Do you feel guilty?

Posted on: Sun, 01/25/2004 - 11:43pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

This might sound weird (or, maybe not). But, I often feel guilty about my allergies.

When I had to ban peanuts from my home I had two young sons, and one absoultely loved peanut butter - wouldn't eat anything else. Mommy-guilt is hard to swallow.

This weekend dh went out to do the shopping. He went to a different store and bought this pre-packaged dinner that is fine from our regular store, but at this place is made with sesame oil, and he didn't notice it in the ingredient list. I felt guilty telling him.

We are going away for a weekend, and couldn't find a room with a fridge and microwave or stove. (Well, we found one, but it's in a strip bar. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img] ) So, we're stuck eating cold meals, because I can't eat in the restaurants. Again, [i]my[/i] fault.

Now, dh is great. He doesn't do anything to make me feel guilty, but yet, I do.

Anyone else go through this? Or is it just me?

Posted on: Sun, 01/25/2004 - 11:58pm
Nick's picture
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Joined: 11/01/2000 - 09:00

AnnaMarie ... yes, SHWSSBO makes a "thing" about it : that we "never go anywhere because of your problem" ... OR, she goes the other way and when I say "how am I going to survive w/o food all weekend?", she says... "there'll be SOMEWHERE you can eat, I'm sure", or "take a sandwich with you" [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
She's completely useless at reading warnings & ingredients, so it's just as well *I* am the chef / label-reader!!. If I don't scrutinise everything coming off the shelves in the supermarket, I have to put back about 25%!
Doh!!

Posted on: Mon, 01/26/2004 - 1:01am
Peg541's picture
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Joined: 12/29/2002 - 09:00

AnnaMarie,
Go ahead and feel guilty but it is a useless emotion.
Think of the millions of things you do for your family every single day, the innate little things that ONLY you think about. Think of how much it would cost them to replace you with a cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, and lover if you left.
You are indespensible and your little glitch of food allergies is just that, a glitch.
"In for a penny, in for a pound" Your family loves and needs you even if you require certain accomodations to [b]STAY ALIVE ![/b]And I am certain if you were to ask them they would give up peanuts and sesame seeds forever to keep you around.
Peggy

Posted on: Mon, 01/26/2004 - 2:56am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Actually Peg, my family does not make me feel guilty. They don't complain about no peanuts and sesame seeds in the house. And dh rarely complains about not going out to restaurants. When he does, it's a complaint against the restaurants, not against me. Most talk around here about my allergies is humourous and sarcastic, but always good-natured and not viscious.
And, usually dh is really good about label-reading. Whenever it's something new he'll get me to double check it, but he rarely misses. And, whenever he finds something that says "produced in a peanut-free facility" or a Nestle product with no allergy alert, he buys it. And he finds that stuff more often than me.
My guilt is strictly coming from inside me. I [i]think[/i] it might be comparable to parents feeling guilty that their child is pa, even though it is in no way their fault.
Strange, I feel guiltier about dh than the kids though. Two of them are old enough to move out if they felt things were to tough here, and they are showing no signs of ever moving out. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] And the youngest, he doesn't miss what he never had. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Nick, have you changed the letters in SHWSSBO? That 'H' is really confusing me.
Thank you both for your posts.

Posted on: Mon, 01/26/2004 - 4:55am
Nick's picture
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Joined: 11/01/2000 - 09:00

Sorry, "AM", it was my mistake! It is "SWTSSBO", as always!! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]

Posted on: Mon, 01/26/2004 - 5:53am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img] Nick, thanks for clarifying. I get confused very easily. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/redface.gif[/img]

Posted on: Mon, 01/26/2004 - 10:44pm
Gwen Thornberry's picture
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Joined: 10/14/1999 - 09:00

I know exactly what you mean, AnnaMarie. If I'm asked out to a restaurant (either by work colleagues or partner

Posted on: Mon, 01/26/2004 - 11:34pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

