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Posted on: Wed, 02/15/2006 - 12:16am
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Anonymous (not verified)

Quote:Originally posted by barb1123:
[b]I'm a vegetarian and when my son was younger and wanted to know why I didn't eat chicken, turkey, etc. I just explained that I was allergic to it.
[/b]
[i]Personally[/i], I get quite irritated when people lie, saying they have allergies when they don't. [i]I feel[/i] it downplays the severity of allergies.

Posted on: Wed, 02/15/2006 - 1:08am
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Personally, I wouldn't waste time worrying about what you should or shouldn't have done in the past. That can't be changed. However, what is happening now desperately needs to be changed.
Your daughter is five? I'm just brainstorming for ideas here...my youngest is 5 (although not PA). I'm not sure about telling her you outgrew the allergy. I have a feeling that what might happen is she might absolutely panic over not having you as "tester" anymore.
Basically, what's happened is that she has turned over all responsibility for her allergy to you. Not that a child of 5 is going to have much responsibility, but at that age they need to at least "own" their allergy. Does that make sense?
Is she eating a good variety of food now? Perhaps you could simply stop introducing new foods for a while. In the meantime, take her grocery shopping and show her exactly what steps you take to ensure that the food you buy is safe. Maybe stick with the same brands you've been buying, but point out the label. Then you could have her help pick out a new item to try.
When she asks you to taste it, I would simply explain that you can't do it anymore, because she is getting to be a big girl now. Instead, you will help her to make certain that she doesn't try anything that will hurt her. If she refuses, don't push it. Just try again another time.
Just a thought. I've found when my kids are scared of something, giving them MORE personal responsibility regarding it generally makes them feel more in control and less afraid. For instance, one of my sons was deathly afraid of dogs. I told him it was okay to be afraid of dogs, but he needed to behave in certain ways around them regardless of his fear (no running, shrieking, flapping his arms, etc...) because those behaviors might lead to him being bitten. He was then able to stand calmly and observe dogs (I never allowed one near him BTW, just let him watch from a distance). One day he asked a lady at school if her dog was nice and could he pet it, and he hasn't been afraid since. I let him "own" his fear and then he was able to work it out by himself. Make sense?
Good luck with your situation. I'm sure you'll find something that works for you and your daughter.
Lori

Posted on: Wed, 02/15/2006 - 2:22am
smack's picture
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Joined: 11/14/2001 - 09:00

I totally would come clean on this good intentions fib.
We parents make mistakes all the time and I know from experience when I do, I apologize to my child and they always thank me.
I've always thanked them for saying sorry, so this is normal for us.
Your fib was a good intentions fib to get your child to eat. What the heck is wrong with that, Nothing.
To keep this fib going is wrong though, and your child will understand if your honest in telling her you were desperate at the time to come up with something to get her over her trauma.
It's time, and someday you'll have a good laugh over this.

Posted on: Wed, 02/15/2006 - 4:02am
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Quote:Originally posted by AnnaMarie:
[b] [i]Personally[/i], I get quite irritated when people lie, saying they have allergies when they don't. [/b]
Believe me nothing or no one could downplay the allergies of my child which are amongst the worst his doctors have ever seen.
I personally get irritated by people who try to make me or others feel bad. I did not lie to you or anyone else except my son and I notice in your quote that you left out the bit about how he was down to literally 6-8 food items IN TOTAL that he could or would consume. Knowing my son as I do and YOU don't, I know that he would have stopped eating poultry if he knew it was dead animals. So, on one hand I am getting my child to continue eating and on the other HE is not feeling so bad to being allergic to EVERYTHING as his mommy has some allergies too (which I do, just not to poultry).
The point of my post was that we do the best we can for our kids. Obviously, we all here do or 1. we wouldn't be posting here 2. our kids would probably be dead from anaphylaxis by now. And there is no point beating yourself up over something you did in your child's best interests OR in others berating you when you come looking for advice.
Barb

