How nice do we have to be anyway?

Posted on: Fri, 05/17/2002 - 1:34am
Connielynn's picture
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pOkay. Really. How nice to we have to be to the idiots who just don't get it, are too consummed with themselves or just don't care? I recieved an emal today from the pastors wife about her daughter's open house this Sunday. She knows darn good and well how serious Jasmine's allergies are. Now I don't expect anyone to change thier open houses for us. They want to have nuts fine have nuts. I really don't care. But the snotty attitudes! "if you come there will be a dish that is rolled in walnuts.......I will serve Jasmine outside..........I will fix a plate for you to take home to Jasmine...." This is the woman who has watched Jasmine's reactions after Jazz has smelled something she is allergic to. She has been very rude to me for months, rude to my son and now my daughter. I would like to bite her head off, say things but this is the pastors wife. Help!br /
Should I write a letter to the church, nicely, explaining Jasmine's and our feelings?br /
Connie/p

Posted on: Fri, 05/17/2002 - 2:07am
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Connie:
I would at least talk to the Pastor about this. He know's his wife better than anyone and perhap's be able to get her to understand your feelings more.
Also give him a copy of Jane Brody's excellent article from the May 7th New York Times. Request that both he AND his wife READ IT!!
I made copies of this excellent article and gave it to all the Preschool teachers and program director at my son's school. There are no guarantees that people will respond,but it's worth doing!
Despite everything I've done all year with my son's Preschool teacher, she still doe'snt get it. I feel the same way about her that you feel about this pastor's wife. I would really like to knock her block off! if you know what I mean.
I lost it yesterday and screamed at her over the phone because she gave my husband a handout giving details about my PA/TNA son's preschool graduation next week. One of the details that she failed to mention is that their going to have a dessert table, and all parent are encouraged to bring home baked goods. NO MENTION OF MY SON'S ALLERGY was on this handout. Made me sooooo angry! I called her that morning and her laughther after I mentioned this to her was what made me lose it.
I had enough of trying all year to work with this noncooperative woman and killing her with kindness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told her it was yet another sign that she obviously doe'snt care if my son can fully participate in his Preschool graduation and that she truly doe'snt "get it!", then yes I SLAMMED THE PHONE DOWN ON HER!!!!!!
I've never lost controll like that with someone reguarding PA before.
I've since regained my composure and am ready to nail this woman to the wall if she even thinks of taking this out on my son during the last two weeks of preschool.
You have every right to be able to express your feelings in a constructive way. Try not to follow my example.
I think these experiences are getting me ready for the battle in the fall when Tom starts kindergarten. Trying to refine my technique, yet it may never get there when it comes to dealing with idiots.
Hope this helps validate some of your feelings. I understand completely.
Love Erin
[This message has been edited by TLSMOM (edited May 17, 2002).]
[This message has been edited by TLSMOM (edited May 17, 2002).]

Posted on: Fri, 05/17/2002 - 3:25am
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You made me feel so much better! I am really thinking of writing a letter to 'the church'. We will see! I have not thought how to repy to her email. But you can bet I will kill her with kindness!!!!!!!! I pointed a prayer chain problem out to her earylier this year and she liked to drive me nuts!! I am so sorry you didn't understand ect ect. This woman can not take the hint that if you are ignoring her it is for a reason! Gee I thought homeschool would solve my problems!
Thanks
Connie

Posted on: Fri, 05/17/2002 - 3:59am
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Anonymous (not verified)

TLSMOM, Have you complained to whoever owns or runs the pre-school? That woman doesn't deserve the pleasure of working with children.
Connielynn, a letter to the church definitely can help some situations. Being a minister's wife brings a lot of responsibility. The congregation is her responsibility as well as her husbands. I'm not sure if you have spoken to the minister about this problem before, but I would try that first. Then write a really nasty letter to get it out of your system. Then write an appropriate letter to mail to the head of the church.
One other thought. Do other members of the church understand and *get it*? Enlisting the help of others who are not personally affected can do miracles (they call her to question why she is not omitting nuts, or asking others to omit them in pot lucks). If she sees other's acting appropriately she might be shamed into it [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/redface.gif[/img])

