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Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 11:05am
ALLERGYMOM's picture
Joined: 10/09/2003 - 09:00

Cin I am in the crowd that thinks she set you up. She knows that you would offer to pay for there lunches so that pb would not be brought in. That is so sad on her part.
I am sorry this is happening to you. It is stressful enough with the move and a new school. Hope things get better soon
Have A Great Day

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 11:09am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Thank-you to everyone who so kindly responded. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] I am still very upset with my SIL (but again, there's something else aside from her pb comment that's bugging me). She didn't call me to-day at all, but what she did do was have one of my nieces call and ask for my daughter, just after Ron and the kids had left to go "up north". So, she knows I'm home.
Now, the night is fairly young (by her standards) so I might still hear from her tonight or she'll probably call me over the week-end. I just don't want to deal with her right now. I am too upset and angry.
Anna Marie, I can't believe your SIL was so cruel. I can't think of any other word for her at all. Do you deal with her at all? Is she your husband's sister or your brother's sister?
We left Toronto before I found PA.com and before I read about the horrors other people went through with their families with regard to PA. But still, I do have to ask myself if part of my isolation from family was, in fact, due to PA and how I knew this particular family was not going to "get it". I don't know.
I do know that my MIL was in denial for the longest time, but she has learned slowly through the years and I do think that she knows Jesse's allergy fairly well. Actually, I must trust her a lot because he has gone to her vacation spot with his Father (and sister) this week-end without me and although he's certainly prepared for PA while he's away, it's not something I'm really worried about.
Shortly after Jesse was diagnosed years ago, my MIL had taken Jesse over to this SIL's house and lo and behold, she just had to feed her kids pb that day when Jess was there. My MIL had the sense, even back then, while still in denial, to get Jesse out of her house while three toddlers ate pb around him.
Then, she's the one that complained to my MIL about receiving ANY information about PA. I stopped sending it.
Just before we were moving here, she had a discussion with her brother (my DH) about PA and said that she had sent pb sandwiches into a known "peanut free" classroom and was quite upset that her children were isolated to eat their sandwiches. DH explained why we request a "peanut free" classroom, but I guess I could see this whole thing coming at some point.
When I got here, I literally went to her home within five minutes of arriving in Toronto. I stayed overnight with the kids (there was much confusion in the old town with the two guys moving). She was extremely careful about everything she fed her girls and my two while we were there.
The second evening we were there, she had a friend come over with his children and the older girl and my SIL's girls plus my daughter were all putting these lotions and creams on themselves and bugging Jesse. They cornered him and put cream on him. Jesse ended up breaking out in a rash and I was quite surprised that my SIL was the one that jumped up (no comment on why I didn't think she was capable of "jumping up") and literally ran to find the cream to see if it had any labels on it.
We washed Jesse off and I gave him an antihistamine. She asked me if he needed his Epi-pen and I said no. I'm not even clear it was PA related. Jess has very sensitive skin.
But I thought that night, okay, she's really on the ball about this and really trying.
She has seemed to grasp the idea of residue fairly well and told me I better scrub my new place in case there was peanut residue anywhere.
One day we were down at the park with the kids (her and her three and DH, me and my two) and the ice cream truck came and we weren't buying ice cream off of the truck. It's cheaper to buy a brick of ice cream and cones when you're talking two children, never mind five.
But we were getting ready to leave. So I thought this could have been handled inside her apartment rather than brought out onto the street and even it's only a little blip.
She checked with me about the ice cream she had in her freezer and I told her it wasn't safe. She went up with her DH who was home by then (we were leaving) and got three ice cream cones for her girls and two very giant freezies for my kids.
Then, it was just like, oh bloody he**, L., why did you have to bring the ice cream downstairs? They were great at substituting something for my two when we were leaving, but my kids still had the ice cream image in their heads. And it's not a major bi*ch about her because she did do a sub and these things do happen, but it was just probably the first time I've ever had to deal with that with Jesse, with family, and it was upsetting that day (to me only, I think).
The birthday party she had for her daughter a couple of weeks ago was completely "safe" for Jesse to attend.
So, she is trying.
But I know that if I offered to buy the kids their food for this week, I would be buying it for the whole year. I can't really afford to offer to feed her kids this week but I thought it might make things easier on all concerned.
Also, if I bought it this week (even if it was in the form of a loan), she'd bloody well know that all she has to do is say she's sending in pb and I'll do my darndest to get her children fed.
Again, her idea of no food in the 'fridge is totally different than mine.
And thinking about it until the wee hours of this morning (which I'm angry I allowed myself to do as well because I had a tired crappy day because of it), I also believe that she set me up. She purposely said that in the hopes that I would think to offer.
With the other incident that happened yesterday as well, it's quite obvious to me (a cumulation of a month's worth of stuff with her) that she is a *user* and although I always give people the benefit of the doubt, as I say, if I start to buy the food, I'll be buying it year-round just because she can hang that over my head (I'll send pb).
If her children were hungry, I would give them food. If her children were going without, I would give them food. I also know that this is not the case. And, as I posted in my original post, the problem with the SIL is that because she calls me so often and sees me so often, I SEE exactly how she's spending her money and on what (I know it's up to her what she spends her money on, but jeez, that $20.00 you found lying on the street yesterday, if that's even the case, did you have to take the girls to the restaurant for lunch or could you have bought some groceries with it?).
I'm all for the rubber room thing (as long as y'all aren't plotting to place me in there as well! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img]
(It feels very strange not to have my babies with me tonight - I just feel like going to bed - how odd)
Many thanks and best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 11:19am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Oh, and the night that we did stay over at her place, so my first week-end back in Toronto, back close to family, etc., I go to give my children their asthma meds. Now, I think they're doing fairly well because they have hardly needed Ventolin at all. Anyway.
I go to give them their asthma meds before bed and she comes in off her balcony to watch. Her children are watching and I ask them if they have seen other children do puffers before or not and explain some stuff to my nieces.
My SIL says to me that she really thought I had Munchhausen by Proxy and that she researched it on the internet because her and my MIL (MIL is not here to defend herself and I don't know if she said it or not) really believed I have it because of the kids being on asthma meds, Jesse's PA, Ember's eye surgery, their environmental allergy, and Jesse's urology surgery.
I was stunned. Of course, I couldn't weep.
I won't even both confronting my MIL (my SIL isn't talking with her Mother right now) because why bother finding out if she even did say that to my SIL or if the two of them think that?
Anyway, I just said to the SIL that night, "jeez L., funny thing, Mom is always telling me how you don't take care of your children's medical needs and here I am apparently taking too much care of mine!"
That comment made me think of another member here whose IL's thought the same thing about her. I was SO upset!
But I did let it go and I've tried to make a relationship of it for the past month just because I can sense my SIL needs a *good* friend (she always needs a *good* kick in the bu**) and because Ember gets along well with her cousins (Jesse gets picked on by the Gang of Four).
Thanks for listening. I miss my children!
What *good* movies are out in the theatres right now?
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 12:09pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Quote:Originally posted by Alternative to Mainstream:
[b]Anna Marie, I can't believe your SIL was so cruel. I can't think of any other word for her at all. Do you deal with her at all? Is she your husband's sister or your brother's sister?
She is my brother's wife.
As for *dealing* with her. We used to get together at the kids birthday and Christmas. Now, the *kids* are finished high school and don't want to spend their birthdays with extended family - they have girlfriends. So, we cut down to just Christmas, and mail cheques/gift certificates for birthdays for the little one (but just cards to the big guys). And, last year, her dh (my brother) just brought the Christmas gifts up, and I went out to his car for the exchange.
I've probably talked to her on the phone about 4 times all year.
So, *dealing*? No, I guess you could say I threw the deck of cards out LONG ago. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
I should probably add that we live about a mile apart.

