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Posted on: Sat, 01/04/2003 - 10:10am
Claire's picture
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Joined: 04/19/2000 - 09:00

YOU know that I don't care how old My son is,and even if he didn't have the allergy thing going on I would still hate the sending him off to college part of mothering. How many of us as honest people held our babies in our arms the minuter they were born,and thought "someday I will send you off to college"? NO not me I looked at my babies and thought WOW this is mine FOREVER!!! Now at 16 I have by no means thought about that day. I will worry about the allergy forever. YES I have prepared him very well,but NO I hate the thought of not being there if he needs me.
It isn't a case of the kids not being ready and mature to go. It is a case of loving our babies so much that we as moms hate saying good by for more than just a birthday party they go to.PEG I just wish your son well. I am sure he will be ok but you as a PA allergic mom if your like myself will worry forever and there really are no ways of me saying Don't worry because it is soo natural for a caring mom to do just that.
I worry when my kids get on the bus everyday. Not because of them but because of what is on the road with them
I do know that there is a college somewhere with a caferteria that contains no nuts in the school. I forget where but i bet we could all search for it. Take care and good luck to your family. claire

Posted on: Sat, 01/04/2003 - 11:27am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Claire, thank heaven you showed up in this thread. You are one of the only people (or the first one that comes to my mind) that has a child around the age of Peg541's son and therefore, I knew you would be able to offer her the most advice. I also know that with your good heart and caring manner Claire, you would be able to settle this thread down (of course, I didn't know you were going to enter it).
Most of us who have posted in response to Peg541's original question weren't able to help her at all. We were able to tell her that we welcomed her presence here on the board and that we looked to her for guidance and information for the future (just as many of us do with you now, Claire). But we weren't able to offer much more than that.
Fortunately, Peg541 thought that what we had to offer was quite okay, even if, with the rare exception, none of us had anything to offer but support.
Peg541, I know you had wanted this thread to stop and I can well understand why. However, I think it's wonderful that Claire did post in the thread and hopefully she was some source of support and information for you. I know that you feel you got that from everyone who posted in the thread, but Claire's son is so close in age to yours, you two might hit it off quite well (I have other reasons for thinking that the two of you might hit it off well also). [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
I'm sorry, but even though Lisa hasn't returned to respond to any of the things that have been written to her especially last outrageous post, I can't seem to let her comments go. It's funny, because when this thread was first brought to my attention, by another thread actually, I had said that no, you don't respond to the nasty person. Just post to the person who asked the question and ignore the nasty one. I can't even follow my own advice [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img]
Sometimes I do think that there are things to be learned from "threads gone bad" although I'm not even clear what. Most men looking at this thread would say, okay, it must be "that time of the month" for a few of them on there right now or this wouldn't be happening [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img]
It seems as though we do go along calmly for quite some time. Then, we'll get hit with a deluge of NAET posters, those strange peanut people that bothered us during the summer months and were removed, or just a series of threads gone bad. Why?
I know what happens a lot of times when threads go bad. We lose valuable members. This was going to be one of my questions probably under Living with PA, but does anyone who has been around for awhile ever wonder what happened to the members that were considered the older members when you were a newbie? I remember Tina H. and her daughter being in stage productions. I remember MKRuby. I remember a whole lot of people and can't figure out what happened to them anymore. Sometimes I have terrible thoughts and think that they don't visit the board anymore because they don't have a PA child anymore.
But, for the most part, people do move on with their lives and may not feel the need for the board, which, to me, is great.
My point about a thread gone bad though is I know many many members, older than myself (not age wise [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] ) who stopped posting once infighting broke out on the board. I had another member contact me a few months ago when things were really problematic here and she was going to stop posting. I literally begged her not to. Why? Because she has valuable information to share with us and we need her here and why lose her because people decided to get nasty with one another?
I'm not saying that I have been completely innocent in threads gone bad. I certainly haven't been. I can be as defensive and bi*chy as the next person. However, I do like to think that while being defensive and bi*chy I still respect other people's comfort zones and also other people's parenting skills.
I went to [url="http://www.dictionary.com"]www.dictionary.com[/url] tonight (can't find my good ole Oxford dictionary anywhere) and looked up the word pity. Here is the definition I got:-
Sympathy and sorrow aroused by the misfortune or suffering of another. To have to take pity on someone is to show compassion for. Pity = compassion, commiseration, sympathy, condolence, and empathy.
So, to Lisa, as far as us perhaps having a pity party here, as far as I can see from that definition, I saw, let the party begin!
[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
That was only one part of your post that I really feel the need to dissect (anyone that doesn't want to read anymore about this stuff, I completely understand, but I'm sorry, Scottish named but Irish blood aboiling here and I am not going to stop until that whole post is dissected).
Also, becca, you were posting at the same time I was last. Where was the thread that you mentioned where Lisa herself had asked for hugs? I'm not going in it to say that I'm not going to hug her. I just wanted to see what I had missed and I guess I'm trying to figure out why, if she originally felt that she wanted and could get cyber hugs from us, what the he** went wrong and so quickly?
This one difference of opinion? I don't think so.
Claire, I really hope Peg541 sees your post.
I valued it, as I value all of your posts - so much hope and inspiration and I see that coming from Peg541 as well. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Sat, 01/04/2003 - 11:42am
becca's picture
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Joined: 05/22/2001 - 09:00

