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Posted on: Fri, 02/17/2006 - 9:00pm
pixiegirl's picture
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Joined: 09/11/2005 - 09:00

Wow this topic sure got a lot of replies... I'm going to add mine for what its worth.
I only have one child (PA now 14) but one thing I did learn early on (and I hope you do too) is that as a parent we need to be as honest with our children as we can, it builds trust and when your child is a teenager you really want to have that going. I don't think I've ever lied to my daughter.
I do understand that kids don't come with direction books and as parents we make mistakes, I'm not perfect either and have learned most of my child rearting the hard way.
But I want to say I 100% disagree with the people that say you should now "outgrow" your allergy. Why in god's name would you lie again to cover a previous lie. This is the exact problem with lying, its like potato chips, its never just one, you get caught up in a whole web of lies.
It could create other issues as well, your child is only 4 years old and the thinking and logic of a child that age is shakey at best so she might wake up one day and think she has outgrown her allergy too. I just think to continue to lie is begging for more problems.
4 is pretty young to understand this, but when I make a mistake I admit it to my daughter, it actually raises our trust level when I can admit my mistakes to her. I would use this as a serious learning and bonding experience for both of you. I'd tell her you lied and why, how worried you were and how easy it would have been for you to tell another lie to get out of this one but you want to be honest with her. Again, 4 is quite young but you know your daughter and how you need to talk about it for her to understand.
We try to keep our house a safe zone, but ours has been breached too, many times, its not a perfect world and I'd explain that to your daughter, that this incident has hopefully taught everyone something so even though it was "bad" it was good too. Your all a lot smarter.
I'd also like to add that as parents its easy for us to panic, my biggest panic is choking... even to this day if my daughter coughs while eating I freak out... and I think you paniced initially... I have to say as future advice for other parents, I've never heard of a 4 year old starving themselves and I bet if left alone and not made an issue of, she would have gotten hungry and eaten.
I'm sure you and your daughter will get thru this but I urge you to stop the lying.
Susan

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 2:24am
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

After a reaction like that, really, all bets are off. My daughter (and I don't think her response was quite as extreme....) actually refused all food and drink for about 36 hrs. She was moderately dehydrated by that time and quite weak. She drank water when we told her that she would have to go back to the hospital if she didn't.
Over that week, she lost four pounds. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/eek.gif[/img] (This is a two and a half year old, people) We were poised to ask for professional intervention when she turned this around herself and began eating. But all she would eat was fresh (washed) fruit and cheerios for another two weeks. Her physician was also concerned.
We DID consult a professional dietician during this period of time.
So while I agree that [i] ordinarily[/i] children won't get themselves into medical trouble by not eating, there is NOTHING normal about the emotional recovery from anaphylaxis. I [i] wish[/i] that there were good parenting advice on that subject.... "What to expect" books are oddly silent on this matter, I've noticed... [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
MB..... K-marchet. You know, that highbrow department store where we also buy cat litter and TP. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] Target also carries them.... some assembly required. Office Max has more durable versions (Iris carts) that come in less eye-popping colors. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 4:17am
McCobbre's picture
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Joined: 04/16/2005 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by MommaBear:
[b]pssssssst. Corvalismom:
tell me (in the other "tape" thread if you want) where did you get the rolling art carts with drawers?? [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
We're using tackle boxes where portability is needed. I had to do something. I mean, I've come to believe brilliance and and artistic gift do not necessarily lend themselves to [i]organization[/i]. [/b]
Sorry to eavesdrop MB, but you can get them at The Container Store--they are Elfa carts. We also have them for Legos (put the lego boards on top--a small one for regular legos and a long one for Harry Potter legos and all of Hogwarts) and a long one for art supplies. You can use the shoe rack for a roll of butcher paper, and the drawers slide out. We have flat shelves for big paper. Our art desk doesn't roll, but we the small lego cart does.
-------------------------
Okay--I just thought of this thread. About 15 minutes ago, DS asked me if the tooth fairy is real. He's about to turn 8, and he's about to lose his very first tooth. Yes, his first tooth. I have Susan B Anthony and Sakajawea (sp) dollar coins--shiny ones--just waiting for this.
I said, "The Tooth Fairy has been coming for over a hundred years. You want the Tooth Fairy to come soon, don't you?"
I thought when this moment would come that I would be completely on the level. And I know the dominoes will fall within minutes all around the calendar. Not one will be left standing. No Santa, no Easter Bunny. That's okay. But goodness, I want the TF to come just once for him. Not having lost a tooth yet is a huge deal. I just wanted the TF to happen after he lost his tooth.
So I'm a wimp. What makes it worse is that I was holding him by the fireplace (a chilly 42 degrees here in Houston today).
Don't mean to hijack this thread, but I sure thought of it. It's the only thing we've lied about.
And those of you who say "never ever lie"--did you have the Tooth Fairy?

