I lied

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 4:27am
peanut hater's picture
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I have a dd who has been pa for three years (since the age of two). When she was 4 she had a reaction to something that was brought into our home(the safety zone) by a neighbor. Because I gave it to her and it was in our "safety zone" she stopped trusting anyone. We of course spent the evening in the hospital with needles and medicine and lots of scary stuff to a 4 year old. The next day she stopped eating. She would not trust anything we gave her. After two days, I decided to tell her that I was allergic to peanut too so that she would see that if I ate it and was o.k. she could eat it too. It worked, and she would have me taste the food first and if my face didn't turn red then she could eat it too. Now...what do I do with this, do I keep this up till she is older, and how old should she be. I don't want her to think I am a liar or that this situation is a game I am playing with her. I was in a situation where I was watching by baby not eat out of fear and felt something sould be done. I feel like if I tell her I am not allergic she might think she is not allergic either. By the way, she still after a year and a half she still makes me taste "new"foods and watches my face to see if it turns red.

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 5:19am
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Maybe, when you feel she is ready to trust foods that aren't tested by a PA mom first, you can tell her you "outgrew" your allergy. Preferably right after a doctor's appointment. She is young enough that she probably won't remember this later in life, but if she does, when she is old enough, explain that you were worried about her, and lied to her out of fear for her well-being.

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 6:02am
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How's her letter recognition at her age? Could you teach her to recognize the word peanut on labels and start going over labels with her. Once she starts to recognize it, try to make it a game (if you can?)...who can find the word peanut first.
Maybe explain you want to help her learn to protect herself too. Are you with her for every meal? Could you remove yourself from a few meals after you and she have reviewed the labels and know it's safe?
Sorry she had such a bad reaction that made her so afraid [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] Meg

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 7:04am
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I'm sorry ahead of time if I'm probably going to sound quite harsh but I have to say I am quite disturbed at your aproach to this situation.
In my opinion, it is much better to be honest with children then to lie. Why didn't you just tell her that you made a mistake by letting her eat the neighbors food. You could have said, "Honey, Mommy made a mistake by letting you eat that snack. I thought that it would be O.K. but I was wrong. I will never make that mistake again because I will be more careful next time. I love you and I want you to be safe."
Quote:Originally posted by peanut hater:
[b]"she stopped trusting anyone."[/b]
I don't blame her!
[b] Quote:"I decided to tell her that I was allergic to peanut too so that she would see that if I ate it and was o.k.[/b]
But you are not allergic. How long were you planning on doing this? What if she then ate something after you ate it and then had a reaction?
[b] Quote:"Now...what do I do with this, do I keep this up till she is older...I don't want her to think I am a liar or that this situation is a game I am playing with her." [/b]
Absolutely do NOT keep this up! Lying is never the answer. The more you lie, the less she will trust you. A parent is who a child needs to trust and feel the most secure with. If you continue to lie, she will not trust you and will start to think that it's O.K. for her to lie too.
I don't really think that it's fair for you to say that you don't want her to think you're a liar or that you are playing a game with her. You DID lie and you ARE playing a game!

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 7:26am
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I think you certainly must have done this with the [i]very very best of intentions[/i] but it has clearly got to stop. You wouldn't have asked otherwise, right?
I can understand your motivation for feeling this way-- my daughter at one time wouldn't eat anything my husband made her for about two weeks after he accidentally triggered her egg allergy at about the same age. She brought it up for about a year afterwards! So I get where you are coming from here.
I think you should do one of two things:
1. "Outgrow" your own allergy, as another poster suggested. If you can enlist your own physician that would be helpful. This is pretty important, because as was suggested, what happens if you give her something that is cross-contaminated accidentally?
I would also be worried, though, that this may cause her additional heartache if she gets her hope raised by that and then doesn't ever "outgrow" [b]her[/b] allergy, KWIM? She might even think that she's done something wrong to deserve having her allergy...So maybe the other option is necessary.
2. Find a professional to help your family with this issue and 'fess up. In session, where a good therapist can help you guys work through it. Maybe your allergist can suggest someone to help.
After anaphylaxing, we always watch our daughter for a week or two to see "what develops" in terms of her emotional needs. We are always ready to provide professional help if she needs it. And under the circumstances you describe, I think I would have enlisted that aid. (But hindsight is 20/20 I know... and it is harder when it is your own child.)
Good luck. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
I hope that the boards can offer you some support. You are very welcome here. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
***********************************
And YES, Mimi, I do think that was a little harsh. Especially since the person asking was on their first post and/or clearly seeking aid for a problem they were embarrassed about having created. Note I didn't say I thought it was a good thing... just that I can understand the thinking behind it. Hope the poster doesn't think that criticism is all that can be found here. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img]
[This message has been edited by Corvallis Mom (edited February 12, 2006).]

