how many dh\'s take charge of the allergy?

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 12:02am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Of course, I know there are a few here, Chris, Jason(?), Pete, off the top of my head. Don't want to slam guys here!

I am going round and round with dh about checking on a snack my dd had on Monday. There is a thread below about her giving us conflicting info on what she really had for a snack on Monday. Dh said he would check with the teacher(explaining it is likey an issue with dd, and hopefully not her). Of course he never di. He drops dd off frequently, and is usally the type to say, "ask my wife" about the FA stuff.

Well, I had a baby 2 months ago and was miserable in my pregnancy, and have been very out of the loop. I really want dh to pick up some of this for me. I am so disappointed he did not follow through with our agreed arrangement to simply check.

I am having an anxiety attack, nearly, just thinking about doing it myself. I truly feel I get very emotional about it, and even when I try to be very cool and nice, it comes across. So, I actually think dh might do better at this communication, or that the teacher might "enjoy" dealing with him once in a while!

I just feel very stressed because I have been so out of the loop and trying to really trust the teacher and dd a bit. I want to let go a tad to evaluate how we will do in public school.

Anyway, just took me 30 mins of IM to sort it out with dh, to call the teacher, now, since he never checked and he would not see her until next Wed. That would be too long. But I still have the same sress as if I had to do it myself. Like they will think, "This guy's wife is making him call us now..."

Does anyone go through this? I just hate to be a nag on them and feel like I am sometimes. But it really takes that. We need to check in once in awhile.

So, this is really about my anxieties, I guess, but also, am unrealisitc to expect dh to take this burden from me for a bit now? I think he needs to learn. He is otherwise a great Dad. I can truly just walk away for a couple of hours, even the new baby and know he will deal fine with it all. But I wish he could do more allergy stuff as it really stresses me. Think I am just having a hormonal week, too. becca

[This message has been edited by becca (edited March 25, 2004).]

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 12:05am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Let me add that I just told him the same nice things I did say here. Realizing I do not do that enough! becca

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 1:04am
Peg541's picture
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Joined: 12/29/2002 - 09:00

I hope I don't regret this and I apologize in advance to the men here, each and every guy here seems to be top of the mark on their awareness and caring.
Men are [b]limited[/b] Becca. Period. They can do what they can do. Maybe I should say "some" men. I think it might be more than some though.
My husband is a decent hard working physician who juggles his office hours, patients, phone calls, hospital patients, and who knows what else all day long.
It just did not work when I tried to add PA or really anything else stressful into the mix. So I figured it was my job period.
I really lost it around DS's 7th grade. I had spent every year in his school history explaining PA and learning difficulties and was "up to here" with it all.
I met with the school and said "this is my last year explaining this stuff. You folks have to have it by now." And DS gaduated from there one year anyway.
And then miracles of miracles, DS who was looking like the village idiot all his life just slid into high school, took on a whole big academic life AND his PA. I was out of the loop.
So my years and years of seemingly unending vigilance and hard work were at an end. I dragged it all out again when he chose a college but now it is all his and he is fine with it.
So what am I saying? Hormones and new babies and little kids make a bad mix. Give yourself some time to recover. I remember pushing DD on the see saw with DS in the snugli and wonder how I did it for so many years. Not to mention the fact that DS was sick all the time and I was on constant alert.
PA is so scary and so potentially bad that the only way I was comfortable was doing it myself until DS was old enough to take over for himself. I mean the school education part, the vigilance part he did himself at age 4.
Men do not communicate as well as women. Even doctors. I can tell a story that will have them on the edge of their seats and DH can tell that same story and empty the room in three words. Even his phone message thing is boring. That's just him.
He is wonderful in every other aspect of his/our life together. He is vigilant and caring as far as PA is concerned but I trusted myself above all others.
Good luck
Peggy

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 1:46am
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Joined: 10/07/2002 - 09:00

