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Posted on: Mon, 02/13/2006 - 1:54am
Momcat's picture
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Joined: 03/15/2005 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by becca:
[b]But it is a good point to somehow make her feel trusting of eating without you tasting all her food. That habit/ritual/practice will be hard to break just because habits are security anyway.
[/b]
I think that this ritual does need to be replaced by something else that really will keep her safe. She cannot rely on "tasters"; if she makes other PA friends, they may be less sensitive. Also, the idea that a PA person (the mom) would test food by tasting it, is not safe.
Peanut Hater could enlist the doctor's help here: she and her daughter could undergo testing (in the mom's case "testing"). The doctor can reveal that the mom is not now allergic (mistaken, outgrown, whatever works). Then the doctor could discuss with mother and daughter ways to keep the daughter safe. Maybe if it comes from a "higher authority" the daughter will trust the advice. Then the issue becomes not "I lied or was mistaken, etc." but "the doctor says we need to do X to keep you safe." Explain how X would have prevented the reaction she had. Explain that accidents can happen, even when people are careful. That's why we wear seatbelts, lifejackets, carry epipens, etc.
Sometimes confessing to a lie is not the right thing to do. There is the urge to confess and unburden oneself, to be forgiven. But sometimes the confession injures another person more than they would be injured by the lie. Peanut Hater has confessed, been chastized and forgiven here. She should not place that burden on her young daughter.
Cathy
------------------
Mom to 6 1/2 yr old PA/TNA daughter and 3 yr old son who is allergic to eggs.

Posted on: Mon, 02/13/2006 - 2:20am
ElleMo's picture
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I would tell her *something* very soon (outgrew, whatever.) I don't think anyone brought this up, but what if she ingests something that you tasted that was cross-contaminated with peanuts & she got sick, then you would be worse off than you were before.
With my DD, I do not allow her to eat anything that does not have a label. She never eats cupcakes etc from school or cakes/food at parties-- with a few exceptions of people *I* know prepare safe foods, but with your daughter, I wouldn't have *any* exceptions. It makes our comfort zone safe & leaves less room for problems. & It will help your daughter if she could look with you on the labels to see if peanut is listed. Maybe when she is older, you can allow her to eat certain foods prepared by others, but for now I wouldn't.

Posted on: Mon, 02/13/2006 - 4:46am
LaurensMom's picture
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Sorry to disagree with all the posts.
My children believe in Santa Claus.
They believe in the tooth fairy.
They believe in the Easter Bunny.
So, I've been lying since the day they were born.
When my kids were smaller, I never said "Mommy is allergic". I did say, "Mommy could get sick too if she eats peanuts". And, similarly, I apply that statement to my non-PA younger children. If they say their allergic when talking to people, I correct them in that manner - "You're not allergic but you could get sick if you ate one". It is also true on the level that they are at higher risk given their PA sibling.
I consider it a play on words: If I ate peanuts and caused her a reaction, no doubt I would get physically sick (after I took care of her, that is)
I see your situation as you did what you had to do. However, the part that she waits to see if you get "red" scares me. Technically, even if you were allergic and ate something and were OK with it, it doesn't mean that she couldn't have a reaction from a bite of the same item. Depends on the state of both of your immune systems at the time you ate it.
Seems to me it is more important to break way from that. What would happen if she did have a reaction from something you "tried"? [i]That[/i] would be scary.
Would I continue with the "I'm allergic"? Problably not but if she is that young, I would NOT correct my "lie" explicitly saying so. Is it any better than lying again? Probably not. But I would still do it that way to not break her trust. We're not talking about trust with a secret. We're talking about a potentially serious health issue - namely not eating.
(And I do not say what I said with ease. Trust is the foundation to any healthy relationship but I'd risk it rather than her health)
[This message has been edited by LaurensMom (edited February 13, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by LaurensMom (edited February 17, 2006).]

