friend send pb and j over


ok here is what happened. a few days ago a friend that i have known for 2 years called and asked if i could watch her kids. she is 37 or so weeks pregnant and having contractions. i said sure bring them over but that i have very little snack foods so she might want to send some crackers. she went a head and packed them a lunch... guess what it was. her kids knew what it was cause not long after they got here they started asking for their sandwiches. her son is pretty picky.. that is why i mentioned the snacks cause he wont typically eat the kinds of things we have for snacks (apples, grapes, etc). i am sure she just forgot. anyway since her son was so set on his sandwiche and I didnt want a scene I put them out on the porch and explained we would have to wash up well before coming back in. my older son ate out there with them but my younger son ate in the living room. i explained it to him and he was fine. i explained to the 5 year old why we would have to wash up. he said something like "i dont think that is true" about the allergies but I heard my 4 year old giving him a lecture about it and i got full cooperation. I am not really sure if I should say anything. Or just next time they are coming over remind her. I dont want her to feel bad but I also really dont want the stuff in my house.

------------------ Lalow James 4 yrs, NKA Ben 3 yrs, PA and MA and SA

On Aug 4, 2006

Personally? I think it was rude... and I'll bet she didn't "forget" so much as just figure it didn't [i]really[/i] matter... and rationalize it by thinking to herself that she's incredibly stressed out and she wanted her kids to have what they like.

This is why we have a "no outside food" rule at my house. I'll try to accomodate food preferences, but nobody brings their own snacks. If kids don't like it, they are hardly going to starve in the space of a few hours.

Don't know what to tell you, but I would have been awfully mad at her for pulling such a stunt. You do [i]her[/i] a favor and she returns it by sending a death warrant into your home for your child? Without telling you what was in those lunch sacks, too, hmmmm. I mean, really- if she knows you well, then I can't imagine seeing your younger son wouldn't have very forcefully reminded her such that she would blanch and tell you her error. Unless she's incredibly self-absorbed, in which case you should probably expect more of the same. And where exactly, does a 5 yo get the notion that allergies don't matter in the first place? That's right-- from mom and dad. I'd ask her some questions about that particular part of things. It sounds like it is at least possible this was a deliberately selfish act on her part, complete with some sort of discussion of how neurotic your family is about PA.

Sorry that this happened. Especially since you were trying to be nice.


On Aug 4, 2006

I agree with the above. The PB sandwich was blatant, had she missed some obscure derivative of peanut on a pack of crackers I might be more forgiving, but outright PB, it's inexcusable.

On Aug 4, 2006

I think that sometimes friends deserve the benefit of the doubt. If she's in labor, maybe she's nervous and just not thinking. Remind her next time. If she's a friend, she'll take it fine. If she's not a true friend, then you'll find out soon enough. Anyone can make any mistake if they are stressed out enough. You never know -- maybe those were sandwiches she packed earlier in the day and just grabbed them, not remembering what was in them.

On the other hand, if she's done this often, then maybe I'd be angry. But there's nothing wrong with reminding a friend about what the rules are in your house.

[This message has been edited by mama2sym (edited August 04, 2006).]

On Aug 4, 2006

I know I couldn't think straight when I had contractions, so I would cut her some slack...maybe mention it, after she has the baby.

From my experience, people who don't live with LTFAs often don't really think about it or "get it" until they hear it a few times or hear a from the heart story of how the allergy affects your life. I have found after repeating things, people get it or at least try to get it!

I would cut her some slack.

------------------ mom to Ari(6) - severe nut allergies, asthma, you name it - and Maya (9), mild excema

On Aug 4, 2006

the negativity in me is speaking, but i think kids repeat things they hear. i wouldn't be surprised if mother had said to child, while packing the sandwiches, "i really shouldn't be sending these over there because she'll get mad but i don't think the peanut allergy is real" or something to that effect. sorry...that's just me thinking out loud...and i'm probably being negative. i've just had too many people in the past act like i make up the PA thing for drama. really ticks me off.

it could have been a total oversight on her part, esp. given her situation and stress. however, i would not have served the sandwiches out of concern for your child, respect for you household rules and to make a point. it would have been the perfect way to explain it to your friend later. ex: while handing back the bag full of sandwiches, say " sorry...i guess you forgot about our PA issues and that we don't have it in our house for safety purposes. i served cheese sandwiches (or whatever else you could have come up with...surely there was something in the house that would have held the child over til he/she could get home to devour those sandwiches).

maybe your friend would have been annoyed that you didn't let her child have the sandwiches but there's the chance she would have said, "oh my sorry...i totally forgot in my rush to get things ready, etc..." either way, you would have politely made your point and shown that it isn't allowed in your house under any circumstances.

having said all that, i do have to say that after 10 years of dealing with PA, i am much better equipped to handle situations like this. early on, i found myself allowing things i was uncomfortable about just because i felt such guilt inconveniencing other people or out of fear of hurting someone's feelings. i don't let it get to me anymore. no pb in my house. that's just the way it is. i dont' find it hard to apologize for that anymore but i did have trouble with it at one time.

