How Could Anyone Be So Stupid?!

Posted on: Wed, 06/23/2004 - 10:40am
Kimari's picture
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Joined: 04/14/2004 - 09:00

Or am I over-reacting? The other night my 2yo PA Dd and I were over at my sister's house. Our kids were outside on the back deck playing, and we were sitting at the kitchen table, watching them through the window. Everything was fine until my brother-in-law taps on the window, he had gone outside without either of us noticing, he has a GIANT can of Planter's Mixed Nuts and is standing there, right with the kids, eating them!! If is this isn't bad enough, he points to the can, then points to my dd, and pretends to give them to her!!

I was, and still am so upset, angry, hurt, you name it, I'm feeling it. My sister and I immediately jumped up, I grabbed my daughter and told her to stay away from him, explaining why. My sister, who is a nurse, really let him have it, but I still feel like he didn't get it. He went on to ask if he had to wash his hands! DUH!!

Needless to say we left shortly after that. And as we were leaving, he asked what dd's bracelet was for. Her medicalert bracelet. Hello! He knows all this. We get together with them a lot. I don't know if he is mean or stupid or what. He has been around us enough to know that her allergy is no joke!

I cried the whole way home, I told my husband about it and he wasn't happy with BIL, but he also didn't seem to understand why I was so upset because the bottom line to him was that she didn't eat or come in contact with the nuts. It's just so much more than that to me.

Anyway, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest, I've been going over it again and again since it happened.

Thanks for listening.
Kim

Posted on: Wed, 06/23/2004 - 11:34am
selketine's picture
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Joined: 04/11/2004 - 09:00

Perhaps ask your BIL if he thinks it would be funny to walk out there with a loaded gun and point it at his kid and then pretend to hand it to her.
Clearly he doesn't take the PA seriously and you certainly have the right to be upset. I'd probably never want to see him again! He owes you and your child a major apology.
Your husband doesn't seem to get it either. Was the BIL out there with the nuts on purpose (to scare you?) or was he actually just eating some and wandered out there? It was a very strange thing to do.
I hope he will apologize and, even if he doesn't believe the PA is that serious, will honor your wish to avoid peanuts around your child.
**edited to add that since he did this in front of his kids they might also decide to pick up the joke (depending on their ages but I'm guess they're old enough to understand and not toddlers). I'd request that everyone sit down with the children and he apologize in front of them too so they will not be tempted to do the same thing - which could be more dangerous.
[This message has been edited by selketine (edited June 23, 2004).]

Posted on: Wed, 06/23/2004 - 1:33pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Kimari, welcome! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
I agree with what the previous poster said. What the heck was the man thinking? And why was he motioning to pretend that he was given your daughter some? Is this some kind of joke to him?
I'd also be upset because he did do it in front of HIS children and so they might just pick up on Daddy being "funny" about their cousin's allergy. I agree with the person who posted that said he should apologize and apologize in front of his children so that they understand the seriousness of what their Father has done.
As far as your DH. Well. Okay.
I've found that this will happen a lot with my DH. Unless he is actually in the same situation with me where something happens PA related, he often thinks I'm over-reacting. Of course, I then feel like swatting him upside the head (and people wonder why we are separated often [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img] )
Yet, to counter that, I have seen him as upset or even more so than I am, when something PA related happens and we're all together. It's like he has to actually be there and see it before it registers in his brain that it wasn't okay (whatever happened or whatever was said).
Last year when I had difficulties with the school and came home crying a couple of times, it was him that actually went back over to the school to try to sort things out and find out what had happened.
I don't know, do men have different learning curves than women or something?
I'm glad that your sister gave her DH royal doo doo.
As I've often posted here, I don't have difficulties with our families "getting it" re PA because we don't live near any of our family right now.
But I do remember shortly after my son was diagnosed, my MIL took him over to her daughter's house to see her and his three cousins. What does she decide to feed her kids? Pb. And I knew that wasn't what she *normally* fed her kids for lunch. Not that she did it out of spite or anything, but she just wasn't thinking and damned if the day she chose something other than her normal lunch menu, it HAD to be pb and it HAD to be when my son had gone over.
My MIL, thank heaven, had the good sense to scoot out of there as quickly as possible.
I wasn't there and I'm sure I didn't hear about her feeding her kids pb until long after it would have made me angry or upset enough to confront her.
But man, it is just so upsetting when family and friends don't "get it". Your BIL was not funny.
I also like the loaded gun analogy. To me, he might as well have fired the bloody thing as well. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/mad.gif[/img]
Glad your daughter is okay. Big hugs. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Wed, 06/23/2004 - 11:57pm
California Mom's picture
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Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