Posted on: Fri, 05/17/2002 - 5:30am
Connielynn's picture
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I 'know' I need to talk to Pastor. I am very nevrous about it. I think the wife has something on her mind, but that is no exuse to act like this to children. She can be rude to me if she wants but leave my kids out of it!
No not everyone 'gets it'. Pastor has talked and talked but I don't know if anyone is listening. The ones who need to listen! I am to the point of giving up on pot luck dinnners and such. At the AWANA year end thing, the comander even put an add in the paper please no nuts and seeds. People still brought it. I have talked to newspapers, one was going to run a artitcle I never saw it. I emailed the paper, nothing.
Maybe I need to write an article for the papers myself!
Maybe I will email pastors wife with the above article and bluntly tell her why we will not be there. Then she will want to talk about it. I don't want to talk to her about it. I want her to shut up and listen to me. Gee that makes sense doesn't it?
Yhanks
Connie

Posted on: Sat, 05/18/2002 - 11:44pm
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I not one but two letters. One to Pastor telling him about the problems my son is having with his health. I feel I should prepare good friends about another open heart sugery.
Letter #2 is for Pastor and his wife. It was very blunt but it needed to be. There are problems in our homeschool group,just little ones but there were just little problems at church six months ago. I told pastors wife what she has done that is so rude, why it is wrong and I will not take it anymore. If she is rude to me to the point of everyone there staring at her open mouthed, she will be embarrassed because I will 'call' her on it right then and there.
I also asked her if the rumors and bad attitude about my daughter's food allergies started with her bad attitude about Jazz or if she just fed the fires.
Also told her that she could not run us out of church because she has a hang up about the social ladder.
I prayed so hard and slept better than I have in the last month!
Thanks so much for the support.
Connie

Posted on: Sat, 05/18/2002 - 11:46pm
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Also gave them a copy of Jane Brody's article and the poem Victoria ( I think ) wrote.

Posted on: Sun, 05/19/2002 - 3:20am
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Anonymous (not verified)

Connie, I'm so glad you are not letting someone (especially pastor's wife) run you out of church. I know at times it must be difficult, but of everyplace in the world, that's the last that we should let evil win.
Good luck, and God bless
Anna

Posted on: Sun, 05/19/2002 - 9:51am
TLSMOM's picture
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Joined: 05/25/2001 - 09:00

Connie:
Hang in there and hang tough! What shocks me and others on this website as well is just how selfish and ignorant people can be requarding PA. It boggles the MIND!!!
Recently I came across an article in an old Family Circle magazine, it's title was "What you think of me is NONE of my BUSINESS!".
It talks about how people make themselves crazy by worrying about what other people are thinking about them. It describes how even when we tell ourselves that we don't care what other's think of our actions, most of us do, especially as women because were raised to be nice to people and not make waves. Even when we make waves and stand up for our children, we still have the nagging doubt about what others think. I keep this article in my top drawer near my bedside to remind myself that I should'nt care what others think as long as I know I'm doing the right thing. Letting go of what others may think of us has empowered me somewhat.
When I have days like the one's I described the other day with my son's Preschool teacher, I take out the article and remind myself that I should'nt care about what other people think, as long as I'm being true to myself and my family.
I used to be a " people pleaser " and now with both my children being PA/TNA I've had to learn that no matter what I do, not all people are going to understand.
For example, there are so many people that think as PA parents that we go "overboard" or are "too paranoid" and even, no pun intended "Nuts!. I try to remind myself that there's nothing that can be done about it and to NOT CARE!!!
Were with you Connie, remember when it seems other's don't care, WE DO. GO GET EM!!!!
Love Erin

Posted on: Sun, 05/19/2002 - 10:01am
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Thanks everyone!
Erin, could I get a copy of that artitcle?
Connie

Posted on: Mon, 05/20/2002 - 1:14am
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Joined: 07/20/1999 - 09:00

In a general sense, I've recently been made to understand that although I'm polite and 'nice' by nature, I can no longer afford to be nice when it comes to these allergies.
It's when I've been nice and haven't wanted to "trouble anyone" with taking precautions that I've had my most severe reactions. I've also resisted social pressure to attend events where they couldn't guarantee that precautions would be taken, but it would "probably be okay". Umm, sorry. "Probably" isn't enough. "Have a nice time without me, and let me know what events will be safe for me to attend."
Nice? Maybe not. Safe? Yes indeed!

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