friend send pb and j over

Posted on: Fri, 08/04/2006 - 12:31pm
lalow's picture
Joined: 03/24/2004 - 09:00

ok here is what happened. a few days ago a friend that i have known for 2 years called and asked if i could watch her kids. she is 37 or so weeks pregnant and having contractions. i said sure bring them over but that i have very little snack foods so she might want to send some crackers. she went a head and packed them a lunch... guess what it was. her kids knew what it was cause not long after they got here they started asking for their sandwiches. her son is pretty picky.. that is why i mentioned the snacks cause he wont typically eat the kinds of things we have for snacks (apples, grapes, etc). i am sure she just forgot. anyway since her son was so set on his sandwiche and I didnt want a scene I put them out on the porch and explained we would have to wash up well before coming back in. my older son ate out there with them but my younger son ate in the living room. i explained it to him and he was fine. i explained to the 5 year old why we would have to wash up. he said something like "i dont think that is true" about the allergies but I heard my 4 year old giving him a lecture about it and i got full cooperation. I am not really sure if I should say anything. Or just next time they are coming over remind her. I dont want her to feel bad but I also really dont want the stuff in my house.

James 4 yrs, NKA
Ben 3 yrs, PA and MA and SA

Posted on: Fri, 08/04/2006 - 1:13pm
Corvallis Mom's picture
Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Personally? I think it was rude... and I'll bet she didn't "forget" so much as just figure it didn't [i]really[/i] matter... and rationalize it by thinking to herself that she's incredibly stressed out and she wanted her kids to have what they like.
This is why we have a "no outside food" rule at my house. I'll try to accomodate food preferences, but nobody brings their own snacks. If kids don't like it, they are hardly going to starve in the space of a few hours.
Don't know what to tell you, but I would have been awfully mad at her for pulling such a stunt. You do [i]her[/i] a favor and she returns it by sending a death warrant into your home for your child? Without telling you what was in those lunch sacks, too, hmmmm. I mean, really- if she knows you well, then I can't imagine seeing your younger son wouldn't have very forcefully reminded her such that she would blanch and tell you her error. Unless she's incredibly self-absorbed, in which case you should probably expect more of the same. And where exactly, does a 5 yo get the notion that allergies don't matter in the first place? That's right-- from mom and dad. I'd ask her some questions about that particular part of things. It sounds like it is at least possible this was a deliberately selfish act on her part, complete with some sort of discussion of how neurotic your family is about PA.
Sorry that this happened. Especially since you were trying to be nice.

Posted on: Fri, 08/04/2006 - 1:21pm
anonymous's picture
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I agree with the above. The PB sandwich was blatant, had she missed some obscure derivative of peanut on a pack of crackers I might be more forgiving, but outright PB, it's inexcusable.

Posted on: Fri, 08/04/2006 - 1:41pm
mama2sym's picture
Joined: 04/19/2006 - 09:00

I think that sometimes friends deserve the benefit of the doubt. If she's in labor, maybe she's nervous and just not thinking. Remind her next time. If she's a friend, she'll take it fine. If she's not a true friend, then you'll find out soon enough. Anyone can make any mistake if they are stressed out enough. You never know -- maybe those were sandwiches she packed earlier in the day and just grabbed them, not remembering what was in them.
On the other hand, if she's done this often, then maybe I'd be angry. But there's nothing wrong with reminding a friend about what the rules are in your house.
[This message has been edited by mama2sym (edited August 04, 2006).]

Posted on: Fri, 08/04/2006 - 1:44pm
anonymous's picture
Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

I know I couldn't think straight when I had contractions, so I would cut her some slack...maybe mention it, after she has the baby.
From my experience, people who don't live with LTFAs often don't really think about it or "get it" until they hear it a few times or hear a from the heart story of how the allergy affects your life. I have found after repeating things, people get it or at least try to get it!
I would cut her some slack.
mom to Ari(6) - severe nut allergies, asthma, you name it - and Maya (9), mild excema

Posted on: Fri, 08/04/2006 - 2:51pm
joeybeth's picture
Joined: 09/01/2006 - 09:00

the negativity in me is speaking, but i think kids repeat things they hear. i wouldn't be surprised if mother had said to child, while packing the sandwiches, "i really shouldn't be sending these over there because she'll get mad but i don't think the peanut allergy is real" or something to that effect. sorry...that's just me thinking out loud...and i'm probably being negative. i've just had too many people in the past act like i make up the PA thing for drama. really ticks me off.
it could have been a total oversight on her part, esp. given her situation and stress. however, i would not have served the sandwiches out of concern for your child, respect for you household rules and to make a point. it would have been the perfect way to explain it to your friend later. ex: while handing back the bag full of sandwiches, say " sorry...i guess you forgot about our PA issues and that we don't have it in our house for safety purposes. i served cheese sandwiches (or whatever else you could have come up with...surely there was something in the house that would have held the child over til he/she could get home to devour those sandwiches).
maybe your friend would have been annoyed that you didn't let her child have the sandwiches but there's the chance she would have said, "oh my sorry...i totally forgot in my rush to get things ready, etc..." either way, you would have politely made your point and shown that it isn't allowed in your house under any circumstances.
having said all that, i do have to say that after 10 years of dealing with PA, i am much better equipped to handle situations like this. early on, i found myself allowing things i was uncomfortable about just because i felt such guilt inconveniencing other people or out of fear of hurting someone's feelings. i don't let it get to me anymore. no pb in my house. that's just the way it is. i dont' find it hard to apologize for that anymore but i did have trouble with it at one time.