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 12:30pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Anna Marie, sorry, you don't have to answer this one 'cus it is really personal. Do you find the situation with your SIL sad at all (that you don't have a relationship with her and it is your brother's wife - see, at least I can say, it's my DH's sister, so further removed from me than my sister's husband, if she had one would be), or would you call it self preservation?
I just know I've tried really hard this month because, as I said, I do get the sense that she needs a *good* friend and our girls do get along. I think I could be that good friend to her and the girls get a nice relationship out of it.
But she's done things constantly through the month, finally coming to a head obviously yesterday that really has me back in the position of understanding why, when we lived around the corner from each other seven years ago, we didn't see one another. It was never something that had blown up and we came to that position.
What it was back then was because I didn't do the things she did (no need to post them here), she thought that there was something wrong with me and that I was snotty. I think also because she was doing the things she was doing (and still does do them), she felt embarrassed or something that I would see her doing what she was doing (this all sounds really weird) when she knew I didn't do the same things. So, for her, back then, it was better to keep me at a distance because she wasn't comfortable with me (or me seeing her doing what she was doing).
If any of that made sense.
But now, both of us have arrived back in Toronto after having been away. She's been away for four years. And although certainly, she's moved back into the neighbourhood where she basically grew up or spent the last twenty years (minus the last four), she knows a lot of people, I still really get the sense from her that she needs a good friend, someone that she can count on to help her out with her daughters (she had wanted me to look after the girls starting next week from 7:30 a.m. and walk them to school because she's supposed to start a job at a school and not the same school as our kids go to) and just be here. It's kinda nice if family *can* be friends.
Of course, into all of the mix is the fact that she's not talking to her Mother right now and I am talking to my MIL. I've just been fortunate that my MIL has been "up north" all summer.
But I've tried to separate stuff and just be a friend to the woman.
I think it's going to end up like it was 7 years ago, except now, the kids are bigger and going to the same school.
Oh well.
Now, what movies are playing this week-end in the City?
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 12:53pm
California Mom's picture
Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

