I`m just trying to figure out if there is any way to make this safe for dd. She is 11 1/2 and in 6th grade. She is very responsible, so that isn`t the issue. She just started middle school last month. Because she is in a gifted magnet, the school draws from a large area and she has made new friends. One of her new friends who lives 40 minutes away has invited her to a Halloween party. There will be a party and the kids will go trick or treating. Dd wants to go, but I don`t see how we can make this safe for dd. There will be about 10 girls, and probably some will be kids who don`t go to dd`s school and who don`t know her. It seems like while trick or treating, chances are very high that the kids will be eating their candy, about half of which has peanuts, and I can picture them touching dd or just being around dd and she will have to keep her distance because they are eating peanut candy. I don`t see how we can ask that 10 girls (most of whom we don`t know) not eat their candy while trick or treating. Is there any way to make this safe for dd? Last year dd had her two best friends over for Halloween and it was no problem to ask them not to eat their candy while trick or treating because they were her two best friends, eat at the peanut free table with her every day, etc. This is different. The girl who invited her is not a close friend and I am not even sure that she knows about the pa. She and dd do not eat lunch together. Is there any way at all to make this safe? Dd really wants to go and I hate to make her miss out on the fun. My going along is not an option at age 11. No one has their mother there by this age. And the party is 40 minutes away, so that if dd were uncomfortable or felt unsafe and called me to come get her, it would take a long time for me to get there. What would you do?
Halloween party---should I let her go?
Posted on: Wed, 10/25/2006 - 1:25am
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This is tough. I would want to...but couldn't. My PA dd is 10 and I see her wanting more independence but the risk factor is so high on Halloween with all the pn candy!! Is there a way you could stay at the house at least so you wouldn't be 40 minutes away? I realize she wouldn't want you to trick or treat with them. Will any adult be going with them?
I guess I am going to be "that" mom because truthfully I can't even fathom letting my dd trick or treat in the neighborhood over without me!! Even if I told DD not to eat ANYTHING, her friends probobly would and then I have to worry who's touching what. So- IMO, I would have to say no unless I could be closer or have an adult with her who was just as aware as I am. But it would still break my heart to see my dd's disappointment if she couldn't go.
Carefulmom I would let your daughter handle this one. She can discuss with the girls before they leave for trick or treating to please not eat any of their candies until they get back to the house. Then they can see which ones are the peanut candies and eat the non peanut ones.
Trick or treating is mostly in the dark anyway so it's extra dangerous to eat outside while going door to door.
I'll bet your daughter can handle this really well. Why don't you practice role playing with her to help her develop the best script for how she presents it to the other girls.
I assume a parent is going to accompany them. I'd make sure that parent has a cell phone and maybe it is time for your DD to have one too.
Peg
I really agree with letting your daughter have a say in how things are managed here. After all, it's her allergy, and if not 11, then when? She must know at this point in her life that she's sensitive to contact allergens, correct? You're lucky in that they're girls - the boys at this age are still throwing food and have been must less cooperative with this sort of thing in my experience.
If you make a "contract" with her that's the condition on her going, I think you'll be fine. Have her take a pack of baby wipes and asks her friends to clean up if they do eat peanut candy when they get back. Give her a cell phone to call you if there's a problem so you both feel better. Specify that she must eat only safe foods at the party. Have her commit to carrying her medicines. Give the hostess your contact information and an information sheet.
I wouldn't stay at the party itself because you're right - it's the social kiss of death at 11 - but given your level of concern and the fact that it sounds like she hasn't dealt with much of this up til now, you might stay at a Starbucks during the course of the party. You'll feel better and she might too, even though she won't admit it.
Maybe you can provide each girl with a Halloween baggie of safe candy they can eat while trick or treating. Let your daughter choose the candy and make the little baggies.
Peg
You know, if you are 40 minutes away, maybe other parents of guests are going to be that far away too. I think you might want to talk to the parent of the girl giving the party, they may just be anticipating that parents will be there. I know that if I invited someone who lived 40 minutes away, I woulnd't expect their parent to drive home for 40 minutes, to then come back later, driving again for 40 minutes -- and then drive home again. That is a lot to expect I think.
And 11 is a bit older than elementary school, but I don't think that parents being around means certain death to a party for that age. They aren't teenagers yet.
My son is 11 and he would be horrified if I asked to stay at a party. That's why I suggested Starbucks...I have camped there in the past in just this situation! ;o)
Yes, I agree... 11 seems too old to be very "cool" with mom hanging around. Starbucks it is... [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
I also think that if you enlist the other mom in your plan, you COULD make this workable even without FA being a big issue. We always were given the hard and FAST rule that we couldn't eat ANYTHING that was handed out until after we got home. Period. So goody-bags for snacks might not need to be about yoru DD's allergies at all, so much as safety for everyone.
Even as dangerous as it sounds (and I'd be biting my nails too) I think you have to let her do it-- it sounds like it [i]really[/i] means a lot to her. And I think this first time, I'd do whatever I could to make both her FA [i]and myself[/i] pretty much invisible. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
And order decaf. Nerves will be bad enough without the caffeine, right? [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]
Hmmmmmm, I guess there is a difference between 11 and in middle school compared to 11 and in elementary school. I am sure she would be mortified if I went to the party and I really doubt that any other parents will be there at this age. They may all be sitting at Starbucks if they live far away, but they won`t be hanging out at the party! She already carries her cell phone and epi and won`t be eating any of the food at the party unless it is sealed with ingredients (like a bag of Fritos). I guess I really have a problem with either me or dd having to ask 10 girls,, some of whom we don`t know, not to eat their candy because of dd. Kids always eat while they trick or treat. By this age, they would know not to eat something without a wrapper due to safety reasons, but around here everything is store bought and wrapped. People don`t pass out homemade cookies or anything like that. I am sure a parent will be with them---this is Los Angeles. I just feel like it would be awkward to ask these 10 girls not to eat their candy. Bringing our own trick or treat bags for all 10 girls I just feel like we would be taking over the party and I don`t feel I know the girl or her mom well enough to do that.
Quote:Originally posted by krc:
[b]Even if I told DD not to eat ANYTHING, her friends probobly would and then I have to worry who's touching what.[/b]
Exactly. I feel this is much higher risk than a birthday party where I can discuss with the parent exactly what will be served.
I don't have a kid with a contact allergy so I fully admit I don't understand this stuff at all...but is it realistic to think that kids around your daughter are going to always eat safe foods?
This is only going to get tougher. At 12, my niece started going to movies alone with her gang of friends. What about school dances or football games where there are food concessions with peanut candy? It's all part of jr. high.
At some point, your daughter is going to have to co-exist with people who are contaminated with peanuts. They are probably all around her now. Her teacher may have had peanut butter for lunch and then graded her paper. The kids at the party may have eaten a peanut butter snack before they showed up. I'm just not sure trying to control what other people eat is a practical way to manage the situation. Perhaps it would be better to teach your daughter to avoid the "questionable" contacts she can and to be ready for a reaction if it occurs when she can't.
I'm going through the exact same letting go process as you are right now, so I do understand where you're coming from. I've huddled in a Starbucks during parties and I've cried copious tears...but I've still let him go. I don't want him to be so afraid of death that he misses out on life.
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