Have you designated a guardian for your PA child? Who?

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 4:19am
Corvallis Mom's picture
Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

pThis is something which is so scary to me that I don't even want to think about it, but sometimes I wake up from nightmares in a cold sweat. Whe WOULD take care of my 2yo if DH and I were both suddenly gone? Most parents designate a grandparent or other relative, but in our case, I don't know of ANYONE I could really trust to do the job that we do. Our parents are also elderly, since they (and we) had children relatively late. Anybody else out there who has given this some thought? (I know, its morbid, but I think that I have been in denial that it could ever happen at all, and in the case of a PA kid, how much more important that there be a plan for it!)br /
Thanks already for the great feedback! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]/p

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 4:43am
anonymous's picture
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I feel the need to confess here that we HAVE NOT filed our will! We have had it drafted for over 2 years, but have never seen a lawyer to file it.
In Tennessee where we are, children not covered by a will become guardians of the state. The state can give them to anybody they want!!!
We have chosen my sister, but what difference does it make if it is not official?
Okay I'm kicking myself here. Maybe I need to spend as much energy to call a lawyer!!!

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 7:27am
BENSMOM's picture
Joined: 05/20/2000 - 09:00

This is a really tough one for me and it has nothing to do with PA. My kids were supposed to go to my one sister, but she has been recently widowed, and also she smokes and has cats--out of the question (Ben is borderline asthmatic and is allergic to cats.) My other sister is just chaos. She is a doormat to her son and her husband is very authoritarian, although he is very patient and never yells. Her son gets to bed around 10pm, they have no routine, it's just not where my kids would do well. She is my choice for now, but I'm not happy about it.
My husband's brother has no kids, and they are becoming very Christian (I and my kids are Jewish, husband is Catholic.) His sister has no kids, but she and her husband seem to be great with kids, and they are adopting a baby at the end of the month. That will give me a better idea of what they would really be like as parents. My brother-in-law is in the air force, so they move a lot and are in Japan right now, but will be on the east coast (US) for the next couple of years. They may be the best choice. Still a religion issue, but I think they would make an effort to keep Judaism alive for my kids. My sister-in-law is always buying them Jewish books and stuff.
I have a friend who wants them, but for me, it has to be family. Help!

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 9:38am
JoannaG's picture
Joined: 04/24/2001 - 09:00

This was a very tough one for us. Our nearest immediate family members are a five-hour drive away; others live outside the country. Some "get it"; some don't.
We made our wills just two years ago (kids were 8 and 10 at the time) with the idea that we would change the guardianship provisions as the children grow and DD takes on more responsibility for the management of her allergies.
After much agonizing, we designated some friends who know us well, have a similar lifestyle to ours and most importantly, understand and accept what is needed to live safely with a life-threatening food allergy. Our families were not happy with this, but it is the best decision for us for now.

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 10:50am
anonymous's picture
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I'm new here, but hope you don't mind me barging in!
My husband and I had our wills done when our twins were a year old (they're 21 months now). We named my husband's parents as guardians for our kids. Even though my father and stepmother live close by and really love our kids, my in-laws are really the better choice because they see our kids every day and are really in tune with their schedules, likes and dislikes, etc. They also live right next door, so in the event something happened to my husband and me, at least our kids would be in pretty much the same environment they've always known.
I think it's really important to have this sort of thing in writing, and my husband and I are so relieved that it's done. Now we know that if anything ever happened to us, our children would be in the hands of the people we chose, rather than some other arrangement that we might not have wanted.
Andre's Mom
[This message has been edited by Andre's Mom (edited June 01, 2001).]

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 11:04am
anonymous's picture
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

Andre's Mom (Susan), we have done almost exactly the same thing, instead my parents are the guardians, and my brother and his wife are the "back-ups". My parents are in their late 60's, but are totally "with it" with regards to PA and in good health. My brother and SIL are also "with-it", with my SIL being TNA, as well they have friends with a child that is PA. The reason they were not our first choice is that they are childless by choice, however wonderful with children (SIL is girl guide leader, does clown act at birthdays).
We passed up my husband's family entirely (5 brothers and sisters, all too dysfunctional). We had our wills done so there would be no chance of them going to that side of the family.

