Here we go again - Easter with the in-laws - Any ideas?

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 12:12am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I really thought we'd come over the mountain on the peanuts/nuts products in my in-laws house when we are there. Guess that was only for Christmas. It's Easter and they want to have an egg hunt (filled with candy) along with bubbles, etc. It seems they can't find any chocolate candy that isn't contaminated. Shocking. So they want to have it in the eggs (along with other safer candy) and they will put the candy "up and out of the way" after the hunt. I'm just irritated that people can't live without chocolate for one friggin day and these kids do not need all of this candy. This candy is in addition to the baskets they will get at home. Am I just being unrealistic?

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 12:33am
saknjmom's picture
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Joined: 04/02/2003 - 09:00

They apparently haven't tried really hard!!!
Are you avoiding "Chocolate" or worried about contamination? (just remind me).
Hershey's has candy that is fine...kisses, whoppers (i think there is an easter version) vermont nut free chocolate, first born etc. I also saw some candy (chocolate) that is fine with dora, spongebob and other characters. I cannot remember the brand. Others here have posted about finding solid chocolate bunnies by hershey's as well. Peeps are also safe. They would have to be re sealed after the hunt, you could give them all ziplocks so they won't dry out.
Many times for my son, we've put coins and $2 bills in eggs, hidden toys in the yard done things like this just to keep the candy level down not because of PA.
I would go to the store, buy safe candy, ask them to divy up the bill and call it a day. Too easy for your child to end up with an unsafe candy.
What a pain. I'm sorry they can't see beyond their own wants.
[This message has been edited by saknjmom (edited April 03, 2007).]

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 12:54am
stephi13339's picture
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Joined: 03/09/2006 - 09:00

Absolutely not- you are not being unrealistic!!
Last year was my dd's (3 yo) 1st Easter with PA. I was very worried about the egg hunt. Its a big tradition in my DH's family, and we had just gotten the dx of PA- so I had no idea what kind of support I could expect.
Especially since Easter is so BIG on candy. My Easter baskets when I was little were filled with PB!!! I started eating it as soon as I woke up and kept up all day long. The thought of my little neices and nephews (and their parents who have been sneaking some too!) being covered in PB and wanting to hold and kiss dd- scary. Then there's the candy in the eggs- would it be safe? The year before (before PA dx) the candy in the eggs was PB cups.
Well, we mentioned and reminded my FIL about safe candy for the egg hunt. Chewed our nails and went. The cany- completely safe!!! It was mostly hard suckers (that she's too young for)- not really the kids favorite- but, who cares? He tried and did a great job. I was sooooo worried, but he did a great job. We also kept a close eye on her, and had to ask everyone before they touched her about if they'd had PB or not.
Your family can make it safe for your child- and should. Can't find safe chocolate?! Hello- kissables?! Or how about skittles, starbursts, gum, $ (like quarters and dimes), small boxes of nerds?! Really, they aren't thinking too much about this. Maybe you should go ahead and buy a bunch of these safe candies and take it over to the person in charge. That way they have to go through the "hard" process of finding safe candy.
How "hard" is it anyway? Isn't your child's safety worth the extra "effort?" I mean, when there's someone in the FAMILY with a health condition, FAMILY usually goes out of their way to accomadate. When someone's diabetic- you have food that they can have. If someone's allergic to your animals- you clean up really well and cage up the animal for the day. When someone's eldery or sick- you offer them a place to sit and attend to their needs. You give a chair to a pregnant lady or a quiet room for a breastffeding mom.
Your family needs a dose of compassion. Bring the safe candy over to the person in charge. (before she has a chance to buy the bad stuff) Kill her with kindness. Make a point of how you didn't want her to have to go "out of her way." Show her how compassionate and kind a person you are, that you're willing to go "out of your way" to help HER.
I hope you have a good poker face, you need to bluff your way through this. Thank her for being so thoughtful about your child's safety. That you appreciate her using ONLY the safe candy that you've provided- you're sooooo glad that the family is being so supportive. How nice that you will feel your child is safe. She's your hero, you hope everyone else will be as understanding as she is.
You'll be backing her into a corner. She'll have 2 choices. #1- she goes along with your "assumption" that the candy will be safe because she doesn't want to embarass herself by correcting your false "assumption." or #2- she calls your bluff and tells you that you're assuming too much. That she's choosing not to use the safe candy that you've already bought and have sitting on the table before her.
She'll be foreced to go along with your "assumption" to save face. Its manipulative , I know, but if she goes along with it she can come out of it smelling like roses. She'll be the good guy. Maybe you could even squeeze a few tears of gratitude out, that'll really get her. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 3:05am
gvmom's picture
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Joined: 08/24/2005 - 09:00