YES YES YES!!! You've described it perfectly Gwen.
For years dh wouldn't go out with his friends/co-workers. They always got together twice a year; a Christmas party at one employees home, and a weekend at anothers summer cottage.
The woman throwing the Christmas party decided to make it *safe* for me one year. I freaked. It was a pot-luck, and everyone always enjoyed it. But, expecting everyone to be careful for me - honestly I wouldn't have eaten anything anyway.
Finally, I agreed to attend after the dinner, if she would just let everyone bring what they wanted. I didn't really enjoy it anyway. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] But not because of food.
It was very hard to convince dh that if he wanted to go - he could go. Even now, it's like he feels guilty for eating when I can't, which makes me feel guilty because he DOES love to eat - and he's not enjoying it because of me.
*******
I know this is OT, but when you referred to *flat* I checked your profile and noticed you're from Ireland. (FIL is from there.) My sister has gone over there a few times, and says it's one of the two most beautiful places in the world. The other (of course) being Prince Edward Island. She says they look very similar - green like nowhere else. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Tue, 01/27/2004 - 2:14pm
erl's picture
erl
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Joined: 10/06/2001 - 09:00

I am so glad you brought this up. I had three reactions in November which required epi, two were airborne reactions. This really redefined my comfort zones and has affected my life and my family's in many ways.
I do feel guilty about making new/more vigorous impositions on people at work, at my kids' school, at our place of worship, at social events. It seems different asking people to make a change not so I can eat the food but just so I can be in the room (and in all likelihood not eat the food). As ridiculous as this may seem, I feel guilty about leaving functions when I become ill. I have had 4 minor (Benadryl) airborne reactions in the last 4 days- leaving my son's classroom, my work, a synagouge meeting, and a friend's 40th birthday party.
I also feel guilty/sad/frustrated at not being able to enjoy restaurants together with my family. I need to think twice and do some extra footwork talking to people who know little about this condition before going to things I used to go to without worry (sports events, comedy club, airplanes etc).
My DH is very supportive and encourages me to fully explain "anaphylaxis" as opposed to food allergy. Honestly it is a bit draining to frequently explain the severity of it.

Posted on: Wed, 01/28/2004 - 1:57am
Peg541's picture
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Joined: 12/29/2002 - 09:00

I have lived in this family for 23 years now and guilt is their main emotion. We are guilted into everything they want, never just right out asked, but guilted into it.
I have enough of guilt and I constantly quiz my husband that when his mother is gone I NEVER want to hear ONE WORD of guilt from him. He agrees, he's sick of it too.
If your families love you they will do whatever is necessary to keep you around. If your friends value you they will also. They will do it gladly with love in their hearts.
I hate GUILT. I hate the time it wastes inside my head and I banished it forever from my life.
Surround yourselves with those that love and value you and can live with your PA without guilt.
I mean to sound annoyed because this makes me crazy. You are worth any effort others take to help keep you safe.
Peggy

Posted on: Wed, 01/28/2004 - 12:16pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Peggy, you're missing the point.
My family willingly gives up anything required. They are not doing or saying anything to make me feel guilty.
And sometimes that just makes me feel worse. A mother is SUPPOSED to give things up for her child. A child is not supposed to have to give things up for his mom.
It's not about peanut butter. And it's not about peanuts.
In a few years my son will probably be getting married. I [b]know[/b] that both he and his girlfriend would be willing to do [b]anything[/b] for me to be able to sit down and eat their wedding dinner. But it is not possible. They would do anything possible out of [b]love[/b]. Not out of some weird *you're gonna owe me big time* thing. ([i]If peanut was the only problem it might be workable - but not sesame seeds[/i])
The guilt is internal, not external.
And erl, (which, btw, I am pronouncing like the name - with earl) I'm fortunate that I do not have airborne reactions. I have, on a few occasions, left a place because of odours that were making me uncomfortable (once may have caused a reaction), but, it wasn't anyplace important. I am very sorry that you are having to go through this. It must be very difficult. I'm glad you have a supportive husband though.

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