I Can\'t Believe My SIL Said This To Me!

Posted on: Thu, 09/02/2004 - 3:24pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Okay, so it's late and I'll post the *main* thing I want to post and then give some background about my SIL and how it has been re PA with her for the past month (we live around the corner from one another), little incidents, but positive things too. But not the important thing right now.

Everyone is probably feeling money crunched right now. My SIL is one of those people that no matter how down and out you are (if you ever are), she's worse.

Both of our families are having a difficult time financially right now and for me, well, it's okay (well, it's not, but do you know what I mean?).

I was at her house within the last week and her idea of no food in the 'fridge in a very different idea of mine of no food in the 'fridge, believe me.

Tonight, she's talking about not having money for school food for the kids going back to school next week (for their snacks and lunches). I'm like O K A Y because I do know how she has been spending her money daily (only because she tells me and only because she's been borrowing money from me weekly since I got here).

Now, I had mentioned in another thread that she asked me how my meeting with the school went and I said it went okay and that the school was trying to go "reduce the risk" (and she does know what that means). I got a raised eyebrow out of her and an "oh". I didn't say anything else because I don't want to get into the PA *issue* with her.

So, in her moaning and groaning tonight she says, well, I'm going to have to send the kids with pb sandwiches all next week, that's all I have.

I was stunned!

First of all, I know that's not all she has.
Second of all, I just couldn't believe she could say that to me.

The only kids that my kids are going to know when they go to school next week are their three cousins. How hurtful is it going to be for Jesse to see his cousins have pb for lunch?

I spoke with DH about it briefly and he doesn't want to talk about his sister right now because of another thing that happened to-day as well.

I said, Ron, I don't know. It's not like I have the money (let's put it this way - they have more money than I do), but I feel like calling her tomorrow and saying, look, L., what do the kids want for their lunches next week? I'll buy them "safe" stuff and you can pay me back whenever.

Of course, the other part of me just doesn't want to talk to her tomorrow at all (she calls me first thing in the morning every day and is at my home at least twice a week and on the phone probably 5 times a day, which has all been okay).

It's not just because of what she said that I don't want to talk to her tomorrow but also because of the other thing that's going on and that we're upset about.

But what does that tell Jess when his own gosh darn Aunt doesn't care enough about his allergy to respect what she already knows is going to be a "reduce the risk" school?

Thank heaven I asked the school not to place her daughter in the same class as Jesse!

I'm very hurt, upset, and angry.

If all that was sitting in her home was a jar of pb and bread, well, perhaps I could understand it and let her deal with the ramifications of her children having to sit outside of their classrooms (she was very upset when this happened last year when she knowingly sent pb into a "peanut free" classroom). But I know she has more than pb.

What a thing to say to me! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img]

Do I offer to buy them their school food next week or just let this play out (and I can already tell it's not going to play out well [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] )?

Many thanks and best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

------------------

Posted on: Thu, 09/02/2004 - 4:26pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Still up, whirling. I've decided that I can't talk to her tomorrow. It's not just the PA thing (or pb thing). It's the other thing that happened to-day as well. I can't deal with it tomorrow. I'm not going to pick up my phone.
I thought that perhaps I could e-mail her and offer to buy the kids' lunch/snack stuff for the week.
But I have to cool down right now and I'm quite upset.
(As I posted in another thread - here's something to think about, not that anyone cares. Where I live is in the middle - my MIL two streets east of me, my SIL (actually two SIL's) two streets west of me. Can anyone sing "Stuck in the Middle With You" by Stealer's Wheel without thinking about the scene in Reservoir Dogs?)
I was going to e-mail her tonight, but again, I'm too angry.
Thanks for listening.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Thu, 09/02/2004 - 10:17pm
wendysco's picture
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Joined: 05/03/2003 - 09:00

Honestly I don't think it would matter if you bought safe stuff, I think she'd probably find some excuse to send them off with pb sandwiches anyways, that's the feeling I get anyways. Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.

Posted on: Thu, 09/02/2004 - 10:56pm
lalow's picture
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Joined: 03/24/2004 - 09:00

I wouldnt buy her anything. Sounds to me like she is the type of person that just likes to stir things up and lives off conflicts. If you get upset with her it will just spur her on to continue to stir things up. Just try your best to ignore her and let Jesse know not to hang around her kids till you know they arent eating PB and J. Good luck. I know how family can be hurtful at times.
------------------
Lalow
James 2yrs NKA
Ben 17 months PA,MA,possible EA, and SA

Posted on: Thu, 09/02/2004 - 11:35pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

wendysco and lalow, thank-you for your posts. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] I really appreciate them.
lalow, I remember you posting about difficulties you were having with your family "getting it" and it was before I moved back close to mine (well, my husband's actually) and it's been six years without having to worry about family stuff. I have to say that that part of living out of the city away from family was GREAT!
Now, I just feel as though I've been thrown back into the middle of it all! I have often questioned whether or not sub-consciously PA was one of the reasons I left Toronto (and family) in the first place and I still can't answer that clearly.
I hardly got any sleep (DH doesn't understand why I don't want to get up, although obviously I am) because I was lying in bed thinking about the pb situation and the other thing that happened with the SIL yesterday. Him, of course, he just goes to sleep when the time comes last night with his "I don't want to talk about it" kinda attitude.
So, I'm not taking calls from her to-day should she call and she's going to think it's for the other reason, NOT the pb reason and really, I couldn't care less.
I have three people to get ready and onto a bus by 4:00 p.m. to-day (that's part of the *other* story to do with the SIL) so I'll focus on that.
I can tell, this is going to be just a great start to the school year. I feel so badly for Jess.
Thanks for listening.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Thu, 09/02/2004 - 11:52pm
MQriley2's picture
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Joined: 05/25/2004 - 09:00