Posted on: Mon, 02/13/2006 - 5:25am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I think all of us have probably been in one of those,

Posted on: Mon, 02/13/2006 - 6:16am
AJSMAMA's picture
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Joined: 06/12/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by LaurensMom:
[b]Sorry to disagree with all the posts.
My children believe in Santa Claus.
They believe in the tooth fairy.
They believe in the Easter Bunny.
So, I've been lying since the day they were born.
When my kids were smaller, I never said "Mommy is allergic". I did say, "Mommy could get sick too if she eats peanuts". And, similarly, I apply that statement to my non-PA younger children. If they say their allergic when talking to people, I correct them in that manner - "You're not allergic but you could get sick if you ate one". It is also true on the level that they are at higher risk given their PA sibling.
I consider it a play on words: If I ate peanuts and caused her a reaction, no doubt I would get physically sick (after I took care of her, that is)
I see your situation as you did what you had to do. However, the part that she waits to see if you get "red" scares me. Technically, if you were allergic and ate something and were OK with it, it doesn't mean that she couldn't have a reaction from a bite of the same item. Depends on the state of both of your immune systems at the time you ate it.
Seems to me it is more important to break way from that. What would happen if she did have a reaction from something you "tried"? [i]That[/i] would be scary.
Would I continue with the "I'm allergic"? Problably not but if she is that young, I would NOT correct my "lie" explicitly saying so. Is it any better than lying again? Probably not. But I would still do it that way to not break her trust. We're not talking about trust with a secret. We're talking about a potentially serious health issue - namely not eating.
(And I do not say what I said with ease. Trust is the foundation to any healthy relationship but I'd risk it rather than her health)
[This message has been edited by LaurensMom (edited February 13, 2006).][/b]
I COMPLETELY AGREE AND SAY SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR TO MY SON.
To the other posters....Do we have to be so harsh on people when they just ask for some advice? My goodness...it is a wonder that some people ever post again after they get slammed down.

Posted on: Mon, 02/13/2006 - 6:18am
peanut hater's picture
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Joined: 02/12/2006 - 09:00

I am reading and absorbing everything ya'll are saying. Many good points have been made, it honestly never occured to me that she might have a reaction after I "tasted" something. I would like to say that my dd has been taught to read every label, ask questions to anyone involving food (including family memebers), and never eat anything that does not have a label. The reason all of this came about was when a neighbor brought a cake over (knowing about the peanut allergy). My dd asked for an apple(which I wash upon entering our house, not right before eating). Someone who had handled the cake handed her an apple, she took a bite of the apple and there is the reaction. I was unaware of the nuts in the cake, and it took awhile for us to figure out how she was exposed. It was through hand contact from cake to apple. This all being said apples are a VERY SAFE FOOD, so knowing this and then having an attack after eating it, she thought NO FOOD was safe anymore, there by she stopped eating. I in no way "taste" packaged food, it is food that in no way could contain. But now thinking about it I guess anything could be cross-contaminated and there for my face would not turn red, her's would. I don't plan on telling her anything about the situation today, I need to think about what would be best for her. She won't be mad at me coming clean, I think she would feel isolated. She doesn't know anyone with this allergy, plus I have never talked to her about her one day out growing it because her dr. said according to her RAST # the odds are very slim, so she doesn't realize that someone with the allergy could become unallergic. I am taking everyones comments to heart and thinking hard about how I should handle this.

Posted on: Mon, 02/13/2006 - 6:37am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

My dd is 6 and in kindergarten. Is your dd in Kindergarten? We could write you and your dd a note and do a pen pal type thing for awhile. We lost our regular penpal. Hardly ever hear from her, and maybe your dd would benefit from hearing about the day to day stuff we do, and have a couple of pictures. Email me at [email]imissmandms@hotmail.com[/email] if you want to talk about something. Even just a one time note or occasional newsy letter to make her feel some comraderie. Are there any allergy support groups in your area where she could meet someone in person?
FAAN also has a kids newletter with pictures and stories of other children with food allergies. My dd has 2 other children in her class with food allergies, one with multiple and severe issues. She feels fortunate to only have peanut and egg allergies. We were talking about it today, as we made our cookies for Valentine's Day, wondering if he will be able to have them. I think he just added wheat to his list. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img]
I hope you can figure it out and she becomes less afraid of trying foods. becca