{{{hugs}}} I hope things improve with your SIL. I will be thinking good thoughts!
[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] Miriam

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 1:25pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

California Mom, thank-you. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] I appreciate your hugs.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Sat, 09/04/2004 - 1:07am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Quote:Originally posted by Alternative to Mainstream:
[b]Anna Marie, sorry, you don't have to answer this one 'cus it is really personal. Do you find the situation with your SIL sad at all (that you don't have a relationship with her and it is your brother's wife - see, at least I can say, it's my DH's sister, so further removed from me than my sister's husband, if she had one would be), or would you call it self preservation?
I am who I am! She wants friends on *her* terms. I am not capable of being *two-faced*. I cannot act like someones best friend - then stab them in the back when I'm with someone else. So, no, I'm not sad.

Posted on: Sat, 09/04/2004 - 1:22am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Anna Marie, you sound like me. My SIL, on the other hand, will stab you in the back while you're sitting beside her. She is very two-faced and gossipy and it's one of the things that I have always not cared for with her because I'm not like that with people.
Dammit all anyway. This morning I'm out of sugar for my coffee and we have stuff still over at my MIL's (I didn't move in here until the 12th of August, stayed at my MIL's until after Ember's eye surgery).
So, our morning routine (even though it's only me this week-end) is to put the coffee percolator on and walk the dog. So, when you get back from walking the dog, the coffee is ready, even if you are out walking the dog with your eyes half closed.
It's 9:00 a.m. and I'm quite tired because I had some upset yesterday and I wasn't able to sleep last night and it was the first night in my life without my children and even though I know they're okay, I couldn't hear their breathing eminating from their room so I couldn't sleep with that weighing on me either.
I put the coffee on and get the dog and decide to walk to the MIL's to get some sugar. I have trouble with apartment keys (why are there so many?). Actually, perhaps I have problems with keys period because I haven't locked my doors in six years. Anyway.
I'm fiddling around with the keys to go into my MIL's apartment and all of a sudden, someone answers her door. O K A Y
It was the SIL. Now, she's not talking to her Mother and says that she is never talking to the woman again, so why is she in her apartment? I go in and there's my SIL with her three daughters. I'm like, okay.
SIL is sitting at the dining room table going through pictures her Mother has and apparently some of supposed to be the SIL's from twenty years ago. She starts ripping them up and saying, I don't know why Mom has these pictures and on and on.
I just wanted to get the sugar and get back out of there! They ended up leaving when I left, but we know that my SIL has been going into Mom's apartment (she has keys) ALL summer and taking whatever she wants of Mom's over to her place. It's very odd.
Now, my MIL gave me permission to take anything I wanted/needed, but I have never had the NERVE to go in there and go through drawers and stuff.
The first week-end I was here, when Ron was still in Belleville moving, my SIL showed me a bunch of different stuff that she had found by rifling through her Mother's drawers! It was quite odd.
I have Honest to God, NEVER done that. Would never think of doing it. And okay, so it's my MIL and not my Mother. But I wouldn't even do that if I was at my Mother's home and she wasn't home.
She knew I was home yesterday evening by having her daughter call anyway for Ember, but now she definitely knows I'm home for the week-end. It was probably quite good that I was half asleep because I'm not too talkative to begin with, especially without coffee. She asked when her brother and the kids were coming home and I said I didn't know, either Sunday or Monday and left it at that. She did say for me to call her if I wanted to do something with her and the kids later to-day (not).
All very strange. First thing in the morning.
I just think for me, it's better to go back to how we were when we lived close 7 years ago - keep our distance. Find some way to work it out that Em can still hang around with her cousins, but leave it at that.
Anna Marie, you didn't flee the city for the long week-end? Would you care to meet half-way? Hey, that would mean we could meet near erik's! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Sat, 09/04/2004 - 8:02am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Sorry Cindy, I've been gone for three weeks.
Today is *catch up* day at home. (Fixing the garden, shopping, and getting rid of spider webs - figurative ones.) Tomorrow is Wonderland.
And Monday we are having the family over for my grandson's birthday party. His birthday was actually while we were away and he's had his *big* party - this is just us and our kids.
And, btw, before I went away sil was asking for my son's address to bring over the birthday present. I told her the day of the party, address and phone number. This week when I called her (and she ended up getting mad) she was going on about feeling bad about not getting his present to him in time. She asked if she or my bro could drop it at my place for his party this weekend. I said sure. It's not here yet. She MIGHT have dropped it in the mail. Or just decided to take it out on a two year old. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img] Honestly, it's not her style to take it out on kids, but she's always objected to the fact that she had to buy more presents then me because I have more kids. Then, when we stopped buying for the big kids we were down to one each - until my grandson was born. And, again, she got all hot under the collar.


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