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 6:05am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Amen, McCobbre! MB, chime in with the hallelulia here if you like! becca

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 6:34am
MimiM's picture
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Joined: 10/10/2003 - 09:00

When I was a child, I did have the "tooth fairy" but honestly, I never really believed in her (LOL!)
My children do not have Santa or the Easter bunny since we are jewish so this is not an issue. We do have the toothfairy but
the toothfairy is something that is traditional and in nearly every home. Kids know that so they aren't going to hold it against parents as they mature and figure it out because it's all in fun. Anyway, it's not really a lie because the toothfairy really does exchange the teeth for money. My son just doesn't know that my husband and [i]are[/i] the toothfairy. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
Peanut hater, did you read that I apologized several times for my initial response to you? If not, please scroll back and reread (2/17).
Quote:Originally posted by peanut hater:
[b] Others of you looked at this situation to anounce that you are "holier than though" and that those of us who make mistakes in our lives should beg for forgiveness. [/b]
Who are you quoting? I never said what you quoted and I never said that I don't make mistakes. In fact, I confessed to one.

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 6:37am
MimiM's picture
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Joined: 10/10/2003 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by pixiegirl:
[b]Wow this topic sure got a lot of replies... I'm going to add mine for what its worth.
I only have one child (PA now 14) but one thing I did learn early on (and I hope you do too) is that as a parent we need to be as honest with our children as we can, it builds trust and when your child is a teenager you really want to have that going. I don't think I've ever lied to my daughter.
I do understand that kids don't come with direction books and as parents we make mistakes, I'm not perfect either and have learned most of my child rearting the hard way.
But I want to say I 100% disagree with the people that say you should now "outgrow" your allergy. Why in god's name would you lie again to cover a previous lie. This is the exact problem with lying, its like potato chips, its never just one, you get caught up in a whole web of lies.
It could create other issues as well, your child is only 4 years old and the thinking and logic of a child that age is shakey at best so she might wake up one day and think she has outgrown her allergy too. I just think to continue to lie is begging for more problems.
4 is pretty young to understand this, but when I make a mistake I admit it to my daughter, it actually raises our trust level when I can admit my mistakes to her. I would use this as a serious learning and bonding experience for both of you. I'd tell her you lied and why, how worried you were and how easy it would have been for you to tell another lie to get out of this one but you want to be honest with her. Again, 4 is quite young but you know your daughter and how you need to talk about it for her to understand.
We try to keep our house a safe zone, but ours has been breached too, many times, its not a perfect world and I'd explain that to your daughter, that this incident has hopefully taught everyone something so even though it was "bad" it was good too. Your all a lot smarter.
I'd also like to add that as parents its easy for us to panic, my biggest panic is choking... even to this day if my daughter coughs while eating I freak out... and I think you paniced initially... I have to say as future advice for other parents, I've never heard of a 4 year old starving themselves and I bet if left alone and not made an issue of, she would have gotten hungry and eaten.
I'm sure you and your daughter will get thru this but I urge you to stop the lying.
Susan
[/b]
You said everything that I've been trying to say only you said it better!