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 8:10am
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

What you did is completely understandable. I think some other responses were pretty harsh toward you. You were freaking out that your child was refusing to eat, and you did what you saw as the best solution when you were in a very difficult situation. Hindsight is irrelevant. Nobody should be telling you what you should have done differently. #1: You might have made a different decision if you weren't in the middle of such a difficult situation. #2: If you had it to do all over, you might have decided to do the same thing. Each of us are different people who make our own unique decisions. Let's respect each other more, even if someone does something differently than you would have.
Now that I got that off my chest, I'll address your post. I also was going to recommend that you "outgrow" the allergy. I would make it clear that it is very rare that people outgrow a peanut allergy, and your DD probably will not outgrow hers. I also would talk about how you "realized" that you outgrew the allergy. You don't want her to test on her own if she's outgrown it! I also would go over all of the ways that you keep her safe. That way, she won't think you'll stop doing the precautions to avoid peanuts just because you don't "have" the allergy anymore.
I agree about empowering your DD with information about avoiding peanuts. You can start this at any age. My 2 year old has been taught to tell people who offer him food, "No thank you. I have food allergies. I need to check with my mom or dad first" (obviously he doesn't say all of those words, but he gets that idea across. He's very verbal for a child who just turned 2). He also pretends to read labels and check for peanut warnings because that's what he sees me do and I explain what I'm doing. It's kinda sad to see my 2 year old's pretend play in a kitchen be "No peanut. Safe to eat" but I also feel good that he understands his allergy (as much as he can at age 2).
My cousin keeps food in the house that her child is allergic to (he has a long list of food allergies). Before he could read, she printed labels that had his picture on it. If the label with his picture was on a bag/container, that meant he could eat that food. Maybe that method would help your child feel safer.
You'll get through this, and don't let others make you feel badly about the way you handled the situation. I don't know what I would have done in that situation, but it might have been the same way you handled it. You were desperate for your child to feel safe and to eat! As parents, we always want to make our children feel loved and safe, and we want to care for their needs. That's exactly what you tried to do.
[This message has been edited by Mookie86 (edited February 12, 2006).]

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 8:33am
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Some people do outgrow it and so can you. Myu dd knows this, and she also knows she might not be a lucky one. I would go with the outgrowing thing and if you must, you can come clean when the child is mature enough to hear it.
I would really warn you about telling the truth without professional help. My dd is 6, and was totally devestated when I tried to fess up about a little fairy visit thing we were doing(with the advent calendar, actually). We had thought it cute to leave a surprise each night by a fairy, and when we forgot a couple of times, I tried to explain most calendars are already filled(with unsafe candy) and we were doing it. She was devestated, flipped out and made me promise not to do it anymore. Well, we did leave more treats and she is sure it really was the fairy. There was no way we were going to tell her otherwise. Children this age are very imaginative and have a hard time with reality vs fantasy at times. I think it is very delicate to try to turn around a lie (even a fun one like we were trying to do). I learned the hard way, and was lucky we got by, and it was not a serious thing. But It was upsetting to dd to think we might have lied. She found it easier to think the fairy had trouble in a snow storm than to think it was all a ruse!
I understand what you did and why. It is scary when our babies will not eat. I have a very light and picky eater in one of my children. It is a worry. Welcome to the boards. becca

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 8:36am
mommyofmatt's picture
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Joined: 03/12/2004 - 09:00

Just checking back in here....
I wanted to add that I too understand you had the best of intentions, you just wanted your dd to start eating and not be so terrified. I can imagine how hard that must have been, and don't know what I would have done in that situation.
I think it's safe to say, without ever meeting each other, and even though this is your 1st post, that we ALL love our children more than anything, and would never want to hurt them. You were just trying to protect your dd.
I feel for you and I'm sure you'll find a solution. It doesn't have to be overnight...I think I'd try to get her into reading labels and out of having you taste test all of her food before you tell her you outgrew it. Give her some confidence in her own ability to protect herself first, JMO.
And MimiM, yep, harsh. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img]

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 10:58am
Momcat's picture
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Joined: 03/15/2005 - 09:00

One way to address children's fears is by reading a story to them. A book is a little easier to take since it is less personal, and allows them to talk about their fears indirectly. I highly recommend the "Peanut Pickle" as a book that empowers kids with peanut allergy to protect themselves.
[url="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/192862345X/104-4366446-3912705?v=glance&n=283155"]http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/192862345X/104-4366446-3912705?v=glance&n=283155[/url]
Cathy
------------------
Mom to 6 1/2 yr old PA/TNA daughter and 3 yr old son who is allergic to eggs.

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 11:12am
Corvallis Mom's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I just keep coming back to this thread. I really feel for your situation. We end up doing so many things that seem right at the time... and then wonder how to fix them later. Becca is usually right.
It seems from your post as if you just need a big hug. {{hug}}
You did what you felt was necessary at the time. NOBODY can say they would not have done the same. (Nobody else was there, now, were they?)
Your daughter will know one day what you did and why. And she will probably love you for it.
So hang in there.

Posted on: Sun, 02/12/2006 - 11:21am
peanut hater's picture
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I in no way agree with what I did, I was in a desperate situation and was looking for a quick solution, this was the only one that worked for her and she clung to it. She reads labels, does not take food from any one but me and dh, and is very aware of the people eating around her. I realize what I did was not the best thing, but be that what it may, I am now in this situation and I don't know if coming clean is the best thing. I am worried about what the reaction will be, she like the idea that we have "special tummies" together. I have talked to her many times about her situation and about reading labels, and not eating strange food, but when we go somewhere like a birthday party or holiday dinner, the only way she will eat is if she sees me eat it first. I wonder if waiting till she is old enough to understand why I did it in the first place is good, and then what is "old enough"?

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