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 11:47am
KarenT's picture
Joined: 10/30/1999 - 09:00

We became creative with our will last year. In the beginning when there was one child and my parents were younger they were the first choice until my younger brother would be older and more responsible. Well now there are four children ages 11, 8, 5 and 3.
I do not expect one family would be able to take on four extra children even if they are family. We decided that we would name guardians who would be responsible for hiring someone (or two people) to come into our home and care for our children's daily needs. Family would come to them in there safe house and they would still go to there school and live in the city they have grown up in. (My husbands parents live in an in-law suit in our house). I would imagine that if something ever happened to my husband and I my parents would spend most of their time in our house but at least they would have someone to help them. We have made sure all the financial side is looked after so caring for our children would not cost anyone any money.

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 11:52am
DMB's picture
Joined: 02/22/2001 - 09:00

We had our wills drawn up last year (our boys are now 4 & 2). We designated my parents as guardians if something happened to my husband or I. We really don't have back up guardians. I am such a picky person by nature and when it comes to my children--I am very, very particular. I just couldn't imagine anyone else raising my children--I have to stop thinking about this now!

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 12:08pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

No, we haven't. Actually, I believe we would have had a pretty tough time even before PA entered the picture on finding someone that both my DH and I would find suitable. We don't have that many people to choose from.
Then, with the PA equation entered into it, no, there is NO one that I could trust to take care of my son to the degree that I do (and we do not live in a bubble). At times, I even question what would happen if it was solely me that died and left my DH raising the kids (troublesome thought, I know).
Corvallis Mom, I have thought about raising this question so many times but because of the depressing answer I have, I couldn't bear to post it and answer it.
No, I don't. I just hope that I would be an angel up there making sure both of my children were safe. And, of course, all peanut crops would die and never re-surface until a traditional medicinal cure was found for PA while I was up there! LOL! (I'm sorry, I had to make a joke because otherwise answering this was depressing).
I think also for me the age thing factors in highly here. I'm 42 and so is my husband both this month. So, it is not unconceivable that something could happen to either one of us or both of us, more so than say if we were both 32.
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 12:22pm
DeeJay's picture
Joined: 07/05/2000 - 09:00

We originally had my husband's sister and brother-in-law as guardians in our will, and then I found out her husband had shot their dog in the butt with a pellet gun to "teach" it not to run away, and there was no way in hell I would ever let them be responsible for my kids! So we have one of my best friends and her husband as guardians--they are wonderful, my kids know them well, and I feel comfortable that they could handle the peanut allergy aspect.
One thing that I told my friend is where we keep a key to a firesafe lock box in our home. In that box I have all our insurance information, but right on top I have a typewritten "book" of all the things that they would need to know about the kids' peanut allergy, and who our allergist and pediatrician are and their phone numbers. If the unthinkable happens and someone else has to raise my kids, they have to know right away about M&M's and cross contamination and going on field trips and all the other thousands of things that come naturally to us.
Just a few weeks ago, a 36 year old mother of 4 in our school died unexpectedly of a blood clot. It is very important that parents have a will and guardians selected so that there is a minimum of upheaval in the event of a tragedy.

Posted on: Fri, 06/01/2001 - 1:43pm
ConcernedMom's picture
Joined: 01/31/2001 - 09:00

Like others here, we have not officially (or legally I should say) filed our will. Like many here, my husband and I couldn't decide on which sibling we would want raising our children. I love my sister dearly, but there are aspects of her parenting that I do not agree with. So we decided on my husband's sister. But like I said we have not legally made this binding.
Enter the PA angle, and now I am doubting our choice of guardians. It's not that I don't think my sister-in-law doesn't "get it", but in general my husband's family doesn't understand the seriousness of my daughter's allergy. With respect to keeping my daughter safe from PA, I actually think my sister would be the best candidate for guardian.
That is why I don't want to legalize our choice! I think if anything were to happen to me and my husband, knowing my sister she would fight to have custody of them.
Maybe if we ever do draw up a will, I should include very strict guidelines as to how our appointed guardians need to deal with a PA child.


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