Posted on: Mon, 02/13/2006 - 8:10am
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

WOW! Great minds think alike... again!
Feel free to contact me via e-mail, as well. My daughter has a penpal, but would love another one too, I know. (the little e-mail icon is at the top of my posts)
My DD (who is 6) has experienced an anaphylaxis incident like this too... we [i]never[/i] were able to say where the cross-contact came from. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] Maybe tracked in on DH's shoes?? We still don't know.
She was two and this is how she learned she could die from her food allergies. She remembers that night like it was [i]yesterday.[/i]
It is so very hard for girls to feel so different and alone just when their peers begin to do the girly-club thing. My daughter also feels pretty sorry for herself and bitter some days. She's allergic to pn,tn, egg, and milk. All but the milk are high enough sensitivity that she's contact and aerosol sensitive. It sounds like your daughter's threshold is similar.
I can tell you that it has done WONDERS for her to know that there are other kids out there with life threatening food allergies. Frankly, she doesn't even write to penpals ABOUT allergies, but it is nice to know that she isn't going to get a letter about endless rounds of kiddie sleepovers, spectacular restaurant meals, and carefree vacations. My daughter feels different from many kids she knows, but no longer [i]alone[/i] if that makes sense. It has given her some confidence and her self-esteem a boost.
We didn't find the same to be true of knowing other kids with PA locally. They just don't live the way we must, and it was depressing to know that we were not only unlucky when it came to HAVING food allergies, but also unlucky enough to be extremely sensitive, too.

Posted on: Mon, 02/13/2006 - 12:47pm
Marizona's picture
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Joined: 01/16/2002 - 09:00

My son has stopped eating for a few days after all of his reactions, but that is completely understandable after a reaction and it usually passes after a few days. If I had been in your situation, I probably would have waited longer to see she would start eating again, and if not, I probably would have taken her to a therapist to address it. Even my non-pa kids have days when they don`t eat, but I know this is normal for kids. Of course, when a child is not eating because they had a life threatening reaction, that is different. When my son has a reaction, I find it really helpful to sit down with him and identify what we will do differently so it doesn`t happen again (in this case, wash hands after touching food with unknown ingredients). But what is done is done, and I think in your shoes at this point, I would "outgrow" the allergy. It seems like if you tell her you lied at this point, it could really erode trust. You could tell her that almost no one outgrows it, but you got lucky and you did. You could tell her that the chance of outgrowing it is really slim. I know that my son had a little girl in his kindergarten class who was pa and did outgrow it, and that is what we told him. The little girl started bringing pb to school in her lunch and could no longer sit at the peanut free table, so this was how he found out. I don`t think that would give your daughter false hope, and it seems like the least damaging way to fix this now. Also, there was a death recently of a pa teenager who thought she could tell from the taste if something had peanuts---well, she tasted it and she died. It was in the news a few months ago. I don`t think I would want to convey the message that if you really were allergic, it is okay to taste something to see if it is safe or if it will cause a reaction.

Posted on: Tue, 02/14/2006 - 10:46am
barb1123's picture
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Joined: 04/08/2000 - 09:00

Well, I must be a bad mommy too.
I'm a vegetarian and when my son was younger and wanted to know why I didn't eat chicken, turkey, etc. I just explained that I was allergic to it. This seemed to me to be a lot more sensible than explaining my philosophical objections to eating meat. At the time, I don't think he comprehended that the food he was eating was dead animals and I don't think that bit of info would have gone over too well.
This at a time when there were literally 6-8 food items that my son could or would eat. If he stopped eating poultry then he really would have been in serious trouble.
Sometimes you do what you've got to do for the best interests of your children. Sometimes you're desperate, especially when they are so sick and allergic to everything. You do what you need to do to keep your children well.
I think people here are wrong to berate you over it.
The subject came up again recently and I told him, that no I wasn't really allergic and why I had said what I said. He was fine with it. He wasn't emotionally scarred or upset or anything.
Give yourself a break.
Barb

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