Cindy, look no farther than severa posts down this page for the "girl scouts want my daughter to remain anonymous"...
Here is the first line form that post, "I need to be hugged & reminded that there are caring compassionate people in the world."
'nuff said from me. I think I will bow out of this topic now, though, because I am having a hard time keeping a good attitutde! I can get dragged into the nasties if I feel protective, and I don't really want to do that here(more than I have). becca

Posted on: Sat, 01/04/2003 - 12:06pm
synthia's picture
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Joined: 10/05/2002 - 09:00

Wow
I dont know were to start.
Peg541 Keep up the good work,We can learn a lot from you,Don't stop posting please.
becca and Cindy Good wording.
I was mad,angry,sad and scared.
Then in tears
Love this site
synthia

Posted on: Sat, 01/04/2003 - 12:47pm
katiee's picture
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Joined: 05/09/2001 - 09:00

I have not had a chance to reply to this topic, sick kids again but felt I had to add this.
Lisa, I'm not sure what human rights legislation says elswhere but here in Ontario, Canada, PA IS a "hidden disability (see below) and as such is protected under the Ontario Human Rights Legislation.
Peg, as many have already told you, don't let one negative poster give you the impression that the entire board is as judgemental because, as Cindy and others have already assured you, nothing could be further than the truth. We are all entitled to our opinion but sitting in judgement of others is not the usual way of operating here at PA.COM.
Here is the afore mentioned excerpt from the OHRC on "hidden disabilities":
1.3 NON-EVIDENT DISABILITIES
The nature or degree of certain disabilities might render them "non-evident" to others. Chronic fatigue syndrome and back pain, for example, are not apparent conditions. Other disabilities might remain hidden because they are episodic. Epilepsy is one example. Similarly, environmental sensitivities can flare up from one day to the next, resulting in significant impairment to a person's health and capacity to function, while at other times, this disability may be entirely non-evident. Other examples might include:
* persons whose disabilities do not actually result in any functional limitations but who experience discrimination because others believe their disability makes them less able;
* persons who have recovered from conditions but are treated unfairly because of their past condition, and
* persons whose disabilities are episodic or temporary in nature.
Other disabilities may become apparent based on the nature of the interaction, such as when there is a need for oral communication with an individual who is deaf, or there is a need for written communication with an individual who has a learning disability. A disability might become apparent over time through extended interaction. It might only become known when a disability accommodation is requested or, simply, the disability might remain "non-evident" because the individual chooses not to divulge it for personal reasons.
Regardless of whether a disability is evident or non-evident, a great deal of discrimination faced by persons with disabilities is underpinned by social constructs of "normality" which in turn tend to reinforce obstacles to integration rather than encourage ways to ensure full participation. Because these disabilities are not "seen", many of them are not well understood in society. This can lead to stereotypes, stigma and prejudice.
------------------------------------------------
I also wanted to add what the OHRC had to say about the educators "Duty to
Accomodate"
What are the responsibilities of education providers when a student has a disability?
The Ontario Human Rights Code protects the right to equal treatment in services for persons with disabilities - this includes education services.