[b]I really thought we'd come over the mountain on the peanuts/nuts products in my in-laws house when we are there. Guess that was only for Christmas.[/b]
Family usually is only able to retain information for one holiday. Long-term memory function is abnormal when it comes to this issue -- at least that I've found.
[b]It's Easter and they want to have an egg hunt (filled with candy) along with bubbles, etc. It seems they can't find any chocolate candy that isn't contaminated. Shocking.[/b]
Funny. We manage to find enough safe candy for PA/TNA/EA. In fact, we are able to find so much, that we still have junk left from Halloween. And most all of it would fit into plastic Easter Eggs.
Do your in-laws walk through the store with their eyes closed?
[b]So they want to have it in the eggs (along with other safer candy) and they will put the candy "up and out of the way" after the hunt.[/b]
Yeah. Right. A bunch of kids. A bunch of candy. I can see it now, "C'mon children, now that you've just gotten all your eggs, we have to put them up because it isn't safe for ......."
[b]I'm just irritated that people can't live without chocolate for one friggin day and these kids do not need all of this candy. This candy is in addition to the baskets they will get at home.[/b]
They could live without it. It is not really about the kids anyway is it? Clearly if it was, safe candy would be a priority to make sure ALL THE CHILDREN could be involved, SAFELY. Adults have an idea of what should happen, and trying to change a fantasy that they have in their heads for that day is the hard part.
I'm with stephi (HI, btw, haven't seen you in awhile) -- you either provide all the candy, kill them with kindness, or, you stand your ground and not go.
[b]Am I just being unrealistic?[/b]
If you think that somehow family will be better about this than the general public, then yes, you are being unrealistic.
If you believe there is a way to have safe candy at your family's celebration, that it wouldn't be a hard thing to do, and that your family SHOULD care about your child's allergy, then you aren't unrealistic..... but what should be done, what is the right thing to do, the caring thing, doesn't really seem to be what gets done when it comes to FA's.
Of course, I say this after years of trying and finally giving up. We don't go to anything anymore. We did get an offer to go an Easter thing my in-laws set up. In the park. They are providing everything like plates, dishes, utensils, and will be BBQ'ing meat you bring yourself on the park BBQ's. They want potluck sides & desserts. And we (DH, myself & kids) could have our own table, so we wouldn't have to worry (insert rolling eyes here).
Separate but equal works even less for me on my own time than it does when it comes to the stuff with the school. If I have to drag everything there, to sit separated from everyone, I may as well stay home, where there is a fairly clean bathroom, and no in-laws to grate on my nerves all day.
[This message has been edited by gvmom (edited April 03, 2007).]

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 3:30am
CorinneM1's picture
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Joined: 06/20/2002 - 09:00

Why don't you offer to supply the eggs for the Easter Egg hunt? Problem solved.
And give them a list of candy that is safe for future reference.