On Aug 5, 2006


People tend to think that we go overboard with the protection of our children. They truly dont' understand. I think if her child made a comment that she thinks of the allergy as no big thing and has made comments in front of her child.

I will try to give her the benefit of the doubt as well, knowing that she knows your policy on foods in your home. Maybe she didn't have much in the way of food either for the children.

I would mention to her as a reminder, that the children had to eat outside, in order to keep your pa child safe, and that he missed out on the opportunity of eating with your children becuase of his deadly allergic allergy. Maybe just a suddle hit that strict avoidance is always best.


On Aug 5, 2006

I think you handled it perfectly. I would mention it the next time the kids come over though.

I've had people bring things over that they shouldn't have as well. My first reaction was being hurt and offended, but when I thought about the other things going on in their lives at the time, I realized they have way more on their minds than [i]my[/i] problems, LOL. I'd assume the same here.

The comment that her child made may be telling, however. That's why I'd be sure to mention it the next time they come over and if it happens again, well, the kids wouldn't be coming over anymore. At least not until they are willing to eat what's in [b]your[/b] house. [img][/img]


[This message has been edited by Going Nuts (edited August 05, 2006).]

On Aug 5, 2006

I would not have served it, as you are then conveying that the pa really isn`t that serious. You don`t want pb in your house, but if she ignores that and sends it anyway, you will serve it. I think actions speak louder than words, and even if you say something if you serve it, she will do it again. I also think she knew what she was doing. It wasn`t like she sent something that was a may contain that you would only figure out if you lived with pa. Everyone knows that pb has peanuts. I know you served it outside and everyone washed up, but all it takes is her child sticking his fingers in his mouth one time (which kids do all the time anyhow) and then you have pb residue on what he touched in your house.

I would have offerred several snacks to the child and that`s it. If he chooses not to eat them, then that is his choice. It is not like you are starving him. You are givng him the choice to eat or not eat. If he chooses not to eat, that is hardly your responsibility.

This actually happened to us five or six years ago. I did not serve the pb, offerred the child some kid friendly foods which she refused, and the mom never sent pb again.

[This message has been edited by Carefulmom (edited August 05, 2006).]

On Aug 5, 2006

Hi All, I had a similar experience but in reverse. Our family was invited to a GOOD friend's house for a superbowl party. I reminded her beforehand that when I got there I would need to do a "nut check". When we got there I started looking around and she said that there was no food with nuts but she did order a pb&j tray because "it was easy". At that point I began to get upset. My son was already playing in the bouncehouse with all the kids. I just told him to be really careful and wash his hands often. Believe me, she had so much food--all others safe that she did not need the pb&j. By the way, she also had snacks with nuts out on the tables. Alex knows not to eat those but I'm sure there was plenty of crosscontamination with all the other snacks. In short, he did have a mild rx when we got home--I have him a breathing tx and Zyrtec. All was fine except I have such anger in me that our relationship has never been the same and this was 6 months ago. I told her I wanted to talk to her about something that was bothering me but we just never got together. What would you all have done. I'm sure many of you would have left the party. Would you still try and talk to this woman about what happened and try to resume friendship? Btw, Alex is 9 years old and I didn't want to upset him in front of his friends by leaving. Beth

On Aug 5, 2006

lalow, I'm so sorry this happened.

Personally, I wouldn't have served the pb sandwiches. But I think how you did it was excellent.

I really am all for giving people "the benefit of the doubt" and given what she's going through right now, I would.

Really agree with Going Nuts' post. [img][/img]

Again, I give you incredible kudos for being able to serve the sandwiches period - I would have freaked!

Best wishes! [img][/img]

------------------ If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk up to heaven and bring you back home with me.

On Aug 5, 2006

Like bouncy houses are ever going to really be safe anyway--but we do them. I know what you mean by leaving with friends there. I think it is harder for them as they get older (DS is 8).

I might have stayed for a little while and let him bounce--especially if it was before anyone had eaten--and then left while folks were eating, explaining that it wasn't safe for DS to be there.

