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Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 11:21am
MimiM's picture
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Joined: 10/10/2003 - 09:00

I'm sorry if my approach seems harsh but I feel strongly that honesty is the best policy for any situation, not only with young children.
O.K., we all make mistakes as parents sometimes but when we do, we must fess up to the mistake as trust and communication are the foundation to any good relationship. Kids need to know that mistakes do happen and that it's O.K. to admit that you are wrong.
This situation concerns me greatly because even after her actions, peanut hater could not understand why her child didn't trust her. She(her child)had trusted her mom initially but then the reaction broke that trust. This could have been resolved quickly and easily with honest admittion of a mistake but instead, the response she chose was to lie again only further breaking her daughter's trust in her.
As if that wasn't enough, she was then asking if she only lie more to resolve the issue.
I credit her for coming to this board for advice since she knew that she couldn't see what was really happening. I also agree with someone elses suggestion to seek counselling as she will probably benefit from this as it may facilitate reestablishment of the trusting relationship between herself and her child.
Sorry, peanut hater if hearing the truth hurts, but I think that the reason that you came here was to ask for people to give you some insight into the situation. I would rather help you by being completely honest with you rather than telling you just what you want to hear. The latter wouldn't necessarily help you to make things better.
I wish you the best of luck resolving this situation.

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 11:34am
MimiM's picture
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Joined: 10/10/2003 - 09:00

Oops, I started writing my last post before your second response, peanut hater, but held it to finish later (now). However, when I came back to it to post just now, I failed to check to see that you had already responded.
I see now that you regret what you have done but are not sure what to do. I understand being afraid of addressing it now but I still think that you should not wait. Your daughter may be a bit confused at first but she'll probably get over it fairly quickly. The older she gets, the more I think she will take it more to heart.

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 11:37am
LuvMyKids's picture
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Joined: 06/26/2005 - 09:00

We did something similar. My husband caught a virus after eating crab once. At the time, he thought maybe a shellfish allergy because he was vomiting so much. My daughter was so excited, we never told her he wasn't allergic. He has eaten crab many times since then, but she doesn't know it.
We don't have the heart to tell her because she loves her dad having an allergy.
One night, he was going to Red Lobster, and my daughter was so worried he was going to have a reaction. I felt horrible, and I wanted the "lie" to go away.
We didn't enter into it with a lie in mind. My husband honestly thought he might be having a reaction. It was really an accident, but it just kept going.
I feel for you. This might need a therapist help. I know it would crush my daughter if she found out about my husband.
And by the way, she was 3 when this first came up. We never discussed it, but at 5 it came back. She never forgot about his allergy.

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 12:24pm
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Quote:Originally posted by peanut hater:
[b]she like the idea that we have "special tummies" together.[/b]
One month shy of age 6, my older child was diagnosed as allergic to peanuts, almost all tree nuts, and soy. We did allergy testing to figure out his environmental triggers. He'd never had any apparent reaction to these foods, so the food allergy diagnoses came as a shock. He asked his father if he would do the same diet he now had to do. Dad said that he also wouldn't eat any peanuts, tree nuts, or soy as well as "may contains"/"made in." My child felt comforted knowing that he wasn't the only one having to do this. It also may have come from the fact that I have been on a strict no-peanut diet since finding out about my younger child's PA since I am breastfeeding. I never ate anything with peanuts in the ingredients while pregnant or breastfeeding, but since learning of my nursling's allergy, I don't eat any "may contains"/"made in" items, don't eat in any restaurants that have any peanut products in any of their dishes, etc. Maybe my oldest views me and my younger child as food buddies, and now he and dad are food buddies with his food allergies. Anyway, even if you "outgrow" your allergy, maybe your DD would feel the need for you to keep the same diet for awhile---just so she doesn't feel as alone. I like the suggestion of reading books. Another idea is to try to befriend other kids with food allergies. Maybe you know people at her school, in the neighborhood, or who knows where else. Are you members of FAAN? My kids love the children's newsletter. They love hearing about other children who have food allergies.

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 1:43pm
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

There is something to the companion in allergies thing. My ds has no known allergies but at just barely 2yo, we are very careful woth some foods, esp. dd's allergens. So she considers him egg and all nuts(PA, too) allergic. Sometimes, she expresses excitement at him being unable to have a food she cannot have, and she is careful for him. She tries to give him safe things. So, at this age(5-6), from what I see, comraderie is important. That is why I suggested being cautious about coming clean on the truth.
Even if honesty is best, once it has been breached, one has to care for the tender heart of the child. Children just do not see the world as we adults do. They do not. I am a very honest parent, and it got me into some near trouble. I really rocked the world of all that is tooth faries, Santa, Easter Bunny and all that. Candy witch at Halloween included. But dd clung to her dreams all on her own, despite the truth I gave her. It is about the age.
Your dd is good with her present reality. Your guilt is not her reality. Be delicate in revealing the truth. I think you can wait, or outgrow "your allergy". Keep it simple, though. And you can always come clean when the time is right. You will know when that is.
Thankyou Corvallis' mom , BTW. Can you tell my dh I am usually righttoo!? LOL! It is always easy to advise others, but as you all see, I made a sad mistake in this arena. Hindsight is 20/20. We are all human! becca

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 2:33pm
Naer74's picture
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Joined: 11/03/2003 - 09:00

Don't have much time to respond but wanted to agree with others. Children find comfort in relating to others. My son, now 9 1/2, used to have conversations with me daily about who has what allergies. He even comments occasionally that he wishes all of us (mom, dad, & brothers) had PA or TA.