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 4:24am
NicoleinNH's picture
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Joined: 06/21/2003 - 09:00

I would purchase all of the candy and then I'd go to whatever inlaws and help stuff the eggs---just to be sure (and to be helful [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img])
I think it is unrealistic to think they can read labels and purchase safe candy as well as you. They should be able to do this, but apparently not completely willing/committed.
Happy Easter! (Hershey plain milk chocolate Kisses, skittles, starburst, coins, etc..---I think even Cadbury minieggs, right?)
We're having the Easter festivities at our house---solves a multitude of food related issues [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Nicole

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 5:19am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I did offer to help with the Easter candy this year, but one of the sisters (aka ring leaders) said that two other people were "taking care of it" and she was going to get seed packets and bubbles. Her daughter who is my DS/PA's age was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis so I tried to kill her with kindness in that arena as well. I was in the store today getting Easter stuff for our baskets and found some safe candy (there's plenty of it!)that is fine and then got other stuff (non-candy) and realized that the kids don't need so much candy! It's just ridiculous how much candy is handed out at some holidays. It's just a power struggle with the in-laws, isn't it?

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 5:33am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

stephi13339 - I took your advice and fired off a "manipulative" email. See below. I'll let you know how it goes!
Dear ****, I just wanted to make sure that the candy that will be handed out at Easter in the eggs is peanut/nut free and safe for Austin? I know you said that Paul and Dawn were getting some candy together and you were getting some seed packets and bubbles(?) as well. I know you all have been supportive of not having any peanut/nut candy or cross-contaminated candy and that's so important - especially during these candy-filled holidays. It's so great that there are so many types of candy that are peanut-free or safe nowadays! Even Hershey kisses are peanut-free. Please let me know if you need any help getting supplies - I would be happy to help. And thanks again for organizing all of this and making sure that things are safe for Austin - that means so much to us.

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 5:40am
gvmom's picture
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Joined: 08/24/2005 - 09:00

[b]It's just a power struggle with the in-laws, isn't it?[/b]
Some may view it that way, but try not to.
The way I see it is that I am my child's advocate. I have to do what is right for him. I have to work to make sure the situations I introduce him into are safe for him, or we know how to navigate them.
Family may believe it is about power, control, etc. And it may be that they have a need to have things "their way". For them, then, it is about power. But I remember, they have a choice I don't. They can choose to ignore the FA's, or do what is right to include my children. My only choice is to make a decision based on what it is they choose to make family gatherings about.
It isn't ego for me, it isn't about manipulation, it isn't about power, or games. It is about the lives of my children. They can take it or leave it. I can't.

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 6:26am
saknjmom's picture
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Joined: 04/02/2003 - 09:00

For me, I cannot relinquish control of stuff like this. I don't trust others to buy Easter Candy for my son. Even my close relatives.
I kind of like to be in charge anyway, but always try to do it in a way that people don't accuse me of being controlling.
I feel I have the right in the instances of protecting my son's food allergies to dictate what candy is purchased and to purchase the candy for ALL the children participating.
I will guarantee you that if you don't take control of this there will be unsafe candy that will be brushed off as an oversight.
You'll look like the bad guy as cousin sally's unsafe candy is snatched away from her.....

Posted on: Tue, 04/03/2007 - 7:03am
MommaBear's picture
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by gvmom:
[b][Of course, I say this after years of trying and finally giving up. We don't go to anything anymore. [/b]
you really need to find the antennae. if you lived here, I'd invite you to our home for the holidays, ya non-believer. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
I'd even give you the head off the lamb cake. (you could pretend it was mine).
I wouldn't force anything down your throat, save for some roast lamb and rice pudding. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
Instead of an easter egg hunt, we could make baskets of snowballs. . . (it's supposed to dip in the freezing temps here next week)
...so "HA!" for all those egg hunts! nanabooboo. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img]
We'll still be having our easter hunt in the house all day long (if they help put the dishes away, they have a greater likelihood of finding some of the "evening eggs"), but we put in "gold" dollars (obtainable at your bank branch) and a few real silver ingots (sometimes with holiday commemeratives stamped on them) from the local coin shop (each for just under a 20 note) in each of them.
We stragegically guide the cubs to the ingots early on to insure a fair distribution.

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