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 7:56am
bandbmom's picture
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Joined: 12/14/2005 - 09:00

Hi Peanut Hater - I hope you daughter is okay. I can't even imagine how it must have felt for her experiencing an anaphylactic reaction, especially with a food that is safe but just became cross-contaminated. I just wanted to tell you how much I feel for you in the situation you were in. My DS has gotten so cautious and he now asks if things are safe even when he's had them time and time again. If he reacted like your DD to something "safe", I'm sure we would not be able to get him to eat and would have to come up with some ploy or story to get him to eat and trust us again. I find myself and DH saying "you can trust us, the food is safe", but, if something happens like in your situation, the trust is lost. I'm sure you felt deseparate and you had to do what you needed to do at the moment. Please know that overall this board is a great support and it must have been hard to hear some of the opinions given. We have all made mistakes at one time or another and you should not beat yourself up over it at all. You did the best you could.
I'm wondering if possibly a counselor would be able to help you and your DD through this and give some advice on how to handle what you've told her.
Giant hugs to you and your DD. My thoughts are with you and know you do have support here on pa.com!
Best Wishes!
Tracy

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 9:03am
MommaBear's picture
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by MimiM:
[b]My children do not have Santa or the Easter bunny since we are jewish so this is not an issue. [/b]
[i]good point.[/i]

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 9:49am
LisaM's picture
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Joined: 11/04/2005 - 09:00

I wouldn't know what to do in this situation---I would say that normally the best way to deal would be to explain to your daughter that you were afraid that she would get sick because she was not eating...Maybe this would be okay, but you don't want her suddenly to become afraid to eat again--it depends I guess on how anxious your daughter is about food right now. I'd consider taking this one up with a therapist who might have some good tips. The problem here though is that you would really need to find someone who understands about allergies. So basically I'm saying that I don't think that there is any "right" answer here (which may not be helpful, but I at least hope it is affirming).
I don't think you need to be concerned with your daughter losing trust in you in general---the issue is whether she is going to be afraid to eat. I don't really see this as "lying" in the morally-inflected meaning of the term. People have "issues" with their parents on account of long-term behaviour patterns, not from one mistake when the parents had their child's well-being at heart.
At any rate, I'm not a parent and don't really have a good understanding on how the mind of a four-year-old child works. The following advice is based on my experience of anaphylaxis--I went through a period after my first majorly severe reaction to nuts (I was 15 at the time) when I felt like gagging on everything. I choked down 3 meals a day, but I didn't feel like eating and I lost some weight--10 pounds-- and I was thin to begin with. Looking back there were two problems here.
1) I was traumatized by the reaction so felt like gagging...this type of thing is probably best dealt with in therapy (I didn't see a therapist, however)
2)there were some real issues with cross contamination which my parents probably could have helped with if I had explained to them why I was worried. I just figured that they would think that I was being paranoid and didn't discuss it with them. What *really* didn't help was when we went on vacation to visit relatives and there were nuts all over the place....people would sit on the couch where I had to sleep and eat peanut brittle, crack walnuts, etc. I didn't feel safe eating *anything* in that house.
My mom promptly threw out the peanut butter in *our* house and banned nuts, but I'm also anaphylactic to egg so anything next to the mayonnaise jar, thousand islands dressing, etc. I saw as potentially dangerous. I would inspect the fridge and try to memorize what was near what but still didn't feel safe eating in my own home. Some of this was rational...some of it irrational. It doesn't really matter--both fears need to be dealt with. I think I would have coped better if the mayonnaise went out with the pb at least for a time.
So I don't know if your child has particular things that she is afraid of...but there might be a chance that there are some foods she might feel safer with than others and that she might not be explaining everything to you. I think it is important to help her come up with ways that she can feel like she has control over what she eats (easier said than done!)

Posted on: Sat, 02/18/2006 - 9:50am
LisaM's picture
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Joined: 11/04/2005 - 09:00

(deleted double post)
[This message has been edited by LisaM (edited February 18, 2006).]

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