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 2:35pm
toomanynuts's picture
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Joined: 08/23/2003 - 09:00

Be honest as soon as possible and tell her that you aren't allergic.
If at all possible tell her that you will not eat the foods that she is allergic to.
To continue the lie will only cause more distress as she gets older. Tell her why you lied and always keep the truth at the forefront with you relationship. I would never find it okay to lie to your child no matter what. Tell her why you lied that you care about her and were concerned that she wouldn't eat and thought that if you said you were allergic she would eat.
The game you played about tasting the food for her should also stop obviously you would not react to something but she may and then she would really not trust you.
Secrets and lies in families can do great harm even when the child is older and finds out later. I just don't think regardless of any situation that lieing would ever be okay.
Do your best to tell her you lied and that you are very sorry and you need her to forgive you and that even adults make mistakes and do things wrong she will be okay as long as you are honest with her. She won't if you continue in the lie until you feel she could handle. Take care of it as soon as possible.
Help her to find safe foods that she likes and have her help you shop for safe foods and have her listen in when/if you call manufacturers.
It is her allergy and you as her mom need to help her to handle it and prepare her for life.
You are a great mom and just need to be honest and help your dd with her allergy.
Tell her that you will be there for her and show her your support just like you did when she thought you were also allergic. She needs your companionship in this more than anything at her age.
Finding her a friend with a food allergy will also help even if it is someone on this board or someone in your area.
It is always better to be honest and sometimes that may mean telling your child more than you want too but always tell the truth.
Take Care
toomanynuts

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 10:24pm
mommyofmatt's picture
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Joined: 03/12/2004 - 09:00

Still thinking here...
I don't know if telling her the truth this very moment would be helpful or harmful. I wonder if something like this would work: do you like your allergist/pediatrician? Could you fill them in about your situation and have them explain to your dd that everyone's body is different, mommy may be less sensitive than dd, and have the doctor review the best ways to keep dd safe, other than you taste testing your food? Maybe have the doctor tell dd that mommy made a mistake in taste testing your food first? What do you think?
No matter what anyone thinks about the truth, having you immediately outgrow the allergy or confessing that you're not allergic may not be best for your dd until she feels confident in some other way about eating.
You mentioned birthday and holiday parties....I'm not clear if you bring safe food from home or let her eat what's prepared elsewhere. Would she feel better if you bring safe food from home if you don't do that already?
I too think involving a trusted doctor or therapist would be helpful here. Best of luck to you, and please let us know how it turns out. Meg

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 11:19pm
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

For those who are being so harsh about "lying", I wonder if your children are led to believe in the tooth fairy, Santa, the Easter Bunny? Those are lies and many perpetuate them in huge ways to our children. I am not saying it is good, because many kids are quite hurt when they find out the truth. However, be careful not to judge...
I think it can just go away with a very simple corrective lie. The outgrowing or having an allergy go away can be explained as a grown up thing, and by the time the child is fully grown, she will understand why all this happened. Keeping it going is where the web grows thicker. But one more white lie to end it does not seem like a big deal *at this point*.
But it is a good point to somehow make her feel trusting of eating without you tasting all her food. That habit/ritual/practice will be hard to break just because habits are security anyway.
There were some good suggestions about teaching her more about what is safe, so she can decide and choose. And, in reality, there may be future reactions. It is always lurking. So, it is something to somehow address, but that is why we have epipens.
Maybe some psych support is in order for all the anxiety and fear, not the "lie" itself. Maybe by taking ownership for her eating choices as much as possible, the "lie" will not be so in the foreground anyway.
But, I have to state, yet again, I don't think telling the child right off that it has been a lie will help. Remember folks, the girl was not eating anything. She is at a very fragile age as well. becca

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 11:54pm
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Becca, I'll tell your DH if you'll tell mine! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
I agree... again. I don't think telling her without professional help is a good idea at this age. My own daughter is this age. Girls can be at a pretty fragile place with their moms at this age. If I were to betray my daughter's trust in me with a big revelation like that, I sure wouldn't do it without professional help. (And my own daughter is sweet as sugar candy on the outside, but made of steel underneath.)
Has your daughter ever talked through her anaphylaxis incident with you, or did this situation "fix" all of that? It sounds as though you need to have your daughter talk to someone to have a better handle on the stress about her allergy. Probably need to do that before you eliminate this comfort ritual either way.
I agree that meeting other kids with her allergy would be helpful... [i]as long as they are as sensitive to the allergen as she is [/i] because otherwise it can be depressing and more isolating. We know people in real life who do trans-oceanic airline flights, international restaurant meals, carnivals and school with no modifications. That isn't the PA we know, with all due respect to them.
I am so glad that you came back to the boards. We mean well, but can be like a big, overbearing, extended family sometimes. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]

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