Has PA ever cost you or your child a friendship?

Posted on: Tue, 10/12/2004 - 2:23am
nicolimom's picture
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Joined: 02/04/2004 - 09:00

Has this happened to anyone else/or what would you do....

My son is friends with another little boy, and this other boy and his brother eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day for lunch. While my son was never over thier house for lunch my son has had an allergic reaction almost every time he has gone over there (even before we were certain what his allergies were). My friend insited that my son was having an allergic reaction to her cats, since my son never ate peanut butter over there. It is true my son had a positive skin test for cats, but he has never reacted to any other cats before. My son is a high level 5/6 on his caprast. He is very contact sensitive. His reactions at this particular house have varied from eyes that have practically swelled shut, to welts on various parts of his body, sneezing, etc. I believe he was having contact reactions from toys, etc, and his allergist , of course said not to bring my son over their house anymore, which I don't , and needless to say , didn't go over to well with my friend.

I have since moved the next town over, and I am wondering whether or not to keep the friendship up. I feel like this is such a strange situation, but I posted here about a month ago about a contact reaction my son had from my grandfather, simply eating it before he came over to visit. I feel like I am supposed to hose this family down at the door, you know ? (just kidding....I think) Seriously, my 'friend' isn't the type to give her kids something else for lunch, she says her kids wouldn't eat unless its peanut butter.

Is a friendship like this worth the effort? My son does like these kids a lot....

TIA

Posted on: Tue, 10/12/2004 - 2:27am
nicolimom's picture
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Joined: 02/04/2004 - 09:00

Just wanted to clarify my son 's caprast score was for PEANUT. He did not get a caprast for cats. Sorry for the confusion.

Posted on: Tue, 10/12/2004 - 7:31am
travelplus's picture
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Joined: 04/18/2004 - 09:00

Well I don't have any food allergies but I would say keep the friendship going. The more friends you have the better. If he/she is a true friend, they will be sensitive towards the needs and try to accomodate the person with the allergy in the best way possible. Why should food(I know it's serious in this case) make or break friends? I would really think about continuing the friendship. It would make the friend feel downhearted if you stopped the relationship. Has the friend been mean regarding the allergy? Has the friend ever been mean non-allergy related? If you take the time to answer the questions and many more you will have a second way to see the friend means no harm. I hope the answers to the above questions is no.
Good luck!!!

Posted on: Tue, 10/12/2004 - 7:36am
Carefulmom's picture
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Joined: 01/03/2002 - 09:00

Has this mom never heard of hand washing? If it were me, I would not let my child go over there due to the obvious reactions, but I would let her and her child come to your house. However, I would lead them straight into the kitchen to wash their hands. If we know a child is a big peanut butter eater, we always do that, or if it is a new friend. There is nothing for the woman to be offended about if you do that. If she gets offended, then I say it is not a friendship and I would let it go.

Posted on: Tue, 10/12/2004 - 7:47am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

It is tough, but I might let the outreach fall onto her for awhile and see if she gets the hint. I tried a confrontation with a *good* friend(of dh anyway) and it was not well received. We did get through it, but if that didn't go well, I am sure similar things with less close friends can go wrong as well.
Or, you could just be honest. if you truly value the friendship, then explain that first. How much you value them in your life, but... and explain how serious these exposures have been for your ds. This is not good for him in terms of sensetizing him repeatedly. Whatever the reaction. Who cares if it is cats or PB, it is seriously bad reactions and repeated.
I find I gravitate to the people who offer the greatest accomodations without us ever asking. Several neighborhood children live on peanuts and PB, and the moms are very concerned about having the kids wash up after, even if they are all outside. My next door neighbor became very worried when she learned about cross contact and trace issues and told me very clearly how her messy 2yo ate PB regularly. She offerred up that she often changes his shirt before going out in case he runs into dd.
I think these are the friends to seek out. It seems sort of strange that a true friend would really resist so. The care and concern should come from the heart, not conflict. becca

Posted on: Tue, 10/12/2004 - 8:29am
Christabelle's picture
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Joined: 10/03/2004 - 09:00

Quote:Originally posted by nicolimom:
[b] Seriously, my 'friend' isn't the type to give her kids something else for lunch, she says her kids wouldn't eat unless its peanut butter.
Is a friendship like this worth the effort? My son does like these kids a lot....
TIA [/b]
In my book, not worth the effort. That's just *ME*. There is really no way to reconcile "won't eat anything but peanut butter" and "peanut butter can kill my child." Especially if you know your child reacts so they are obviously getting a lot of residue on them. How long would it go over not to send your child over to her house? Seems like that lopsided arrangement will start to breed resentment after a while.
That's just how I am. I would probably take the attitude: 'not safe' and 'too hard!'