Posted on: Wed, 02/15/2006 - 4:36am
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Anonymous (not verified)

Barb, maybe you missed the part where I said *personally* and *I feel*. In italics even.
I never said [i]you[/i] were wrong. I said that [i]I feel[/i] it downplays the severity. And that is how [i]I feel[/i]. I have heard people say it for various reasons. They each felt they had a good reason. It bothers me [i]personally[/i] when I hear it.
My reason for posting that is - I am the person with the food allergies. How will a child feel when they find out their parent lied about having allergies? Will they also feel it downplays their allergies? Will they feel that it means they are not really allergic either?
So, you and others have lied to their children about having allergies. Not judging it because it is being done to help the child. But what of the parents that have not lied - but one day might be in similar positions and thinking ....what if I just told a little white lie?
Reading the opinions here - people who tried it and whether it worked or not and whether it caused future problems or not - and opinions of people who have allergies -- those are all things that can help people in the future when they get to that cross-road.

Posted on: Wed, 02/15/2006 - 4:38am
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by barb1123:
[b] Believe me nothing or no one could downplay the allergies of my child which are amongst the worst his doctors have ever seen.
I personally get irritated by people who try to make me or others feel bad. I did not lie to you or anyone else except my son and I notice in your quote that you left out the bit about how he was down to literally 6-8 food items IN TOTAL that he could or would consume. Knowing my son as I do and YOU don't, I know that he would have stopped eating poultry if he knew it was dead animals. So, on one hand I am getting my child to continue eating and on the other HE is not feeling so bad to being allergic to EVERYTHING as his mommy has some allergies too (which I do, just not to poultry).
The point of my post was that we do the best we can for our kids. Obviously, we all here do or 1. we wouldn't be posting here 2. our kids would probably be dead from anaphylaxis by now. And there is no point beating yourself up over something you did in your child's best interests OR in others berating you when you come looking for advice.
Barb[/b]
It didn't appear to me that AnnaMarie was trying to make anyone feel bad. She was just expressing her opinion. If someone feels bad over it, then , I don't think she has much to deal with over it. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] But who knows, maybe she felt [i]bad[/b] thinking she inadvertently made someone else feel bad. KWIM? (think of two mirrors facing each other. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] )
But I'm not her, so I don't know. Just wondering.
Personally? I feel that if *I* were to lie and portray a vegetarian choice as a LTFA, or even my cub's pickyness as a LTFA, in order to gain compliance and to suit my own purposes, then *I'd* better be prepared to give the same pass to let's say another parent who portrays their vegetarian child's needs, (or who knows what other needs relating to food), in my pa/treenuts cubs class as well and not get *my* undies in a bunch over it. KWIM?
And yes, I'm not talking about a parent being a vegetarian, or whatever, but rather a child. A tangent, shall I say. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
As a matter of fact, I've never been to concerned with why others ask for certain accomodations. If there is request in my cub's class not to bring something, I just don't. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] I don't have to know why. Make a judgement, I mean. I'm not in that position at school.
I mean, I'm from the "picky eater crowd", too. That said, I've yet to portray their picky eating as a "food allergy". In part, because I'm neurotic about detail. And accuracy. [i]to a fault[/i]. I'm also a rotten liar. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img] I hate hypocrisy. With a [i]passion[/i]. Elitism probably even more. But I digress.
Personally? If I had to claim "LTFA" for every "pickyness" my cub had about food.....he'd be in "Ripley's". [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] That or someone would have a nervous breakdown at the mere thought of caring for him. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
Instead, I've worked on educating people that "picky eating" can be a genuine need, right up there with LTFA. Probably for many of the same reasons you mention. And some more. In my cub's case, it's part of a bigger picture, and I wouldn't want to marginalize that. I mean, it's not even a "choice" in my cub's case. It's a [i]need[/i]. But I suppose, who knows, one might argue that for vegetarians. Wouldn't know, I've never been one. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
No advice, just [i]personally[/i]. It's ok to speak personally, right?