Becca,
I have to agree with Peg. I have a GREAT husband. He is wonderful with me and all 4 of the kids. He owns his own business and is very successful.
That being said, a few years back I told him that he was not capable of "multitasking." He just looked at me blankly and said, "hunny, I don't even know what that means."
So, about 95% of the allergy issues fall onto me. I deal with the school each year, and outside activities. You know, the list goes on and on for us PA/TNA parents.
Sometimes I get mad at him because I think he doesn't care as much. However, I know that's not true. I have to just face it, I am the one who deals with all my kids "issues." He completly trusts me to get the job done.
However frustrating that is, I do accept it.
Once your raging hormones settle down, you'll be better able to handle the allergy thing again.
I also must say that my oldest duaghter who is 14 is more "compenent" than him with a lot of the allergy stuff. I guess she is just a wife in training!!!
Take care,
Denise

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 2:34am
Peg541's picture
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Joined: 12/29/2002 - 09:00

Oh I forgot Multi tasking. You know we do that without even thinking.
Cooking dinner, baking cookies, with a baby on one breast and a two year old on our ankles.
Men just do not do that. They don't need to, they do their work and keep us out of the poor house.
We have the babies therefore we are endowed with the ability to take care of them and [b]everything else.[/b]
How else would dinner get on the table, hot foods hot, cold foods cold.
We just have to see that as our role and live with it.
I hope I am not preaching. I am empathizing in the best possible way I can. If I lived closer I'd be there taking your DD to the park!
Peg

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 2:41am
attlun's picture
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Joined: 06/13/2003 - 09:00

My dh must be an exception. He's great with all the allergy stuff.
------------------
Tina
Trevor age 2 -PA
Harmony age 1 -KNA
It's a BOY!!! due June 24, 2004

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 3:09am
mommyofmatt's picture
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Joined: 03/12/2004 - 09:00

I definitely do 95% of the FA stuff. Shopping, cooking, reading labels, researching schools, researching period. I agree w/the above posts about the multi-tasking thing. Hang in Becca!
------------------
Meg, mom to:
Matt 2 yrs. PA,MA,EA
Sean 2 yrs. NKA

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 3:38am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I am not so sure I am very good at multitasking these day. It is the messy houe. Messy house=messy brain for me, truly. Maybe we get a few months grace, until baby has some schedule or can play in an exersaucer. But we certainly have not had square meals hot on the table these days, LOL! I think it is the winter, too. Having to bundle baby up just to get out for 10 mins because he them cries or something! Poor dd, really.
I digress. Anyway, dh made the call today. But the time and energy and stress it took me to be sure he handled it without putting it on "the wife" wasn't worth it. I guess what bothers me is that we come off all hysterical to folks sometimes because we are so on top of it all thwe time. I think dh's handling it sometimes, in their simple ways, would ease that impression. That would help alot. And we would come off like more of a team. becca

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 3:56am
mistey's picture
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Joined: 01/18/2004 - 09:00

I have to give my husband credit where credit is due. He is WONDERFUL with all of the allergy/asthma issues that our son has. He does research online and will forward me information to me that I may not have seen. He reads labels as closely as I do. I don't think that I could have gotten through all our son's illnesses without him.
With that being said, I will also state that I do spend more time with our son and I am a tab bit more hyper-vigilent about what he eats and where. But it's more in my nature- I'm a bit more of a control freak (especially when it comes to my son). So if I do more, it is because I feel the need to do so- not because he's incompetent. But I do realize that often I am one of the lucky ones

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 4:06am
ABreitner's picture
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Joined: 07/02/2002 - 09:00

I think I am confused about what the problem is here. Your daughter with PA goes to preschool and you want to know what she had for snack each day, is that right?
I would think that someone at the school plans the snacks in advance and would be able to give you a list each week of what the snacks are going to be.
Oh, and my dh leaves all allergy issues up to me too. Hang in there!

Posted on: Thu, 03/25/2004 - 4:29am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

I do know what the snacks are. Trouble is, dd said it was something I had never heard of and does not actually exist. Then she started making up all sorts of things when I asked her what it really might have been. needed to check with the teacher. We do not have a schedule of snack, just approve all things dd would eat. becca

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