Posted on: Tue, 10/12/2004 - 9:54am
SpudBerry's picture
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Joined: 07/23/2002 - 09:00

Hmmmm..... think, think, think,.......
Could you buy her a jar of sunbutter from [url="http://www.Sunbutter.com?"]www.Sunbutter.com?[/url] It is great stuff - a bit pricey, but really good and kids seem to love it. I usually order 4 jars of the Natural stuff - no Trans Fats, and it costs me about $30. I have to do that about twice per year, then I use it for cooking or eating, snacking, etc.
But you might wrap it up kind of cute & offer it as a gift to your friend, and ask that she try to use it on days that she knows your children will be over there.
Her reaction to that attempt at an olive branch might let you know how much of a friendship you are trying to salvage.
Oh - the regular SunButter isn't as expensive as the Natural jars, so you could order her the cheaper stuff - if she is feeding her kids a bunch of PB, she probably isn't too worried about Trans Fats [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Sherlyn
Mom to 4 year old twins Ben & Mike - one PA & the other not.
Stay Informed And Peanut Free!

Posted on: Wed, 10/13/2004 - 2:35am
bowie1's picture
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Joined: 10/13/2004 - 09:00

I am sorry that you are going through this. We lost a group of friends who told me I was wrong to bring my PA child a safe piece of b'day cake to one of their parties--told me I was selfish and to let one of them "try" to make a safe cake--no thank you. The only way I would know if they succeeded was that my child would not end up in the hospital that day. They did not understand, and refused to invite us to parties and ignored us at any get togethers. Some people are blatantly ignorant and selfish and if it does not affect their lives, they don't want to know about it

Posted on: Wed, 10/13/2004 - 7:56am
Darkmage's picture
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Joined: 10/01/2004 - 09:00

Having to deal with all that goes along with food allergies is hard enough. When you run into people acting like brick walls, you may as well turn and go back. How good a friend can they be if they won't bend a bit?
I am friendly with a lady who lives on the next street. The first time we got our kids together, she offered my son a PB&J sandwich, even tho I had told her about the allergy the day before. She also says her son is allergic to milk, but still feeds him butter! Needless to say, I never leave my son son over there alone. I can't trust that she'll remember.
My son just made his first friend at preschool. We were over at his house a couple of weeks ago for a playdate. His mom had delt with another friend with PA, so she was very aware of the situation and offered to let me read the ingredient lists on snacks before I even asked. I sure hope my son stays friends with that one!
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[i][b]Allergy Patrol Novice[/b][/i]

Posted on: Wed, 10/13/2004 - 8:21am
Mom2Sariah's picture
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Joined: 12/14/2003 - 09:00

I lost a friend of 10yrs over my dd's PA. It was this last March. I'll find my post for you to read it.
About your situation. It's just NOT safe! All the reactions that have happend already should tell you not to send him over there. My dd is extremely contact sensitive too and the stress is just overwhelming with the PA plus the contact sensitivity is enough to deal with. There ARE people out there that are more then willing to keep your child safe. Have the friend over and take them to wash their hands or don't have anything to do with them. That's my honest feeling to it.
The "my kids wouldn't eat unless its peanut butter." is severe CRAP! Is that really the kind of attitude you want from a "friend"? Ask yourself if you are better off with or without this family? Is it more stress then it's worth? Some people just can't deal with allergies properly in my opinion.
Whatever you do...think of YOUR families needs first....and do what is best for YOUR famiy! I wish you well!
Cindy
(Edited to change month in first paragraph.)
[This message has been edited by Mom2Sariah (edited October 13, 2004).]

Posted on: Wed, 10/13/2004 - 8:28am
Mom2Sariah's picture
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Joined: 12/14/2003 - 09:00

Here is the link to my story plus other's stories too.
[url="http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum3/HTML/001274.html"]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum3/HTML/001274.html[/url]
Cindy

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