Posted on: Fri, 08/04/2006 - 7:50pm
Renee111064's picture
Joined: 07/05/2001 - 09:00

People tend to think that we go overboard with the protection of our children. They truly dont' understand. I think if her child made a comment that she thinks of the allergy as no big thing and has made comments in front of her child.
I will try to give her the benefit of the doubt as well, knowing that she knows your policy on foods in your home. Maybe she didn't have much in the way of food either for the children.
I would mention to her as a reminder, that the children had to eat outside, in order to keep your pa child safe, and that he missed out on the opportunity of eating with your children becuase of his deadly allergic allergy. Maybe just a suddle hit that strict avoidance is always best.

Posted on: Fri, 08/04/2006 - 10:53pm
Going Nuts's picture
Joined: 10/04/2001 - 09:00

I think you handled it perfectly. I would mention it the next time the kids come over though.
I've had people bring things over that they shouldn't have as well. My first reaction was being hurt and offended, but when I thought about the other things going on in their lives at the time, I realized they have way more on their minds than [i]my[/i] problems, LOL. I'd assume the same here.
The comment that her child made may be telling, however. That's why I'd be sure to mention it the next time they come over and if it happens again, well, the kids wouldn't be coming over anymore. At least not until they are willing to eat what's in [b]your[/b] house. [img][/img]
[This message has been edited by Going Nuts (edited August 05, 2006).]

Posted on: Fri, 08/04/2006 - 11:35pm
Carefulmom's picture
Joined: 01/03/2002 - 09:00

I would not have served it, as you are then conveying that the pa really isn`t that serious. You don`t want pb in your house, but if she ignores that and sends it anyway, you will serve it. I think actions speak louder than words, and even if you say something if you serve it, she will do it again. I also think she knew what she was doing. It wasn`t like she sent something that was a may contain that you would only figure out if you lived with pa. Everyone knows that pb has peanuts. I know you served it outside and everyone washed up, but all it takes is her child sticking his fingers in his mouth one time (which kids do all the time anyhow) and then you have pb residue on what he touched in your house.
I would have offerred several snacks to the child and that`s it. If he chooses not to eat them, then that is his choice. It is not like you are starving him. You are givng him the choice to eat or not eat. If he chooses not to eat, that is hardly your responsibility.
This actually happened to us five or six years ago. I did not serve the pb, offerred the child some kid friendly foods which she refused, and the mom never sent pb again.
[This message has been edited by Carefulmom (edited August 05, 2006).]

Posted on: Sat, 08/05/2006 - 12:30am
Beth V's picture
Joined: 01/15/2000 - 09:00

Hi All,
I had a similar experience but in reverse. Our family was invited to a GOOD friend's house for a superbowl party. I reminded her beforehand that when I got there I would need to do a "nut check". When we got there I started looking around and she said that there was no food with nuts but she did order a pb&j tray because "it was easy". At that point I began to get upset. My son was already playing in the bouncehouse with all the kids. I just told him to be really careful and wash his hands often. Believe me, she had so much food--all others safe that she did not need the pb&j. By the way, she also had snacks with nuts out on the tables. Alex knows not to eat those but I'm sure there was plenty of crosscontamination with all the other snacks. In short, he did have a mild rx when we got home--I have him a breathing tx and Zyrtec. All was fine except I have such anger in me that our relationship has never been the same and this was 6 months ago. I told her I wanted to talk to her about something that was bothering me but we just never got together. What would you all have done. I'm sure many of you would have left the party. Would you still try and talk to this woman about what happened and try to resume friendship? Btw, Alex is 9 years old and I didn't want to upset him in front of his friends by leaving.

Posted on: Sat, 08/05/2006 - 12:53am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

lalow, I'm so sorry this happened.
Personally, I wouldn't have served the pb sandwiches. But I think how you did it was excellent.
I really am all for giving people "the benefit of the doubt" and given what she's going through right now, I would.
Really agree with Going Nuts' post. [img][/img]
Again, I give you incredible kudos for being able to serve the sandwiches period - I would have freaked!
Best wishes! [img][/img]
If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk up to heaven and bring you back home with me.


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