DS eats at school at a peanut free table that's adjacent to the regular tables, but the school doesn't serve PB, so there's a buffer. He gets asthma as an airborne reaction--and hives from being in a Southwest Airlines plane for one hour that's a peanut free flight.

So, given his history, I wouldn't feel comfortable with his playing with the other kids after they've eaten PBJ sandwiches, and I'd let the hostess know that in the nicest way possible--but matter of factly.

It's hard. That's true.

I've been to a party before where I've moved the peanuts to a higher place so that folks aren't snacking on them and they aren't near DS. I said, "If you don't mind, I'll just move these over hear so they don't endanger XXX." I gave her a side hug and a wink. And all was fine. She's older than I am. And we get along. But that was my situation.

On Aug 5, 2006

Uhm, doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. Most of my friends are terrified of accidentally killing my son and on the few occassions we do go somewhere for a visit they do a clean sweep and don't allow their children to eat anything my kid's are allergic to.

I'm sorry, but I never would have let a child eat PB anywhere in my house, patio or yard. I'd be terrified of crumbs, traces, etc. I don't let any of the neighborhood kids in my yard with any food unless it's something my kids can eat too (and this isn't much). You're braver than me.


On Aug 5, 2006


Originally posted by McCobbre: [b]Like bouncy houses are ever going to really be safe anyway--but we do them. [/b]

Have you ever seen the spiders in those things!!! [img][/img]

Anyway, I think you did well for the situation...I would not have served it, but you did an excellent job in the last minute situation. I'm the same way as for as a no food rule in our house. Some people scoff, but it's not them that has to deal with the reaction afterward.

Now that being normally good MIL is having a party for one of her daughters (DH's stepsister) this coming weekend and the menu is all out seafood. I explained that Aidan and jenna would not be attending and she was tiffed, but I could care less. She suggested they stay in the back room with a sitter. NO! they will not. My mom can keep them at her house and we will attend. I don't expect that every event be "Aidan Safe", but I do reserve the right to allow my child to go places that are safe/unsafe! You want him there...amend the menu!

Take care, mandi

On Aug 5, 2006

thanks for all the replies. if it ever happens again i am not going to serve them. i did this time but after helping the kids i realized I had forgotten how much of a mess the stuff is. then i ended up with some on my hands and had to come and wash it off and they were wanting to reach in the box of crackers... it worked out ok but I think I would not have served them if I had to do it again. i dont know if she just forgot or what. just a few days before we had gone to chucky cheese for her sons b'day and she heard me calming my son down cause someone offered him a piece of pizza (milk allergy- (he is fine if left alone but will cry if offered something he cant have even though he doesnt want it). It must have slipped her mind. Our kids used to play together alot more than they do now.. and with her ds starting school this year and mine not I imagine we will see even less of each other anyway. she doesnt often say much about the food allergies to me but a few times she has said stuff like, "i bet he has outgrown it by now" cause I told her he hasnt been tested since he was 18 months and is 3 1/2. I dont know but am not letting it bother me really.

------------------ Lalow James 4 yrs, NKA Ben 3 yrs, PA and MA and SA

On Aug 5, 2006


Originally posted by lalow: [b] she doesnt often say much about the food allergies to me but a few times she has said stuff like, "i bet he has outgrown it by now" cause I told her he hasnt been tested since he was 18 months and is 3 1/2. I dont know but am not letting it bother me really.


You know, I'm absolutely amazed at how much a recent test gives validity to my son's allergy to others. I'm not saying it gives validity and that's a good thing. But to others, it seems to matter. They want him to have grown out of it because it will make them feel better. They won't have to deal with it and can check it off their list.

I notice how many people ask me when the last time was I got DS tested, and when I say within the last 12 months and he's still the same class, they go, "Oh." It goes hand in hand with the "will he ever outgrow it" question, which I always take as a genuine question in my son's best interest--one of concern. But the other one seems borne from doubt that he has PA. I don't like it one bit.

But the fact that I have had him tested recently seems to prove to them that he has it.

Not that this justifies that attitude--or necessitates getting tested frequently. Not at all. It's just something I've noticed, and your friend's remark reminded me--and got under my skin. Grrrr.

On Aug 5, 2006


Originally posted by mama2aidan: [b]

I don't expect that every event be "Aidan Safe", but I do reserve the right to allow my child to go places that are safe/unsafe! You want him there...amend the menu!

Take care, mandi


You go girl.

[This message has been edited by McCobbre (edited August 05, 2006).]

On Aug 5, 2006

one thing's for sure, having PA somewhere in the family makes one find out pretty quick which friends are devoted friends and which are not.