Posted on: Sat, 01/04/2003 - 4:33pm
LisaMcDowell's picture
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Joined: 12/06/2002 - 09:00

This issue should be discussed with an adult PA who has healthy management skills on the "Living with PA" discussion board by asking appropriate questions on personal safety measures by the person that owns the PA. This should not be a topic discussed with parents of young PA children who have no experience in this area and that could be caused undue stress &/or fear by it. It also should not be discussed with parents who continually choose to live in turmoil.
This was the responsibility of all PA.com members to help me direct this issue to the proper board. And is still the responsibility of all members to help others find where they need to be to gather the information they need.
A parent should never have to be told to raise their child to be responsible...it is a given. Society has rules and expectations for young adults even those with food allergies. This is/will be a rude awakening for those that live outside the realm of the real world.
As parents, it is our responsibility to learn every aspect of PA to teach our PA child as they grow to maturity how to mainstream into society. Otherwise, a parent is setting up their child for failure when entering, on their own, into a world full of cruelty. It could cause undue pain, confusion, &/or disillusionment (with life). They all must be taught how to work with people properly and efficiently. If he/she has not been educated in these areas, one is likely to make very painful mistakes by expecting that people will be kind and considerate &/or one could possibly cause heartache to themself by trying to impose on the rights of other's by trying to establish peanut free zones improperly, and in places that are open to everyone &/or are public areas, etc., just as we parents should have learned or have learned we cannot do. We live in a world with peanuts, eggs, milk, wheat, eggs and many many other potentially life threatening food allergens. The world is not going to embrace and protect or pity a young PA adult. All that person can do is ask for consideration from others, and spread awareness of PA.
It is natural for a parent(s) to feel separation anxiety when their young adult leaves home, some is due in part to a natural change in the relationship between the two parties. A healthy parent should feel concerned about their young PA adult's safety, and possibly skeptical of their every ability as they try out their new wings, however, they should not continue to try to own the responsibility of the PA or react with fear and overzealous sick behavior.
Believe me, I am absolutely livid at how this young man with a potentially lethal allergy has been raised. And now all that can be done for his best interest is for the parent to accept the harsh reality of their mistake(s), and move on by learning more about PA and spreading awareness for the sake of every PA child and their parent(s).
My concern is with Paul, and always has been. This is a very sad situation that did not need to happen, and because of it, Paul does not have the time for me to sugar coat things for his parent. I just pray that this young man will not have to suffer the consequences of ill preparation for his adulthood. There will always be bumps in the road, but there should not be more than he can handle if he chooses to find on his own or chooses to be guided to available resources such as Peanutallery.com so that he can establish his own support group.
Had it not been for my concern for this young man, and the many contradictions in the carefully written postings as to the true reality of the situation, I would not have bothered to reply to this topic. Personally, I believe everyone should be and should have concerned with Paul, instead wasting his time with unnecessary comments.