Kimari, I share your pain, anger, and sadness over this. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] Your BIL is an idiot, for sure. He sounds like he has a sadistic streak, as well.
If I were you I would not want to be around him at all, until and unless you receive a genuine, heart felt apology from him.
The loaded gun analogy is certainly appropriate. I also do think that apologizing in front of his own children would be very important. However, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would do that.
As for your dh not getting your feelings: at this point (after 12 years of marriage) I no longer expect my dh to understand my feelings at all. Sad, I know. He always thinks I over react.
The saving grace here is that this was someone on your side of the family, so at least you shouldn't have the added issue of trying to deal with *his* brother, or somebody like that.
It sounds like you and your sister are close and she "gets it". Hopefully you can let her know how upset you are and why you really do not even want your dd around him until/unless you see a serious change of heart and some major apologizing.
Take care,
Miriam

Posted on: Thu, 06/24/2004 - 2:49am
CorinneM1's picture
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Joined: 06/20/2002 - 09:00

No, I don't think that you were over reacting. Sorry, your BIL is a prick and not only owes your family an apology, but needs to have a discussion with your husband and you about his behavior and why this was so inappropriate and dangerous.
I am glad to hear that your sister let him have it, but if you don't think that he got it then he didn't. Call your sister and tell her that you need to talk to him to ensure that he gets it and that until he does, you don't want him around your kids. I would threaten that. It is that serious, and he was that out of line that he needs he know how ticked and upset you are about this.

Posted on: Thu, 06/24/2004 - 2:59am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Sorry, Corinne, I need a laugh to-day, or at least a "good" smile on my face, and I could not help bursting out laughing at what you called the BIL. LOL!
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Thu, 06/24/2004 - 3:34am
CorinneM1's picture
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Joined: 06/20/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by Alternative to Mainstream:
[b]Sorry, Corinne, I need a laugh to-day, or at least a "good" smile on my face, and I could not help bursting out laughing at what you called the BIL. LOL!
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
[/b]
Glad to help. Sorry, I have a little bit of a mouth. Prick is considered gentle by my standards. I wanted to call him something else, but toned it down a bit. Again by my standards. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
But he is!

Posted on: Thu, 06/24/2004 - 6:35am
Claire's picture
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Joined: 04/19/2000 - 09:00

I assure you he probably didn't get it! What a jerk. He needed those nuts right then!! I would never let him around my child again if i were you. WOW he sounds just like my FIL. He still does that kind of stuff knowing Chris almost died many times because of his allergies. I HATE that man and right now I hate your BIL.
THis sounds like a horror movie and you were in the movie.
Let me know if your BIL ever talks about this with you and does understand. Good luck CLaire

Posted on: Thu, 06/24/2004 - 11:32am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Corinne, it's okay. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/cool.gif[/img] Anytime you read one of my posts and see the word Chrikey, you can probably substitute it with another word (of your choice) and also if you see me say "bloody" you can usually substitute it for the f word.
It's only teacher and I that have had the moxy (for you e-mom [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] ) to post WTF here.
No, you simply don't mince words, and hey, I like that! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/cool.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Thu, 06/24/2004 - 12:27pm
helenmc's picture
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Joined: 05/01/2002 - 09:00

Jeez Corinne, you were polite - I was going to call him an arsehole...but that's just 'cos I'm an Aussie!
I really feel for you Kim, but was heartened to see that your sister knew he had done the wrong thing (I guess she's seen anaphyalaxis as a nurse?).
We really struggled with Helen's family not getting it until they saw her carted away to hospital in an ambulance halfway through Christmas dinner (in 2002). They "get it" now!
Some one suggested threatening to not visit them any more - good advice. You could even do more than threaten: cancel your next get together "until I'm convinced my kids are safe".
I wrote to Helen's family and told them we wouldn't be visiting them unless they changed their ways (Hel was poisoned by pn contaminated HOMEMADE biscuits they brought over for Christmas Day). Combined with the scare they got by seeing the reaction happen it did the trick.
Welcome to the board and remember you now have lots of new friends from all around the world [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Geoff (Helen's hubby)
[This message has been edited by helenmc (edited June 24, 2004).]

Posted on: Thu, 06/24/2004 - 12:52pm
Kimari's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/14/2004 - 09:00

Thanks you so much everyone for your support. It's nice to hear that I'm not over-reacting, although I really didn't feel like I was.
I brought the subject up again today to my sister. I feel like talking to BIL is like talking to a brick wall, so for now she will have to do it. I used the loaded gun analogy, as I said before she totally gets it, and she told me that after DD and I left she sat him down and really explained to him the seriousness of his actions, and also let him know what an ASS he is. She stated that she's not sure if he thought he was being funny or was incredibly irresponsible, or maybe some of both. In my opinion one is just as bad as the other.
I will eventually talk to him about it, I want to do it face-to-face so he can't blow me off. I think if I see him right now I will probably do something I will later regret. Or maybe I won't regret it! Either way, he won't be around my daughter anytime soon. And I've warned her as much as I can without scaring her, (she is only 2) to stay away from him. It's funny, but she kind of avoids him anyway, never wants to give him a kiss, etc. I guess she already is a good judge of character. My good girl.
Anyway, thanks again, you all made me feel much better.
Take Care,
Kim

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