid, listen i am sorry.i am not really allergic to peanuts, I am really sorry I said I was.Pleae dont be nervous eating because mommy checks to make sure you will be safe."
or somthing to that effect. Maybe if you just eat things from home for awhile after this, it will make her feel safe.

Posted on: Mon, 02/20/2006 - 12:32am
MommaBear's picture
Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

just thought I'd link.

Posted on: Mon, 02/20/2006 - 5:01am
MimiM's picture
Joined: 10/10/2003 - 09:00

Peanut hater, thank you for responding to me. What I find most interesting about all of this is that maybe you and I have more in common than we first thought. I see some parallels in our 'behavior' (if you will).
Though it wasn't pleasant, I think maybe we both learned a lot from this thread. Like someone on another thread mentioned something about healthy bantering (not sure if those were the exact words). I guess we both can use what we learned in a positive way.
Sorry that you didn't get that "quick answer" that you were looking for but at least you did receive a wide variety of suggestions on how to approach your situation. You can pick and chose from those what you think will work best for you. I'm glad that you are consulting with your dd's doctor as well.
Good luck to you. Please let us know how things work out for you and your daughter.
Glad we are past this now. Welcome!


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