How to get myself out of this graciously - opinion please

Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 9:08pm
LaurensMom's picture
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[This message has been edited by LaurensMom (edited June 17, 2007).]

Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 9:50pm
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rj
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Hi, I think what you wrote sounds good. You could always call her and just say your husband and you were talking and decided you would just feel better being there. Tell her you never left your daughter before. Then ask her about her daughter coming over for a visit, sleepover,etc. Good luck.rj

Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 10:13pm
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I think I would just go the party and check it out. Kind of have a long exit. If I did not feel comfortable I would just stay. How old is your daughter? I would not take the party away from her if she is so excited. I would try to make it work.

Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 10:45pm
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Anonymous (not verified)

Lauren's Mom, I think what you are saying in your head to say to the Mom sounds great! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
The birthday party invitation thing. I hate it. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img]
(I was about to go on now about Jesse's continuing to not be invited to birthday parties and how it's becoming really noticeable because his sister is, but I have a thread under Living with PA I can re-raise to talk about that in [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] ).
I went to a birthday party on the week-end with both of my children. When I asked the Mom if she wanted me to stay, she said "you're invited to!" I honestly think that *most* people welcome the extra hands at a party whether they think they do at the time or not. So, even though the Mom thought she didn't need your help or need you to stay last night because of Lauren's allergy, after you speak with her (with that great speech [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] ) she may simply accept because it is an extra set of hands.
I have been very fortunate that when I've had birthday parties for my kids I have had parents that wanted to stay. Not because their children had food allergies, but say because it was their child's first birthday party, first time away from them, etc. Of course, I've always had the parents who were so pleased to get some free time (of which I can become envious [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] ) that they drop their child at my door and almost run.
I've been very fortunate in that the parties that my children have been invited to, or Jesse, in particular (not that many invitations [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] ), the parent has let me stay. The one time, the woman (a friend of mine, though) had said that no, it was okay, she didn't need me to stay but when I took my kids to the door, her other adult helper hadn't shown up and she really needed me. I got to stay.
There has only been one party that Jesse went to where I felt comfortable leaving (probably posted about under Positive Experiences with Non-PA Parents under Living with PA - I think my whole bloody life is posted here somewhere, is it not [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img] ) and even then I only left for an hour.
I know exactly how you feel. You are thrilled that your PA child is included and has received an invitation. I also know how you can boggle up words when you're trying to talk to someone, particularly someone new, and about a birthday party, about PA.
I think your words sound great. I'd make the call and here's hoping if for no other reason, the woman realizes that perhaps she could use an extra set of hands. Please let us know how it goes.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 11:15pm
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I am not sure how old your dd is, but I would think there is no problem with you attending. What you said id fine. You could even say that you just always like to come along the first time and you would really like to meet them, as you have not yet met them. I think your explanation of the reactions being tricky and maybe indicate that she is extrememly sensetive to foods that might be a cross contact risk, but really have no obvious peanuts in them.
We all agonize over these things, but if the opposite were the case and a child were diabetic or something, and a Mom said she would like to be around "just in case", I would, in fact, be relieved!
Again, my dd is very young, but I imagine for a long time, we will simply have a rule that I accompany her to parties. I imagine this gets to be a thing with the children, however, when they feel too old for that. Let us know how it goes. becca

Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 11:21pm
LaurensMom's picture
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[This message has been edited by LaurensMom (edited June 17, 2007).]

Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 11:24pm
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Joined: 11/14/2001 - 09:00

LaurensMom,
I think your phone message is nice but I wouldn't make a big deal of this and just take Lauren to the party and when you get there just tell the lady you would feel more comfortable hanging around.
That way, you can get to know her better and talk a little.
JMO

Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 11:28pm
Dawn's picture
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Joined: 02/22/1999 - 09:00

We just had to decline an invitation because I couldn't be there. It's an awful feeling, but, in my opinion, too big a risk to take, unless, of course, you are very comfortable with the parents.
I think what you are thinking of saying to her is great. After all, parties get pretty hectic. How is she going to know if Lauren is having a reaction? Please let us know how it goes! Good Luck [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
(I like your description of how you handle pa with other people! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] )
[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] I was writing while you were posting...I agree with your latest post, too...a similar thing happened to us, with pur pa child. No more food was being served, and after lots of "are you sure it's okay?", I thought it was okay to leave him to play for a little bit as I went home with our then newborn. (We lived a house away.) About 10 mins later, here comes Josh, and they never even called or came looking. I tightened up my comfort zone real quick!
------------------
Be safe,
~Dawn~
[This message has been edited by Dawn (edited January 29, 2003).]

Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 11:31pm
Emmie's picture
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Joined: 10/27/2002 - 09:00

I also agree that what you have planned to say is perfect. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to stay. I personally would welcome extra help. When my non-pa son has been invited to parties I have stayed. She is your child and pa or not you have to do what you feel comfortable with.
I always felt bad for my non-pa son when he was invited to a house that had a cat and couldn't go. If it's not one thing, it's another. LOL!
I hope it all works out for you and of course your daughter and the woman says it is no problem you staying. Remember some parents are not comfortable with leaving their child at someone's house whether an allergy is an issue or not.

Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 11:37pm
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Joined: 03/26/2002 - 09:00

Birthday parties, are soooooo difficult, and with my kids there is at least one a week. (apart from the allergy worries, it can be so expensive) However , William has been to parties on his own. Depending on the mother. In most cases he takes his own food, and drink. He is aware that he must not eat anything that I havent checked and even when given the party bag , he knows to wait until I pick him up and check the food before he eats it. He can remember how ill he felt with his last allergic reaction and that helps. Makes him a little more mature than other children of his age (6) , but thats life with allergy.
When he gets home with the party bag he takes the unsuitable food out and uses it to trade things with his brothers, it was harry potter cards last year, now its those bayde blade thingys ( the noise of them drives me loopy!).
I do talk to the mothers about not letting william come in contact with peanuts. At least two mothers said that they would not serve peanut butter sandwiches and where happy to learn how to use an epi -pen. It helps that I give them his med bag with instructions on the back.
there are of course food that have traces of nuts , but that again is a fact of life, we can only do so much. Its a fine line between giving Will a normal life or wrapping him up in cotton wool.
When william goes to these parties I am nervous,( do not leave the house stick by phone, and mobile phone attached to hip!!) but he will wash his hands, avoid touching others foods and eat only the food that is provided by me.
So far he has been to at least 4 parties in the last year without me and things are ok.
Try , for your daughters sake to work with these parents, you may be surprised and if it works out this mother may invite your daughter next year and be better prepared to accomadate your daughter.
good luck,
sarah

Posted on: Tue, 01/28/2003 - 11:49pm
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Sarah brings up another great point. You simply *cannot* leave her alone if you do not teach them the epipen, anyway. So you can even say that. You will come this time to meet them, and then some time when it is not so hectic, run through the instructions so that Lauren may be there on her own at some other future date, perhaps.
But, like Smack said, it really should be no big deal that you feel more comfortable accompanying your child when you do not know a family, PA aside. becca

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