At first I thought well...go ahead and buy the lunches because you have to think of the kids first and foremost. If this would make your child feel more comfortable to see his cousins eating safe lunches so that he may be with them during school, then I would do it.
Then I thought maybe you shouldn't do it. It sounds to me like your SIL spends money frivilously and then when it comes to the impt. things, she doesn't have any left (budgeting issues). If you offered to provide the safe lunches for the week, she may see this as an opportunity to save money for her to spend on something else and say that she is bringing pb all the time. This would in turn be a financial burden to you.
Maybe she thought that you would offer to do it because you would not want pb in the school near your child. If someone in my family did that...I would scream. You are a better person than I for not saying anything. LOL
Good luck
Renee

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 12:17am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Alt to M, if it wasn't pa - your sil would be causing trouble over something else. (Well, it actually sounds like she is.)
I think we should get a big rubber room and stick her in it with MY sil. They deserve each other.
I'm fortunate though - my sil is p* off and won't talk to me. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] But, to give you an idea of how *caring and compassionate* she can be........When my oldest was a baby he was born with a congenital deformity. The orthopedic surgeon had me doing therapy with him, and it included having his legs wrapped in bandaging 24/7. They only came off for therapy and baths, and when they got peed on. He was about 6 months old and it was a warm summer, so sitting in my parents back yard he was wearing only a diaper and the bandages (and sitting in the shade). sil says it *hurts* her to see him like that, couldn't I take the bandages off for the day. All this therapy was in the hopes of avoiding MAJOR SURGERY. I explained that to her AGAIN. And still, she said she just could stand looking at him like that, couldn't I just take them off while she was there. (Me being me, I told her to leave and don't look at my poor suffering child. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img] )
Now, with it being me (an adult) with allergies, sil is fine with it. I'm an adult and the rules truly are different. But if it was my child? I would bet dollars to doughnuts, this sil would suddenly become the biggest pb fan in north america. I swear, if she had never before bought a jar - she would suddenly have open jars everywhere when I was there. It's just her way!
Sorry I have no help to offer (well, unless you actually do know of a rubber room [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] ).

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 12:24am
Lindajo's picture
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Joined: 10/14/2003 - 09:00

I think she set you up. She probably figured you would offer to pay for their lunches, and that's what she wanted you to do. So, knowing about PA, she said she could only send in PB, probably thinking how you would object and whala...you would offer to pay!
I wouldn't do it. If you do it once, you may be doing it more than you want to. If she is that strapped for money, it will hard for her to pay you back and you could run up some serious money here. Afterall, you have a family to think about as well. [So hard to type my thoughts when my 2 girls are vying for my attention!!]
I would stand firm about not having PB in the school and if she chooses to send it in anyway, it sounds like her kids would be separated from the others. Maybe if this happens enough times, she'll get the message. Or, her kids might end up just throwing the sandwich away so that they can "fit in."
Good Luck!

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 12:47am
MommaBear's picture
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by AnnaMarie:
[b]
I think we should get a big rubber room and stick her in it with MY sil.
[/b]
[i]quietly wondering how many persons that room can accommodate. [/i] [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img]
[b]*evil grin*[/b]

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 12:55am
Claire's picture
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Joined: 04/19/2000 - 09:00

WOW alternative!! I didn't respond to this because I can not imagine this happening. Our family is to good with Chris and always has been.
MY inlaws really don't bother with us and I with them in return. We are neighbors with my MIL,FIL. We moved here knowing I mind my business they will mind theirs. i raise my kids different than most and don't really care how they like it.
As for your SIL I think avoidance may be the only answer for peace of mind.
I always avoid these kind of people because life is to short to get caught up with them.
I don't think I would offer to buy their lunches because you may very well need that money for your own children to eat. Not to mention an unknown Dr. trip may be need for the xtra cash.
I know it is hard but you should sit Jesse down and discuss what is going on so that he isn't lead into trusting them with there lunches around him. Well good luck to you and the family. Claire

Posted on: Fri, 09/03/2004 - 4:00am
mommyofmatt's picture
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Joined: 03/12/2004 - 09:00

Alternative to M.,
Can you hear the steam coming out of my ears all the way from the USA?!
Here's my vote for what it's worth. If you think Jesse would be more comfortable that first week sitting near his cousins, I'd offer to buy them lunch. But, I'd tell her the money lending stops with this and tell her why you're doing it (to make Jesse more comfortable until he gets settled).
Or would this end up in a huge brawl? Oooh I'm mad.
MB/Annamarie: I have a few people I'd like to throw in the rubber room too [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] Are we taking reservations? Are there special deals for ILs?
[This message has been edited by mommyofmatt (edited September 03, 2004).]

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