My son is 9, and while he goes on playdates without me all the time, I insist on staying at parties. They are just too busy and chaotic for me to trust that anyone else is really paying close enough attention. Nobody is offended; everyone seems to understand (and if they talk about me behind my back, [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img] to them!).
I'm sure she will understand, especially if you approach her the way you wrote.
Amy

I agree with the other posts: It is extremely reasonable for you to want to stay at the party. I have never had a parent have any problem with this, myself. And yes, if she does have a problem with it: no way would my child be spending any time at her house. I don't think you should feel the need to go into a long explanation. If you want to blame it on your dh being a bit "protective", that could be a face saving way out.
I have left my dd (age 8, now) at parties without me. I always check the food, leave and explain the meds, and leave my cell number in a very prominent place. So far so good, knock on wood.
Good luck! Miriam

Ahhh...parties.
I have never been failed to be amazed by my son's friend's parents. These people drop their kids off at my door for DS's birthday parties (sometimes I never do meet them) and without a backward glance are gone. They don't know me at ALL. Granted, our house is a safe place, but what if??? At the last party we were at the pool, and the sister of one child picked him up and whisked him off without telling me, and I almost had the entire pool put on lost child alert because we couldn't find him. I called the parents and they explained. I was furious!!!! How inconsiderate!
When DS is invited to parties of people he doesn't know, I make an effort to contact the parents before, and then when I drop him off I do the "long exit" thing...I check it out, and maybe I'll go for a little bit. This has only happened twice. Mostly the parties we go to are parents/kids that I know.
If my child had PA, I wouldn't wait to be invited to attend the party as well. I would just tell the parent that I would hang around to help, and for safety issues. If the parent told me I could not be there, that would raise a red flag for me. Why wouldn't they??? I mean, every Mom I know LOVES extra help.

This is a difficult dilemma. I have not yet encountered anyone who would not let me stay, but Kylie (6yo) is just beginning to get invitations, and I'm sure the situation will arise sometime in the near future. She is TNA, not PA, but the fears are similar (I cannot tell you how many people have I questioned who swear their homemade cookies are safe, but when I ask if they used almond extract, their eyes get big, "Um, yeah." What the *bleep* do they think almond extract comes from??!!! A NUT!! Arrrgh!) Anyway, to get back to the topic, I see myself telling the Mom and my dd that I am out on the street, sitting in my car in front of the house for the duration of the party, come out if there's a problem. I have no idea how feasible this is, but it's one of my many weird potential solutions...
Lori

I don't think it is unreasonable to be concerned about leaving your child alone in a house that she has never been to before. I have a pretty wide comfort zone compared to many of the folks here, but even I am more careful than normal with a 'new' family until I know I can trust them.
I think the way to get out of this gracefully is to make your husband be the heavy (we play good cop/bad cop frequently, with very successful results). Just call back up & say that your husband was so shaken up by your child's last reaction that he flatly refuses to let her go to the party alone, that maybe he is overreacting but the last incident was so scarey, etc., & you know him so well that you easily recognize when there is no point in arguing with him about this. Then say that your daughter really likes the birthday girl & would love to come & could you please stick around for the party too. Or something like that.
Good luck... I hope your daughter gets to go to the party.
Anne

Birthday parties. In my opinion, highly over-rated, to which effect much "mom- guilt" unnessessarily induced. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]

Hi LaurensMom, I am so glad the situation worked out so well. Now you know that other moms felt the same way you did, even without the pa. Hopefully this mom has learned that she can't just expect people to drop their kids off at houses of people they don't know. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] Miriam

I don`t let anyone watch my child unless they have watched the video "It only takes one bite". The reason is that many act like they are willing to use an Epi, but then watch the video and realize how serious pa is, and then admit that they are just not comfortable with it. I would rather find out beforehand than have them freak out if she goes into anaphylaxis and be afraid to use it. It seems like lots of people say they are willing to use it just to be polite, but in the moment they wouldn`t. In addition, most people just don`t get the precautions that have to be taken to avoid the reaction unless they live with it. Look at all the posts on these boards about family who doesn`t get it. It isn`t just about the Epi, it is about hand washing and cross contamination. I remember training a mom to use the Epi, and dd was supposed to go to her house, but dd got sick and it was canceled. Then dd had her birthday, and wrapped in her present was a piece of pb candy! The mom who was "trained to use an Epi" forgot that we didn`t even want the candy in the house. That being said, there are only two houses where the parents seem to understand what it takes to avoid a reaction (like don`t give the toddler sibling pb while my dd is there), and who have watched the video, and still want to take the responsibility. Dd has been to those houses without me many times, and slept over at one of those houses. However, for those birthday parties I still stayed because I feel that it is too much responsibility for the mom while she is hosting a party also. It isn`t about dd eating food she shouldn`t; it is more about companies making mistaks (all those recalls), and may contains that aren`t stated on the package. Dd has already had a reaction from a company making a mistake and from a product made on shared equipment and not stated.
Now that she is 7 3/4, some of the parties very few parents stay, and the last party I was the only one. I felt that it might set dd apart to be the only one at this age to have a parent there. So I decided that at the next one, I will stay in the car. I know that sounds a little strange, but then dd can have her independance, and if there is some crisis, I will be there in a flash. I have lots of reading to catch up on, it is only two hours anyhow. The mom and dd would know I am there, and I wouldn`t have to worry about dd getting stigmatized.
About your situation, I have never asked permission to stay. I think if a parent is inviting kids, she has to accept the fact that any parent may feel more comfortable staying. I think I would just tell her that you have decided you are more comfortable staying. I don`t see how you are going to train her to use an Epi, while she is starting to host a party. I personally would not ask, I would just say I thought it over and decided I am more comfortable staying. And who knows if she would even recognize a reaction if she saw one? The sister being an RN wouldn`t be enough for me to leave dd alone. In fact, this came up with brownies, one of the moms is an RN, but I never leave dd there without me. If you haven`t met the sister,there is no way to now if she is a good nurse or not or if she is pa aware. Interestingly, the pa twins at our school have a mom who is a nurse. She is very lax about the pa, and didn`t even request a peanut free table. One of her kids was in a classroom where the teacher rewarded the kids with candy, often with peanuts or may contains, and the mom didn`t have a problem with it. It was eaten in the classroom with the pa child there, and no hand washing. Just because she is an RN doesn`t mean the birthday girl`s aunt is allergy aware.
[This message has been edited by Carefulmom (edited February 08, 2003).]