Posted on: Sat, 01/04/2003 - 4:47pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

I had started with my last post to dissect the nasty post that was directed at all of us who responded (and actually those members who didn't respond) in this thread. It was my intention to go through the post word for word and dissect the heck out of it.
Then, reason clicked into my brain as will usually happen sometime during a 24 hour span.
First of all, I had be directed to this thread by another thread that was started about whether or not one should reply to nasty posters and I said no, reply to the initial question and ignore the nasty one.
I did not follow my own advice. The tone of Lisa's posts throughout were just so hurtful to me, personally, and they weren't even directed at me, that I felt the need to defend another PA parent.
Secondly, my main New Year's resolution (I don't make any ever) was to start letting go of toxic relationships and also to stop wasting my time and energy on things that I don't have to waste them on and direct my time and energy in ways that benefit my children and I personally (and that, I also hope would mean to continue posting here as I gain great benefit from the insight of the members here, particularly with the difficulties I'm having with Jesse's school and with his recent anaphylactic reaction - also, I hope that I do offer as good as I get here). So, I seriously had to question tonight what the he** I was going to do, for myself (or anyone else for that matter) if I did dissect the post word for word. It would show that I can combat with words fairly well, but what does that mean to anyone?
Thirdly, Peg541 herself, the starter of the thread, asked if the thread could please be stopped. I know that Peg didn't mean stop giving her advice about her original question (of which she got very little once the fight was on, sadly [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img] ), but she wanted the fighting to stop and the negativity to stop.
I respect her request.
Fourthly, if I continue to add to a "thread gone bad" and particularly after I have explained how threads gone bad do drive members from the board, am I not really contributing to that? I don't want to.
becca, thank-you for telling me about the thread where Lisa did post about the difficulties she was experiencing. I will check it out tomorrow and actually see if I can possibly offer any advice (or, is she the woman that I have already responded to about a Girl Guides situation and hooked up with a long-time member off-the-board - hmm.).
Peg, I'm sorry that this happened to you as a newcomer. I believe I posted somewhere along the line of this thread (or the one that directed me here) about how I had a thread go bad on me when I was a newcomer.
I had ONE person e-mail me off-the-board and offer their support and advice and encouragement to stay on the board. Before I received that e-mail, I was so upset it was unreal. I thought I had finally found a place I could call my PA *home* and yet I felt as though I had to leave it almost as soon as I got there because of one negative thread. As you can see, I never did leave.
I probably have the one person who e-mailed me to thank (and so do all of you [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img] )
I'm glad that you have more reason than I did at that time and didn't simply scurry from the board. You have the strength which I certainly didn't have at that time (and sometimes even now I don't).
I don't even think the part about the pity party was what disturbed me the most. Actually, I'm starting again. The whole post disturbed me. There were words attributed to us, as a PA community, that I didn't feel were appropriate or suitable. The only one I can remember right now is matryr. But, as becca said, 'nuff said.
The thing I learned from this thread gone bad is first of all, take your own advice if you're going to post it (i.e., don't respond to negative posters), that I can sit back and perhaps stick to my New Year's resolutions, and also that we have a pretty darned good community of people here. Lisa, most of all, I'd like you to know that. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Sat, 01/04/2003 - 4:54pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa, we were posting at the same time. Can't even go where you've gone now.....
Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Sat, 01/04/2003 - 5:43pm
MommaBear's picture
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Lisa,
An article you need to read: (and anyone else who is a parent of child with an anaphylactic allergy)
[url="http://www.guardian.co.uk/Print/0,3858,4032812,00.html"]http://www.guardian.co.uk/Print/0,3858,4032812,00.html[/url]
As a nurse, I assess and identify not only the patient's needs, but the needs of that patient's support group since they play vital roles in good patient outcomes. Maybe you are the one not dealing in reality? Parents are caregivers by nature and parents of children with anaphylactic allergies not only have that role to fill but also have a special role by province.

Posted on: Sat, 01/04/2003 - 6:50pm
MommaBear's picture
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Joined: 09/23/2002 - 09:00

Cindy,
me thinks she does protest too much. I am beginning to believe she is not nearly as confident in her idea that she has effectively "cut the umbilical cord". Certainly not as confident as she would like the rest of us to believe.
[This message has been edited by MommaBear (edited January 07, 2003).]

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