Posted on: Thu, 02/16/2006 - 3:44am
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Joined: 11/17/2005 - 09:00

peanuthater,
I don't blame you for what you did. We all do what we have to, including lying, to keep our children safe and healthy. I'm sorry, but honesty is not ALWAYS the best policy. In any case, I'm not posting to agree or disagree, but to raise a potential issue that occurred to me as I read all these posts. Forgive me if someone already said this (I didn't have time to read every single post carefully). Have you thought about the possibility of your eating a nonsafe food (when you thought your daughter wasn't watching or around) and your daughter seeing this and eating it herself (thinking that it's safe)? This would be my only concern in continuing with the status quo. So, if you're not already doing this, until you "outgrow" your allergy or change your daughter's current ideas on your allergy, you should make sure you're not eating anything that wouldn't be okay for her to eat.
Just want her to be safe!!!! Best of luck to you!

Posted on: Thu, 02/16/2006 - 6:57am
MimiM's picture
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Joined: 10/10/2003 - 09:00

I found this article and thought it was appropriate for this thread. Let me know what you think?
[url="http://www.sesameworkshop.org/parents/advice/article.php?contentId=973&"]http://www.sesameworkshop.org/parents/advice/article.php?contentId=973&[/url]

Posted on: Thu, 02/16/2006 - 12:05pm
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I don't think the Sesame Street article applies to the situation of a child who is refusing ALL FOOD because of an adult sized dose of post-traumatic stress. This isn't some lost blankie or cancelled play-date that has been lied about, for goodness sakes!
Let's address it this way: say that your 4y.o. child is the victim of a drive-by shooting. The suspect is later caught and convicted, but because of other circumstances, has been paroled after just a few months in prison, and is again living just a few blocks from the child. What do you say if that child asks you "can that man ever hurt me again?" The unvarnished [i]truth[/i]?? OMG I hope not. Now, if you are arguing that an allergic reaction doesn't result in that kind of emotional trauma, you are incorrect.
Besides, telling a parent "YOU DID THAT WRONG" several ways and at increasing emotional "volume" doesn't make the situation go away, now does it?
My point is that you are beating a dead horse. The rest of us aren't even fully convinced it [i]is[/i] a horse. LOL!
Trust isn't just about honesty when you are a parent. It is just as important for young children to feel that their parents can protect them from [i]real, adult-sized harm.[/i] They are little, but they are not stupid. This d*mn allergy means that any real protection we can offer our kids is mostly [b]illusion[/b]. Do we want them to know this? Any of us? That is a stunningly terrifying thing to come face to face with when you are 40. Many PA parents [i]never[/i] face that reality, and while I am not one of them, I envy them sometimes! I cannot imagine what sort of emotional harm it must do to a child.
[This message has been edited by Corvallis Mom (edited February 16, 2006).]

Posted on: Thu, 02/16/2006 - 11:23pm
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Joined: 01/09/2006 - 09:00

Hi,
I feel it is very dangerous to tell a 4 year old anything about outgrowing a peanut allergy. Why even put this thought into her head. She will start to get more and more out of your protective reach in the next few years. The last thing you want her thinking about is that she may be growing out of an allergy. Just the wording can be confusing for a small child. How often do they hear from people "wow, you are growing up" or "look how much you have grown" I don't think you ever even want to take the chance putting that thought in the head of a small child. It is much different when the child gets older and can understand better. Four is still very young for all of this. I think you did what was best for you and your child at the time. This is a disabling allergy that consumes a lot of time and energy. It is important to teach our children about it. You need to figure out what the best way to do that for your family is. These boards are great for ideas. I don't like how harsh some people sounded at all. I guess we all know there are so many sides to every story and just as many pieces of advice about them. This is just my take on this situation.
Tracey

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